So, I was at lunch yesterday with the infamous Batshit, letting her unload her dude problems on me. We kinda have to do that type of shit once in awhile, for our mental health. She's telling me about this unrequited love with this aspiring pastor and I was feeling pretty bad for her. It's like the story of her life, really.
So we're leaving the restaurant, right? And I see this familiar grip in the drive thru of this adjacent restaurant. The personalized license place tells the whole story, "Carmel C". So I laugh, right? Batshit asks what's funny. I tell her that's my ol' jump off over yonder and I wonder if she sees me. Batshit's driving and I get in the passenger seat. My celly vibrates. I pull it out my pocket and look at it. "You might as well answer it", Batshit advises, and I do.
"Hey Zed! Was that you I just saw in the parking lot of that Chinese place?" I'm thinking about saying no, it was one of the other 6'3", 300 lb dreadloc'ed dudes wearing business suits that you see roaming around Satan's Anus on the daily. But I don't.
"Yeah, that was me." "Did you get a new truck?" "Naw, I'm a passenger." She goes on to talk about how she spent her summer, how her friends are doing, and how I shouldn't be a stranger. So I gets off the phone, right? I look at Batshit and I say "Y'all funny." "How so?"
"That shit was a test. If I didn't answer, she woulda assumed we were a couple. Since I did answer, she knows we're not an item. Women are funny and shit." "It's a good thing I told you to answer then, hunh?" "I think not. I really think not."
So we're leaving the restaurant, right? And I see this familiar grip in the drive thru of this adjacent restaurant. The personalized license place tells the whole story, "Carmel C". So I laugh, right? Batshit asks what's funny. I tell her that's my ol' jump off over yonder and I wonder if she sees me. Batshit's driving and I get in the passenger seat. My celly vibrates. I pull it out my pocket and look at it. "You might as well answer it", Batshit advises, and I do.
"Hey Zed! Was that you I just saw in the parking lot of that Chinese place?" I'm thinking about saying no, it was one of the other 6'3", 300 lb dreadloc'ed dudes wearing business suits that you see roaming around Satan's Anus on the daily. But I don't.
"Yeah, that was me." "Did you get a new truck?" "Naw, I'm a passenger." She goes on to talk about how she spent her summer, how her friends are doing, and how I shouldn't be a stranger. So I gets off the phone, right? I look at Batshit and I say "Y'all funny." "How so?"
"That shit was a test. If I didn't answer, she woulda assumed we were a couple. Since I did answer, she knows we're not an item. Women are funny and shit." "It's a good thing I told you to answer then, hunh?" "I think not. I really think not."
Gym Etiquette, revisited
This question is for the fellas. Once again these dudes at the gym have got me vexed. I wanna know what kind of question is "How was your workout?" How do you answer that? I personally don't know how it should be answered or better yet why it's asked. It seems like a homo conversation starter when I'm naked. Help me out with this shit before I crack a clown's skull.
KZ
39 comments:
Zed you had better change gyms. Those cats up in there have you spooked. LMAO
You can always tell Carmel, that you were rollin with you new honey and she insisted that you answer the phone, because she's cool like that. But she's also a crazy-azz sista out of Philly who carries her knife at all times, so it's really not save to call back again. See how she takes that! LOL
@OneFrom
My thing about gyms is that because of what I perceived as non-adherence to locker room etiquette post college, I don't like going into them. A man doesn't talk to another man in the locker room unless he knows him,period. Maybe shit has changed, maybe I'm wrong. But that's the way it was when I left college in '94. Why are you talking to a naked stranger? Makin' small talk and shit? That feels like game to me.
Carmel is tit for tat crazy. I'm not fuckin' with her.
KZ
vfYou handled Carmel the right way. Rule Number 487: Leave the crazies alone.
As for the gym....are these folks Europeans or Africans? The answer will probably shed some light on how to handle the situation. Euros like to make small talk.
HILARIOUS!!!!
Yeah.... so...uh.... how was your workout? LOL!!
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Next Louganis will be offering some of those lil "slippies" that he wears cause he just happened to see them in "your size" LOL!!!!
so that's what was happening when i called you huh?
I don't think that is necessarily a homo convo starter, I think its just indicative of peoples need to engage in meaningless, inane small take.
