Friday, April 07, 2006

Erick Sermon

Hey peoples, I'm back in the office after one of the worst conferences I've ever attended. Imagine out of towners coming up to you constantly in your hometown, asking you where all the hotspots are. Now, imagine if you were black! (A little John Grisham humor there.)

This lady at the conference, was around 45, 46. Pretty and built like a brick shithouse. At the end of the conference she gives me her card and I give her mine. We exchange pleasantries and she walks away. I look at the card and her home number is written above her work number with the note: "I'd like to get to know you better." I'm becoming an older woman magnet. Where is that shit coming from?

Anyway, the only thing that sucks about being back is being here with my boss, Allen Qaeda, Al for short. You see I'm come to a conclusion about Al and his passive aggressiveness. He's jealous of my personal liberty and an enemy to my great way of life.

This muthafucka signs off on my vacation (which starts today at 4:59 pm) a month and a half ago and has been talking about it ever since. I told him where I was going. I didn't want to because I'M A PRIVATE PERSON, but I did anyway in the spirit of glasnost. This is the way conversations have proceeded since:

AQ: So, where are you going on your vacation?
KZ: Florida, to visit my parents.
AQ: That ought to be fun. What are you doing when you get there?
KZ: Nothing much. Family stuff.
AQ: It must be nice to take off like that.
KZ: (silence)
AQ: It must really be nice.

This is followed by discussion of trips he's taken in the past with his homely, mammy-made gear havin' sweetie and his two point five tax exemptions. Then he gives me a big, fat assed time consuming assignment that, for all intents and purposes, is busy work. Mind you, this happens every other day. Al Qaeda hates my freedom!

Now, I'm a old school cat. I don't get caught up in all these new fangled, high falutin' ideas about being "playa hated" or just plain "hated". I believe in the good, old fashioned, Klan endorsed concept of envy, the green eyed monster.

You, too, can have a failed marriage, bad credit, an over active sex drive, stress headaches, a ridiculous car payment, intimacy issues, a hair trigger temper and a phobia about reproducing because you don't want to pass on your flaws to an innocent. No, please, envy me. Step into my shoes, they are COMFORTABLE AS FUCK!!!

I'm off to enjoy my time off. I'll be gone until April 18th and I won't touch a fuckin' computer, believe me. I'll talk to you guys when I return.



Anonymous said...

Hilarious post Zed. Sounds like you work with some shold write about them more often:)

BTW, I think passive aggressives ESPECIALLY AT WORK should be fired without pay. They should give everyone a psych screening and refuse to extend offers to every muthafarger who proves to be spineless, yet bothered.

Just my two cents...

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

All things Munkee. I'm loving this!

Yup, AQ needs to just leave you the hell alone and color outside the lines once in awhile.

I hear shyt like that all the time... "Must be niiiiiice". I just bust out my work the moment I walk in the door, so I can piss off the rest of my day if I so desire. It took a minute to get that down to a science, so I wouldn't sound like some bitter ass workaholic.

Have fun in Florida.

BTW, us be homies. I'm a "Flint"stone

Robert L. Mack said...

KZ, I'm expecting a story or two when you get back, because its some BEAUTIES down in FL..

Eff AQ!

Have a safe trip.

Little Brown Girl said...

What am I supposed to do for a whole week??

I find myself looking for a new story from you every 30 minutes. Call me pookie, the KZ crackhead. I know the vacation will provide lots of material...can't wait for your return LOL!

chele said...

Enjoy your vacation. AQ is going to be right in your office when you get back wanting all the details.

Oh, and don't sleep on the older women :P

Mr.Slish said...

Have a great vacation African. Hopefully when you get back you'll be able to step into some new shoes.

lyre said...

I know the quote: matthew mconahay said it in "a Time to Kill" i , the librarian , havent read the book but I loved the movie.
Oh and this 49 year old woman loves you like a rock. :-))

enjoy your vacation!

Prophetess said...

Hello, Brother. Too late for me to be writing since you're already gone on vacate, but I just wanted to say that the love was real that you sent my way recently, and I FELT it! Here in my heart.

As for the deadbeat boss, I wouldn't have told him anymore details concerning my personal vacation plans, because then, at the last minute, he could've thought up some lame shit that "needs" to be worked on right away, therefore delaying or even cancelling your plans. Mofos is EVIL like that...

As for ET: it's a fucking shame that you can't have your numbers and vitals changed so that hoe can't contact you ever again. A pitfall of being an IMPORTANT man in the City. Bitches these days are crazy as fuck, and the next one of these type hoes come off the assembly line, they should fucking break the mold after that to put an end to that shit right NOW!

Zed, baby, if I was you, I'd go ahead and toss the .38 and a couple of rounds up in the truck, just so you can go ahead and feel just a scoshe safer out in the streets... You never know where that gal might pop out from - nor in what kind of "mood" she could possibly be in.

Oh yeah, for a man, age 35 is the best age for him. He's young, VIRILE, moderately mature, and knows a little "sumpin-sumpin" in the bedroom, you know? Hell, I like mine young. And when I find him, I'ma snap that whippersnapper up so quick.... LOL !!!

Enjoy your vacation and TAKE the laptop along, okay?

Anonymous said...

AWW man, you leaving us, what will I do for 11 days and nights?

Have FUN!

Honest said...

Oh my god you're hilarious! Have a great vacation and I can't wait to read all about your adventures.

Superstar Nic said...


I see that you will be in my neck of the woods for your vacation. Be prepared cause its hot as fuck down here!

I hope you have a wonderful vacation.

Take care!

Sangindiva said...

Have a great vacation-
I'm gonna miss your crazy ass :)

Supa said...

Enjoy your vacay, Zeddie!

CONDOMS, dude. Lots o' condoms....

Disco said...

"mammie-made".....good LAWD, I ain't heard THAT shit in a lonnnnnnnnng time dawg!LOL

Love's the post Munkee....c ya when ya get back

Didi Roby said...

Still funny as heck I see:) Been long but I'm reading now...

Superstar Nic said...

I hope that you are enjoying your vacation!