Barnacles

This dumb assed person who lives here (I refuse to refer to her as my friend anymore), Agent Zero, just got a foster child in her care. The baby is really, really new. Around a week and half old. She's a single mother with two teenagers and a full time gig, so she's busy as heck. The baby is taking up a grip of her time, but somehow she's managing. She asks me if I wanna see the baby.

KZ: Uh, no.
AZ: What? Everybody wants to see the baby. Why don't you?
KZ: I don't give a fuck about a baby. Fuck a baby.
AZ: What? Are you serious or are you just pulling some ol' Detroit shit*?
KZ: I'm dead serious. I don't fuckin' like kids.
AZ: How could you not like kids?
KZ: I just don't. I don't think about it. Other people's kids are fucking irritating. And when you try to tell them about their kids, they fucking get defensive. If I can't hit 'em, I don't want 'em the fuck around me.
AZ: You don't really mean that, do you?
KZ: Really and truly.
AZ: I can't understand how anyone could not like kids.
KZ: I don't understand how anyone could not like pussy. But I'm surrounded by straight women and gay men. I don't judge y'all, I just accept that shit. That's a two-way street. Accept that I don't like kids.
AZ: You are unbelieveable. You on that Detroit shit.

Her kids are Exhibit A in why I fuckin' hate kids. Those fucking kids interrupt her constantly on the phone, beg constantly,they're irresponsible, talk back, and they're lazy fucking kids. My mother woulda kept her foot in our asses. I blame her and I hope they find another home for that baby before she's able to raise him the same way she raised those other irritating little bastards. Arrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!

KZ


*This is Satan's Anus code for being belligerent or cynical. You gotta be on some "Detroit shit" if you don't trust white people completely or if you don't take being treated second class lying down.

Reading Is Accidental

I was off doing my volunteer thing this afternoon. Satan's Anus is a funny place. If your kids go to public school here, K thru 12, they go to any public college in Michigan for free. That's right, full tuition paid for. You wanna know the catch? The Black kids aren't graduating from high school. Or if they do, their grades suck. So I went to read to a class of second graders today trying to encourage them to attend college. They paired me up with this 70 year old white lady. She was pushy and cantankerous. Just what I needed. That's not even sarcasm, I needed her to take control.

We entered the classroom asking the kids what they knew about college and what they wanted to do when they grew up. They pretty much said what I thought they'd say. A lot of sports, cheerleading, hair stylists, modeling. Then they started asking questions.

"Y'all married?" "How old are you?" "You got any kids?" "Are you a wrestler?"

It's funny how these kids put me in the mind of kids I grew up with. They all looked so familiar. I found myself feeling sorry for their future selves, because I knew grown people that looked just like them. I'm answering questions and it's only like 5 girls asking me stuff. They're cheesing and giggling and shit. That's when it dawned on me that they're competing for my attention. When Emily, the lady I was partnered with said my name, they all squealed it at the same time and giggled. "Zed!" It finally happened. I'm a hottie to the prepubescent set. Now, if I was only 29 years younger...

We start reading to them and getting them to participate in the "how do you get there from here?" discussion and I start getting sized up by the little dudes.

"What do you do?" "I decide where buildings should go?" "Do you pick 'em up and move them?" he asked craning his neck dramatically to look up at me. One little fella, who looked much too big to be a second grader asked me questions about football. It was all getting a little overwhelming.

Then this girl came up to me. "You know my mama?" "What's your mother's name?" "Nikki." "Nikki what?" "Nikki Case. She's 34." "Nope." "What about Shonda Case? That's my aunt." "Nope, I don't know her either." "What about Te'Neeka Forest?" "Nope." "Yes you do! That's me!" Then she giggled and ran to sit down.

We tried to quiet the boisterous classroom down with book giveaways and wristbands, to no avail. Finally we thanked the teacher and said our goodbyes.

As I was leaving, this one little girl leaped from her seat and grabbed me by the legs, hugging me tightly. "Bye, Mr. Zed." "Bye, sweetie." I laughed as I left the room. Kids.

Stay Cool,
KZ

Concerto Of Frustration, 8th Movement

Hey peoples, what it be like? I'm just getting back to the office from a doctor's appointment, trying to see if I can stop the woman repeller that is my awful, awful snoring. Looks like I gotta participate in a sleep study to see if I got The Apnea and whatnot, so that'll be splendid.

So as I drive back to the office, I realize, there is no sweeter torture that is being dished out anywhere in the world, not at A.bu Gh.raib, not at Gu.antanamo, not by Ja.ck Bau.er, than that of driving in Satan's Anus. I bullshit you not, I've driven in NYC, Chicago, DC, ATL, and the retiree capital of the world, the great state of Florida, and there are no worse drivers on the planet than the denizens of Satan's Anus. How the fuck are you driving an Impala 10 miles below the speed limit in the far left lane? The only time most of these muthafuckas tap their gas pedals is when the light is yellow and they try to make it. They are inconsiderate, they cut you off, they drive parallel to you for miles or they hover in your blindspot. All in all, they suck. They suck so bad, they almost made me forget what I really want to talk about.

I want to talk about your kids. Yes, your kids. Don't look around thinking I'm talking about somebody else. I'm talking about you. *tappingthemonitorwithmyindexfinger* Hey, proud parent: Fuck your kid!

I have no real tolerance for my sister or my mother telling me about my nieces and nephews little adventures. I feign interest because, hell, I love my siblings and by extention, love their children. That doesn't mean I care a whole hell of a lot if they said something cute or appear to be precocious.

Now, that being said, why the fuck do I give a fuck about some unrelated muthafucka's demon spawn and their ability to wipe their own asses? Or the fact that they know their fuckin' alphabet. I don't give a fuck what little Jasper said to the milkman last Tuesday. Fuck little Jasper! Be fuckin' considerate. How boring is that story to me? Think about me for once, dammit!

And while I'm on the subject, wrangle those little bastards a little better. I don't need your fuckin' kids looking at me like I'm a gotdamn safari animal as I'm waiting for the doctor or eating at a restaurant. The minute you see 'em standing in front of me staring and they're over the age of 2, grab 'em, or I'll be ready to shove 'em back from whence they came.

Wow, I can't believe I had all that stored up in me. As you were.

KZ