@Sixy
The gym locker room is a weird social situation anyway. Why make it weirder? I'm sweating, taking off my clothes to go into the shower and this dude is asking me how my workout was. The thing that made it worse? He was changing out of his street clothes and into...A SPEEDO!!! He wasn't even there to workout, he came to swim. Why the fuck are you concerned about my workout, fruitcake? Yeah, he was a Euro, but rulez is rulez.
@Robyn
Everything takes on a different meaning when you're naked. Am I right?
@Miss Ahmad
Heck no!!!! You know betta than that!
But at the gym?
Hells nawl smalls.
You gotta just shut dude down and let him know that you're there to work.
Alone.
Launch into an ignorant diatribe on how your space is being all violated (by a man for that matter) and see just how long you'll get that eliptical on your next visit. The locker room is watching son. You gotta represent.
As for them crazy sisters that continue to invade from the past, same rules apply that you used with 'Gaggly Greg Lougainis'.
@T Cas
Why ask the question when I'm naked? I'm fully clothed when I came in the locker room, I'm taking off my clothes, he's standing there undressing, I'm completely naked grabbing my towel and he asks "So how was your workout?" I didn't even look at the dude. "Fine." Short, terse, the perfect "fuck you".
I hate small talk anyway, but locker room small talk is pretty inappropriate.
KZ
@Hassan
It's the man himself! What's crackin' Big Time?
It's ridiculous to think you can talk to a naked man you don't know. That shit would FEEL wrong to me. Maybe that's just me.
The diatribe thing might be the way to go.
Those chicks from the past keep shit up. I gotta maintain my composure, 'cuz Carmel reinvented "head".
KZ
Satan's Anus sounds like high school. I was glad to make it out of there the first time.
If dudes keep talking to you in the gym and you don't want to talk to them give them the hard stare and say an abrupt fine and walk away. They should stop talking to you.
@Mack
That's another unacceptable practice that goes on unchecked. If we are of the same sex, you're not allowed to talk to me with my dick in my hand nor with my asshole open, i.e. using the damn restroom!!! Black men understand that.
As far as me and Bats, hells no! I have an uncanny knack for remaining cool with all my exes. We are not romantic in any way, but we are friends.
Your other favorite person is still crazy!
@Miz JJ
The world is like high school, the entire fuckin' world.
I used that technique yesterday. But damn, am I gonna have to keep doing it daily?
KZ
crack a clown's skull
hehehe
You're right, we chicks are funny. It's nice how you can stay cool with your exes. I like to think that all my exes fell off the face the earth never to be seen or heard from again.
oh and could you please stop giving me visuals of you naked ...
I believe the only proper conversation in the gym locker room is no conversation... I keep the I pod plugged in to avoid talking to those weirdos that want to carry on useless conversation with naked male strangers.
@Chele
I'm really cool with all of exes EXCEPT the ex-wife. Every chick I ever dated was good people for the most part. It was usually one of my flaws that kept us from being a couple.
I'm sorry about the visuals! I don't wanna scar you for life!
KZ
@1in
Exactly! I try to keep the MP3 on even when I'm naked. I take if off at the last possible moment, right before going in the shower. Muthafuckas is crazy, man.
KZ
the gym is the new country club..or the alternate version which is to say that it's a social space...perhaps not as far nudist colony but it's where folks meet and mingle.
my advice, less time in the locker room more time at the juice bar!
Is Louganis after you again? LOL When I was a gym regular (soon to be again, thank GAWD), people would ask me that all the time. Sometimes they're good. Sometimes you can push yourself and kick a$$. Other times you're sucking wind. But, I'm not a dude asking another dude. LOL
And yeah, leave the crazy chick alone. Change your number. Or, just assign a cacophonous ringer to all the crazies. That way, you'll develop an aversion to them. It will make you not want to hear from them. Works for heartbreakers, too.
After going to a predomently white high school (where I was openly stared at in the shower and locker room) and Upstate NY college (where the older liberated female 'townies' would strut naked in the locker room at the North Campus gym), I shudder when I think of any locker room.
When I joined Crunch/Bali Gym in Boston, I would layer or change my clothes at work and leave the gym funky directly after aerobic class or working out. I was afraid of the locker room and the showers.
I limited my time in the locker room to changing shoes and locking up my bag. Fool around? I would walk in off the street and leave my bag in the back of the dance studio during class.
I feel you, Boo. Which is why I have weights, an inflatable exercise ball and sneakers (for walking) at home. I love the gym, but locker rooms are scary, germ-filled places (for many different reasons) EYUCK!
