Lesson One

Trials and tribulations are really underrated. We're in misery as we go through them, but the things we learn about ourselves and others are invaluable. That shit becomes ingrained in your DNA and you pass it down to your children and they to theirs.

It is only through our trials and tribulations that we come to understand what it really means to suffer, and what is tolerable; what is reasonable or unreasonable; what is sustainable and non-sustainable; what's good and what's REALLY GOOD. What are you really willing to do to keep your misery to a minimum? What are you really ready to give up for the good of the collective? If you've never had to give up shit, or have barely seen what misery looks like, you'll be willing to stand your ground on the most minuscule compromise. You'll hold on to a "principle" that's really just a manifestation of stubbornness. If you really haven't gone through shit, it'll look reasonable to you.

Some fears are healthy and others irrational, but we pass them all down through our teachings and through our actions. We are always being watched by the ones we love. Everytime we think something is enough, we'll learn the world doesn't work that way. You always have to fuel the machine, to feed the beast.

Some muthafuckas are determined never to learn Lesson One.

Peace,
KZ

Fed

This is how you know it's some shit in the game. I was late for work today. I was about an hour late. I have to arrive at work at 8:00 am. I woke up at 4:00 am, it takes me about 30 minutes to get ready, and my drive to work is only about 15 minutes. How was I late? I sat down and watched TV for four hours this morning, trying to make myself get up and go to work. I finally got there at 8:45.

I couldn't figure out what suit to wear, either. I desperately wanted to put on a polo shirt and some khakis. I didn't wanna put on a suit.

I know what it is. This is that same shit that manifests itself everytime I'm done.

I don't have the capacity to care about work anymore. Not that I ever really did, but now it's showing itself in the most visually obvious ways. I'm half-shaving, not really combing my dome, shoes unshined, ties not matching, office in disarray. I'm just fucking here. Until I'm not here.

Basically just breathing.

KZ

A Random List

• Much like Alicia Bridges, I too like the nightlife. I too like to boogie.
• Hey, bitches: stop borrowing each other's pants! And stop charging money for people to watch that shit.
• I've never wanted to start smoking again like I did when I watched those cats smoke that "cross joint" in Pineapple Express.
  
• I'm no longer in a position to rail against stupidity. I've met the enemy, and he is me.
• I love being left alone. People really get mad at you when you don't "bother" them for long stretches of time. I wouldn't be offended, but my friends are salty.
• I should be in NYC hangin' with Miss Ahmad. I really should.
  
• I need some fucking perks. Somethin'.
• Gotdamn, hip hop sucks.
  
• I have sent out resumes almost every day for 3 months. I haven't had a single fucking call or interview in that time. Not one. Man, fuck.
• Oreos, muthafucka.
  

Malnutrition

My ego is pretty big. Most of the time, I try to be self-deprecating just so I'll come off as less of an asshole, but really I think pretty highly of myself. Sometimes it's hard to come to grips with the reality that maybe, just maybe, you're not all that you think you are to all people.

Case in point, we're in the middle of planning this wedding. I'm not so much into the wedding thing, but I'm in the "go along to get along" phase. Whatever'll make this thing go, I'm with it. Everybody in the world knows that a woman's wedding is something she's thought about and pictured for many, many years. She has a vision and she'll try to match that vision the best way she can. Everybody in and around the wedding have been selected for years in advance. Everybody except the groom, that is. That's the interchangeable piece. The groom is just whatever African happened to pop the question. The wedding doesn't change one iota to fit a groom's personality or ideals. Most dudes laugh that shit off. I did as well. It got less funny the more I thought about it though, a lot less funny. That's ego.

This could very well be Joe, Jake, or Johnny's wedding. One monkey don't stop no show. Who gives a fuck who the groom is?

In the meantime I gotta get pep talks from my biggest fans (my mother and Three) just to keep my ego fed. That's kinda fucked up, but it's true.

This wedding thing is like a force of nature. I'mma go find some shelter.

Peace,
KZ