Saturday, September 24, 2005

Marvin K. Mooney

Hey folks, what's really good? It is a marvelous Saturday afternoon after my torturous night last night. Maaaan, let me tell you it was a chore.

I had this broad come check me out from home. You might remember her from one of my earlier posts, "Eggy". I didn't invite her, she has family that lives near my place in the boondocks and she asked if she could see me while she was this way. So I said sure, seeing that Batshit is out of the country and my procrastinating ass hasn't touched base with Jayne Kennedy yet. What the fuck could it hurt her to visit.

This broad comes over with a case of "grab dick" and shit. I didn't even want to fuck her, I was just letting her come through to visit. Eggy's grabbing dick and kissing on me and shit. I'm trying to hold her ass off. I was talking to my girl about this: I don't know how a nigga can successfully turn down ass and not look like a homo. Women can always pull their period out their ass. They can even just say they aren't in the mood. Not a nigga. Your dick will be in the streets so fast. Your ass will be lambasted!

So, I fucks her, right? A couple of times. And now it's around midnight. I didn't invite her over and now I'm stuck. I put all my clothes back on and sat watching tv, I'm trying to send signals to her. She puts on her clothes. I'm thinking "Great, this broad will go back to her mother's house." She sits with me trying to hold my hand and shit while we are watching tv. I'm trying not to grimace and shit, but I'm just like "Bitch, leave!" Eggy says "I'm hungry". I remained seated. "Go look in the kitchen and eat whatever you want to." Trying to be as inhospitable as possible. She microwaves this bean and cheese burrito. I'm like "I know this eggheaded broad is not going to eat these beans and believe she's gonna sleep next to me." She eats it and starts getting drowsy. "I'm just going to go to sleep" and she walks up my stairs. What the fuck?!?

A broad invites herself over, takes some dick and I owe her room and fucking board? Is that the way that shit works? If I had asked her to come visit me from Detroit, shit, the sky's the muthafuckin' limit. But I think she went overboard.

This morning she was up before me downstairs singing and shit. Loud. It's Saturday bitch! I get to sleep in! Shut the fuck up. So she's coming back and forth in and out of my room, going in the master bathroom and shit when I got two other fully stocked bathrooms, waking me the fuck up. I finally get up, put on some jogging pants and get on the computer in my office. She's getting dressed, lingering and shit. She walks into my office and is looking at me smiling, scrunching up her nose. Never in my life have I hated a human being as much as I did at that very moment. Eggy, make like Marvin K. Mooney!

Anyway she hesitated, asking me what I had planned for today. I can't use anybody as an excuse. Everyone who knows me knows these things, (1) I don't know anybody here; (2) I hate most people in general, so I wouldn't be making any plans with them if I did know anyone. I said "I gotta big budget meeting on Monday that I have to get ready for, and I gotta watch the Spartans play." She looked disappointed. "Alright, well I guess I'll head out to Barnes and Noble. I'll talk to you later." Yeah, chick, go impose on those two muthafuckas.

She left and I'm happy. She's sadly mistaken if she thinks she'll ever be able to reach me on the telephone, via email, messenger pigeon, semaphore flags, anything ever again. Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split yo' eggheaded ass!

Assholius Maximus,
KZ

8 comments:

Chubby Chocolate said...

YOU ARE HILARIOUS!
I can't stop laughing...Marvin K. Mooney!
LMAO!!!! HAA!!!! I so needed that laugh today.
THANK YOU!

brooklyn babe said...

You aint an asshole, you just play one in everyday life....lol.
C'mon stop already, will ya.

You defeating that whole urban revolutionary quote of "Do You."
if you don't others that you reaallly don't wanna do, come, how U sound? Lol.

But if you had a good time, in the process, then hey, time well spent.

Melle Mel said...

Zed, you continue to slay me! I am sure there are brothas out there dying to have the type of "problems" you have.

Disco said...

I have one word.

hil.ar.i.ous !!

You know Zed, I am convinced that we (of the wayward Monkee clan) live off of endorphins and challenges. You see, Eggy is no longer a challenge and has lonnnnng lost her endorphin -enducing power. Hence, she is jetsam.

Don't be swayed by the pussy..... it will ALLLLLWAYS be that way (i think you learned that this time grasshopper)

And thanks for the flag lesson....I had NOOOOO IDEA what the name of them dang flags were!! WOO HOO I learnt something tuh'day!!!

Anonymous said...

Damn Zed! At least was the sex good? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

toneec42 said...

Zed you know if you didn't make me laugh so hard I would quit you. You ain't got no sense! Marvin K. Mooney - you pulled that ish out yo a$$. Playa you can say "no." But when you don't it's definately funnier.

Miz JJ said...

Man, dudes are harsh. Why didn't you just tell her to bounce? You're never going to talk to her again so who cares if she thinks you're a fag?

She Her Me said...

hahahaha. Marvin K. Mooney!! I'm dying!! Tooooo funny.

I'm actually with you on that one. I actually can say that I have very good intuition and have an uncanny ability to know when it's time to go. Thank goodness. I wouldn't want a brotha thinkin those things about me. :)

Hahaha. Your life is hilariously entertaining.