Thursday, September 01, 2005

Clam Dinner

Hey Negritos Frio, how you been? Me? I'm just chillin'. I had a little movement in the "Batshit" relations last night. I thought you'd like to hear about it.

I had to attend a BBQ last night with city officials. I spent most of the night talking to a city commissioner who was curiously interested in the eating habits of black people. Under the auspices of concern about hypertension and diabetes in the black community, she asked me a host of questions. "Do you eat okra? How about grits? Fried chicken?" After that highly offensive littany of inquiries, I was about ready to get home. Upon leaving the barbeque, I called "Batshit" because she asked me to call after I left. Yeah, I know, I'm pitiful. Anyway, she asked me to stop through. Me being alone in the boonies with nothing else better to do, I obliged.

I was kickin' back at her place sitting on the floor in front of her while she lounged on the couch. Her feet dangled off the couch over my left shoulder. After our little fucked up discussion yesterday, I tried to keep it cool with her. But sometimes a nigga is just a nigga. So I pops some toes in my mouth. She gets very quiet. Very quiet. I'm still sucking toes. "You a freak", she says smiling seductively. I pull the toes out of my mouth, "Why would you say that?". "You know you makin' me wet." I smile, "Heaven forbid you let me eat your coochie." I hate that euphemism, but most women hate the word "pussy" to come out of a man's mouth. She ignores the comment. "I'm going to go take a shower."

I sit on the couch and wait. Most women reading this know the deal, but I am absolutely clueless as to what she's thinking or what's going to happen next. She gets out of the shower with a nightgown and a satin robe and returns to the couch. "Would you rub my back?" "I think I can do that", I manage to say while grinning like an idiot. As I'm rubbing her back through her nightgown and robe, it rides up revealing panty-less cakes. After a while I stop. "I'm getting sleepy. I think I'll go home". "Are you asking me to stay?" she says. "Do you want me to stay?" "Are you trying to spend the night here?" she says. "Stop playing. Why can't you just admit you'd like me to stay?" "Why don't you just ask to stay?" She's holding my hand now. "Alright, I'll stay." I say making sure it's a statement and not me asking permission.

We go to her bedroom, she takes off her robe, I get undressed and get in the bed. She asks "Are you tired?" I say "No", clearly contradicting my very reason for spending the night. "Could you finish my back rub?" I start rubbing her back again, this time lifting up her nightgown so that I can feel her naked back. I rub steadily, getting sleepier by the second. I look down at her ass, naked in all it's glory and then I get focused. I began to kiss her back, then lick it, starting at the top and going down. I pay special attention to the small of her back, then I begin to kiss the cheeks. "Batshit" is very still and breathing heavily. I go down to the back of her thigh, softly kissing it. And then...the tongue, right on the clit. She moans softly and opens her legs. Voila!

So I eats it, right? Tears it up. She wants to fuck. "You got any condoms?" "Yeah, in my truck. Let me go get 'em." "Naw, don't go get 'em. We don't need to be doing this anyway. I'm trying to live right by the Lord." And that my friend is the anatomy of a 68. She got hers and I was left with a mighty hard hard-on.

She called me this morning and told me that she didn't think we should get in that situation anymore, that she wanted to save herself for the husband the Lord was going to bring her. I hope that nigga at least gets a hand job 'cause I didn't get shit, but a mouthful of pubes! It sure was convenient to remember her religious leanings after she got her clit sucked on. I will never eat another pussy again without a sworn oath of reciprocity from said recipient. You can bank on that.

9 comments:

Melle Mel said...

All that and no ass! Damn Zed, I feel for you!

Chubby Chocolate said...

HA!
I see you fell for the "Recycled" Virgin Okey-Doke.

You were both the victim and thee prey (get it because you feasted?!)

LLLOOOLLL!!!! :-) Sorry Zed, I couldn't resist...

Knockout Zed said...

That is soooooooo cold! Ya'll women have a good scam going. A brotha goes down believing even if he doesn't get head, he'll get the ass. Then "BOOM" y'all get yours and turn it off. Cold I tell ya.

Disco said...

I got two words for you: ooh wee. I'm soooo sorry Zeddy....that is a TERRIBLE FATE...DA BLUE BALLS. Seeing as though our girl did this to you in a um....previous life.... I'da thought you'da SEEN that shit comin (no pun intended) *SMDH*

Anonymous said...

Damn, damn, DAMN! I shoulda known you didn't hit it when you said "little movement" but I still hoped for the best! LOL

She's obviously full of shit, so I think you'll hit that eventually.

"Let us Pray" LOL - KIDDING!

twin said...

Dog as a fellow Spar...Dog, didn't you learn you always but some condoms in your pocket just in case so that they don't change there mind. live and learn.

toneec42 said...

Oh! She did you wrong, Zed! She did you wrong... And I am personally offended she used the Lord as her excuse for no reciprocity - that ain't right! That makes it tough on the rest of us women.

My-Conscience said...

All I have to say is and I want you to remember this:

"Just Because YOu Suck the Clit, Doesn't mean we want the Dick"-Mecrazyme....

Sorry Mr. Blue, but Batshit hit a homerun on you.....ROFLMAO!!!

She Her Me said...

"didn't get sh*t but a mouthful of pubes.."

HAHAHAHA...

Hilarious. Tragic, but hilarious.