Charlize Theron

"Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy." - Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy"
"Insignificance, here I'll place you on the mantle" - Q-Tip, "Verses From The Abstract"

Hey y'all! That little piece of wretchness we call St. Valentine's Day is over. Now it's time to deal with the fall out. Twenty-three. Not Jordan or LeBron, but 23 voicemail messages left on my celly yesterday. Some unwanted, like E.T.s, some imaginative like "Fanta" and her "no sleep 'til I say so" speech. I successfully dodged them all. Even the one from Dreadlady, reminding me I hadn't made an "appointment" in months. Pinky reminded me that she was still coming this weekend, which reminded me that I had to go buy a new bed frame (don't ask!). The best message came from a highly slept on and forgotten source, "Charlize Theron".

Now Charlize got that name from an ep she pulled on me about a year back. I was on the phone with her. We hadn't had sex. At the time, we were platonic. We talked shit to each other, but that was the extent of it. I told her I was horny as fuck but I didn't feel like being bothered with one of the women I was seeing ALL night. She said "Maybe I can help. I'm on my period, so we can't do it, but I'll help you out." "Really?" "Uh-huh." So I told her to come through. I really thought she was playing. She ain't really gon' do nothin' when she get here.

She came into my place stomping the snow from her boots. I'm smilin'. "What's up?" "Where's the bedroom?" I pointed towards the back and she walked in. I came into the bedroom slowly. "Stop playing" she admonished, pulling down my jogging pants in the process. Charlize sucked in air through her teeth, making a hissing sound. I think that was the last time her mouth closed that evening. Head, neck, neck, head, neck and head. Gettin' the 'tussin.

When I was about to cum, I started to grab her arm. "I'm cummin', baby. Baby, I'm cummin'." Now she's "baby", right? Anyway, she pushed my arm away and went all the way down. I came HARD. When I finished, I opened my eyes. She was in front of me with her mouth open, full of cum. She slowly closed her mouth and swallowed hard. I coulda came again just looking at that. She left about five minutes later. When I recounted this story to my boy Three, this cat said, "Damn, you might as well call her Charlize Theron." "Why?" "Cuz she's a fuckin' monster!" The name has stuck.

Anyway, she called me yesterday to tell me she might be coming down with a sore throat. "Maybe we can put your dickhead in some honey and make me all better." Heartwarming. That's all for now folks.

Keep Writin',
KZ