Thursday, July 31, 2008

When Has It Ever Worked?

"Hey baby, why you lookin' so mean?"

Muthafuckas make me laugh. Game is a lost art. I used to have it. I haven't had it in a minute or two. I don't need it now, but damn, it would be nice to have.

"You lookin' good girl!"

I'll bet she is, fella. I'll bet she is. But is yelling that as she strides purposefully with her 5 friends to get in line for this party gonna get her to stop? Nope. Next time try laying a 10 dollar bill in the street and saying "Miss, you dropped this!"

My boy Three told me something a long time ago that makes all the sense in the world. I don't know if it really works, because I'd only tried it with female friends and not "prospects". He said "Compliment a woman the way another woman would and she'll be more responsive." He didn't say it quite like that, because Three is kinda illiterate, but you get the idea. "I like your shoes." "I like that color on you." Instead of "DAMN, you got a big ole ass!", which was my preferred expression. I really gotta ask Three if his bullshit method ever worked.

"Ay, sweetheart, lemme holla at you a minute."

Probably the most subtle shit I've heard today. It's not overly aggressive but it's still pretty ignorant. If she stops, you got an even shot. If not? Sucks to be you. I say work on your shit a little more and come back a little harder than that.

My shit was always situational. I had these scenarios worked out for all these different situations. If she's standing here, then I'll comment on that. If she's doing that, I'll do this and then we'll cross paths. It's laughable that shit that worked well.

To the cats that still think this shit is fun, I salute you. But you gotta fuckin' do better than this!


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Childlike Wonder

As jaded as I am, I'm still amazed by many things in this world. Most of my amazement stems at how stupid people are, so I'm not sure that counts. All I know is people in general are stupid and/or ballsy.

John Edwards was running for President. He was my preferred candidate, because of his ideas on health care reform. You see, that's my big issue. People have to stick with shitty gigs because they need the health care. I think people are happier and, of course, healthier, if getting health care wasn't dependent on the beneficence (or lack thereof) of industry. Chase your dreams and fuck the benefits package.

John Edwards has been fucking around on his wife. Once again, I'm not amazed, but this shit is SOOOO blatant, and has been talked about in hushed tones for the entire campaign, I couldn't believe it's just now getting run. That's not even the half. This muthafucka made a baby with the mistress.

If he was ever gonna get back in the saddle for that number 2 slot, it's effectively done. Thanks, Haircut.

I've talked about running for office, but my skeletons run deep. After this shit, my little skeletons seem like a single bone (literally!!!). The more politicians fuck up on a large scale, my shit looks more and more petty.

I'm counting on more amazing displays of stupidity. It keeps me young.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Let's All Be Dumb

My assistant sent out an email yesterday reminding the secretaries to watch their timeliness when arriving at work, that the public expects them to be there at the reception desk at 8:00 am. My secretary sent him a scathing reply, telling him she didn't like being included in an email admonishing bad behavior, especially since she wasn't a tardy person EVER.

She told me about the email she sent back to my assistant. I asked her why she sent it. She told me that she didn't like being included in the email. I told her it was a blanket email and that she should disregard anything that didn't apply to her. She was beside herself with anger. The ideal that someone would impugn her good name by including her on that email. No one sends her emails that commend her on coming in early. The nerve of us!!! Crazy bitch.

There's this cat in the town over that's just running through hoes, one after the other, just bangin' 'em out. The women are enthralled because he's got a lot of style and he's a DOCTOR!!! OMG, a single black doctor! Wait, you say he's a chiropractor? So he's only a "doctor". They are impressed by a gotdamn "doctor". He might as well be a cop or a cashier. Fucking lunatics.

This place in general makes me wanna take my life with a bullet to the temple. Just blow my own fucking head clean off.


Monday, July 21, 2008

It's Movietime Again!

Yo, I went to the movies this weekend and I had a lot of fun. That's pretty unusual for me. I hate theaters and sticky floors (self-created floors excluded) but I had a lot of fun sitting in darkness for 2+ hours watching Batman Gets His Ass Acted Off The Screen By A Dead Guy. Seriously, fuck hype, but He.ath Le.dger Deserves the next Best Actor Oscar, plus the one after that for good measure. You know any good magic tricks? Fuck!

Anyway, this weekend got me in the mood to write again. I don't have anything worth a damn, just some ideas that might work in a serviceable movie.

Like, you ever seen one of those movies where someone gets shot in the heart, but they have something covering their hearts that keep them from getting killed? Like the bastard has a lead covered bible in his breast pocket or something? Well I'd like to have a scene like that in the movie I write. Except where there's usually something that saves the guy my shit would make it worse. "John only got a flesh wound in the calf. Unfortunately, he was hiding nitro glycerine in his sock, so when the gunman shot him, KABOOM!!!"

