Thursday, April 20, 2006

Selfish a.k.a. The Pineapple Juice Chronicles

"Yeah maybe I'm selfish/I want you to myself I can't help it" -Slum Village, "Selfish"

There is one character flaw that if I could eliminate, it would make me a happy man. I want it all. I want a wife. And a concubine. And a girlfriend. And a platonic female friend that introduces me to all her hot friends.

I can't leave exes alone. Except for my marriage, every breakup I've had has been on amiable terms. I can go ask any of my ex-girlfriends for anything. Almost anything. And I can have sex with most of them.

I have this way about me that makes women very comfortable. I give a lot of time and attention to them and it makes them want to be around me. Sometimes it's a good thing, other times...
The good thing is it doesn't take a woman that long to want to be sexual with me. The bad thing is they believe that it's just them, not matter how many times I tell them otherwise.

They all think it's just them and they can sense the presence of another.

So this weekend, I'm getting a visit from a Big Apple Stunna. And it's like they all know.

Phone Call #1
Thelma: What you doin' this weekend?
KZ: Nuttin'. Chillin'.
Thelma: That's not good. Idle hands...
KZ: I'm cool. Just doing what I do.
Thelma: I think you need some company.
KZ: Naw. I'll be busy.
Thelma: You just told me you wasn't.
KZ: Well, you know...frat stuff.

Phone Call #2
Charlize Theron: When can I come and suck on that fat dick?
KZ: Hunh?!?
CT: Now you can't hear? You never had that trouble before.
KZ: Naw, I mean dang, shit, that was just kinda...damn.
CT: Oh get the fuck outta here! You're the bluntest *African* I know. Now you all brand new? So answer my question.
KZ: This weekend is bad. I got all types of frat shit goin' on. (Notice a pattern?)

Phone Call #3
Puddin': Do you miss me?
KZ: No. Why would you ask me that?
Puddin': My girl saw you in Detroit a couple of weeks ago. You was walking through the mall with some girl.
KZ: (laughing) That musta been a hologram.
Puddin': A dark skinned girl with dimples.
KZ: What the fuck she do? Hire a sketch artist?
Puddin': I wanna come up there soon. When can I come?
KZ: I don't know I be busy. Work, frat shit. Lots of shit.

Phone Call #4
Batshit: Weren't you supposed to call me?
KZ: Why was I supposed to call you?
Batshit: I thought you told me you were gonna call me.
KZ: Nope, I don't recall that conversation.
Batshit: What you doin'?
KZ: Nuttin'. Driving around.
Batshit: You stickin' around here this weekend?
KZ: Yeah. I'll be here.
Batshit: Take me to the movies.
KZ: Number 1, we've never been to the movies together. Why would I start now? Number 2, I'm busy this weekend. Frat shit.

Phone Call #5
KZ: You just need to let that *African* know. I don't talk to dudes on the phone if it ain't about business. If that *African* wants to talk to me, we'll do it face to face. The phone is for lovers and bitches.
Carmel: He has no reason to talk to you. He and I don't have a relationship and you and I don't have one either.
KZ: O.K., whatever. That *African* just shouldn't ever call me. He ain't built for the shit he's startin'. Me and you don't have to see each other again.
Carmel: So all that pineapple juice I told you to buy is going to waste, hunh?
KZ: Nope I drink it. It might help some other chick out.
Carmel: Maybe this weekend we can say goodbye to each other. I can taste it to see if the pineapple juice is working.
KZ: Naw, I got frat business to handle this weekend. It probably wouldn't be a good idea anyway.

I gotta work on my selfishness. Constantly.

Stay Focused,


Mr.Slish said...

Lmaof..What ya gonna do now Hammer!!!

Anonymous said...

Zed - Dayum.

Why the ladies so into you, Zed?

Sangindiva said...

Wha is the Pineapple juice about?
Is it supposed to make your cum sweet?
or her juices sweeter?
And on a side note-
are you from Africa? or do you use *African*
in place of Negro/igga?
I mean I'm just trying to get in the loop hahaha!

Robert L. Mack said...

Frat stuff. I'm going to use that one..."But Robert, you're not in a frat".....

LOL @ pineapple juice, and LOL even harder at YOU telling HER "it might help some other chick out"

All I gotta say to you Big Bruh is Proper. (continuing on with the Hammer theme)

Little Brown Girl said...

1st...the pineapple juice does work LOL!!

