Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Turkey, et al

My sister is a sellout. I just wanted to get that out of the way before I begin this tale of Thanksgiving, a week late I know, but still...

My sister, Denise, told me she wasn't coming to Tampa last week. Denise, the sellout that she is, blamed it on her husband, which all married people do. I call "bullshit". She didn't want the hassle of driving from AL to FL during the holidays. But every fucking year I'm at an airport flying during the holiday season under the worst travel conditions imaginable. Do you know Spirit Airlines not only charges for checked baggage, but for WATER? A cup, not a bottle, of water costs $2. You don't get food, drink, or semi-hospitable flight attendants on these planes. It does nothing to temper my fear of flying.

Anyway, me and young TAD hit the scene on Wednesday morning. We were greeted by my parents at baggage claim and warm weather, both of which were welcome sights.

Later that night we saw of bunch of my paternal aunts and one of my uncles, with only my aunts being the welcome sight. My uncle Peter is a jackass and a drunkard. He never shuts up and he harassed me and TAD to the point where we were clearly irritated. While my father was telling stories about the bad old days, with me and TAD straining to hear him, my uncle was in our faces talking about nothing interesting and clogging up the good time. Fuckin' Peter.

The Thanksgiving meal was really the cornerstone of my visit. My parents are the biggest non-traditionalists I know when it comes to this. There is no big Thanksgiving "thing" at the table. It's like a buffet. You wanna eat? Go get some food, it's ready. I tried to warn TAD about this before we came. If she was off-put by it, she played it off well, because we ate up some shit.

I swear, the more distance I get from my mother's cooking, the more I appreciate it when I eat it. I've underrated her as a cook for a long time. I'll be damned if I don't miss everything she cooks. But she pulled some bullshit by NOT MAKING SWEET POTATO PIE. That, my friends, is the direct result of my sister not showing to help her. TAD offered to help, but I don't think it was the same as having an indentured servant who you can boss around without impunity (i.e. Denise) to help you cook. Once again, thanks Denise. Anyway to keep my mind off the awful Lions, and to avoid more goofy family, me and TAD dipped out to the IMAX theater to see "Beowulf" and Angelina Jolie's animated titties.

On Friday, my mother spared us by not getting up at 4 am to shop. I believe that was the only thing that my sister not showing up made better. She and TAD ended going to the movies to see "This Christmas". Thanks for catching that bullet for me, Mom. Your check is in the mail. When they came back, me and TAD tried to complete our modest "to do" list for this visit. Go to the beach, go to the Florida Aquarium, and get me some of these.


My love for Devil Crab is unsurpassed. Unfortunately for TAD, this is the only part of our plan that worked out. On Friday, the temperature was 75. On Clearwater Beach, the temperature had to 15 degrees colder. Still, there they were...ahem..."northerners" swimming, wearing bathing suits, and putting their kids in the water. I tried to maintain without a sweatshirt or a skully, but it was not to be. We jetted and went to the aquarium. We arrived at 4:57. It closed at 5:00. So we pretty much jacked up Friday. We didn't have an opportunity to see any of my maternal relatives because they were all out of town, so Friday evening was the requisite wind-down repack while my parents were out at the casino with some of my aunts. The perfect opportunity to play "The Counting Game". If you have to ask, you ain't old enough to play.

And that's how my shit went.

Be Cool,
KZ

19 comments:

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

okay alls i really wanna know is do your parents let you and TAD sleep in the same bedroom?

Knockout Zed said...

@AJ
Short answer? No. But that's TAD doing and not my mother's, who has alas conceded that at 36, I am in fact an adult. LOL

KZ

Miz JJ said...

Aunt Jackie asked my question. Lol @ the 'northerners' going in that cold ass water. You know they think its warm.

Knockout Zed said...

@MizJJ
To me that's just nuts. Putting their kids in that water should be regarded as child abuse.

KZ

BZ said...

