Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The 556th Post About People Not Like Me, Who I Can't Stand Because Of That Fact

Hey folks, what's good? I'm at work on New Year's Eve and it's a skeleton crew here. There are literally only 7 people in a 50 person office. Most people, myself included, are taking the time to clean up their cluttered offices so that they can come back to a uncluttered New Year. I did that shit in record time, basically by shoving most of the shit into the garbage. If I didn't need it at this juncture, hell, I won't need it. Plus, most of it is me being CC'ed on some FYI shit that the staff sends me to let me know what they're doing. This is the big secret: I don't give a fuck what they're doing, as long as they aren't getting me in trouble by not producing.

The thing is, one of the people that showed up today is my secretary. I was filing the shit I actually needed to keep and she came in and had a hurt look on her face. My first reaction was to ask her "What's the matter?". She said nothing and started to ask me what she came in there to ask me, which was for something to work on.

Now, folks, I know everybody's not like me. I don't pretend to understand y'all. But if my boss was doing something that I was supposed to do, and it was a menial task, I'd welcome that shit. Less garbage shit I have to do. Second, why the fuck on New Years Eve are you asking me for shit to do? Play solitare, surf the internet, knit a gotdamn sweater, go suck your boyfriend's dick for a few hours. What do I care? I don't give a fuck. Stop needing to be gotdamn LED so much. I get paid to lead. Can I get a day off? There's nothing to lead you to do. Nothing. No phone calls, no walk-ins. Nothing.

On Christmas Eve, I let everybody go home at 2:00, mainly because I had to drive to Detroit and I wanted to get a head start. Today, I have no where to be but here, but I was still considering letting them go. She's making me rethink that shit. I mean, what the fuck would she do with the free time? She'd probably ask me "What should I do with the rest of my day?" Fucking idiots.


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Non-Holiday Related Topic (On Purpose)

Sometimes I think life is one long cosmic joke. There are some things that I will never understand about life in this world that seem to come from someone with a perverse sense of humor. Every time I talk to my boy, Three, about this shit, I get a better perspective about the level of my frustration. I'm not actually that bother by what's going on, but rather the normalcy attributed to the absurdity.

How could anyone be upset at that cat that threw shoes at the President? Those same people were even-keeled and "rational" about murdering civilians and taking over a sovereign nation, but got upset when a cat threw shoes at the muthafucka responsible. Insane. But, alas, this post isn't about that or anything political. It's about the laws of attraction.

The sexiest women I've ever met were some of the most mentally unstable, socially reprehensible, obnoxious people ever to walk the Earth. I believe it's a natural gift that God has bestowed on the reprehensible to make them tolerable. That shit oozes out of their pores and makes a muthafucka take a second look at some of the worst people who ever lived. Truthfully, though, I don't know what comes first, the sexyness or the evil. Perhaps once somebody knows that they can manipulate people just by being that hot shit, they use their powers for those purposes. I tend to think that it's the other way around, though. They're born fucked up and sexyness is just a by-product. Conversely, the most erotically bland, asexual women I've known have been the most interesting, good-hearted people in the world. But who wants to fuck with them, right? Ugh!

TAD, sure enough, is a good mix of sexy and interesting. I know you think I gotta say that, but it's true. I didn't have to write this post at all, I have no problem telling the truth about my shit. I just think it's funny that the world tends to operate the way it does.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

2008 Ultimate Holiday Shopping Guide For Ladies

Hey y'all. I've been a little depressed. I guess more depressed than usual. My boss, Allen, the Republican with the Ronald Reagan screen saver, scored tickets to the inauguration. Where's the gotdamn justice? I mean, for real, where's the justice?

Anyway, this is not about that. This is a true life guide for the ladies out there on how to shop for their husbands, boyfriends, or significant others for Christmas. I want to go on the record saying "Fuck Christmas". This is not an endorsement of that made up pagan winter solstice ritual that Christians hijacked and conflated to correspond birth of their Lord and Savior. Christmastime is a gotdamn myth. And now to my recommendations...

