Thursday, April 06, 2006

Bussin' Nuts

So, I'm at this conference, right? And we're on a break, so I go get some coffee in the lobby of the host hotel. White people are looking at me strange as they are prone to do when I come around, but even more so now. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the bow-tie. They always assume a Black man with a bow-tie is Malcolm Farrakhan. A bow-tie automatically labels a person as one of three things: NOI member (Black men only), the smartest guy in the room, or the biggest asshole in the room. Anyway I'm standing in line for coffee and who walks by? Any guesses? Anyone?

"Zed!" I know that inappropriately loud voice. I fucking hate when people yell my name. As a private person, it pisses me off. There are only like four Black women in the city that know me. I turn around slowly. I smile, dryly, showing no teeth. "Hi." "Oooh, you been dodgin' me!" "Nah, E.T., it ain't like that. I've been busy."

Coming face to face with her, I didn't have the heart to just trash her. "You don't even return my calls. Did I do something to you?" She knows what led to me not returning her calls. I say nothing. She continues, "I ran into Batshit and we were talking about you." Delusional. You just "ran into" Batshit, hunh? O.K.

"Really? Well, I've been busy as hell. Fuckin' alot. The whole nine." I say this shit deadpan. She's flustered. "Dang, you just outcold like that?" I stand firm. "I'm just telling you. I've been working hard and playing hard. I haven't been calling anybody." I stay nonchalant, trying to get her to hate my ass.

She goes on this rambling dialogue about the business she's working one and how well it's going. You see, this is why E.T. wants to call me and be around me. She doesn't like me at all. I'm cursed with being perceived as a good listener. I don't talk alot, so women get their jollies by talking to me and not getting interrupted. They do the female equivalent of a booty call. They talk to your ass, get out all the silly shit that's bottled up in their head out to a "sympathetic" male ear, then they leave you high and dry. Basically, bussin' a nut on ya back and jettin'.

So I stand there looking disinterested, checking my watch, and scoping broads walking by. I'm disinvested and it's killing her. "Look, I gotta get back to this session." I start walking away. "We gotta go out for a drink soon!" is what this loony bitch yells across the lobby to me. I go down the escalator and I smile at her, dryly.



Honest said...

Ha! You are sooo right about the bowtie thing. I don't know why but I've always given the bow tie wearing dude a raised eyebrow. Weird I know.

Mr.Slish said...

They never learn Zed. The colder and ruder you are the more they want to converse . Not realizing if they spoke less and observed more they would probably figure out the solution to their problems.

Anonymous said...

That's the problem SLISH!!! and Zed.....

Say it! Don't imply it!

Obviously NEITHER one of you read # 3 on my list Tuesday....AFRICANS!!!

Why the hell is suppose to fucken read your mind OR your actions (regardless HOW OBVIOUS they may seem)....

Tell that chick your done Zed! Then tell her to leave you the fuck alone before you call the looney bin she ecscaped from!

Anonymous said...

why did you even stay that long to chat? Just be up front or say hi and keep it movin'. Now she is going to be looking forward to that drink or whatever. If you let her know what's up then I'm sure she will back off. She can't read your mind.

Little Brown Girl said...

Telling her you can't stand her would be too much like right and we know that Men aren't built that way. Plus you sick fukkers like the torture I think....a dingy broad chattering away while you try to ignore her. Yeah I think you guys just love getting the shyt annoyed outta you.

The bow-tie thing is funny. I always find men in bow-tie's ridiculously attractive probably because I think of the Nation of Islam too and most of them security dudes (FOI) are capital FINE!! Dayum muslims going be the death of me LOL!!

nikki said...

the bowtie thing is correct.

have you just told the sista straight up you don't want her ass? i mean, please tell me she's got a reason to appear to be so clueless.

sj-the-infamous said...

Um, did you get your coffee, Blackman? I dunno, I think your method is prolly the best way to get rid of her -- to check her in another way may just rile her psychotic tendencies and then you'll just have a fatal attraction on ya hands. Not cool, playa....

chele said...

"You never SAID you didn't want to be bothered. I just thought ..."

That's what that heffa is thinking. Just tell her, man.

Knockout Zed said...

Do you know how hard it is for a crackhead to say no to crack? That's similar to the dilemna I'm in. I'm just trying to ignore it and fight off the temptation to fuck her until sun up. With that being said...

Yes, I'm that goofy cat with the bowtie. Embrace me.

I guess some people don't acknowledge the ol' "blow off". She's pretty fucking dense though. I'm just going to have to tell her.

You. Be. Quiet.

She gets Nathan J. Bookman (b.k.a. "nothing"). I was stuck in a line waiting to get served. I was a captive audience, that's how she got me. Noni, if you called a cat 3 times a week for 4 months and he never called you back, what would you do? I know the answer because I believe you're sane.

OK, I was reading what you said, but then I kept looking at the new pic. C'mere girl and let me lick your face!

I got the coffee, finally. You would think any person with half a brain would get the hint. But noooo, she's a fuckin' super subgenius.

I was ready to do that once upon a time, when I was at the height of my anger. Now, I'm not even mad at her. She's just sort of pathetic.


Phoenix said...

Straight to the point - many women can't handle that. So they just plain ole ignore that they've just been dissed.

Oh by the way Slish - it sounds like you were describing yourself. lol

Little Brown Girl said...

You lick faces too....where do I sign up?

Anonymous said...

SUBgenius. HAHAHAHAHA! Too funny. May I appropriate that?