Friday, June 30, 2006

The Skeptic

In the spirit of the influx of superheroes showing up at America's cineplexes, I'd like to talk about my new secret identity.

I've had a secret identity for quite awhile now. I don't know how many of you have heard of my alter-ego, The Righthander. During the day, I'm a (somewhat) mild mannered left-handed city official. At night, when horniness spreads throughout the land, I become The Righthander, purveyor of pornography and self-molester.

A new alter-ego has emerged, though I must confess, The Righthander ain't goin' nowhere. Due to the overwhelming volume of bullshit phone calls, emails, and one to one communications I receive, I've had to develop...(dah dah dah)...The Skeptic.
The Skeptic doesn't take anything you say at face value. Nothing is discussed with The Skeptic without the underlying motive to deceive. Every conversation is propaganda. He's not buying it "Muthafucka, ya lyin'! You got an agenda!"

Case #1
Rainier, a friend of Zed's, calls him, saying he has something funny to tell him. Zed listens for approximately three minutes before The Skeptic grabs the phone away from him. The Skeptic recognizes the story that the friend is telling. It's the one where it obstensibly is for entertainment purposes, but ends up about one of Zed's exes. "I have to go now", The Skeptic says, and the crisis is averted.

Case #2
Mary Sue, an employee of Zed's, asks if she could speak with him for a few minutes. He gives her time 30 minutes before another meeting of his is scheduled to start. "Don't worrry, it's about something positive", she says. Immediately, The Skeptic becomes suspicious. "Why would this perennially unhappy, constantly bitching woman want to discuss something positive to Zed?" The Skeptic springs into action. A couple of minutes listing positive things in the office turns to a tear-filled anxiety fest. "What have you done to contribute to this atmosphere?" The Skeptic asks. "Nothing" Mary Sue replies. "Haven't you taken every opportunity you could to bad mouth your co-workers to anyone who would listen? Didn't you think that would get back to them?" The Skeptic continues. Mary Sue asks to be excused. Another job well done.

Case #3
Carmel, a gigantic breasted, pretty faced mammal, calls Zed after a few weeks without contact. Zed misses the call and plays the voicemail. "Hey Zed, I was just calling to say I just saw you out and about a few days ago. I think you were with a co-worker or something. Tina said she saw you on TV last week, too. You were presenting something, I don't know what it was. Alright...well, I guess I'll talk to you later." The Skeptic laughs and erases the voicemail. The phone call was received at 10:30 pm, on the cusp of the Booty Call Parallax. This attempt to catch Zed at his weakest, just before The Righthander takes over, was pathetic at best. Mortals! The Skeptic once again saves the day.

Whenever the credibility of a person you come in contact with comes into question and you need that special assistance to scrutinize these bullshitters, call The Skeptic. Just twist your lips thusly:

and he'll come running.

Stay Cool,
KZ

38 comments:

Blah Blah Blah said...

LMAO...ig'nant ass!!!

This is hilarious.

Quote of the blog: ..."the cusp of the Booty Call Parallax"...

Mariah Carey irritates me, thought you should know...lol

i like liquor and tv said...

lol..I'm my alter ego 100% of the time. Which means that I really don't have an alter ego..just this one.

mrs.tj said...

LOL! I'm glad to hear you have an alter ego. BOW DOWN! I thought I was the only one who has 2 or 3 of them mugs. Ain't it a mess when your work alter ego takes a vacation without you even know and "The Skeptic" shows up...better yet the Righthanded! LOL!
Holla!

Little Brown Girl said...

*dead*

I have a couple alter-ego's. Was planning to write about one today LOL!! Stay outta my head, Zed! *wait did that rhyme?*

But ummmmmmmmm you gone stop showing me dem dayum lips, hear? Ok lemme go outside and smoke a cigerette *hell no I don't really smoke*

NegroPino™ said...

i WOULD LIKE TO GET THE HOURS OF OPERATION FOR THE "BOOTY CALL PARALLAX"

chele said...

The booty call parallax. That was good.

What happened when you spoke to Shelly?

Anonymous said...

LOL maybe you should let the skeptic answer the phone when Shelly calls back baaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa

Knockout Zed said...

@Blah
I know I've dissed Mariah in the past, but what gives? Why are you tellin' me this?

For the record, I AM COMING TO NYC IN AUGUST REGARDLESS!!!

