Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Open Pit

Friday's are the shit in most cases. They are the beginning of the weekend. If you work a straight up 9 to 5, Friday is nirvana. But if you're me, and one of your staff people keeps begging you to come over for dinner so they can kiss your ass on "some Friday", it's pure hell. Especially since they remind you weekly that they'd really love to have you over, and also since it's this guy.

But I had this guy go above and beyond for this project. "Thanks, Dub, I owe you one." Why the fuck didn't I choose my words more carefully? "Well if you'd really like to pay me back, take me and my wife up on the dinner invitation."

I'm thinking, if this cat had a inkling of who I am, he'd leave me the fuck alone. I like people who allow me to be anti-social. But I'm not trying to hurt his filthy feelings. I accepted and went over to their crib for dinner on Friday.

What do I have in common with a 60 year old white couple and their 30 something son? Nothing. It was painfully clear. They were grilling this eve and the joy juice was plentiful. So I drank away the pain. Everything was a lot more bearable.

Sweet, sweet TAD was trying to help me out by calling me claiming to be stranded by the road and needing help. I fucked that up by not feeling the phone vibrate when she called.

His little round wife asked if I like asparagus. I responded affirmatively, vigorously. Dub C, my staff person, went to take the veggies, covered in olive oil, out to the grill in a dish. He made a pit stop. That's right, to the restroom, before he took them out to the grill. He came out of the bathroom post haste. I heard the toilet flush as he opened the door. No sink faucets were turned.

He made his way out to the grill, placed the dish by his side and began to manipulate the olive oiled veggies to make sure the were properly lubricated. With his hands. His bare hands.

I watched as he put the asparagus on the grill, once again with his bare hands, in horror. All I could do was pray.

Fuck these dubs, and fuck hospitality. People are fucking disgusting, and I'll be damned if I accept another invitation to a horror show. Satan's Anus earned it's name that night, with the inane conversation and the hours filled with "how did you get to upper management from the ghetto" type insinuation about my background.

I don't wanna talk to you about my life, I don't wanna hear about yours, and stop trying to feed me pissy asparagus!

That's all I got.



1969 said...

Not the pissy asparagus. Damn Zed. Did you eat it? LOL

Yeah...I stay away from those house functions. I see enough of their azzes at work.

Anonymous said...

Damn. Just Damn.

I like people who allow me to be anti-social too. Everyone else ... just can't be trusted.

onefromphilly said...

You were supposed to eat before you went!!!! And then when you got there feign a stomach ailment that only allowed you to drink the night away!!! And NO ICE!

Once people have been flagged (that's what we do when we find out someone is a non-washer, we flag the person) never ever eat their food. There are a few more rules so call me if you ever need these lessons in the future.

She Her Me said...

That's pretty nasty, Zed. Did you eat it?? After you told them how much you LOVED asparagus, it'd be kinda funny if you didn't eat it!
Man, that's why I don't eat just from everybody. You don't know where their hands have been, and if they've been cleansed in the process. Hell naw! I'm straight... :)
Great post!

Knockout Zed said...

What type of ass thinks it's a reward to host the boss for dinner? He's absolutely the last person I'd promote.

I don't even wanna talk about the asparagus. I'm getting sick.

Exactly. If you wanna bring me into your circle, there has to be a hidden agenda.

I drank brew from a bottle. I wasn't very hungry but I wanted to not completely blow them off. I just wanted to never go again and be done with it. I'm done with it!!!

Let me tell you the funny thing about the incident: I fucking did eat asparagus. After praying extra hard and hoping the grill burned the disgusting residue off, I ate some. Just some. Ugh! I'm sick just thinking about it.


Mr.Slish said...

Ummmm Bruh.Why were you watching Ole boy when he went to the bathroom..lol..

Ignornace is bliss

Knockout Zed said...

Because of my previous experience. I wanted to see if he washed his fuckin' hands in his own house!!!

Ignorance is bliss!


Miz JJ said...

I can not believe that dude did not wash his hands. AGAIN. Ew. That is so fucking nasty. What is wrong with people? You were just touching your penis. Wash your hands. Damn.

I would have faked a migraine and gone home. As soon as he came out of that bathroom I would have been clutching my head. With one hand reaching for my keys.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

see that proves once again that you are a nicer person than i am because i like to use my right of refusal in those cases...specifically in those case!

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

see that's why I never sit near the kitchen at a restuarant...I just don't wanna know!!!

mrs.tj said...

I think I threw up a little in my mouth. I would have been HERE LET ME TAKE THAT FOR YOU! LOL! and dropped it all! You ATE the asparagus. You are a good man. LOL! You probably made those folks day. Sometimes you have to overlook your comfort and pray your immune system is up to make someones day. LOL! Holla!

Beana said...

would it have affected ur job or relationship if u had not gone? Cause I too am anti social and uh...i wouldnt have went. Uncomfy convo wit keeblers in their own smelly house with nasty habits...ewww. The rest of the food at that point woulda been suspect cause i bet nobody in the house washes their hands! ewww.

How u aint feel ya phone vibrate? Idda had it out on the table waiting for it to light up :-)

DivineLavender said...

Zed are you smarter then this. Tell TAD to hit the redial button-often!

They HEART ZeddieBoy, now!

twin said...

you don't like tang with your food

aquababie said...

i wouldn't have eaten that shit! man....

Anonymous said...

...have you ever been over a friends house to eat/ and the food just aint no good?!?!?


Lola Gets said...

Yo, I know Im really late, but that shit was nasty! Im at work, and the shock from reading this story made me answer the phone incorrectly! LMAOOOO