Side Bar: Im with Chele over there...I would love to witness the Nekked Knockout Strut to the showers...just to see what all the fuss is about
;-]
@Miss Ahmad
Any juice bar I frequent would have to have a vodka bar close by.
@BZ
This cat is the white Louganis.
Let me ask you something: Why would anyone care how my workout is? I mean, if it was one of my boys saying it, I guess that would be cool.
If I answered truthfully, it might generate more conversation, which I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT!!!
@Chezniki
I avoided locker rooms for years and did just like you! I should just bring the gym bag in the office, change and go home funky per usual.
Don't nobody wanna see KZ nekkid. You want a visual? Picture Plasticman's old sidekick Hula-Hula with his shirt off.
KZ
LMBBAO! You are a certified Nut!
...on the contrary, I think we would both be very happy...
...next time you come East maybe we can work out together...at home
;-]
LOL @ Chez working it out with Zed in Boston...
heeheehee
Who effing cares if he talks to you with or without clothes on...you still ain't gonna like him...case in point being approached by a freindly neighbor last week had you mad at him....
I'm glad Batchit is still around. I like her. LOL As for Carmel...eh, she's....(what is it she always says...hmmm) MARGINAL. lol
I don't know Zed, sounds like I might not be the only one rocking the BOB!!! I got a feeling way down deep that that's why they keep making small talk. LOL!!!
My bad, Zed...delete one of those (and this too)...I had some technical difficulties over here....
LMAO! It's an innocent question dude. So how was the workout?
@Chezniki
You nasty!
@Blah
Batshit is still batshit. Carmel is still D.S.C. That's what makes her dangerous.
@Khalil
See what I'm sayin'? Why are you even askin'?
@TS
It might be the BOD.
@Honest
That's not an innocent question! How's your workout? Fuck him!
KZ
Look awaaaaaay!!!!
hell yeah it's a test! and let it be known that it's the one that TRULY matters the most! fck what they say about an SAT, LSAT, MCAT, or any other damn standardized test with a T at the end! ;-P
Uh, being asked about the efficacy of your workout whilst naked is some gay shit. Who the hell cares? Obviously you didn't fall off the machine and stroke out right there on the floor so it must have been atleast a completed task.
They want your sexy body.
The B.O.D......
HAAA!!!
Well..... uh.... I hear tell it........
"friends say......" that it IS the B.O.D. !!! LOL
You's a fool !!!!!
@Slish
See? That's what I'm sayin'! No man wants to see another dude naked, let alone prolong contact with him by conversation.
@FA
Her test was futile! I'm Teflon, baby!
@Stilts
That's my point exactly. Who the fuck cares if I had a good workout? They ask like they care more than I do.
@Robyn
Well, ummm, shucks...
*kicks rocks*
KZ
This is my first time coming through.I definitely will be visiting more often.
Them gym dudes like you, especially when they try and talk to you while you are naked. Prolly not the most P.C. thing to say but beware of the butt pirates!!
Keep the cr5azies away.
This is my first time coming through.I definitely will be visiting more often.
Them gym dudes like you, especially when they try and talk to you while you are naked. Prolly not the most P.C. thing to say but beware of the butt pirates!!
Keep the crazies away.
@Ep
These dudes got issues. I didn't think I was a homophobic dude, but the whole game changes when you nekkid.
Thanks for comin' through.
KZ
I've heard the the gym is the gay man's social club...maybe they are trying to induct you! Just Kidding. The last thing I want is for a 300lb 6'3 brother to have a gripe with me...LOL!
carmel = fatal attraction - the rabbit...
if i were you, i'll go home stinking....
Interesting, so if you answer you're not a couple and if you don't you are? I've seen fishy dudes out there answer even though there's something going on. I guess it depends what you say and how you say it.
@Dyna
If they want beef...they betta seek it elsewhere!
@Aqua
That's my next move. I'll come to the gym dressed to work out and leave funky.
@PD
I used to be a BIG cheater. Huge. I would pick up the phone all the time, under any circumstances, because every woman knew there were other women. As things progressed, I'd pick up the phone and the woman I was with would inevitably say something loud to me like "Zed, who's that you're talking to?" blowing the "illusion" of the woman on the other end of the phone. So now I, like most men, don't answer.
KZ
Post a Comment