Friday, June 02, 2006

The Gathering

So here I am, trying to find a way to escape. It's no use. I'm trapped in a world of my own making. I knew it would come to this. All the inflated levels of responsibility on my resume, which led to me getting this job, which in turn put me in a leadership position today. All of which makes my escape impossible. Why did it have to come to this?

I have to participate in an office potluck.

Just inject my ass with the plague right now. These semi-hand washing, cat owning, crystal meth trailer livin', ass diggin' troglodytes trying to serve me food? All because my irritating know-it-all staff person will be gone on maternity leave for 3 months? She shoulda left when I was on vacation.

I fuckin' hate potlucks. Why the fuck should I be subjected to somebody's random ass cooking? And then people mill around me and say shit like "Did you try my Tuna Cake? It's got coconut icing!" People make the weirdest shit and call it "food". I refuse to eat fried gerbil on a skewer!

This shit is like torture. I've tried to do this thing where I socialize with a full plate and don't eat anything, then throw it away when I go back to my office. It never fails, one muthafucka will say "You not eatin'?" and I'm exposed.

When I was just a staff person at other jobs, I could just opt out or come up with a solution. At my last gig, I asked the office secretary to make cards to place by each dish saying something like, "Sweet Potato Pie, Courtesy of Zed". That way I'd know what was made by people with good hygiene and what was made by Shitty McNotwashhands.

I don't have a cool secretary at my disposal (maybe I shoulda took 'em all out on Secretaries Day!) so that's wasn't an option today. So I gotta go to this thing, for the sake of office politics and fragile morale, and pretend to like it.

Wish me luck.



iron said...

yo, do like i do and tell 'em you're fasting this weekend. they can't front on a brotha getting his spiritual cleanse on. i know i can't eat everybody's food and i ain't getting sick for nobody.

Robert L. Mack said...

Man I always tell people "I'll bring the napkins, condiments and pop"....I'm not a fan of the potluck either...

chele said...

Good luck with that. Thankfully, I'm finally working a gig where they don't believe in potlucks! They generally have food catered or we have happy hours after work. No more Shitty McNotwashhishands.

At my last job upper management never attended the potlucks. To hell with morale.

The Stiltwalker said...

LOL. You are hilarious. Why don't you just conveniently get a stomach ache or be on a fast like iron said, lol.

I don't eat NOTHING at work for the sake of I don't want people thinking I care to socialize with them. Whether it's homemade or Church's chicken. Don't come to my cube asking me to partake of shit up in here...

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

well at the very least bring a big bottle of hand sanitizer and encourage everyone to use some!

My germ phobia is known far and wide so my refusal to pot luck it would be normal..

Get there first, put some chips in a cup, drink water and bounce!

Nika Laqui said...

I know thats right, you need to know who made what....

I hate eating white peoples food, so I don't, they let their pets all on the counter while they cooking.

I usually eat only the store bought food....
Bagels, chips, cake, taco salad...etc. And if I'm not the first to open it, I'll leave it alone....mofo's is nasty and germy...

Mr.Slish said...

Shiit I'll eat anything I love for me most of the people I work with are Africans. Mostly women over 40. So you know they can cook!!!

Knockout Zed said...

OK, I'm back from the potluck and I'm alive. How did I pull it off? Chips and delivery pizza.

They couldn't get me sick. I beat the system!

I brought the plates, napkins, utensils and cups. Bachelor shit.

They take things so personally here. They seem to be a lot more sensitive to perceived slights. Since I'm outnumbered, it's good have a few "paper" allies.

Baby, if I could get away with it while representing myself, I'd ditch. But the fact that I'm symbolic of "Management", I gotta show. I really wanna be like fuck 'em.

@Miss Ahmad
I once went to a buffet here in S.A. and watched an old white man touch every piece of bread with his bare hand. He didn't even take one. That's the legacy of these crackas.

That's what I meant by "cat-owning". They let them fuckin' cats roam countertops and shit. No cleaning, bastards lick the spoon and keep stirring. I feel sick.

My last gig was mostly Black. Mostly. Mostly clean, too. Mostly. But that percentage that wasn't...fuck!

You seem like you got it made for potlucks!


i like liquor and tv said...

aw man, blogger trippin and didn't save my messge and I don't remember what I typed.

I think I said lol@the tuna cakes and coconut icing.

Then I proceeded to say that I also only eat the store brought stuff.

oh and I said that their homemade deserts were the worst! and I also said what the hell was up with those desert pizzas? Them junks look disgusting.

Little Brown Girl said...

I'm so mad I typed a bunch of shyt and then this fukker of a computer went blank on me. I ain't typing it again so...

Glad you made it out safely Baby! The fasting excuse is a good one, maybe try that next time (and you know there will be a next time).

Knockout Zed said...

@Liquor and TV
People make up shit they only fix for potlucks, like Three Dick Salad.

Them muthafuckas will watch you like a hawk. They'll see me out this weekend eating and tell everyone in the office I was faking. Small town shit.


Honest said...

hey what's wrong w/ cat owners cooking food?!?! We wash our hands. People do bring weird things to a potluck. I think I made rice and beans for the last one in my office. Someone brough Dolmas (stuffed grape leaves) yummy. Damm we should have another one :-).

So...Wise...Sista said...