Remember my turn signal issue? Where Bluey (my truck, not the Blogger) would make the turn signal noise even when the signal was off? I got it fixed yesterday. How much?
$450. And I'm still coming to NYC!

@L and TV
Enjoying Liquor and TV is a noble identity. Don't go changin', babe.

By the muthafuckin' by, I haven't forgotten that I've asked to join forces in order to entertain and amuse America. I still wanna do that.

@Mrs. TJ
The Righthanded Skeptic would be a sexy, doubting muthafucka!!!

Who's your alter ego? Mrs. JT?

@RD
You stay outta my head first!

I have short lips. If you notice, they're exactly the same length as my nose. OK, I have regular lips and a big nose, maybe. Whatever the case, I don't like the combo.

@Negropino
The Booty Call Parallax operates nightly from 11:00 pm - 4:00 am. Any calls within that time frame from non-family members should be about fucking. Period.

KZ

Anonymous said...

*squinting at the screen*

@ chele - get outta my head not that we posted at the same time about the shelly-potential-stalker-I-want-zed-to-be-my-baby-daddy-quack chic

LOL

Knockout Zed said...

@Chele
Obviously I haven't spoken to Shelly, else I would have had a better post today than talking about my lame ass alter ego. I spent yesterday doing laundry so I could pack for Detroit this weekend.

I'll talk to her today hopefully and straighten this mess out.

*Chele took that damn pic down again!*

@Newy
The Skeptic is powerless over The Righthander, so she'd better call back before the Booty Call Parallax.

Once again, I gotta apologize to you. I am EXTREMELY sorry I missed your reading. I'll make it up to you.

*How the hell am I gonna make it up to her?*

KZ

Anonymous said...

man you're a nut...and i mean that literally. i need to find my alter ego again. she's been on hiatus. i think it's time she get back on the job!

Blah Blah Blah said...

Mariah was on the radio when I was commenting...LOL No real reason you should know that.

You really studied the length of your nose and lips....hmmmmm, Anus really is giving you the blues....
Speaking of Blue...
Bluey, you've gone and fixed it??? Why, oh why? I know I complained about it...but that's what gave the truck such charachter! ;-)

According to Tony said...

HILARIOUS!!! Brother Zed, I always enjoy reading your post. Some of the shit you come up with is...genius. "The booty call Parallax"!! DAMN, That is THEE quote. I could use The Skeptics help when dealing some of with these clients of mine.

Knockout Zed said...

@Aquababie
I hope your alter ego is ThongWoman or at least HandjobGirl.

@Blah
Ease up on Mariah. She got big titties.

What studying? Look at the pic. I used to wear a goatee to make my lips look longer.

I fixed the ticking sound, but it wasn't worth $450. You see, GM decided to make the part I needed into part of a conglomeration of other parts, therefore, you couldn't buy it separately. I had to replace the whole turn signal arm in the steering column. And that, my dear, is how you spend the loot. Next car/truck, Ford.

KZ

Disco said...

DUDE!! Did you REALLY say that to ole girl in yo office??? You are OUT.COLD. DAYUM!! LOL

And uh..... the Booty Call Parallax...... hilarious dawg!

What does Three have to say about all this? :-)

Knockout Zed said...

@Robyn
Mary Sue (or whatever I called her) comes into my office spreading venom on everyone in her path and has talked shit about me behind my back. Yeah, I said it and I'll say it again.

Three's ass is too busy enjoying a summer in a sex filled city with a long distance girlfriend to concern himself with my little doings.

KZ

blue butterfli said...

LMAO

KZ-- In my defense let me say, I tried the whole "imagining you naked" thing; but, I still couldn't stop myself from laughing.

You are... I just... Damn! You are so stoopid!! I mean that in a good way! I promise.

I have a few situations I might need "The Skeptic" to assist me with. I appreciate the photo display that shows me exactly how to reach him. (LOL)

Peace!

Oh yeah, Happy Friday!!

Anonymous said...

Dude...you're hilarious!!!

I must bow down to Zed this morning. Extremely well done.

Did you just call chica a "long distance girlfriend..."

Are you talking about the crazy chick?!?!?!

Rashan Jamal said...

My alter ego is Cap'N Obvious. When somebody says some stupid obvious ish, I just look at them and scream DUH!!!

I can't leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I can make a stupid person feel smaller than Webster.

Knockout Zed said...