I'm so jealous you got to go. I stuck around this year, trying to work on a responsible budget n sh*t. Mom dukes is coming up here this year. So, I'll be glad to see her. I just hope she don't think I'm letting her man stink up my bed with his nasty feet! He gets the air mattress. Mom can sleep with me. LOL

Glad you got to see the fam and that TAD went with you. I have a Peter and a Denise in my family, too. UGH!

Little Brown Girl said...

LOL @ Aunt Jackie...good question though. Sounds like a good low key holiday...those are the best ones. TAD seems to fit right in with the Zeddie clan...good shyt! Do I see an aisle in your future...me thinks so Homie!!!

proacTiff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
proacTiff said...

I'm glad you let our secret out the gate. We do buffet fare too. And we don't even dress the fuck up either. Food is done the night before so if you wanna roll up over in the AM you can start getting your eat on early. You could have come up the skreet on Friday and it wouldn't have been a bust, cause my mother in law made 15 sweet potatoe pies. And I don't eat/like them. My husband took 2 home with us that night.

I'm supposed to accompany the mister to a conference in St. Pete Monday and Tuesday. Thought about taking the kids to Clearwater beach. But I don't do cold and water. Ask my nail tech.

aquababie said...

people actually dress up for thanksgiving? we don't set the table. the food is set out. we eat until we fall out!

1969 said...

No sweet potato pie?

I can write no further.

Blah Blah Blah said...

...wanna here some madness...
I'm looking at the layout... trying to predetermine what I'mma eat...'cause you know my picky ass doesn't just anything...muchless...I really sorta hate for my food to touch...but that's something all together diff than what I am tryna tell you...
I see this red mushy shit on the table...like...da hell?
Auntie...wus this red shit?

Baby, that's tomato pudding.

*twisted lips and the ewwww look*
I didn't say nothing but I sho nuff didn't put that shit on my plate.
Sorry auntie.

Oh and ...sorry for blogging in your comment section.

...how many bloggers invited to the wedding again? Just askin'...

ChezNiki said...

@Blah - Tomato Pudding !?!?!? I woulda tasted it out of sheer curiosity. But I always get in trouble putting curious things in my mouth
:-P

@Zed - TAD didnt want to disrespect your mom's house... by causing her son to make those loud rebel animal noises in the night and scurr the kids and wake the neighbors...
:-o

I know about that missing food, though! Went to my gurl TeeWIs for Turkey Day. Now she can BURN, but she didnt know how to make stuffing [?!?!!] Cant have turkey without stuffing, so I rolled up the sleeves on my cute blouse and made two batches when I got to her house. Somethings you just cant do without on the Holidays ((shaking head))

Sounds like a good time! You didnt tell us the part about your trip to Belden's
;-P

Mr.Slish said...

Heeey This christmas was good movie... When Regina taylor whooped ole boy's ass with that belt Classic...lol

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

lol at nikki and the animal noises!
TAD still with you right? so it wasn't that bad!!!! WHEW!
we definitely dress up for thanksgiving..and its normally 30-35 folks at my grandmamamamamas and we have to put up her tree afterwards and take a picture with all our the fat bellies hanging out. and my mother is normally the alchy but she was a no show...but her sweet potato pie is BANGIN so its all worth it...
we also did the movie it was good Regina's body was BANGING...
and one mo thing..I'm older than you and I don't know the "counting game" ...hip a sistah!

Knockout Zed said...

@GG
Pick a number, a high one. Count backwards to one. See how many times you can make each other cum before you reach one. It's a contest with no losers.

The counting game.

KZ

Nina MM said...

You wanna eat? Go get some food, it's ready.

Was you at my house? Cuz I said some shit like that.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

more blog please zed

The Second Sixty-Eight said...

You mean there are people who really eat at a table like on TV and in the movies? No buffet, No way!

Thanks for the heads up on the Counting Game. The only problem I see is that at some point one or both of us will forget the damn count!

DivineLavender said...

I am glad that you and TAD are still together. Gotta love it!