Hey y'all. I've been a little depressed. I guess more depressed than usual. My boss, Allen, the Republican with the Ronald Reagan screen saver, scored tickets to the inauguration. Where's the gotdamn justice? I mean, for real, where's the justice?
Anyway, this is not about that. This is a true life guide for the ladies out there on how to shop for their husbands, boyfriends, or significant others for Christmas. I want to go on the record saying "Fuck Christmas". This is not an endorsement of that made up pagan winter solstice ritual that Christians hijacked and conflated to correspond birth of their Lord and Savior. Christmastime is a gotdamn myth. And now to my recommendations...
Ladies, you wanna know the hottest gift out there for your dude? The thing that he'll be happy as fuck to wake up to on Christmas Day? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll happy as hell to wake up to on the 26th? A wet, super sloppy blowjob. You know what he'll be happy as hell to wake up to on March 22nd? I think you've guessed it. It's free and it makes the household run a lot smoother.
The other thing that you may want to check into for your guy are noice cancelling headphones. Trust me, they are the best things ever invented. The top of the line headphones are from Bose, with Sony coming in second. They might be a little pricey, but they are worth it. When you are bitching about that chick from work that gets on your nerves, or telling another story about your fucked up family, those headphones will come in handy. Let that African listen to Nas while you whine about your yeast infection. He deserves a break.
Does your man have a hobby? I'll bet he does (even if you don't know about it). If so, don't buy him anything related to his hobby. It's likely he'll get it for himself in the near future anyway. Give him something that he'd never think to buy for himself: a plane ticket for you to go out of town. It's the gift that keeps on giving. He can do shit that he'd like to do during his time off instead of worrying about whether or not a bulb went out on the outside lights or if y'all have visited every friend in your phone book over the holiday season. Do that shit and come home to a grateful man.
I've always heard that lingerie is a gift that is more for the man than it is for the woman. I disagree. If that woman likes to feel pretty and enjoys dick, that lingerie is as much for her as it is for the man. I still think it's a cop out gift, though. That being said, arranging a private showing of lingerie that you're considering purchasing, complete with lingerie models would not be a bad investment. He will most certainly enjoy seeing the latest boudoir fashions being presented in a manner consistent with their design. It's a gift for the fashion forward man in your life. Think about it.
That's it for now, ladies. Talk to you later.