Tuesday, April 21, 2009


There are no words more fun to say in the English language than "haywire" and "firearm". I don't know if it's the compound word aspect or what, but damn I love saying them.

You know that line in Forrest Gump where he says "Life is like a box of chocolates..."? Well if you replace the word "chocolates" with "pussies", you can pretty much leave me alone with that box.

What does it say about me that I'd feel like a bigger pervert going into a Hooters under the cover of darkness than I would walking into the freakiest hardcore sex shop in broad daylight?

Why doesn't anyone understand that if your boss was as good as your job as you are, they would have NEVER promoted him/her? If you're too good at what you do, you're pretty much fucked. You gotta be passable.

Conservative = unapologetic bigot/white supremacist (regardless of their color), Liberal = undercover racist/condescending asshole, Libertarian = anarchist cheapskate except when it comes to roads leading to his subdivision and police protection for his family, Progressive = hippie goofball with too much fucking free time. This is why I hate labels. I think most of us are a healthy mix of all these archetypes.

Right now, I have a womanly addiction to shoe shopping that I'm not proud of.

Best bumpersticker I've seen in my whole life: "Illegal Shit B Fun".


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hot Pickle

Hey peoples, what gives? I got back from NYC on Monday, which was a much needed trip for me and the wife. I hate people, and New York is full of people, but as an anonymous member of the rabble, it's not bad. People hated me as much as I hated them! That was a treat. We did some touristy shit, like go to the Guggen.heim (which was some bullshit!) and go to the top of Rockefe.ller Center (which was tall), but mainly we just hung out and ate. We tried to shop, but couldn't find the "spots". Lack of research, I suppose. We had fun anyway, even though the knish I ate tasted like rat pussy.

We hung out with Slish a little bit and drank at one of his spots. Slish is insane, yo, just in case y'all didn't know. It was TAD's first time kickin' with him, but as an avid reader of his blog, it was like old times up in the joint with those two. Good lookin' out, young man. It was certainly appreciated. What you don't know, Slish, is that night after drinking, I went back to the hotel and worked out for an hour and a half. I never sleep on my program!

The visit helped reinforce my desire to move east. Man, I fucking hate this place. I just left the store where this faux gangster ass pussy boi was behind me in line, "Africaning up" his language trying to be hard. "Yo, man, you got some hot pickles? Where the hot pickles? Dude, why you ain't tell me you moved the hot pickles?" That's some real gangsta shit right there. Suckin' on a hot pickle, you purty mouthed bitch. Get me the fuck outta here.


Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The Tournament

Staff Member: It must suck to be a Spartan fan right now, hunh?

KZ: No, it's OK. I'm still your boss.

Go Green! Forever.


Tuesday, April 07, 2009


I make plans all the time. And we all know the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. But my plan for 2009 started in July 2008. It's when I decided to make myself more physically fit. I'm not doing it for my general health or anything of real value. I just wanna look good in my clothes. I call my plan "The 40-Year Old Linebacker", though that's really a misnomer, since I won't be 40 until December 2010. My goal is simple, to be in the best shape of my life and punch muthafuckers in the mouth when irritated. I could always punch muthafuckers in their mouths, but now I won't have to run afterwards to keep from getting my ass kicked.

The results so far have been a weight reduction from 330 to 275, increased energy, clothes that don't fit, and confidence that's off the charts. It's a great feeling and I still have quite a ways to go, but it's a start.

Lately though the plans have been getting bogged down. I'm too self-satisfied, too hungry, too bored, too blah. I need motivation. What the fuck am I doing this for? For women? I'm married, and she don't give a fuck. For health? This is a miserable way to live. For vanity? I don't care enough. I'm just losing steam right now. Every thing I do seems for nothing, and I have so far to go to get to 235-240, which is my goal.

I need to come up with a new plan.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Gimme Three Feet

OK, I know y'all sick of me tilling the same soil, but I remain irritated by the same bullshit. This is my forum to spout off and I'll take full advantage of it.

I went to the gym midday yesterday so that I could go home after work and just veg out. After my workout, I had to go to the shower. When I workout after work, I usually go home and shower, but the necessity of going back to work had me in the communal shower. I entered the empty shower room, twenty six spigots available, I pick one and begin to shower. Less than one minute later, this old dude comes into the shower room, stands at the spigot RIGHT NEXT TO MINE and starts to shower. Not one space over, right next to mine. Naked and showering. In a completely empty shower room. What the fuck is people's problem? How the fuck is that OK? Who the fuck does that? Apparently people in Satan's Anus on the reg.

The day before the gym incident, I went to see the State of the City address given by the mayor. I sat in a COMPLETELY EMPTY ROW. I didn't expect the row to remain empty, because the place was pretty full. What I really didn't expect was that the next person to inhabit the row would sit in the seat RIGHT NEXT TO ME, sharing a fucking armrest. In an empty row, why the fuck would you sit right next to a stranger, especially a stranger of the same sex? Who the fuck does that?

A few weeks ago TAD and I went to the movies. It was a virtually empty movie theater, with literally two other couples in the place. We sat four seats in on an empty row. Two couples came in together, in an empty theater, and sat in the four seats we left empty next to us, sharing an armrest with us in a vacant theater. We hopped up and moved WAAAAAYYY down the row, because there were 20 open seats that remained. The group watched us move and laughed about it while wondering what our problem was. Amazing.

Whether it be casual conversation, restroom stalls, standing behind you waiting to use the ATM, driving in traffic, whatever, these muthafuckers have spatial issues that are mind boggling and ridiculous. One more reason I wish throat punching was the law of the land.