Bureaucrat Rant

Everyday I get bugged by somebody that doesn't know the rules, informal or formal guides on how things are done.

For instance, in men's restrooms, if there are 3 urinals, a man must choose the far left or far right one. If the far left and far right are taken, he goes to use the standard toilet. The middle one is not an option unless every other option is exhausted. We follow these rules because we are not barbarians.

But there is one unwritten rule that continues to be abused in my workplace. After 4:50, no citizens phone calls. Why you ask? Because a "short" question or a "short" discussion is never less than 10 minutes. And after 10 minutes, you're on my time. I've been on phone calls that started at 4:57 and ended at 5:40 with the caller saying stupid shit like "Jeez, I didn't mean to go on like that. It's after 5:00 and I didn't wanna keep you." Where I gotta respond like a good public servant and tell 'em it's no problem. It is a fuckin' problem.

The thing about unwritten rules is you can't enforce them per se. I can't get mad at my secretary for doing her job. I can't NOT answer the phone because it could be anybody, from the politicians to the administration to the press. And if they need me and it's before 5:00, I'd better be available. If they're not dialing me direct, the only number that pops up on my phone is the secretary's number, so I'm fucked.

The essence of this is a little bit of laziness. I hate doing shit anyway. Worse than that, I hate listening to people. At 4:58, this dude called me to complain about some frat house on his block. His rage and ire was so palpable the phone could barely contain it. You would have thought that a crack den had opened for business and hired his grandchildren to slang. It's a fuckin' FRATERNITY HOUSE. Talked to me for 20 minutes at the end of a long day about house they're always on their porch drinking beer. Who gives a fuck?

To call me at 4:50 to talk about some business's sprinkler system flooding the street is stupid. My department doesn't deal with drainage OR streets. Furthermore the department that does deal with drainage ALSO deals with streets. One well placed call to the WATER AND STREETS DEPARTMENT might have done the trick, don't you think?

This asshole called me yesterday at 4:55 to ask me about the chances of success of his business if he moved to our area. How the fuck would I know? Don't you have marketing people? I'm not a fuckin' financial analyst. Flush your money down the toilet for all I care.

There you have it. A man charged with dealing with people that hates dealing with people. That's life.

Peace,
KZ

The Etiquette Of Hostility

Hey peoples, what's new? Same ol' shit with me, as always. I just know I'm enjoying the warm weather. We deserve the beautiful weather as a whole, but it hasn't been a picnic in the midwest. This shit is necessary! The change in weather also opens up that same old internal dialogue I have: am I insane or just overly sensitive?

So I was out enjoying the beautiful weather the other night, walking around downtown, pre-dusk. I had some checks that I needed to deposit so I stopped at my bank's ATM. As I'm making the deposit, this cat of slight build, in his early 20's rolls up behind me on a bike. I stopped and turned around so that I was facing him.

"Sir, could you please choke me to sleep?" "What?" "I would appreciate it if you would grab me by the throat and squeeze until I lose consciousness."

Now I'm thinking, what the fuck is this? Why is this kid inviting death? Shit it was either that or he was a sexual fetishist. *Sidenote: yes, ladies, I've met y'all that like to get choked while you getting boned and y'all are creepy to me. That's right, I said it!*

It turns out, I misheard him. He asked me if he could have $1.25 to buy some food. I only thought I heard him asked to get choked out, because if he had done the same thing in the D, that's basically the outcome. How the fuck you come up behind anybody at an ATM at dusk and say anything to them, especially pertaining to money? That shit will get you killed, seriously. I think these motherfuckers live in some sort of idiot bubble that protects them from what's really going on. A different type of muthafucka, same origin, woulda shot him in the neck. Fools and babies, man. "Man, hell no! What the fuck you doin' comin' up behind me askin' for shit? Get the fuck outta here!" That's all I could muster.

Yesterday, minding my own business, eating lunch outside, an acquaintance asks "You mind if I sit with you?" If we spoke, I saw you and you saw me, and I didn't invite you to sit, the answer is "yes, I do mind if you sit with me". But say that shit, and you're a dick. So you say "Sure". And the idiots regale you with tales of daring and whimsy for the rest of the hour. Except the tales are really mediocre and not funny. If you ask to sit and fuck up my lunch hour of zoning out and people watching, you better make damn well sure the stories you tell are entertaining enough to pass muster.

Damn, I need a drink.

Peace,
KZ