What up, Young Swollie? How are you? Good I hope. This friggin' day is draggin' on, but I can tell you one good thing. I tried to call E.T. about 10 times to cuss her the fuck out. Left messages and everythang. No return call. I think she was offended when I had the secretary tell her to go the other day. That works for me.
Once again it's that time when I bitch about stuff I hate. I know, you think that's all the time, right? Not so, I only complain about 1/4 of the shit that bugs me. Here we go:
The Men's Restroom: I already don't like pullin' my dick out with men in close proximity to me. I don't like opening my asshole with men in close proximity to me. Why in fuck do you wanna talk to me when I'm using the restroom, Fuck-o?
The First Church of Christ, Scientist: In short hand they are known as Christian Scientists, the muthafuckas who won't let their members use medicine. Not to be confused with the fuckin' Scientologists, these assholes have been known to let their children DIE instead of taking them to the hospital for something that's easily curable. Prayer is wonderful, but take that medicine, muthafucka! It's good for you!
Wispy: The fat white bitch who comes in my office everyday to complain about the black chicks in the office. Known as Wispy because of her thinning hair, the bitch is not to be trusted by anyone. Once upon a time I was polite to this hoe, now...no so much. When she comes into my office it's like "What now?" *loud exasperated sigh*
Hip Hop Memorial Retrospectives: Hey assholes! The two best MCs I ever heard are still alive. They are named Rakim and Kane. Cut out all this Biggie and Pac shit.
Activist E-mailers: Me watching Jamie Foxx is not gonna save the world you, shallow, ignorant dick jockey. Remember that one hurricane in New Orleans? Dey sit-che-ashun still ain't right. Stop e-mailing me that silly shit, you bastard.
Rev. Al: Everytime you make a good point, I look at your fucking head and say to myself "This African gotta perm!" Then I tune your ass out. Leave the Boondocks alone, fucker.
Black Porn: I love a big ass as much as the next cat (shit, more), but please raise the fuckin' bar. Implement a "hip to waist" ratio minimum or something. Every big ol' ass ain't gotta come with a big ol' gut. Gotdamn!
Shipping and Handling: I get the "shipping" part, but why in the fuck should I pay you for "handling". I don't want you "handling" shit I order. Just put that shit in a box and ship it. As a matter of fact, if I catch a muthafucka "handling" my shit, I'm punchin' his ass in the throat.
Squabbin': a.k.a. "Beef". Squabbin on wax is my issue. I want these MCs to just strap up and blast at each other. Just so we can open the vaults and release dey shit for a decade after dey dead. Beef on Wax is quite feminine, especially if the cats cross paths all the time. Somebody at least sock another cat! Bitches.
The Dry Cleaners: Hey you bastard! I brought in 16 fuckin' dress shirts to be cleaned and I couldn't even get a bulk deal. I'm not even sure you cleaned anything. The shit looks ironed and it smells cool, but damn, it's not like I fuckin' hoop in the shirts. Gotdamn thief.
Once again it's that time when I bitch about stuff I hate. I know, you think that's all the time, right? Not so, I only complain about 1/4 of the shit that bugs me. Here we go:
The Men's Restroom: I already don't like pullin' my dick out with men in close proximity to me. I don't like opening my asshole with men in close proximity to me. Why in fuck do you wanna talk to me when I'm using the restroom, Fuck-o?
The First Church of Christ, Scientist: In short hand they are known as Christian Scientists, the muthafuckas who won't let their members use medicine. Not to be confused with the fuckin' Scientologists, these assholes have been known to let their children DIE instead of taking them to the hospital for something that's easily curable. Prayer is wonderful, but take that medicine, muthafucka! It's good for you!
Wispy: The fat white bitch who comes in my office everyday to complain about the black chicks in the office. Known as Wispy because of her thinning hair, the bitch is not to be trusted by anyone. Once upon a time I was polite to this hoe, now...no so much. When she comes into my office it's like "What now?" *loud exasperated sigh*
Hip Hop Memorial Retrospectives: Hey assholes! The two best MCs I ever heard are still alive. They are named Rakim and Kane. Cut out all this Biggie and Pac shit.
Activist E-mailers: Me watching Jamie Foxx is not gonna save the world you, shallow, ignorant dick jockey. Remember that one hurricane in New Orleans? Dey sit-che-ashun still ain't right. Stop e-mailing me that silly shit, you bastard.
Rev. Al: Everytime you make a good point, I look at your fucking head and say to myself "This African gotta perm!" Then I tune your ass out. Leave the Boondocks alone, fucker.
Black Porn: I love a big ass as much as the next cat (shit, more), but please raise the fuckin' bar. Implement a "hip to waist" ratio minimum or something. Every big ol' ass ain't gotta come with a big ol' gut. Gotdamn!
Shipping and Handling: I get the "shipping" part, but why in the fuck should I pay you for "handling". I don't want you "handling" shit I order. Just put that shit in a box and ship it. As a matter of fact, if I catch a muthafucka "handling" my shit, I'm punchin' his ass in the throat.
Squabbin': a.k.a. "Beef". Squabbin on wax is my issue. I want these MCs to just strap up and blast at each other. Just so we can open the vaults and release dey shit for a decade after dey dead. Beef on Wax is quite feminine, especially if the cats cross paths all the time. Somebody at least sock another cat! Bitches.
The Dry Cleaners: Hey you bastard! I brought in 16 fuckin' dress shirts to be cleaned and I couldn't even get a bulk deal. I'm not even sure you cleaned anything. The shit looks ironed and it smells cool, but damn, it's not like I fuckin' hoop in the shirts. Gotdamn thief.
And that's the shit that's presently on my fucking nerves.
Relax,
KZ
9 comments:
I oughta punch YOU in tha throat, for making me do the ghetto laugh at the office. This post is clas-SICK!!!
the men's bathroom, shipping & "handling", and Wispy got me. Fucking hilarious.
Oh lawd...goodbye
too fucking funny!!!!
don't open you asshole...
big Pun is underrated.
I am leaning more towards latina porn...
i would have paid money to se fat joe and 50 cent slap box at least...
P.S. I HATE WORD VERIFICATION
I hear that Zed. I gots plenty of shit getting on my fucking nerves right bout now, but I ain't gonna even go there tonight.
LOL @ Shipping and Handling
funny, but women never have that problem in the bathrooms. its a widely accepted practice to stay away from mentioning twat while at the toilet.
and that 'handling' rant thing just goes right back to the bathroom rant, or is that just my horny mind overtaxing itself again...
Zeddy,
'Tis time for you to get some quality punany...You have some tension that needs to be released! Ah, hell who the hell am I to comment-I'm on the same boat as you and need not worry! I have no plans to pork a piggy...AT ALL!
my soul laughs loudly.
-soulace-
I am with you on the black porn...I bought a dvd...got all my shit in arms reach...sat back on the bed....turn on the dvd player and push play......first bitch on there had fucken tatoos above her nipples!!! WTFuck is that shit!!!
Can black porn get anymore ghetto?
...and as blackceasar...I hate word verification. I posted about my dyslexic ass not being able to do word verification!! Having to re-do it and re-do it 'til it finally just gives up and sends you a 2-letter verifcation...LOL
lol@ shippin and handlin!
LoL, so i take it you weren't thrilled with the Jay-z and Nas truce? and so i take it you watched American Idol instead of the Jaime Foxx special, i can dig it.
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