Wednesday, December 17, 2008

2008 Ultimate Holiday Shopping Guide For Ladies

Hey y'all. I've been a little depressed. I guess more depressed than usual. My boss, Allen, the Republican with the Ronald Reagan screen saver, scored tickets to the inauguration. Where's the gotdamn justice? I mean, for real, where's the justice?

Anyway, this is not about that. This is a true life guide for the ladies out there on how to shop for their husbands, boyfriends, or significant others for Christmas. I want to go on the record saying "Fuck Christmas". This is not an endorsement of that made up pagan winter solstice ritual that Christians hijacked and conflated to correspond birth of their Lord and Savior. Christmastime is a gotdamn myth. And now to my recommendations...

Ladies, you wanna know the hottest gift out there for your dude? The thing that he'll be happy as fuck to wake up to on Christmas Day? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll happy as hell to wake up to on the 26th? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll be happy as hell to wake up to on March 22nd? I think you've guessed it. It's free and it makes the household run a lot smoother.

The other thing that you may want to check into for your guy are noice cancelling headphones. Trust me, they are the best things ever invented. The top of the line headphones are from Bose, with Sony coming in second. They might be a little pricey, but they are worth it. When you are bitching about that chick from work that gets on your nerves, or telling another story about your fucked up family, those headphones will come in handy. Let that African listen to Nas while you whine about your yeast infection. He deserves a break.

Does your man have a hobby? I'll bet he does (even if you don't know about it). If so, don't buy him anything related to his hobby. It's likely he'll get it for himself in the near future anyway. Give him something that he'd never think to buy for himself: a plane ticket for you to go out of town. It's the gift that keeps on giving. He can do shit that he'd like to do during his time off instead of worrying about whether or not a bulb went out on the outside lights or if y'all have visited every friend in your phone book over the holiday season. Do that shit and come home to a grateful man.

I've always heard that lingerie is a gift that is more for the man than it is for the woman. I disagree. If that woman likes to feel pretty and enjoys dick, that lingerie is as much for her as it is for the man. I still think it's a cop out gift, though. That being said, arranging a private showing of lingerie that you're considering purchasing, complete with lingerie models would not be a bad investment. He will most certainly enjoy seeing the latest boudoir fashions being presented in a manner consistent with their design. It's a gift for the fashion forward man in your life. Think about it.

That's it for now, ladies. Talk to you later.



onefromphilly said...

Zed, you crack me up!

chele said...

Thanks...I think.

Anonymous said...

Well if he gets a free lingerie show(models and all) can I have some male models model some Magnum condoms? I mean it's for the both of us right? LOL!!!

twin2blog said...

hey dog got the thank you letter

Knockout Zed said...

This is a functional list. Try it out. Seriously.

How come you didn't get an "A" in that class you took? You gotta step it up!!!

I don't see why not. But this list is for his Christmas, not hers. Somebody else gotta write that list. LOL!

Cool! I really did appreciate your gift and the fact that you showed up! I had people RSVP and basically had me paying for uneaten food.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

the best part of the holidays when i'm single is not having to worry about giving anyone a damn thing!

it's also the worst part when i have to face my grandfather and tell him i have no earthly idea when i'm gonna get married but hell...less gifts is more money for me.

the last time i gave a guy a gift, it was to go to a high end place that served scotch to get shaved...i never noticed until that day that he really didn't grow facial hair.

Oh fucken well.

I blogged in your comments..sorry, i'm bored!

SimplyB said...

Interesting list! LOL

Monie said...

LOL! You are insane!

T Jizzle said...

LOL! I had to go ahead and read this for Hubby. He was cracking up...he enjoyed the plane ticket out of town line. LOL!

Anonymous said...

I'm more than happy to give my man the good ol' sloppy wet blowjob on Xmas morning and any other morning, but what do I do, Zed, when my man doesn't want that? You think he's suffering from erectile or prostate issues?

Help me out. Any suggestions how to get the fires of romance burning again?

- A long lost blogging friend

proacTiff said...

Sloppy, wet BJs ain't free. Not when I haven't been on a vacation in years. I work an eight to five, cook, clean and be wifey. Take calls from bill collectors and open late notices from the postman. And as much as I miss givin'em because they are clearly the gift that keeps on giving, I am too burned out to work (they are 'jobs' you know) pro bono. As for lingerie, I can wear Fredricks of Hollywood and you come to bed looking old as Fred G. Sanford in a Santa Claus suit? That's why my lingerie have cob web accoutrements. [Sigh]

Knockout Zed said...

I don't know what the antidote is for wet, sloppy blowjob. What ever it is, I don't ever want to take it. I don't have an answer. Just typing the words "wet, sloppy blowjob" has an effect on me, so the actual act...sigh.

That shit would piss me off too. I get holding off and the bj when you're not getting your needs met. I would think if you told him that Fred G. Sanford shit ain't cool, that no vacation shit ain't cool, and you need a gotdamn break from being the finance officer/gatekeeper, he'd respond in some positive way. Maybe I'm just delusional, but I believe in the power of love. And wet, sloppy blowjobs.


1969 said...

See? I always learn something when I come here. I am throwing all of Mr. 1969's gifts out right now.

Knockout Zed said...

I'm telling you, if he gets any one of these gifts, he'll be eternally grateful.