I was walking through the park to go to City Hall yesterday. It was almost time for the City Commission meeting and I was walking so that I could go over my presentation in my head.
"Do you do your own dreadlocks?" was the question presented to me by the pasty, big girl on the bicycle. "No", I responded, not looking up to see the questioner. She pulls up to the side of me. "What are you, a lawyer?" Finally I look up to see her, a blonde woman wearing cutoffs and a bikini top that was size inappropriate. "No, I'm not a lawyer." "Are you in trouble with the law? You goin' ta court?" I laughed. "No." "Well what do you do?" "I'm a Blee Blah Blah for the City of Satan's Anus." "I knew you had some kinda important job." "You enjoy your day."
I'm trying to get my mind focused on the presentation and this chick is pushing me off my square. I think I'm ready. We stand for the Pledge of Allegiance recited before each City Commission meeting and once again I mouth the words. I can't say 'em, it's bad enough I stand up for 'em. But it's almost presentation time. I sit down. ***RIIIIIPPPPP**** What the fuck?
My pocket gets caught on the armrest of the auditorium chair and the left side of the front of my pants rip, exposing boxer briefs. Shit, I gotta stand up in a minute. This is fucked up! Right now it's concealed. Will my suit jacket keep it covered?
Finally it's my turn on the agenda. I stand and the jacket keeps it covered. But I'm preoccupied. Every few seconds another space filler. "Ahhh....ahhhh....ahhhh...." Shit, I know I'm doing it but I can't stop. I look up and I'm looking directly in the camera. The City Commissioners are staring. The Vice Mayor is looking at me like "African, why are you so nervous?"
Fifteen minutes later and it's done. I sit back down and the weight of the world is gone.
But my fuckin' suit is ruined.
"Do you do your own dreadlocks?" was the question presented to me by the pasty, big girl on the bicycle. "No", I responded, not looking up to see the questioner. She pulls up to the side of me. "What are you, a lawyer?" Finally I look up to see her, a blonde woman wearing cutoffs and a bikini top that was size inappropriate. "No, I'm not a lawyer." "Are you in trouble with the law? You goin' ta court?" I laughed. "No." "Well what do you do?" "I'm a Blee Blah Blah for the City of Satan's Anus." "I knew you had some kinda important job." "You enjoy your day."
I'm trying to get my mind focused on the presentation and this chick is pushing me off my square. I think I'm ready. We stand for the Pledge of Allegiance recited before each City Commission meeting and once again I mouth the words. I can't say 'em, it's bad enough I stand up for 'em. But it's almost presentation time. I sit down. ***RIIIIIPPPPP**** What the fuck?
My pocket gets caught on the armrest of the auditorium chair and the left side of the front of my pants rip, exposing boxer briefs. Shit, I gotta stand up in a minute. This is fucked up! Right now it's concealed. Will my suit jacket keep it covered?
Finally it's my turn on the agenda. I stand and the jacket keeps it covered. But I'm preoccupied. Every few seconds another space filler. "Ahhh....ahhhh....ahhhh...." Shit, I know I'm doing it but I can't stop. I look up and I'm looking directly in the camera. The City Commissioners are staring. The Vice Mayor is looking at me like "African, why are you so nervous?"
Fifteen minutes later and it's done. I sit back down and the weight of the world is gone.
But my fuckin' suit is ruined.
KZ
26 comments:
My God, no! Don't tell me all ya ass was out, bro? Ooh, I feel for you reading that one. And I bet none of those secretaries of yours know how to sew or have needle and thread handy...
You haven't said Congrats on my new tats and my negative test results.
Hee-fucking-larious! When something can go wrong it will!!!!
@Insanity
I just went through and I'm all caught up. My bad, mama!
My secretaries ain't worth a plug nickel. It's all "what have you done for me lately?". Nothing. Nothing but pay you.
@Dynasty
I have the worst luck with presentations anyway. That was just the icing.
KZ
As I was reading, I am laughing out loud, my boss walks pass and ask me what's so funny. .. (nun ya fuckin bizness I screamed in my hed) but instead I told him, I'm just happy its time for me to go home.