2nd...I can't keep up with all these dames!!

and sure do get hooked up with some bonker azz broads. What's the deal with Big Apple Stunna? I see you and I are going to be breaking up again soon...that's ok I like making up better anyway :-)

Do your thing Big Zeddie!!!

nikki said...

so your new girl is named 'frat biz'?

chele said...

What cracks me up the most is that all these heffas believe that they are the only one. I could never figure out how to juggle like that.

Please expound on the pineapple juice for those of us who are 'less experienced'. Thank you.

Knockout Zed said...

I got this Slisher! I got it man! Trust me.

First off I'm a big dude. They think I'm cuddly. Second off, I'm an introvert, so they think I'm a good listener and smart. Third thing, I got "Goodcatchitis". I'm single with a pretty good job, no kids. The fourth thing you'll have to find out about on your own :-)

This was supposed to be a blog of it's own. After Carmel gave me head in my office, she told me to start drinking pineapple juice so the cum would be sweeter. She said if I drank it for 3 days straight she'd swallow the next time. I did as she asked. She did as she promised.

I have a love/love relationship with the word nigga. Man do I love it. I say it constantly. My vocab is filled with variations: nigs, niggettes, negritos, niggaragua (the hood), nigga sauce (Frank's), Condi Rice is the Niggatary of State. Detroit is a Niggapolis.

My problem is that is lacks the ability to offend regular black people. My job is to offend. On one of my old blogs I wrote if you walk into a barber shop and say "Hey Niggas!" you'll get a smattering of responses. If you walk in and say "Hey Africans", niggas will flip. "Who you callin' an African?"

Before I was in a frat I'd say, I'm doing volunteer work. Which I did do sometimes, but not every fuckin' weekend.

I was waitin' on ya Z. I'm still waitin' on ya!

She might as well be!

That's the thing, Chele. They can't think they're the only one. I tell them they aren't up front. Then I never mention it again. I don't see to be occupied when they wanna see me, so they get comfortable with that. They know better, they just convieniently forget.


Blah Blah Blah said...

...any real juice will work...don't have them ghetto chicks have you drinking Sunny Delight or some Tang thinking it's gonna do the same thing though!

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

"Frat Shit" That's a classic excuse...I'm going to start using it..."Sorority Shit". Let's see if it works...

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

BTW: Thanks for the compliment :)

Prophetess said...

And I would tell all them bi-ot-ches to get the fuck up out my shit (my bidness)! ESPECIALLY Mt. Carmel, with her baby's daddy on the phone and shit like he got something say but he's really a pantomime... Obviously the nigga is too thin to win, and to light to fight - if it came down to a fight. But that nigga aint crazy. He already know the deal. Boy, we'll snatch that nigga up by the back of his pants and straight boot his ass back across town.

Shiiittt... don't get me started! I hate it when mofos fuck with my peeps. LOL.

Now Thelma on the other hand... You know she's my girl (she's my choice for you), but I keep forgetting Thelma is a tad on the sensitive side and you go for the bad girl types. I bet if it came down to a scrappin', Thelma would whoop the shit outta all them tricks.

Now back to Carmel... Okay, I'ma quit, but I hate that shit, tho'. Niggas (and bitches, in my case) calling other people's phones like they ready to rap and scrap. Bitch, git outta here!!!! Before I fuck you up just through mental powers alone.

Okay, brother. I'm through ranting. On another note: I bet that mofo who lifted your "thick brown gal" from your pocket is trying to dial all the phone numbers you had gotten during your night at the Mayor's party (if I'm recalling correctly).

That's the mofo who need his ass chased down and horribly "abused".

i like liquor and tv said...


You do have a way of making women feel comfortable. I mean, I was fully dressed when I started reading your blog, now I look down and I'm bukkid.

anyway lol@frat stuff. Now I know that any time a guy uses that excuse on me, he's LYIN.

Phoenix said...

I'm crackin up over here. Too funny. I will start using "oh I got sorority shit to do." That is the best.

Chubby Chocolate said...

Oh, how I've missed your blog!!! I am in my office right now picking myself off the flooooorrr!!!!
You are tooo HILARIOUS!!!!

Hostess Orange Cupcakes works too...Hey, I'm a chubby girl, I know these things.

Nika Laqui said...

Pineapple juice huh? *lol*

Okay...that will make it more enjoyable...*lol*

Cupcakes?? I wondered why his nut was so sweet...*lol*

I learned a lot here today...

