Friday, April 20, 2007

My Fuckin' Head Hurts

What's crackin' y'all? I'm getting ready to enjoy my extra long weekend. It's extra long because I took next week off. I'll be chillin' at the crib, getting fitted for my apnea machine and watching the shameless degrade themselves on TV.

I haven't been writing much this week because I'm in an especially ponderous mood. I can't snap out of it, as much as I try. I can't engage in real world (or cyber world) type joviality, as much as I try.

The one source of frustration is that we all learn everything we need to know after we most need it, especially regarding relationships. Let's say you're kickin' it with somebody. You are giving and kind, putting your best foot forward in the relationship. Yet, the person you're seeing is aloof, standoffish and generally detached. You get no satisfaction from it, so you move on.

In the next relationship you remain reserved and standoffish, hoping not to get hurt. The person you're dating is working under another set of assumptions. They are open and kind to you, perhaps adjusting for THEIR past relationship. This next relationship fails because you're treating the new person like you should have treated the first person. Lesson learned, but too fuckin' late. And you're in this cycle. "Next time, Imma do it differently." Good luck with that.

I've seen a dude scrutinize the shit out of a completely faithful woman because his last chick cheated. She broke up with him and he dated a new chick who he didn't scrutinize at all. She cheated, now he's back to the scrutiny. When's this shit gonna stop?

This shit goes on forever ad infinitum until one day you decide, I'll treat this relationship as if it's any other personal interaction. Just do it, without a predetermined set of behaviors, go into a relationship and react without a script. You might be surprised at how much more fun the relationship is.

Regards,
KZ

17 comments:

Proactiff said...

I, too, am in a reflective mood of sorts. My feelings outweigh preconceived notions. I give benefits of doubt. I figure if you fuck up it's a 'Reynolds' wrap. Sure you get disappointed, but you don't have to spend every waking moment in the relationship 'worrying' about 'what if' cause the situation reminds you of a past event. Too much energy trying to maintain a tough exterior. There are NO guarantees in life - 'cept death. Damn. I sound morbid.

I'm having an extra long weekend too. No school/work today. Only 22 days left of school/work. Then the real work begins cause the kids will be home. On second thought I need to be busy looking into summer camp. Hey, you thinkin' 'bout pimpin' your apnea machine? Considering you will be riding out on it when try'na get some sleep. LOL

Knockout Zed said...

@Tiff
This shit is so true. You just do your best and hope it works out. The facade stuff is exhausting. Nothing is guaranteed at all.

I need to lease out the machine. Fuck puttin' rims on it, I need to recoup!

KZ

Robyn said...

Well, you KNOW my story.... that's why me and MY ex had a fucked up time of it..... he was not able to "give" because of HIS ex- eho fucked him over, unable to go with it and just feel. it's a terrible cyclical thing.

If a person can just go with it, they win. Even if the rel'p goes south, like Tiff said... they don;t have the "what if" "sin"drome.... best thing in the world :-)

Miz JJ said...

You can't blame someone new for what the last person did. I try to give everyone a chance. Until you prove otherwise you are completely trusted.

Angie said...

I'm trying to grow up and get it together, but I'm still doin' the "what is he really up to" thing. Thinkin' shit out too hard, "what did he really mean when he said....." I know it's effed up but I can't seem to stop. : (

Zeddy you are going to fall deeply in love with your machine. Trust me. I call mine "Sleep Daddy". : )

Shai said...

Wow! Good post. Spring is definitely in the air and the sap rising. About a half dozen blogs I have stopped by today spoke about male/female relationship situations.

I agree Zed. It is hard. The thing is going on instinct makes a difference. Sometimes we feel or think to much when our sixth sense, our spirit, tells what is up.

The Brown Blogger said...

Shit brother, sounds like my current situation.

And seeing that I relocated to the nether regions known as the south, have no other contacts (or adversaries for that matter) and nothing is familiar, leaving a brother isolated I feel stuck.