Ah helll that sucks but you got through it and did the damm thing.
I was traveling for work and my colleague invited me to have drinks with these local guys who also happen to work for our client. I get into dudes car and hear a rip. My damm jeans ripped right at the butt crack. Luckily for me it was late fall and I had a jacket I could use but damm talk about first impressions. hehe!
hehe, you should have given them something to really look at. :-)
Always entertaining papi..always. Was in the Chi I heard....:(
LOL
uh, that's fucked up. you must keep the jackhammer rolled up and tucked to the other side, right?
Tee Hee! Damn, at least your jacket covered it up.
AWWWWWWWWWWWWW Poor Zeddie!!! That is some terrible shyt to have to endore...but you did it AS ALWAYS...you persevered and came out on top.
Once I was in Dallas about to make a presentation. They gave a 5 minute break before I was schedule to step up on the podium so I walk outside to take a deep breath and as I am just about to turn to go inside a bird shyt on me...in my hair and on the front of my creme suit...CREME SUIT!!! Forget how much the suit cost me...cause the dry cleaners was not able to get the shyt out but I had to stand up there in front of about 200 people in a friggin shytie azz blazer because the top I had on underneath was somewhat sheer and only appropriate for wearing under your suit jacket. I tried to clean as best I could but the greenish white bird shyt was there to stay...you should feel great today my love *smile*
@OSB
I'm sorry I almost got you in trouble 'cuz my twig and berries were hangin' out.
@Honest
I think your ass was trying to get out. They musta been good looking dudes.
@Phoenix
If I was in a giving mood...maybe.
@Didi
Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!! Damn, I forgot! I shoulda let you know I was there last Tuesday until Saturday with basically nothing to do.
@Nikki
This alleged "jackhammer" shrivelled up into my body out of fear.
@Paula D
I thought my whole front might be out. I might have felt better if it wasn't televised.
@Tall, Slim Mama Holding Down DC
Hey Pookie! We have to be kindred spirits. I've been shit on 4 times by birds. One time it hit my boy and riccochet'ed off him and hit me. That bird got a two-fer.
Baby...on your creme suit? And you had to speak? Awwwww!
KZ
hahahahahahahaha...Hold on I need to catch my breath..hahahahahahahaha...
good thing you weren't free balling it!
you know that it was the ancestors trying to get your attention by ripping your suit, right? mad as hell that you were "mouthing" the words to the pledge of allegiance... they only ripped the pocket to let you know, "hey, dont make us show our ass like yours is about to be shown..." just a thought... LOL :-S
Showin' ass in front of the Commissioners?!?!
You slay me, African!
Sounds like you handled your shit, though.
So...did the white chicks comment make up for the asians dude assuption that "someone told you to" read My World Is Flat?
I'll be seeing you in August?
@Slish
Yeah, yeah. I guess it's funny from a distance. I'll give you that.
@Miss Ahmad
Damn! I'd would have jetted if my unit was swangin' free. They woulda been replacing me.
@FA
Think about it. If I never would have stood up, my pocket wouldn't have ripped when I sat down. Maybe the ancestors were telling me not to stand at all.
@Supa
I tried to send you some Hansen's for you birthday, but the stamp fell off the can.
KZ
@Blah
Not really. Why couldn't I just be wearing a suit? I'm a lawyer or a criminal.
This white cat in Chicago (Chicago, people) asked me what I was all dressed up for. WTF? I'm conducting business, muthafucka!
I'll be there in August. If Slish is still doing his thing, I'll be there.
KZ
i ain't even get points for remembering that shit?
daaamn....i can't get recognition for the fact i be payin' attention?
@Blah
LOL!
Look at your little ghetto patois!
KZ
That's why you save the Armani for sacred activities only.
TAAAHHAAAA HAAA.....thats funny as hell!!!
You handled that well. Finished your presentation without saluting the flag...
:-o
Speaking of, I stand but I dont recite. I have Southern relatives who dont even stand.
...you certainly have a lotta folk waiting to see you on the 19th, Huh?
Its still on Patna!!! Only rain can stop this event...
dayum!
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