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

lol.. you are too much, but I completely respect your gangster when it comes to women. i love it: "frat shit"

that's exactly why I never messed with an frat "Africans". lol

and yes, the pineapple juice works. it's even better if you eat very little meat or are a vegetarian

Honest said...

Hilarious as usual.

Man you're old enough to know us women folk. We never listen until we've had enough.

MrsNotYourMomma said...

I'm curious - why didn't your marriage end as amicably as the other relationships?

Little Brown Girl said...

You can tag me anytime, anyplace (and don't you forget it) LOL!!

Anonymous said...

LOL at LQ & TV!!!


Anonymous said...

LOL @ your explanation of your use of the word "African" (in this comment section) - that is some funny shit ("Who you callin' African?").

LOL @ "sketch artist". I'm surprised she didn't say what color panties the chick was wearing (or whether there were any).

But I cannot even believe Charlize Theron. What kind of man-ass, burly-ass chick picks up the phone and says that? I know it took you aback and all (in a good way), and you're were probably like, "OK, ya, we can bone," but that shit doesn't do shit for me but make me date myself by digging into the cartoon archives and saying, "NO CLASS".

Knockout Zed said...

Any real juice will work? Ima try pickle juice and punish some chick.

I'd be like "What type of sorority stuff? Manicures?"

I got a Bad Girl Jones. If a chick is with me and goes to the restroom, I don't wanna be sure she didn't go try to fuck another cat. I wanna always have the question "Is this broad trying to fuck me over?" It's sick, I know. But it exercises the mind.

That cat in Miami is gonna get his. Someway, somehow.

@Liquor and TV
Damn! I was hopin' not to be one of those cats, but I guess I told game. That shit was to be sold. I gotta watch my step.

Since you already nekkid, can I just smell it?

We (men) are so gullible we'll believe that shit. Especially one of those dumb cats who be askin' chicks "Which fraternity you in?"

Orange Cupcakes? Chubs, don't fuck no cat that eat orange cupcakes. That cat's soft! *Hoping she don't remember I listen to Elton John*

I think you could teach a few thangs according to one of your blogs!

You vouchin' for the juice? I'm tellin' yo daddy!

Stop reminding me I'm old! You still huntin' Cossacks in Youfuckistan or wherever in the world you are, Carmen Sandiego?

Oh, Leslie! It's a long, complicated story. This is the short version. She and I were together for 7 years, married for the last 1 and a half. I'm a private person (except anonymously on the friggin' internet). She betrayed my trust and compromised our life together by sharing our personal business to a series of friends and family. It gets deeper. One day I'll tell the whole thing.

*Packing my bags and looking at flight schedules*
DC, hunh?

I got you scared, don't I?


Knockout Zed said...

@Monica C.
Man, you gon' get my ass fired clicking on your link at work!

Charlize Theron was basically doing something I do to her back to me. If I've already had sex with you, I know your "buttons". I always come out, first thing on the phone, no pleasantries exchanged, and say something like "Hey, I need summa that pussy juice running down my chin. Can you help me?"

The reason I acted so SHOCKED when she said it to me was me playing a game. I acted flustered so she'd feel uncomfortable doing it, thusly helping me maintain my strength to turn her down. Kapeesh? Good!


Superstar Nic said...


Zed, what'd you think about my tag post?

Have a GREAT weekend!

ChezNiki said...

Hey 'When it rains it pours' is not just a slogan for Morton Salt. Maybe folk just look/feel more confident when they have definite knookie lined up...the bird in the hand attracting the sixteen in the bush...I have a thousand of these...LOL
Good Luck! Enjoy your weekend, Big Poppa!

lyre said...

Thank you for helping me to realize that my isolation is for the best. I have been one of those "heffas" who thought that they were the one and only.
I love that you reveal so much of how men play. It truly is educational.

brooklyn babe said...

Still blogging bout booty?

Thought you was going to switch it up? Lol.

No wonder I don't hear from you.
Hope you find it, or it finds you.
So you can get back to WRITING!
Still got love for ya...

Holla when U really writin'..
Bk B

toneec42 said...

Pineapple juice, huh? I'mma have ta try that - both ways. You never fail me Zed, you never fail me... I miss reading you.

DurtyMo said...

this shit here is hilarious.. yean got bitches strung out do u? own truss it.. dats my word son!

Anonymous said...

yep, the pineapple juice does work....i heard it somewhere :) pickle juice would be so damn wrong!