"dessert pizza" and "3 dick salad"

lyre said...

you are so funny. why is it that we black folk dont eat from cat owners? I know cause them cats jump on the counter leaving little ear mites everywhere and eating out the pots thats why.
Oh and Chele,
who says that the caterers arent also, how did you put it Zed, "semi-handwashing, cat owning, crystal meth trailer livin', ass diggin troglodytes?"
LMAOF @ Zed. I love you! i wish you were my friend. You are so real. Just do it baby. BE ZED!!!
I am waiting on the day you quit and become a best selling author. A new school ICEBERG SLIM. Love ya Baby!!!

aquababie said...

at least most folk where can cook. the staff is about 80 % black, so we're all good. folk tell me the lady i replaced never washed her hands. they were always on the look-out for her dishes.

we're having a cook-out on the 30th. i'm talking hotdogs, hamburger and chicken with all the sides.

Nika Laqui said...

*lol* @ 3 dick salad, sounds tasty...*lol*

Hyps said...

I'm with ironmunki. I personally, would have developed a) a stomach bug (can't keep down any food) or b) an emergency and had to get of there. FORTUNATELY, we ain't that friendly ehere so we do those sort of thing!

Didi Roby said...

Catching up on my reading...Office pot luck huh? That ish sounds funny. I can see you now:)

ChezNiki said...

At office parties, I used to make small talk and do recon to find out who made what, fill my plate with unopened chips, dip and whatever Black people food was available...I stay away from the catpeople food no matter what race the cook is.

At my old job, we had one lady whose husband was Laotian so she always brought in Asian cookies from Super88. The Exec Director is Jewish so we may get some kosher snacks from him during the holidays. One time I brought in one of my extra sweet potato pies from Thanksgiving for the holiday party. That sparked a cultural awareness discussion:
"Yes I guess its a southern dessert"
"No it doesnt taste like potatoes"
"Yes its sweet"
"Its the same consistency as pumpkin pie"
"No I made it from scratch...Look why dont you just take a slice!!?!?!?"
I left that party scratching my head, like, "what do they eat for Thanksgiving up here if they dont have sweet potato pie???"

Another tactic I use at office parties is to help set up, then you see exactly who brought what, but as a big muckety muck supervisor, you wouldnt be able to do that.

Anonymous said...

:( Dammit. Blogger ate my comment again.

How was the food, Zed???

Knockout Zed said...

Hey hotness, I wasn't implying that cat owners are inherently nasty. I'm saying they are "free" with their cats. Cats roam all over the cooking area. I'm sure you're clean but watch that fuckin' cat!

Not to be confused with Breakfast Pot Roast or Two Dick Souffle.

I know who to sue if the caterers give me food poisoning. That's the big difference.

We can be friends. You got a webcam?
*grabs the vaseline*

Potlucks just keep an African on edge. I hate that hyper-vigilance shit.

I make mine with one dick. I'll bring you some!

I wish these muthafuckas would build some emotional walls and shit. They the fuck out of this.

If you were living it, it wouldn't be so funny. Trust me.

I hate giving history lessons on our food (and our lives) to these bastards. How the fuck long have we been here?

I came in late as fuck. All the seats were taken except for the one next to my boring ass boss. I had to listen to his life story. Again. The funny thing is he's got a broken leg (not funny) and he needed people to help him get food and drink. I kept yelling to people "Allen needs some more punch. Betty Sue could you get Allen some punch." They were heated.

Blogger fuckin' up? Not famil. LOL

The food looked good. I have no idea about the taste. Except for the chips and pizza, which were OK.


Superstar Nic said...

Whatz up KZ?

U got me LMAO @ the Tuna Cake! Hilarious…I don’t particularly care for potlucks either for the same reasons as you. I’m always the one going around asking “do you know who brought this”? I got to be careful who’s food I eat shit!

I hope that went well honey.

FreeBeing said...

It's not cool to lie, but: I used to hint that I might be coming down with something & can't hold food down, or that I forgot and had a big breakfast...

You killed me with "Shitty McNotwashhishands." That's gonna be a classic with me now!

Phoenix said...

@ Iron - you I'm gonna use that "fasting" issh.

I work with all Saltines for ther past 3 years and they love pot lucks. For the past 2 years I've conveniently busy with prior committments. But for the times when it's during work hours, I always eat first and say "oops, I forgot it was today." And then I just drink some soda.

And the few times I suggested soething ethnic they decides to have it catered. go figure.

Knockout Zed said...

Baby I survived. Barely.

You sellin' lying sort, sweets. That's my bread and butter.

Everybody knows the folks in their offices that "dump and dash".

I ought to make those muthafuckas eat chitlins! That would show 'em.


Phoenix said...

@ Zed - umm okay you went a bit too far with the chitlins. I ain't even eating them shits! LOL

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

as usual you have me lmao over here.. and everybody's comments are crazy too.. lol.. you better learn a better technique to take food and slowly dispose of it so it appears that you ate...

Knockout Zed said...

I don't eat 'em either. I'd bring 'em and keep offering 'em up. "Isn't anyone going to try my chitterlings?"

I need to develop an intricate system of pockets and chutes on my clothes just in case of potluck!


TRUTHZ said...

what kind of potluck has take out pizza? but i feel you, esp with the name thing by the food, but im so picky people already know that i ain't gonna be eating too much of anyone else's cooking so what i normally do is make something i really like and just eat a plate of that and when the party is over, i throw it away cuz people are nasty, might of took the fork they just took outta there mouth to scoop out their portion..