Hey y'all, what's good? I'm on vacation in Tampa. You'd think I'd be thankful to be in warm weather after freezing my balls off in Satan's Anus, but I'm not. The truth is I'm here cuz my mama misses me. That's it. I'm sitting in a suburb of a city that's practically a suburb. This too is the boondocks. I can't get a fucking signal for my cell phone until I drive 3 miles from my parents house. This is not a colorful exaggeration.
The weather should be a bonus, but honestly I'd rather spend Thanksgiving freezing alone in Michigan. In a few days this place will be crawling with my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and miscellaneous nigritos. My Uncle Zed is coming, too. Yep, Uncle Zed. I was named after my father's brother. A "formerly" drug addicted pimp. This cat has made it so I'm afraid to get pulled over in Tampa. "Oh my god, this is Zed Zednanreh! Call for backup!" This cat used to use my business cards to pull women, to much better effect than me I'm afraid.
The main thing is as soon as he arrives, I'm Little Zed. All my freakin' life whenever we came to Florida to make the distinction, I became Little Zed. "Little Zed, tell Big Zed to come here." I'm got him by at least 5 inches and 70 pounds but by Tuesday, I'll be Little Zed. When I got here my aunt was with my parents at baggage claim to get me. The first thing she said is "Well look at Little Zed!" Beautiful.
My mother is priceless. Showing me pictures of relatives and shit. She's extremely "fat-a-phobic". She fucks with her own kids the worse. She made my ex-wife cry on so many occasions it's ridiculous. "Oooh chile. You done blew up!" She was rainin' down on my cousins tonight. If your chunky ass walks by her, she'll grab your midsection and start jiggling. I'll have a long, jiggly week.
I'll keep y'all cats posted on my private hell.
Cheers,
KZ
8 comments:
lawd, your mom sounds like almost every female in my family. the popular phrase among them is "damn...you done got a little wider, girl."
mommas are the worse with that. i'm surprised you get grief considering you're a son. we daughters get that kind of drama all the time, even when we HAVEN'T gotten wider.
as for the "lil" zed thing, you'll get your chance. if you're really pressed about wanting to graduate to "big zed" or "zed" without the "lil", you can always create a family feud between your uncle and the other relatives. that'll guarantee the cat won't be back, and you will be promoted to the esteemed status you seek.
oh yeah...i used to live in tampa and you're not being nearly as negative about it as you should be. that place was the worst.
Let me preface this DIATRIBE with the statement: this is in NO way disrespect to yo momma.
With that said ooooooooooooooh-wee you done hit a nerve Zed!! I had NOOOOOOOOO idea all this time that your Mom was like that! I guess I never knew because she never said anything like that to Vicky Virginity. Wow.
Comments like that and other nas-trocities of the like are why I don't speak to my GRANDMOTHER today!Yes, my OWN flesh and blood. MY.FATHERS. MOTHER.
Since I have always been "plumper than the average" I gre UP with those kind of comments and even as a child through my embarassment and irritation, I still found it RUDE AS FUCK to comment on someones weight.What? Do you think that my comments will make me go join Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers????? Uh, no grandma, I HAVE A MIRROR AND SEE MINE OWN ASS EVERYDAY!! It ain't a secret!!
So, in my older years I have become quite comfy with me and the way I carry my "extra poundage" and in that have become INTOLERABLE OF DEALING with commentary like that. I.DON'T.CARE.WHO.IT.IS. (and this is where me & Vicky are VERY similar at this poit) Because the way I look at it is if you are RUDE enough to COMMENT on my GODAMN WEIGHT for Christ sake, have an extra pair of balls waiting for when I chop the ones you have with an EQUALLY STANK off-color comment. Cuz I don't care HOW you slice it, there is never ANY reason barring pure-d schizophrenia or some shit that should leave one unaware that as an adult, saying shit about a person's (a woman especially)weight. That shit is just common sense!
Again, I say wow.
Oh, and I sooooo forgot you were going there! HA HA ! No wonder you ain't called me back!! LOL
What you say! Your momz sounds a bit like mine...:)
she thinks everyone is fat...and that drives me crazy! She will pull out measuring tape and measure filks waists and ish...it's ugly trust me...
time will free you soon sweetie:)
This is another sign of the assimilation of black folks. When I was growing up, whenever we would visit family down south I was told "Babee, you need to eat something! You too skinny." My grandmother (who I lived with) was always trying to feed me. My older cousin who went to an all girl, predominately white high school started having weight issues when she was 14 and has been on a diet ever since (she's 44 now y'all and still the same petite size 8 but now wanting lypo).
Growing up in the hood, boys didn't want you unless you had some curve to ya. But now we all trying to be supermodels. My own grandmother, who is 300 pounds if she's a pound, had the nerve to talk about me last summer when I went home because I finally have hips and thighs. Now I admit I'd gotten to the biggest I'd ever been, but I ain't trying to be anything below a 12 (and that's pushing it with my height); that's just sick looking. Anyway I told her, "I know you ain't talking about someone else's weight?! At least I can still walk around on my own and bathe myself." Yep, I sure did! (It'd been a long week of hearing slurs about my weight, my cousins' weight and my "dark" skin; among other slurs.
Why is it family think they can say anything to you? Wrote a blog entry about it. Wanna read it? Hear it go.. http://divascommand.blogspot.com/2005/07/adult-eyes.html
Man, I see this is not exclusive to my mom or my fam. My mom - Miss Tampa Bathing Beauty 1962, is approximately the same size and weight as when she won that title. My sisters catch hell, my brother catches hell, strangers on the street catch hell. Trust me, no one is safe. She bought me some workout clothes. "I know you didn't bring any. Our clubhouse is up the street. They have a workout facility."
KZ
Hang in there Lil Zed, you'll be Big Zed again soon enuff. Your mom sounds like she's kin to my mom, my mom is very anti-fat. I was just able to re-join those cheesey ass family pictures...so she's can tell folks, "yes she's slimming back down.."
Uggh!
Lil Zed?!?...for some reason...I could never see you being a little anything, much less HAVE a lil anything...*wink*
I'm not fat...just squishy in the middle...and bet not nare none of them females in my family say shit!! Big ol' oompa-loompas that they are, gotta have some damn nerve! My ex husbands mother use to say some foul shit...but that's ok ms. parham...you a little chubby yo damn self.
At least you're in Tampa. I have to go to Phoenix. :o(
Old retired people, here I come.
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