Ladies, you wanna know the hottest gift out there for your dude? The thing that he'll be happy as fuck to wake up to on Christmas Day? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll happy as hell to wake up to on the 26th? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll be happy as hell to wake up to on March 22nd? I think you've guessed it. It's free and it makes the household run a lot smoother.

The other thing that you may want to check into for your guy are noice cancelling headphones. Trust me, they are the best things ever invented. The top of the line headphones are from Bose, with Sony coming in second. They might be a little pricey, but they are worth it. When you are bitching about that chick from work that gets on your nerves, or telling another story about your fucked up family, those headphones will come in handy. Let that African listen to Nas while you whine about your yeast infection. He deserves a break.

Does your man have a hobby? I'll bet he does (even if you don't know about it). If so, don't buy him anything related to his hobby. It's likely he'll get it for himself in the near future anyway. Give him something that he'd never think to buy for himself: a plane ticket for you to go out of town. It's the gift that keeps on giving. He can do shit that he'd like to do during his time off instead of worrying about whether or not a bulb went out on the outside lights or if y'all have visited every friend in your phone book over the holiday season. Do that shit and come home to a grateful man.

I've always heard that lingerie is a gift that is more for the man than it is for the woman. I disagree. If that woman likes to feel pretty and enjoys dick, that lingerie is as much for her as it is for the man. I still think it's a cop out gift, though. That being said, arranging a private showing of lingerie that you're considering purchasing, complete with lingerie models would not be a bad investment. He will most certainly enjoy seeing the latest boudoir fashions being presented in a manner consistent with their design. It's a gift for the fashion forward man in your life. Think about it.

That's it for now, ladies. Talk to you later.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

.38 Special

Man, what a difference a few years makes. Yesterday was my 38th birthday. I celebrated by not shoving a shotgun barrel in my mouth and pulling the trigger. It was the weakest, wackest birthday I've had in a long time. Of course, I don't really get to celebrate until this weekend when I'm with my wife, but still, it was pretty rotten.

I had a second interview, this time over the phone, with Ch.arm City. I thought it was a good omen that they set the date on my birthday. Turns out it wasn't that good of an omen. Man, oh man was that a rough interview. Yes, of course Satan's Anus is smaller than Satan's Sandbox, I understand economies of scale and such. Give me a shot. Even if I got through that interview, I still have yet another one to go, which I won't know if I advanced to until mid-January. The wheels of major city bureaucracy moves slowly.

Just looking back on the blog thing and in blog terms, my shit has changed significantly. I started this thing as a bow-tied, 34 year old malcontent. Now I'm a 38 YEAR OLD malcontent who wears fewer bowties!!! That's a lot of change, yo!


Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I guess this blog is about to get a whole lot more boring. I thought that would eventually happen when I got married, basically your life changes, calms down, and you got less shit to talk about. But that's not the reason it's getting more boring starting right now. It's getting more boring because I'm getting overwhelmed at how pointless my life is. I really do hate my job, the people I work with, the work that I do, and the overall nature of workplace interaction.

I'm working to pay for shit I don't need and a master's degree that didn't do shit in the way of advancing my career. Think about that: I paid for additional education to assist me in a job that I don't like. And the shit didn't even assist me! Ain't that a bitch? The trappings of success have eluded me, but people act like I'm a success. I'm not even happy outside of being with TAD, and we still live two hours away from each other, with weekend visits. I don't even get to enjoy being with my wife during the week.

This shit is so pointless. I'm not making this place a better place to live. I'm not contributing to the growth or success of the people around me. I'm not a better person. I read less and complain more. I feel stuck. I've really prepared and I'm ready to perform any task in my field, but I don't really wanna do this shit. I wanna enjoy my life. This shit ain't enjoyable.

I understand life's not supposed to be all wine and roses, but fuck, it's supposed to be SOME wine and roses. Gotdamn!