Tuesday, February 19, 2008

True Happiness = Overrated

A minister could shit in a cereal bowl, shout epithets, and pretend to slap box my cousin. Then he could say "I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride" and I'd be happy.

Afterwards, muthafuckas could mill around a darkened parking lot, with their cars parked in a circle with the headlights on, playing Schoolly D CDs on repeat and I'd be happy. Scratch that. I could give a fuck less what they do afterwards, because I gotta spend the rest of my life trying to support and raise my new family.

The shit I will never be happy about is this ulcer inducing, pain inflicting, horror show known as "planning the wedding" and all the bullshit that accompanies it.

I would gouge my eyes out with a fork and then sprinkle the empty sockets with tobasco if I could just move on the the marriage. This shit is the source of the majority of tension in my back and shoulders. And I'm in the middle of moving and job hunting. That's saying something.

Life is fucking hard enough, but putting together an expensive extravaganza to celebrate added responsibility and belt tightening just seems so fucking counterintuitive. We're at fucking war. The economy is in the dumper. And if you've got OnDemand and you're a fan of The Wire, shit is more depressing than ever.

I'm Out,


Blah Blah Blah said...

Parking lot pimping at Zed's wedding everybody!!!!
Nisa and I are gonna take it a step further and do a side-show in front of the church...doing donuts and whatnot while hanging on for dear life out the window while playing E-40 and getting hyphy...or going dumb...or whatever the fuck it is.

...sorry for no call back...but shit was worse than the trials and tribulations of wedding agendas...aka bamboozlment.

onefromphilly said...

You're not having fun yet???

Stop looking way down the road and just enjoy each day. WEDDINGS ARE FUN DAMMIT!!!

Ain't nothing in life for certain except DEATH!
You live you'll pay for it, you die you don't owe nothing.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

Don't worry I'm gonna bring my own liquor and hot sauce anyways and I don't eat much when I'm trying to get my buzz on!

I had a dream the other night that I got eloped in my "street clothes" you know just a regular everyday outfit and all of my folks were there in their regular everyday outfits and although i never thought I'd be a fan of eloping and wearing regular clothes on my wedding day, there was a warmth I felt thru and in my dreams when I touched that man that made me know it simply didn't matter where or how we got married.

But there again I'm not so romantic and football makes me horny!

Go figure!

Knockout Zed said...

You are a nut. Certifiably.

Yeah, keep telling me that. We'll see at your next one.

If football makes you horny, be glad you didn't meet me in high school or you woulda been preg-ga-nant.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

the good news is that I read somewhere that happy people make less money so perhaps your angst will gangsta you a bigger income!!

Anonymous said...

Amen to "The Wire" bit....I'm mad as hell but at least the writers are consistent. And add to your already long list....this goddamn weather isn't helping either. Hang in there.....

I'm in Indiana and I want lots of warm weather and sunshine.

1969 said...

Stop bytching and man up on the wedding planning. All you have to do is smile and show up. TAD is doing all of the work. I see you're in typical husband mode already.

Knockout Zed said...

I doubt it, but I'll be hopeful.

Ay, I watched your show last night. My advice: More of Jill's titties, less Perez!

We're in the same boat weather wise. I'm so fucking sick of snow!

That may be true, but I gotta constantly hear about the hard work!!! And that shit is hard work!

Anonymous said...

Zed is it really that bad? TAD is hooking everything up. Stop being so angry and maybe you can enjoy what’s happening as well as the rest of your life with TAD.

aquababie said...

planning weddings are hard and they do suck. just listen to tad and give all the support she'll need. it's tough fighting folk (including your mama) about a day that's all about you and your man getting hitched.

i'm telling you yall just split to someplace nice, get hitched and come back. just have a big reception. hell that's what i need to do.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

Jilly from Philly did have a nice rack didn't she!

Thanks for tuning in!

The Maven said...

LMAO! Don't fret, if I could, I'd box some of this LA weather up and send it to ya to brighten your day. You and TAD will get through this soon enough. As the two of you go, everyone else SHOULD fall in line. If not, boot their troublesome asses right up out the wedding!

Blah Blah Blah said...

..ummm, someone talking about nice racks?

proacTiff said...

I feel like Zed and I'm married. I say leave us BOF alone and let us pout until something changes.