A Valentine For NYC

"Even n*ggas that look like n*ggas ain't n*ggas." - Robin Harris on New York City

Hey peoples, Happy Valentines Day and shit. I'm sure the Easter Bunny has left you some money for your teeth or whatever the fuck other fairy tale goes with this "holiday". Anyway, I had to double blog today. I just got back to Satan's Anus from New York City this weekend. It was all beautiful except for the end, which I'll about briefly.

First off, I got there Friday morning and I called on an old friend, "Hot Biscuits", to play tour guide. She had me meet her in Times Square, which is not New York for real. It's the place that stands in for NY tourists. Everybody's looking up at buildings and neon signs and shit. Hustlers hustling. Street musicians. I saw two transvestites, one was about 4 inches taller than me. I'm 6'3". Biscuits arrives in Times Square and we start walking around. Cats are trying to sell things. I'm responding "No thanks, bruh." She says "Why are you talking to them? Ignore them." So now I'm soft midwest guy, the tourist. Biscuits keeps walking and bumping into people. Nothing's said. Everybody's fine with that. The system works!

Now we have to get on a train, the subway. She's talking about all these letters and number and shit that apparently represent directions and destinations. Jibber-fucking-jabber. We wind up in what I think is SoHo. *Side note to NY'ers: Houston Street should be pronounced like the city not the pretentious assed way you pronounce it!* We're at this bar that has the coolest bathroom in the world. Look at my little Flickr box to see what I'm talking about. Anyway Biscuits was draggin' my ass around this crowded city and I appreciated her attention. I shoulda let her jump my bones and get some of this good stuff. Maybe next time (I know you're lurking out there! Just seeing if you're paying attention)

Later I hooked up with another girl who I'll allow to remain "nameless". Nameless had me hanging out in Greenwich Village. *Another side note to NY'ers: When the fuck is a "W" silent?* We got to see an all lesbian R&B band. The lead singer looked like my Cousin Stumblefuck (he's a boy). After leaving the spot, I tried to get Nameless back to the cut. No dice. I went home horny and fulla alcohol. I didn't even masterbate, though the abundance of lotion and imagination made it tempting.

The next day I woke up full of energy. Maybe it was going to bed without beating off. I won't make that a habit! I hit the streets early, mainly going downtown. I got the the New York Historical Society to catch up on NYC slavery, went to Ground Zero out of respect, went to busy ass Canal Street to shop, and walked through some interesting hoods like the Lower East Side. When me and Nameless hooked up again, we went up to Harlem. We checked out an art exhibit on Amadou Diallo and went to Sylvia's Restaurant. I really couldn't concentrate 'cuz I was thinking about runnin' up. Horny over powers everything, I'm tellin' you. Saturday night it started to snow, first lightly then heavier and heavier. We parted ways and I was once again left to my own devices.

When I woke up Sunday morning I was in a blizzard. When it was all said and done, 27 inches had fallen. I had to check out of my hotel and get to the airport. My flight had been delayed, but the airline said they were going to fly when the snow stopped. I got to the airport and it was closed. No flights. I called hotels. The cheapest price I got quoted was $299 a night. I stayed at the airport all night, talking to a woman from San Antonio who wanted me to hook up with her daughter. My airline finally flew on Monday afternoon and I was able to get to Detroit. Still 2 1/2 hours from Satan's Anus. I got home at 7:30 am after falling asleep in Detroit. It's been a grueling few days but all in all, I had fun in the Apple. Guess what would have made it better for me?

Stay cool,
KZ