@CG
Nooooo! My boy, Three, his girlfriend is the long distance chick. Nobody I'm dealing with would be called that.

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I know three women that would be pissed to hear me say that." - Mitch Hedberg

@Cas
It really is a gift to be able to make muthafuckas feel as stupid as possible. Especially when they think they're providing amazing insight.

KZ

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

my alter ego is the check out girl at the grocery store. that one that spends her whole paycheck getting her hair and nails done and going out the club on Friday night...

yup that one.

She's not worth a damn for giving advice, but at times when I think my life is too complicated, I just think

what would the check out girl do?

1969 said...

My alter ego claims that she has to see a client for an appointment and sneaks out to shop, run errands and see Superman Returns.

She's a bad girl and should be fired.

Robert L. Mack said...

LOL...@Carmel, you know thats my favorite chick...whatever happened with the pineapples? I went way back with that one. LOL. Thanks for coming by the blog earlier...oh is the skeptic the one who tell people he has "frat biz?"

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
After reading yours, I think I might have yet another alter ego.

FreshTaDef, the cat that drives around the hood all day with inappropriately loud music while leaning and sitting low.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@1969
My staff has ALL have that alter ego. He'll I'd have it if I could get away with it!!!

@Mack
I'm done with the pineapple juice for now.

The cat with frat biz is Zed, the habitual liar. He's less of an alter ego and more of an ego.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@Bluey
It appears I made a mistake and didn't respond to your comment.

I think you were laughing BECAUSE you imagined me naked!

I know everybody on this piece got an alter ego. What kinda alter ego could a woman called Blue Butterfli have? Green Louse?

The Skeptic could surely help you with that situation with that dude you blogged about. That cat needs some scrutiny.


KZ

nikki said...

hahahaha@those photos. you got the lips TWISTED. i'm surprised you were even able to untwist the mofos.

lmao@"the cusp of the booty call parallax"...i was thinking that same thing! still, you should have got you some.

Knockout Zed said...

@Nikki
Maybe I shoulda got some, but dealing with that chick's slum assed ways would have irritated me. Like always saying out loud how she feels. "Zeeedddd, I'm sad."

KZ

BKBajan said...

The story is damn funny but the lip twist pic is priceless. . . . I have a non-blinking "why you asking me dumb shit look" I do that look on a reg.

Knockout Zed said...

@OSB
I had a look like that I used to give my staff. Human Resources made me stop.

KZ

Mr.Slish said...

Brotha Zed...We all know about my alter ego. At Least. You use he Skeptic to protect you from the bullshit. The Slasher is a trouble making african.

blue butterfli said...

Ohhhh! So, FINALLY he notices Bluey standing over in the corner.

(I said that with "The Skeptic" face firmly in place! LOL)

Maybe one day I'll tell you all about my alter ego. Maybe. And you KNOW you think Blue Butterfli is a cute name! Admit it. (LOL)

Honest said...

Suck teeth, you're a funny African.

ChezNiki said...

Im with Royce's...them lips are looking kinda right...I could see them with a goatee...on my....hmmmm
...let me stop before I need a righthander.
:-o

Anyway, Rainier sounds like he likes to pick up the garbage; he's the male version of Betty Wright's "Clean Up Woman"...I had a friend like that back in the Bronx, always trying to get with my exes, barely waiting until the body was cold before she tried to hop on it...had to sleep with one eye open on that girl.

Phoenix said...

Well awhrighty with the lips. I can't remember what it was you were saying after viewing the LIPsssssssss!

Knockout Zed said...

@Slish
The Slasher is still my favorite alter-ego.
"That muthafucka is necessary" - Lyor Cohen

@Bluey
I need to know about that alter-ego NOW!!! The public demands answers!

@Honest
I always wanted to be able to write that sucking teeth sound. Is that *steeet*?

@Chezniki
You are officially nasty. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Rainier is a funny cat. Not the kind that'll make you laugh, but funny actin'. Real particular about stupid stuff.

@Phoenix
Yeah, right!
*skeptic lips in full effect*

KZ

Chubby Chocolate said...

You've got some serious balls to come forward and admit your alter ego. I'm too scared.

Am twitching my lips, though and you haven't arrived yet!

Dissident Sister said...

The "Skept-lip" is my default expression when dealing with white folks. Maybe I should construct an entire alter ego around its presentation. I don't want to steal your style entirely, though, so maybe I'll call mine the "Bitch, Please."