Also, I want to write something about a mix of people of all nationalities, races and ages who all inhabit this finite space. They are all sentenced to die at some random time that they can't figure out, but their captor is definitely hell bent on killing them all. With this hanging over their heads, they try to find ways to gain favor with the captor so that he'll let them off the hook. They feign being selfless and kind. They try to create a positive atmosphere in the room. They try to be the most popular or the one who possesses the most things. They try a bunch of different stuff, just to show the cat that's watching them that they should be spared. Then they find out a cruel twist. There's nothing they can do to be spared. I'd call this movie "Life On Earth". The funny thing about it we're all in that movie RIGHT NOW!!! Ooooh! Deeeeep!

Man, I had fun this weekend, but in general, fuck the movies.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Ultramagnetic KZ

I attract the weird and neurotic (no offense readers). It's just what I do. The people I make friends with or hang around with definitely have an eccentric bent. I don't think I do, but hell, I'm me. I'm not supposed to think I'm weird.

Case in point: My friend Agent Zero. She's got two shorties, ages 12 and 14, who are currently in the south visiting their father. Their deadbeat father, who has never spent ANY time with them before this summer and has never sent any cash. By whom she got pregnant the second time while engaged to somebody else. She's lamenting that he's had a vasectomy, after 7 illegitimate children. She'd like to have another child and she'd like them all to have the same father. The same deadbeat loser father.

I got another friend, Jayne Kennedy, a chick I talked about on these very pages around 2 1/2 years ago. She's trying to find her life mate. But not just any life mate. No, no, this dude has got to be GREEK, a member of the Pan-Hell. Because she's a dedicated member of her sorority and a regular cat just can't understand her and her relationship to her sorors. She is 33 years old. She's been a Greek for 12 years. It is not in the least played out for her or at least ebbed a little bit. She's on all the little Divine Nine sites and always para'ed up, 12 years later.

Lastly, I'd like to talk about Curly. This cat is never satisfied. He's marginal looking, slow witted, and has bad dental work. He's 43 years old and looking for the perfect woman. Chick after chick gets introduced to him to no avail. He claims he wants "a dime". He's a fucking nickel, and I'm being generous. The only chick he has eyes for is the chick I'm with. I'm sorry to tell him(actually I'm not) it's too late for him and her. But I'll let him keep bitching about what's not out there and stop trying to lead that horse to water.

I'd be less frustrated if these people didn't like me so much and want to hang around me. The thing is, as much as I try to be an island, I can't. I need in the flesh friends around me too. It just need to see what it is in me that keeps attracting the looniest people on Earth.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Respect Of A Lie

I've been talking a lot to my boy, Three, out in LA and I've been able to get a lot of shit off my chest. It's probably why I've been blogging less. Shit that I can't air out because of my audience I'm able to tell him and get instant feedback. It's a beautiful thing. Good ol' fashioned communication.

The one thing we talked about for a long time is the concept of respect and the different ways we demonstrate it, or lack of it, to others. Most women realize the concept of the respect of a lie. I think appreciation of the concept comes with age. They also realize when to use it themselves.

If you used to date a dude with goo-gobs of money, extremely handsome, smart, kind, fun, etc., that's cool. We get it. But if everytime you bring him up you talk about how fun, handsome and paid he was, I'mma take umbrage to that shit. I'mma say go back to that muthafucka if he'll take you. Because you sound like you settlin' for me. And what the fuck do I want with a loser that can't keep a man she REALLY likes?

For instance, I used to date many, many women that were beautiful, extremely fit, sexy and eager to fuck. But I don't talk about it (person to person at least) unless prompted. And even then I'll temper my response.

Here's where the respect of a lie comes in. The times we had will always be clarified as "a-ight" or "straight", perhaps even "cool". But they won't be "oh my god we had sooooo much fun, she was the best!!!" I respect you enough to lie.

I extend that respect to when I'm being bored to death by the one-hundredth telling of the story about the one time your Uncle Skeet bought a 10-cent pickle for 5-cents. I extend it to when you talk about shoes, hats, fancy soap, Oprah, Tyler Perry or Grey's Anatomy. You extend it me when I talk about Iron Man, the NFL, barber shop talk, my boys, or The Wire.

Conceptually, it's very simple. It's much harder in practice. But make no mistake, it is respect.


Monday, July 07, 2008

Back To Hell

One week in the D has taught me a few things. Sphincter control must be practiced while masturbating. Old friends are sometimes just friends from a long time ago. Good customer service is STILL not an African American virtue. Sex appeal and lack of modesty are not one in the same. Girls with big asses don't automatically know how to clap it, it's still got to be practiced. Six foot three and a half inches, 300 pounds still make a black man invisible to white people, except when standing behind them at an ATM or walking on a dark street. There is no such thing as enough corruption. It's hard for a man to be ultra-masculine on a merry go round.

I'm back, boys and girls. Back to this meaningless, bullshit gig I complain about with no end in sight. At least my boss is gone for the week so I get to do TWO jobs I hate instead of the one. Lucky, lucky me.

Be cool, alright?