Hey peoples, what's new? Same ol' shit with me, as always. I just know I'm enjoying the warm weather. We deserve the beautiful weather as a whole, but it hasn't been a picnic in the midwest. This shit is necessary! The change in weather also opens up that same old internal dialogue I have: am I insane or just overly sensitive?
So I was out enjoying the beautiful weather the other night, walking around downtown, pre-dusk. I had some checks that I needed to deposit so I stopped at my bank's ATM. As I'm making the deposit, this cat of slight build, in his early 20's rolls up behind me on a bike. I stopped and turned around so that I was facing him.
"Sir, could you please choke me to sleep?" "What?" "I would appreciate it if you would grab me by the throat and squeeze until I lose consciousness."
Now I'm thinking, what the fuck is this? Why is this kid inviting death? Shit it was either that or he was a sexual fetishist. *Sidenote: yes, ladies, I've met y'all that like to get choked while you getting boned and y'all are creepy to me. That's right, I said it!*
It turns out, I misheard him. He asked me if he could have $1.25 to buy some food. I only thought I heard him asked to get choked out, because if he had done the same thing in the D, that's basically the outcome. How the fuck you come up behind anybody at an ATM at dusk and say anything to them, especially pertaining to money? That shit will get you killed, seriously. I think these motherfuckers live in some sort of idiot bubble that protects them from what's really going on. A different type of muthafucka, same origin, woulda shot him in the neck. Fools and babies, man. "Man, hell no! What the fuck you doin' comin' up behind me askin' for shit? Get the fuck outta here!" That's all I could muster.
Yesterday, minding my own business, eating lunch outside, an acquaintance asks "You mind if I sit with you?" If we spoke, I saw you and you saw me, and I didn't invite you to sit, the answer is "yes, I do mind if you sit with me". But say that shit, and you're a dick. So you say "Sure". And the idiots regale you with tales of daring and whimsy for the rest of the hour. Except the tales are really mediocre and not funny. If you ask to sit and fuck up my lunch hour of zoning out and people watching, you better make damn well sure the stories you tell are entertaining enough to pass muster.
So I was out enjoying the beautiful weather the other night, walking around downtown, pre-dusk. I had some checks that I needed to deposit so I stopped at my bank's ATM. As I'm making the deposit, this cat of slight build, in his early 20's rolls up behind me on a bike. I stopped and turned around so that I was facing him.
"Sir, could you please choke me to sleep?" "What?" "I would appreciate it if you would grab me by the throat and squeeze until I lose consciousness."
Now I'm thinking, what the fuck is this? Why is this kid inviting death? Shit it was either that or he was a sexual fetishist. *Sidenote: yes, ladies, I've met y'all that like to get choked while you getting boned and y'all are creepy to me. That's right, I said it!*
It turns out, I misheard him. He asked me if he could have $1.25 to buy some food. I only thought I heard him asked to get choked out, because if he had done the same thing in the D, that's basically the outcome. How the fuck you come up behind anybody at an ATM at dusk and say anything to them, especially pertaining to money? That shit will get you killed, seriously. I think these motherfuckers live in some sort of idiot bubble that protects them from what's really going on. A different type of muthafucka, same origin, woulda shot him in the neck. Fools and babies, man. "Man, hell no! What the fuck you doin' comin' up behind me askin' for shit? Get the fuck outta here!" That's all I could muster.
Yesterday, minding my own business, eating lunch outside, an acquaintance asks "You mind if I sit with you?" If we spoke, I saw you and you saw me, and I didn't invite you to sit, the answer is "yes, I do mind if you sit with me". But say that shit, and you're a dick. So you say "Sure". And the idiots regale you with tales of daring and whimsy for the rest of the hour. Except the tales are really mediocre and not funny. If you ask to sit and fuck up my lunch hour of zoning out and people watching, you better make damn well sure the stories you tell are entertaining enough to pass muster.
Damn, I need a drink.
Peace,
KZ
17 comments:
hehehehehehehehe!
