Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Job Hunt

What the fuck, Baltimore? Really, either send me a letter and tell me to fuck off, or call me already. The suspense is killing me. I have a second interview on Monday for a job I don't want (but they'll pay me handsomely) and I'd much rather have the job I want regardless of pay (even though they'll pay handsomely too). Baltimore, what the fuck?


I thought I wrote about this, but I can't find the post. I give everyone aliases and I can't remember what I called this one chick, but I have a staff person who's deluded. Actually 2 staff people, but I'll only talk about this one. She thinks she has a neutral odor and tells anyone who'll listen that she doesn't bathe daily. In her mind, why bother? Truth be told, I'd never actually smelled her pungent ass, so it wasn't an issue to me, but still...UGH!...bitch, you don't bathe daily? I see you at the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY, and you don't bathe daily? What the fuck?!? Anyway, I had a little meeting with this chick today and **WHAM** for the first time the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. FUCK! That bitch smelled like putrid Limburger. Ah-chee mah-chee! Ladies and gentlemen, I gives a fuck what you've been led to believe about your odor or lack thereof, but please bathe everyday.


Enjoy your family. Ignore the ignorable and adore the adorable. That's what the fuck I'mma do.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Personality...Or Lack Thereof

So TAD and I got back the professional photos of our wedding. The little guy (physically, this dude would remind you of a prepubescent child) that took the shots really did a good job, as we expected. I'm going through over 1200 digital photos, trying to find 300-400 "keepers", ultimately to get to 30 for the proof book. I'll pick mine, TAD will pick hers and somehow we'll reach a consensus, which really means, she'll get what she wants. I don't mind. It's really a hard choice between these pics. Anyway, as I peruse the photos, I discover something that I think I may have known the whole time: I only have 3 expressions.

My wife's face is so full of personality and expression. I think I could tell exactly what she was thinking at the exact moment each photo of her was taken. Me? All I got is "fat-faced surprise", "fat-faced happiness", and "fat-faced seriousness". That's it. That's my repertoire.

Truthfully, she coulda been faking some emotion on some of those pics. Like looking happy when she was thinking "Fuck! I wish this was over already!", but at least she could put on an expression that conveyed something entirely different. When I was feeling tired by the day's end, all I had was "fat-faced seriousness". I had used up "fat-faced happiness" earlier that day. And, of course, I needed to be genuinely surprised to be captured in "fat-faced surprise" mode.

Except for me and my lack of facial personality, the pics came out great.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

I Know This Is Late, But Here Goes...

What if everybody around you had been born with only 3 limbs, and you were born with 4? Then people told you that if you wanted to be "normal" you'd saw one of your limbs off? You'd probably balk at that idea, right?

Let me give you a more down to earth example. What if at age 10 someone took you from your home with your loving parents and gave you to another family, a family that lived right down the street. Your parents were good and kind to you, gave you all the love in the world, but someone of authority said you didn't belong together and gave you to a family right down the street. You're in a position where you can literally see your parents everyday, but you're not allowed to live with them or interact in any significant way with them.

At what lengths would you go to make your loved ones happy? How far would you go to "save face" and to hold a position of esteem in your community? Would you change your life completely? Commit fraud by intentionally deceiving an innocent person? Would you lie about who you are essentially?

People make insane choices like these everyday, and are forced to live in strange and precarious circumstances. They do it to BELONG and live in a society that needs them and benefits from their creativity and overall contributions. The ones that decide enough is enough and make the decision to live as "others" in our society, regardless of achievement, are treated as though their happiness is somehow predicated on whether or not you know "how to explain it to the children".

Meanwhile, Africans keep acting like animals, killing each other over distorted ideals of respect, lying down and fucking everybody and anybody, making gotdamn babies out of wedlock over and over again, becoming grandparents in their late 30's, then having the nerve to quote fuckin' Bible verses to justify denying people their happiness.

I hold special scorn for the people who funded the "marriage is one man-one woman" initiative, who started their religion practicing polygamy and to this day don't realize that every ritual they perform in their church is derived from Mas.onic rites, courtesy of founder Joseph Smith. For these people and their God-sanctioned underwear and their 1978 decision to allow Black people to enter Heaven, you know you can suck my entire cock. If you're Black and you cast your lot with these motherfuckers, ask yourself when they've ever been on the right side of history.

Man, fuck any and everybody that voted to deny gay people the right to get married. I'm serious. Fuck you.


Friday, November 07, 2008

Man, Fuck...

I was leaving work yesterday, going to get something to eat before my evening meeting, about to make a right turn on the massive one way street called Michigan Avenue. I looked to the right, just out of instinct, because, of course, there was no traffic coming from that direction, and inched the nose of my car past the sidewalk. I looked to my left and saw that traffic was still coming at a steady rate. I looked back to my left, and out of nowhere, a filthy, middle aged toothless Black man was on his bike, standing right next to my passenger side window.

"You pulled out and made me hit your tire!"
"You pulled out on the sidewalk and made me hit your tire. You got my chest and heart all hurtin'!"
"You sayin' I hit you?"
"You got my chest all hurtin'!"
"Are you sayin' I hit you?"
"You got my chest all hurtin'?"
"Man, what do you want from me? You wanna sue me? What do you want?"
"You got my chest all hurtin'. At least you could give me money for a hamburger or somethin'."
"Man, fuck you. Sue me. Take down my license plate, n*gga."

And I sped off, hoping to just go get a quick meal before this night meeting.

I stopped about 3/4 of a mile down Michigan at this restaurant. I parked across the street and headed to the crosswalk. In front of me at the crosswalk was a lady (and I use this term generously) listening to her iPod. She was a large woman dressed as though she was a trucker or a longshoreman. She looked over her shoulder and saw me standing there. Then she apparently heard something too good to stand still for in her earphones, because at that moment she started suggestively shaking her enormous trucker ass in my direction.

That's when I knew everybody here was as crazy as I thought they were. Every fucking day it's something new. Meanwhile, my wife lives a billion miles away and my job sucks dick. Man, fuck...


Tuesday, November 04, 2008