I've had a secret identity for quite awhile now. I don't know how many of you have heard of my alter-ego, The Righthander. During the day, I'm a (somewhat) mild mannered left-handed city official. At night, when horniness spreads throughout the land, I become The Righthander, purveyor of pornography and self-molester.
A new alter-ego has emerged, though I must confess, The Righthander ain't goin' nowhere. Due to the overwhelming volume of bullshit phone calls, emails, and one to one communications I receive, I've had to develop...(dah dah dah)...The Skeptic.
The Skeptic doesn't take anything you say at face value. Nothing is discussed with The Skeptic without the underlying motive to deceive. Every conversation is propaganda. He's not buying it "Muthafucka, ya lyin'! You got an agenda!"
Rainier, a friend of Zed's, calls him, saying he has something funny to tell him. Zed listens for approximately three minutes before The Skeptic grabs the phone away from him. The Skeptic recognizes the story that the friend is telling. It's the one where it obstensibly is for entertainment purposes, but ends up about one of Zed's exes. "I have to go now", The Skeptic says, and the crisis is averted.
Mary Sue, an employee of Zed's, asks if she could speak with him for a few minutes. He gives her time 30 minutes before another meeting of his is scheduled to start. "Don't worrry, it's about something positive", she says. Immediately, The Skeptic becomes suspicious. "Why would this perennially unhappy, constantly bitching woman want to discuss something positive to Zed?" The Skeptic springs into action. A couple of minutes listing positive things in the office turns to a tear-filled anxiety fest. "What have you done to contribute to this atmosphere?" The Skeptic asks. "Nothing" Mary Sue replies. "Haven't you taken every opportunity you could to bad mouth your co-workers to anyone who would listen? Didn't you think that would get back to them?" The Skeptic continues. Mary Sue asks to be excused. Another job well done.
Carmel, a gigantic breasted, pretty faced mammal, calls Zed after a few weeks without contact. Zed misses the call and plays the voicemail. "Hey Zed, I was just calling to say I just saw you out and about a few days ago. I think you were with a co-worker or something. Tina said she saw you on TV last week, too. You were presenting something, I don't know what it was. Alright...well, I guess I'll talk to you later." The Skeptic laughs and erases the voicemail. The phone call was received at 10:30 pm, on the cusp of the Booty Call Parallax. This attempt to catch Zed at his weakest, just before The Righthander takes over, was pathetic at best. Mortals! The Skeptic once again saves the day.
Whenever the credibility of a person you come in contact with comes into question and you need that special assistance to scrutinize these bullshitters, call The Skeptic. Just twist your lips thusly:
and he'll come running.