'Nilla

Black and Decker. Geniuses. If I could only get the nerve up to start the drill and raise it to my skull and let nature take it's course, allowing the precious brain fluid spill out onto my shoulder.

It's 9:58. I've been here two minutes less than two hours. It's incredible. I'm so fucking bored. I can't leave. I'm tethered to my desk. The union has filed grievance after grievance about us asking employees not to threaten their supervisors, so HR, as clueless as they are, is calling every six seconds to ask stupid questions. "Now what exactly did Morris tell Tony to suck?"

This is how muthafuckas get fat. All I wanna do is eat and I'm not even hungry. I just want something to do.

My assistant called in sick today. He shoulda just called in "interview", cuz I know that's what he's doing. Shit, if I was him, I would be too. He's a beggin' ass partial skill having whiny bitch. I wish him nothing but the worst.

I can't wait until I'm married. Getting waited on hand and foot, sex anytime I want it, getting cooked the finest gourmet meals, having my feet scrubbed on demand. Marriage is grand.

The best thing in my life right now is coffee, as sad as that shit is. This Su.matra shit is the cat's meow. I'm almost out of it, but I'm savoring the last vestiges of it.

Allison, put the fucking blog back up.

There was this dude on A.merican Id.ol last night with a charm on his necklace and his father wore the matching piece of the interlocking charm. Apparently, he's going to give the woman he marries the piece that his father currently wears. He also has never kissed a girl and is waiting until he's married. His father fucks him in the ass nightly, I'm sure of it. The authorities have been alerted, sir!

It's still fucking snowing. Unbelievable.

Stay Warm,
KZ

Pasta Is Tasty

Whatever happened to the MC?/Times done changed for the MC/Every woman and man wanna MC/You know what? MCin' ain't for you. -De La Soul, SupaEmcees

I'm here to talk about random shit. Because I can. Because it's my blog and I'm bored. Because it won't stop snowing. Because I'm about to turn 37. Because Christmas is coming. Because the dude from Worth & Worth (hatshop.com) is not returning my calls. Because that city in Maryland is gonna make me interview in the middle of holiday season. Because every store I go to, people are trying to sell me shit they think I should have, instead of selling me the shit I'm looking for. Because I need a drink and some pussy.

What a slangy language we got goin' on here. If I tell you it's 2 o'clock, you never think about it, but that shit is slang. What I'm telling you is it's two of the clock or it's two according to the clock. We say 2 o'clock like it's proper English and shit. What's up with that? (Cliff Claven reference) Same thing with the word "panties". Panties is slang for little pants. The proper term? Underwear or underpants. The word panties is soft and gay. Thong panties excepted.

My staff is great. Couldn't be better. Thanks for asking.

Tomorrow I have to present the city budget to a bunch of citizen volunteers who feign oversight and vigilance over our finances. They don't understand 1/4 of the shit they see, so it's my job to give them a financial primer on how municipal budgets work. The problem? I don't know shit about finance. That's not my area, at all! How did I get finagled into doing this? It's STATE LAW that the person in my position, A NON FINANCIAL POSITION, present this budget. State law is an ass.

I'm still waiting for Flat Randy, N.A.

Fucking snow.

I'm Out,
KZ

If I Have To Suffer...

so the fuck do you. It's 4:00 on Friday afternoon before a holiday and I'm in charge. The boss dipped on my ass and now instead of sneaking out, I have to leave at 5:00. So now I'm making lists! Now, muthafuckas...

If It Wasn't For Her Pussy, She Wouldn't Even Be A Woman

1. Keira Knightley
2. Joan Rivers
3. Liza Minelli
4. Jodie Foster
5. Ben Wallace

Saying This Might Get You Punched In The Mouth

1. Vis a Vis
2. cakewalk
3. What's the magic word?
4. heretofore
5. boondoggle/humdinger (tie)

Words To Describe Cake or Potential Names For Cutting Edge Clothing Lines

1. Moist
2. Creamy
3. Exquisite
4. Heavenly
5. Obscenely Decadent

Jack Palance's Favorite Grandchildren

1. Molly
   
2. Franklin
3. Menachem
4. Elohim
5. Eleanor/Jack III (tie)

Rachel Ray's Favorite Things To Say While Climaxing

1. Delish!
2. E-V-oh oh oh my God!
3. (insert audio of uncomfortable, irritating, inappropriate laughter)
4. Baste it! Baste it, you motherfucker!
5. Cum-o!

Yeah, I'm bored. I'll talk to y'all later.

Peace,
KZ