Wednesday, December 03, 2008


I guess this blog is about to get a whole lot more boring. I thought that would eventually happen when I got married, basically your life changes, calms down, and you got less shit to talk about. But that's not the reason it's getting more boring starting right now. It's getting more boring because I'm getting overwhelmed at how pointless my life is. I really do hate my job, the people I work with, the work that I do, and the overall nature of workplace interaction.

I'm working to pay for shit I don't need and a master's degree that didn't do shit in the way of advancing my career. Think about that: I paid for additional education to assist me in a job that I don't like. And the shit didn't even assist me! Ain't that a bitch? The trappings of success have eluded me, but people act like I'm a success. I'm not even happy outside of being with TAD, and we still live two hours away from each other, with weekend visits. I don't even get to enjoy being with my wife during the week.

This shit is so pointless. I'm not making this place a better place to live. I'm not contributing to the growth or success of the people around me. I'm not a better person. I read less and complain more. I feel stuck. I've really prepared and I'm ready to perform any task in my field, but I don't really wanna do this shit. I wanna enjoy my life. This shit ain't enjoyable.

I understand life's not supposed to be all wine and roses, but fuck, it's supposed to be SOME wine and roses. Gotdamn!



onefromphilly said...

I felt the exact same way about 12 years ago. I was also working for City gov't. I tell you, the shyt is DRAINING!! It drains the mind, the body, and worst of all the soul. I ran far away to the open arm of the Feds. Better pay, more room for advancement, and believe it or not, less bullshyt. This is no picnic but I'm away from the reaches of the general public. And the one great thing about working for Uncle Sam is that they respect education, maybe because this is the most degreed area on the planet.
Dems are in controll now, that can mean BIG gov't. Have you tried looking on the Fed level in DC?

Knockout Zed said...

I've tried, with not a lot of luck. But really, I think the whole thing is that I'm fucking sick of the whole mindset I find myself in. I don't wanna do this shit or any other shit. I'd like to enjoy my life a little.

My wife sent me this blog from this couple that took a year off and just traveled the world. That shit made me bitter and pissed that I haven't LIVED better. And I'm not even that big a traveler, I'd just like the option to do the shit I actually want to do.


Bananas said...

On a serious tip Zed…Dude I am a lot older than you, and like you I went down the trail of higher education in search of the American Dream. Whatever the hell that was. Didn’t find it.

For whatever reason we here in the States tend to define ourselves by what we do for a living, not by who we really are. Hey, most of us work to live but then don’t actually live. It’s kinda sad really.

But the funk can be reversed. Think about, why do you do what you do? I don’t know the great Zed well but I’d say it has a lot to do with your current standard of living, and traditionally, that’s how people get trapped. They do the job, to make the cash, to live the way they want to live, and then find out that they don't actually live that way.

Look, you know as well as I that traveling the world takes money. Money a lot of us haven’t been blessed with. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something within your grasp.

At 35 I changed jobs, downsized my life, found a way to work less and got into stuff I really liked. For me, most of it was community based volunteer programs, but that’s just me. I found out that my standard of living wasn’t as high, but I was a whole lot happier. I was with the people I loved, doing something I loved. It was enough for me.

You know why I am not a millionaire Zed? Because I am unwilling to sacrifice enough to be one. Do you know why I am not one of the happiest guys on the planet? Because I am unwilling to sacrifice enough to be one.

Zed…you need to go find…Zed.

Hey, but what the fuck do I know? I’m just a middle-aged man on a rant.

Miz JJ said...

It's tough when you feel stuck. I'm kind of there right now too. I want to make moves, but the debt situation makes it difficult. At least you have someone you love to commiserate with. It won't be forever. That's my chant to get me through.

ChezNiki said...

You are speaking my mind. My education seems quite useless now. However, the advice my sister gave me (she's your age) was that our various educations are a stopgap, protection from being out of work all together.

Also, if it helps, I think of my job(s) as a resource to help me do the things I really enjoy. For instance: One hour of work equals monthly carfare back and forth to choir practice, Three hours of work is a round trip ticket to NYC, A full days work rents a table at a craft fair and purchases some new yarn... etc.

Use your job to squeeze some pleasure out of your life... but for Gawds sake yall newlyweds need to move in together!

((hugging but youre so skinny now!))

The Brown Blogger said...

My Brother,

I used to be in that funk because I think a lot of us did the same thing by getting educated and getting into 'the race' because that's what we were instructed to do by the elders for the good of our race and the good of the future, but times do change. We haven't changed with how things have changed. It has been proven that the free market/capitalist system, the supporting industries and the government and its regulatory commissions in this country do not work, but we all still live within that structure, and that is what is killing us.

Now Brother, we've talked before and exchanged a few emails over the years and in that I don't think you never knew exactly what I did for a living. In 06 I left corporate America/the Govt behind and have been independent ever since. It took some travel, a few relationship hurdles and me being dead broke in order for me to get here, but I am here. I run a courier service I started some time ago and I do very well even in this financial crisis.

I've been self employed for a minute and I live better than I ever have in life, and I got hitched to a sister from friggin' Tulsa, flew her in, set up shop her in the Chi and based on influence and she is now self employed as well. We get to do all the shit we used to watch other people doing that we wanted to do on our offices/cubicle monitors back in the day because we control our workdays.

The only way to get that way is to unplug. I did that because I knew I was missing shit working late and on weekends and I was doing other people's work so I could take credit just to get more work in return. When I took vacation for the first time last year and stayed a few extra days (because I could) I knew that I did the right thing in leaving the corporate structure.

You have to wrap your mind around unplugging from the matrix and plan on doing it and then actually doing it. It may not manifest itself the same way it did for me, but eventually (like it's already doing to you now) it will kill your spirit, then your motivation to make change, your relationship and then you. You don't have to be self employed but you might have to let that corporate shit go and do like Terry said and find you, then your niche.

I still fucks with corporate America because I used to be in sales and education and I spent damn near 10 years with USPS and I knew that there was money in shipping and receiving and that led to me contracting my services to those that needed a more private source of delivery based on the sensitivity of certain packages being delivered. It took me damn 20 years to learn this shit by working in those industries and then act on it with starting my own shit. I'm better off because I did this.

My question to you is what exactly is your niche and how do you capitalize on it. Your marriage is important and you're in the process of building a home. How do you make that solvent?

You did say in your comment above that your mindset is kinda fucked right now. Start by changing that. If you don't wanna do this shit anymore, then do something else.

You's a talented cat with a bunch a gifts from the Creator. I'm sure this will turn out to be a speed bump in you and TAD's past.

Make that shit happen, I know you can do anything you want to do.

Knockout Zed said...

Gotdamn, I love y'all bloggers!!! I wrote this feeling like utter shit, now I'm thinking I'm just in a bad mind state. I need to really think about what I really want to do. I've been so afraid of re-booting and starting from scratch, but fuck, why not?


twin2blog said...

hey dog it your boy, you know the twin, i understand what you feel, who said life was going to be this way

Blah Blah Blah said...

Man, your people love you. Look how they take care of you and lift you up and give you options and ideas...

I haven't worked in almost a year I But I know that I still love being me. Despite what I am going thru, I'd still rather be me than anyone else.

You are awesome...and I have told you so many what you want to do...sacrifice now to live better later. So if that means get rid of that job and start, or rather end those books...then do it because as it stands right're in a city you don't wnat to be in, with people you don't like and your wife is 2 hours away....
Make a move Zednanreh!!!

Butterfly Jones said...

Blimey, I could have written that myself, but I didn't want to depress people, which is why I haven't blogged for months! LOL! You are a fantastic writer... that's one option for you x