Wednesday, August 31, 2005

You Have Thunder?

I was on a coffee date last night with "Batshit" and it was going pretty well. We were talking about work and other miscellaneous stuff. In the past month and a half since I've known her my opinions on her have ranged from "a little crazy" to "fucking insane". Last night was one of her saner moments.

I know there are a lot of women out there like this. Fucked around in their twenties and now in their early to mid thirties want to wash away their pasts by "total immersion religion". TIR consists of an all gospel music collection, heavy judgment against all things perceived as wicked (unless it's "Girlfriends" or some shit like that), becoming a born again virgin, faithful attendance at a really strict church, undying devotion to a pimp-like pastor, and non stop chatter about the need for everyone within listening range to get saved. That's "Batshit" in a nutshell. She's not the first woman I've met like this, and she surely won't be the last. And I'm not really judging her, though it sounds like it. If you have an agenda that puts marriage high on your list and you think this is the path, WORK YOUR PROGRAM. It's just not the way to fuck with me. I like bad girls. The badder the better.

Anyway, we were ordering coffee and she was standing in front of me. She ordered. When she was finished she stepped back into me so that her back was in my chest. I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer to me. She leaned her head into my shoulder. I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. And we stayed like that for a little while. This seems minor but it was a giant step in our completely non-physical dating game.

We sat down and talked about a bunch of different stuff, then I spilled my guts. "Listen, I really like you. I'm physically attracted to you, I have been since the first time I saw you. And as I'm getting to know you, I like you more and more." Why the hell am I being this frank with her? I could not tell you, it just felt right. "I don't think we could ever be a couple. I don't think we're compatible. You are seriously religious and I don't trust any organized religion. You want to live in a little house in a small community with a white picket fence. I want to live in a penthouse in Manhattan. This won't work on any serious level."

"Batshit" stared at me the entire time I talked. When I finished she said "How long have you been thinking about this." I told her I didn't know which was the truth. I don't consciously remember when I started to think about this. Trust me readers, y'all would know. She said, "I couldn't progress in the way I want to with a man who didn't take Christ as his savior. Anything else I could compromise."

When we left that coffeehouse, I planned on not ever talking to her again. I was going to suck it up and go it alone in that small town. But she called me a few times last night and we talked a little this morning. Not serious and deep. Just friendly stuff. Honestly, that's probably at the level it will stay.

This morning I had a meeting with a bunch of regional government leaders in my area. Is there no end to the number of white women bureaucrats with short manly looking haircuts and leisure suits? All those hoes look like Richie Cunningham's dad. And those fucking meeting cliches are killing me. "I'd like to piggyback on what Zed just said." No, you can't piggyback on what I said you fucking sodomite!!! This muthafucka this morning who spoke after another guy says "Daryl just stole my thunder." You got thunder?!? Where the fuck did you get thunder? How come I didn't get thunder? You see how they do the black man? How the fuck he get thunder and I didn't get no muthafuckin' thunder? That's some bullshit!!!

Platonically yours,


Chubby Chocolate said...

I totally feel you on the meeting culture/jargon. My job consists of attending meetings about 99.9% of the time. It's just a bunch of people getting together, most of them insecure and scared they'll sound like an idiot. Then there's always the one who thinks he knows everything....oh, I feel your pain! I really do!
And for Ms. Born-again. That's the type of shit that pisses me off-Relying on religion to transform you from a hoe to a housewife...There's no such thing as a recycled virgin!!!! The church made it up to recruit mindless people like "batshit!" Please don't get me started......

Melle Mel said...

Damn Zed... that's messed up! Too bad you didn't meet her 10 years ago, you could have bypassed her sudden conformity to religion. But the reality is that you know NOW - not 10 years ago - and if she can't accept you for who you are - f*&k her!

twin said...

look Zed I had one of them from the other K butler's church and I could have hit them draws in like two week choose not to because she would have never let me go. leave it alone, leave it alone !!!!

My-Conscience said...

Damn Zed, I have faith, but I am not going to push it on Noone. God put us on this earth to find our own way, not to make other's into what they are not.

And as far as that piggy back goes, next time find a way to kick that pig off your back and keep your shine!! -Crazy Out A.K.A BossLady as per sundani72)

toneec42 said...

Oh Zed, you crack me up! I hate that dang jargon "piggyback." Who came up with that shyt? Who was the first person to say "I'd like to piggyback on..." and why didn't all the other people around look at him like he was crazy?!
So now I've gone back and gotten the original scoop on "Batshit" but I'm going to keep reading bcuz I love the way you keep it plain.
You make me laugh out loud!