Friday, January 09, 2009

Yet Another Gym Diatribe

I know I'm repeating myself in these posts, but such is life. This whole thing is cyclical and I am a mere pawn in the big scheme of things. That being said, I'm here to spout off about my pet peeves at the local YMCA.

Man, if I see another a) bastard wearing jeans to work out, or b) bastard wearing spandex shorts to work out, I'll flip. Neither of these garments are appropriate gym wear for men, and jeans are inappropriate for either sex. Muthafucka, I do not wanna see the outline of your sweaty nuts. Put some looser shit on. And looking at these stupid hicks wearing jeans to the gym just makes me uncomfortable. It fucks up my workout. That shit can't be comfortable. Buy a $2 pair of sweatpants and keep them shits in your trunk. Damn!

Another thing I hate is these Africans that are in the free weight room every time I go. There are about 5 of them and they lift together. They give the whole place a real prison yard feel. They all huddle over the same bench and shout out encouragement to each other. They are constantly in the way of other people trying to grab weights for their own work outs. Plus, when you have to wait for 5 dudes to each do their reps, then go through their cycle, they have basically monopolized a station. They are the loudest, most obnoxious muthafuckas known to man. The only upside is that they intimidate enough non-black people, that the rest of the room is virtually empty for my work out. I just found out one of the dudes is married to one of my secretaries, the one that looks like Kym Whit.ley. I'm all for cooperation in the spirit of that one funny word they use in Kwanzaa, but break the fuck up into smaller groups and stop looking like rec time at Folsom and shit.

I carry around this book with me at the gym. It's this regimen that I've been using to lose weight. I used to feel funny carrying it around and following the instructions on exercises, because it made me look like a novice, but as the results started showing I stopped giving a fuck. Muthafuckas used to snicker about that book, I've heard 'em. I'm a regular now and I'm at the gym six days a week, but not a day goes by when somebody doesn't ask me about that fucking book. I've watched them stagnate while I'm getting in better shape. So one of the original snickerers asked me about the book. "So is that how you lost so much weight?" I wanna be like Go somewhere and keep laughing, asshole.

And what would a gym post be without me talking about the locker room. Bastards better learn to use their peripherals. If your fucking head is turning when a naked man walks by, you need to fucking check yourself or get checked. I don't care what your orientation is, I'm just talking about the rudeness aspect of it. Locker room etiquette is, shall, and will always be do not look at a muthafucka you don't know and never look below that muthafuckas chest, period.

I'm sure I'll have more as this agonizing winter season at the gym marches on.

Be Easy,


1969 said...

Did you say you hit a gypsy?
You do know I love that book right?


Get your body right and forget those gym losers.

I hate the women that show up in full make-up,weaves and super tight workout gear and clean azz sneakers. They end up talking to the prison yard gym guys,doing three minutes on the elliptical and then leaving.*smh*

Knockout Zed said...

I forgot about them!!! It's this one chick that just fucks with the prison yard dudes the whole time, wearing inappropriate shit that she's never sweated in. I love ass, I'm an advocate for ass, but there's a time and place for everything!


1969 said...

"I love ass, I'm an advocate for ass, but there's a time and place for everything!"

Do they sell this on t-shirts? They should. It's perfection in a sentence. LMAO!!!

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

the best thing about working out in LA is that folks take it really really serious, however gym attire will always be an issue.

since i'm a basic gym rat cuz i don't have a job right now, I see it all. The anorexic girl in the booty shorts who is damn near showing off her brazilian wax job. The guys who only work out near the yoga studio window and end up stopping and staring. The Africans that ONLY go to the gym to play hoops and talk shit, and then the slutty girls in the coochie cutters, who probably do porn for a living anyway.

okay gimme the name of the book I won't tell anyone. I'm trying to get hot enough to be a pole dancer!

Knockout Zed said...

They must be filming porn in the hinterlands of Michigan too, cuz we got more than our share of sleazy chicks. The prison yarders usually come from playing basketball to the weight room. They used to just "play at" weight lifting, now they're into it apparently.

Click on the quote in the post and all will be revealed.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

I think I just stopped being your friend. I got the Classic book reference but I know your crazy ass isn't walking around the gym reading it.

I will never get pole dancer hot like that. And I mean never!

PS on the subject of books please go to the book store and get the Diego Rivera 2009 calendar of his Detroit Industrial work. Its amazing!

Knockout Zed said...

I mistook your question! The book is plainly called "Lose Fat Forever" by Derek Alessi. That shit draws attention, like "what type of bullshit is in that book?" But it works for me.

Anything I can do to get more women pole dancing, I'll do it!


Anonymous said...

After you talked about the Africans I was D.O.N.E.

Can you do another post about appropriate gym bottoms for women? (light colored pants that show coochie sweat so you looked like you pissed yourself or the dreaded creamy yeasty camel toe pants)

Thanx in advance.

Knockout Zed said...

Ugggghhh!!!! Yeah...


Miz JJ said...

I'm with 1969. I can't stand the girls who come to work out in full make-up to flirt with dudes. Here's a tip ladies. When you put on perfume before you workout that shit comes out stronger during the work out choking other people with that noxious smell. Also, I can't take you seriously if you are wearing mascara during our hot yoga class. Your mascara is just running down your face making you look like a 1980s soap star.

BZ said...

LMMFAO!!! That sh*t is hillarious. I totally feel you! I used to get all these side-glances from thinner females in kickboxing (like, "WTF are you doing here, fata$$?"), not realizing I had been there longer than they had, so I actually had the stamina to maintain through the class. I'd just chuckle.

I totally feel you on the meatheads monopolizing sh*t. I'm glad my gym has a female-only section (even though they need to make that mess bigger).

I'm so feeling you, 1969! Totally made up females with the jewelry on and whatnot. UGH!

Blah Blah Blah said...

Gym...what's a gym?
Or better yet...
AJ, who is gym?

You remember me having a $79 a month gym membership for a year. I'd walk by that place going to work and leaving work and the only time I went in there was to sign up. I even had brand new work-out clothes and no shit...I still have those same clothes with the tags on them from 3 years ago...
Again...what's a gym?!

Lisa Steptoe said...

I have never laughed so hard. I think my kidney burst over "stop looking like rec time at Folsom and shit"
I've been taking Bikram Yoga lately and I'm bout sick and damn tired of men (especially the brothers) wearing spandex pants with no jock or drawers. I really am not interested in seeing just how big or small your package is. Uggah...I'm trying to focus here, not snicker at your ish.

Lawd. I gotta lay down, this was so true and hilarious

LoveMyselfFirst said...

ok, i just about died rofl at this entry. hope your gym experiences have improved.