Monday, October 27, 2008

Dolphin Dick and Other Discoveries

Did you know that my wedding photos are available for viewing if you just email me and ask?

Did you know that my wife was so creative? And so beautiful?

Did you know that my father is such a softie? "Something in my eye" my ass!

Did you know that I have the world's baddest nephew?

Did you know that Robyn has such a suave son?

Did you know that my frat brothers would be on point for the first time in their miserable lives?

Did you know that sometimes it rains non-stop in Cancun over the period of an entire week, forcing one to stay indoors make love to his beautiful new wife for hours on end?

Did you know dolphins were packing dick? Straight weapons, yo.

Do you know how annoying natives in Cancun are when they're trying to sell you shit?

Do you know how afraid I am of flying? It'll be a minute.

Did you know I am still off work and in Detroit while my wife works for a living? I get to be home being a househusband for a week.

I'll talk to y'all later!


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Yucatan Peninsula...

is where I'm sitting. My wife is sleeping and I'm watching TV with Spanish overdubbing.

I'm tired. Talk to y'all later.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Socially Unacceptable

The more I pay attention to myself, the weirder I think I am.

I was really craving GOOD coffee this morning, but I didn't feel like making any on my great office one cup machine. I love the machine, but I hate cleaning it afterwards. So I was going on a trek to get coffee. Then I realized the last time I went into the coffee shop down the street, I got caught up in this long conversation with the new owner. It seems this guy was a food service person at this place where the City always holds it's retreats. He served us at that retreat I talked about last month. He remembered me and he was very nice. The coffee is great and we had a nice conversation. That's probably the last time I'll ever go in that coffee shop again.

You see, he fucked up my coffee spot by talking to me beyond what was needed to get me my coffee. I didn't come in there for a nice conversation. I liked the old owner, the muthafucka who served me coffee and took my money, with only a few pleasantries in between. This cat will fuck my mornings up if I go in there. I don't wanna talk to nobody about shit.

So this guy, who remembers faces and who is friendly and kind, has just lost a customer for no good reason. It's just the way it's gotta be. I have to be me.


Monday, October 13, 2008


I had a chance to have a good long talk with my friend, Three yesterday. It was full of details on the bachelor party he's gonna miss and the general nature of my patience, or lack thereof.

For the record, he knows that I could give a fuck less about a bachelor party, but it would've been good to see all my boys in one place for a big alcohol filled night. So I basically called him so I could call him a muthafucka for not making the trip. Muthafucka.

What this wise sage of man did impart to me was his vast knowledge of patience and his familiarity of my lack of it. It's always funny listening to a muthafucka who ain't married, ain't never been married, and likely will never get married talking to me about marriage. Bastard. That being said, he made some pretty good points about knowing how I am.

First off, I suck at telling anybody anything because I expect them to know what I'm talking about with a minimum of words. I fucking hate talking, so I always take shortcuts, hence, a bunch of misunderstandings.

Secondly, I can't help but to question one's intelligence if I have to tell them something twice. After I tell somebody something for the second time, seriously, fuck them. Because I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and they blew it.

Thirdly, nothing ever changes. You can talk until you're blue in the face, and people don't listen to shit you have to say most of the time. Why waste your time saying it? There is no reason.

And fourth, I know that people are COMFORTABLE BEING COMFORTABLE and will do as little as possible to increase your comfort while decreasing theirs, in the name of love or whatever. Half-assedness abounds. Either you accept it or you don't.

I thought this time here in Satan's Anus has made me better, but I think it's made me worse. More anti-social, because I hate the way people react to the shit I say or don't say, more irresponsible, because fuck living up to a commitment to hang or go to a barbeque when you don't give a fuck whether or not you lose that person's friendship, more evil, because fuck everybody else, really.

That's about it.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Green Tea

"Why would God give you a passion and a talent to do something and then say 'If you follow that, I'm not gon' let you eat!'?"- Anthony Rodman

The funniest shit I've read in a while: McCain supporters are getting REALLY riled up and angry with this campaign. They are fighting mad!!!

I don't even know what that shit means. I mean, do you get TWO votes if you're really, REALLY angry? I mean, McCain supporters are just that, McCain supporters. If there are less of them than there are of Obama supporters, who gives if fuck if they're angry now. Are they gonna strong arm people walking into voting booths and say "Gotdamn it, you better vote for MY guy!!!" If anger mattered that much, we'd be looking at the re-election campaign of President Kerry. So really, fuck a McCain supporter, win or lose.

Anyway, on to another topic. There's this dude I know here named Anthony Rodman, who's actually been a very good friend. We were talking the other day, 'cuz that's what we do, I meet with him for lunch and he lets me vent. I went on to tell him about writing and how much I love to write. I talked about embarking on a new phase of my life and I needed stability to support a family, but I just didn't have any passion for what I'm doing. That's when he gave me that awesome quote at the top. Thanks, muthafucka! Now I'll try to feed my wife and kids some essays!

As hectic and complicated as it is trying to be ready for this wedding, people complicate it more. I'm currently in the running for 3 gigs. These 3 gigs have asked me for, amongst other things, an unprecedented TEN references, asked me to take personality tests, online interviews using webcams, write career assessment essays, and a host of other bullshit. All this while trying to finish work that will sit on my desk unless I do it before I leave, since I'll be out from October 15-November 3. On October 16, two days before I get married, I have to fly to M.aryland for a job interview, fly back the same day, and go get my final fitting for my tux. They couldn't change the gotdamn date. They've been sitting on my fucking resume for at least 4 months, and NOW they're on some ol' "time is of the essence" bullshit. Fuck y'all, Cha.rm City, fuck y'all right in the ass.

All this so I can continue to work in a field I don't have a passion for. Maybe Anthony is right. Time will tell.


Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Age Of Nefarious

I spent my Saturday in East Lansing, at homecoming. Tailgating and shit. Drinking free brew with the Black Alumni Association. I was with a couple of my groomsmen and shit, plus a bunch of other people I could give a fuck less about. There is a direct correlation, at least in my feeble brain, between how obnoxious muthafuckas were as undergrads to how much money they make right now. The more obnoxious, the more paid they seem to be. And the thing is they're STILL obnoxious!!! It might be worse! Man, fuck these people!

I spent a lot of time talking to my friend, Jesus. I'm not being metaphorical, muthafuckas. I have a friend, from undergrad, who's given name is Jesus. Not Hay-Soose, Jesus. This always made people uncomfortable. Nobody ever wanted to say his name. They'd call him J.C. and shit (yes, those are his actual initials), but not me. I wasn't religious anyway, and his name was his name, so fuck it, I'mma call you Jesus.

Anyway, after listening to women who I don't give a fuck about bitchin' because I'm getting married AGAIN and I didn't look their way, I was reminiscing with Jesus. Sure enough, every chick I know came past with some variation on "Well look at this, Jesus and Satan!" "Hey, everybody, it's Jesus and Lucifer!" Hilarious! Sidesplitting! Eh. They irritated me so much, it made me walk away from my friend. Forgive me Jesus.

Afterwards, me and Hutty, my best man, and his wife and her friends left campus and went to eat. Hutty was one of those obnoxious undergrads I was talking about. He's still obnoxious and makes boatloads of fucking money, hand over gotdamn fist. I watched that African belittle and embarass his wife in front of her friends for at least two good hours at this BBQ joint. It was an amazing display of assholery, completely fearless. And at the end of the night, she was still like she's always been, in love with his pockets. And THAT'S what the fuck money can do for you, gentlemen.

Be Cool,