But I feel you. Sometimes you just don't feel like being bothered with people. Just yesterday I was sitting outside at lunchtime and know I had the "leave me the fuk alone" look on my face. And just like clockwork some guy sits down next to me and begins to critique how the maintenance men are cutting the grass.... WTF???
@OneFrom
Who is that conversation benefiting? Anyone? Anyone at all? Nope. That asshole just had to roll up and ruin your tranquility. Some people can't stand to see a person satisfied with their own company.
KZ
I hate that. My "team" always wants to eat lunch together. I am good for having to "run errands" and not being able to eat with them. Why I gotta lie though? I just need an hour alone.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
I love my own company. Does that count as self-absorbed? LOL
@Sixy
Perfect example of that. I just went to lunch early as shit because I heard them discussing going out together for lunch. That little fucking hour is the only thing keeping me off their ass. They best let me have that shit.
@Anon
Where's the part where he came on her face?
@BZ
That sounds perfectly fine to me! I'm right there with you.
KZ
You need to find a spot outside that they haven't discovered yet.
i guess i must be rude by nature because i have no problems telling people that i am enjoying the silence and perhaps they should sit elsewhere if they want someone to talk to...
I only lunch with co workers i like, period! I don't care if the whole office stares at us while we leave in awe of our exclusivity...
And as for bums, I don't give money to grown men. Period. Any fool that can't understand that is liable to catch and earful.
Boundaries, we all have them, I just spent good money on therapy to learn how to use them!
ok, last 2 no more jokes. Just thought these were perfect for "what did you say type jokes"
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
-----------------------------------
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says "7 feet, 350 pounds, 17 inches, 3 pounds each, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 17 inch willy, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "TURNER BROWN?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turnaround'!"
rofl...aw man, I should have stopped reading halfway through. I would have loved to leave your blog thinking that someone walked up to you and asked him to choke him out.
But yeah there are rules to standing to close, Aceyalone outlines this in his song Give me 5 Feet (actually I'm not sure of the exact title).
I say there are certain situations where people shouldn't roll up to close to you (actually any situation), but mainly ATM's, the gym (especially if there are 50 other machines they can get on, yet they decide to use the one RIGHT next to you), male urinals...
lol at dude on the bike having a death wish. WOW!
I guess I'd be a dick cause I would let them sit down and then leave. oh wait, cause im female that would make me a bitch huh?
oh well.
Hahaha...that's the funniest sh*t I've read in a minute!! Too hilarious...
Yeah, what is it with these people who automatically think it's cool to just walk up and sit with you? Just cause I know your name and you know mine--that somehow gives you the right to declare it a joint lunch? Nah... You're much nicer than I would have been though.
Haha, and I'm dyin off the "choke" incident. It's crazy how different the mentalities are in various geographic locations.
Nice post!
I'm back and who was that female you were with last time I saw you she was fine.
@Nexgrl
I know a spot. It's in Detroit!
@Miss Ahmad
Aren't you the same woman that hemmed up your co-worker in an elevator? I know you got balls of steel, somewhere. On your mantle, perhaps.
@Anon
*crickets*
@L and TV
I love that song! That whole "All Balls Don't Bounce" CD is that thang!
You're right about all those 5 foot rules, gym machines, urinals, et al. I could write about that shit all day.
@J
I think I'll play the "dick" card and let them sit, then jet. That might not be a bad thing.
@Stephanie
The shit that made me the maddest about the ATM incident is that it actually scared the shit outta me. I wanted to beat his ass. I was trying to provoke him after he scared me so I could beat him with impunity.
@Twin
Welcome back! I knew you couldn't stay off the blog (even though you did a great job of it!).
That beautiful young lady you saw me with was TAD. You can search the archives to see a little of that backstory.
KZ
LMAO @ that dude asking to be choked. I feel like I live in an alternate universe.
I share my lunchtime with the a co-worker lately. His stories of youth and stupidity never cease to keep me entertained. Plus, he is nice eye candy.
@Miz JJ
See that works. At least you get the eye candy. I get a same sex fellow city worker talking about their boring ass lives. Where's the karma?
KZ
That ATM situation would have made me very nervous. That aint cool at all.
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