Looks like it's time to throw up my hands and just walk away.

Again.

Sad thing is, I'll want to be right were I am in a mere few months from now.

aquababie said...

oaxdmi've always tried to give folks a fair chance. i can't blame the next man for the last man's shit. i did experience this last year, but i caught myself.

DivineLavender said...

I just go for it. I am a sap like that. I believe in love at first "soul" sight. Maybe the difference is that I love being in love and having my soul his/her soul without knowing where they work and their blood type. Its comic and destined.

Yet, I do consider and value the other elements that make or break a relationship. I can't roll with violence, sour sex, unemployment, laziness, too many kids, too many ex-wives, lies, lies by omission, truth via private investigator, etc, etc.


I mean how many men have I loved and the haven't loved me? (Countless!) I can't blame them. I am hurt because the love isn't returned but I value the honest feedback that they didn't love me or weren't ready for a relationship. Its one thing to love and not have it returned then have it faked back. That is more hurtful....like Natural Child birth.


I have been in their shoes and it is so hard to look into those puppy dog eyes that so adore, love, and admire MY napped headed, dark, fat, goofy, nerdy, sexy, short, country, educated, corky, womanist, counseling, bisexual, and ultra-sensitive black ass!


...And feel no spark...know there is no future....see no potential. I had to gather some courage and dignity to tell them the truth, "I don't love you and I am not ready for what you have to offer me." That hurts too.


Now, I wish I could bottle up the right soul timing and splash it all over the man that I will love next.

*key words; WILL LOVE NEXT


You know through the rejection, hurt, and pain...I am a better and more mature woman AFTER I leave a relationship. I am getting better but I got some patterns to bust up.


Zeddy, Love this...feeling this!

Royce's Daughter said...

My problem is to stop thinking about all the mistakes I'VE made in the past. Doubting myself and my ability to do the right things by someone else. I can be an evil bytch after a mere couple months...a straight up flake! I meet good dudes who I can't seem to give myself to because I'm afraid of me...it's a horrible cycle! But I am trying to be different, I think I have grown a lot in this last 3 years and I think I am finally ready to walk in the today and forget about yesterday cause I can't get it back and I can't change the fact that it happen.

Trusting yourself and someone else at the same time is often a challenge...I try to explain it and people just dont get it. I want to try love without too many conditions but is there really such a thing?

Enjoy your vacation Zeddie...YOU DESERVE IT!!!

J said...

lol man with what I just went through f*ck a relationship right now cause I dont have the capacity to deal with anyone without being cynical so I'm going to stay to myself for a minute and regroup.

You are so right tho!!!

Proactiff said...

Thought of you after listening closely to Musiq Soul Child's, "Teach Me How To Love." If you haven't already cop that one or at least download or listen to a sample of it. It fits where so many of us find ourselves one time or another...

Miss Ahmad said...

would it be awkward to post pictures of the sleep machine?

i mean no nudity or anything just a few shots

Mr.Slish said...

@ lol @ Ms Ahmad..

Yo dude I am soooo feeling this post.

My 1 3/4 cents. Never compare your future with your past.

At the end of the day all you can be is you and YOU is all ya got. Nothing is gauranteed doesn't matter how well behaved or ill mannered you are towards your significant other.

Thats why I never say "forever"

1969 said...

As that sage wise man, Jermaine Jackson once said...."Don't take it personal. Take the bitter with the sweet. Easy come easy go".

Love is all about continuing excitement and taking the risk. You have to take each opportunity at face value and not cloud it with the past. Unfortunately, it always sounds better on paper than carrying it out.

All we are trying to do is enjoy without getting our feelings hurt or hurting others.

Your last few posts have been very reflective Zeddie. Are you growing up on us?

The Stiltwalker said...

ok all I can say on this one is right on...

nikki said...

shit, it ain't as if we don't know what we're doing. folk ain't stupid. it's about having the control to stop that shit.