Wednesday, May 31, 2006

47 Deep

I often wonder what I'm doing here. Not in a metaphysical sense, but quite literally. What the fuck am I doing here? I blog more than I work. I actually get more satisfaction from coming up with witty comments to interesting blogs than I do from my life's calling. This is coupled with the fact that I not only have to do my job, but I have to manage quite a few other people as they do their jobs.

Ask anyone that is employed in their field and you'll likely find that person in the steadfast belief that they would like their boss' job. "I can do that muthafucka's job. All he does is tell us what to do." The bigger paycheck, the lighter workload. It's all gravy, right?

There will be a lot of people that resent this analogy, but check this out: Can you imagine parenting 47 children, each demanding personal attention and immediate responsiveness to their every desire? I don't exaggerate when I say this. I took out one secretary for Secretary's Day and I had 6 secretaries mad at me. Why? 'Cuz I'm Deputy Director and I should have looked out for all of them. Naw, I think the DIRECTOR should have looked out for all of them. I looked out for mine.

I absolutely hate funerals. I know it's not a good occasion for anybody, but I really can't deal with them. Unfortunately I've had to attend two of them for the loved ones of staff since I've been here. I got a blistering e-mail yesterday from a staff person saying management didn't acknowledge it when her stepfather died and we're playing favorites. I had to remind her I wasn't here when her stepfather died and that we'd be more equitable in the future.

The executive offices are on the east side of the suite. The more "blue collar" area is on the west side. We're accused of having everything on the east side from better coffee, cooler air conditioning, bigger offices, brighter sunshine. This shit is insane.

In the meantime, I gotta defend our budget to City Hall and proclaim all these muthafuckas "necessary" even when I feel quite a few of them need to go. But if I do that, the union will be on my back.

I quite honestly would work for less money and give up the responsibility to respond to the whining to someone else. I'm physically exhausted at the end of the day from all the bitching.

I hope your situation is better.

Peace,
KZ

26 comments:

The Stiltwalker said...

ok first off no one's obligated to acknowledge a death of anyone except your ass cause we'll suddenly be in the market for someone to take over your cube, bitch.

See that's why I have to keep an autonomous job, I couldn't manage others well at all. I HATE office politics.

i like liquor and tv said...

"I blog more than I work. I actually get more satisfaction from coming up with witty comments to interesting blogs than I do from my life's calling."

Maybe your life's calling is making witty comments. You should write for sitcoms or something..lol

But I feel ya. I've never wanted to be a boss. I strive for jobs in a dark dusty room where I have little or no contact with others.

Anonymous said...

welcome to the shitty of [insert any city you please here].

Little Brown Girl said...

Zed, you and I, me and you...yeah the two of us...we got the same life. Of course my title is slightly different, and granted the cities are light years apart but you and me mind as well be the same dude (well I am far from a dude but you get my point).

If I could write all day you would rarely see me frown. If I could walk away from this pay and the expectation of accomplishments that follow the advanced degrees I'd be happy because this is bullshyt. All I want to do is write and make love to a man I love and who loves me...is that too much to ask???

Ok I kinda vented on your shyt, sorry!!!

Knockout Zed said...

@Stilts
See, that's the way I feel about funerals. I don't want to be that "intimate". I'm a private person and to me that's personal pain. I feel like a voyeur. I'd rather not be there. Office politics suck!

@Liquor and TV
If someone would pay me to be a smartass on a blog, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I just can't find those gigs!

Being staff sux AND being boss sux. I have seen them both intimately, and I'd rather be staff.

@Anon
I guess it is universal. I hope someone out there has it better than I do. I think ol' Liquor and TV does!

@RD
Hey sexy, whatchu wearin'?

Sorry, I got off track a little...

Anyway, to answer your question, yes, that is too much to ask. Cuz that would mean happiness. And happiness doesn't work if it's a condition of situations. What you want is a lack of desire. Desire is what causes unhappiness.

KZ

Nika Laqui said...

I know thats right...

brooklyn babe said...

See, I can *click* and find U.... and feel U... I work in a "mangement-less" environment, if you can recall... which does have its benefits, and its set-backs, as there is no acting manager... the head office in Paris.

I/We must act as manager, secretary, technican, editor, supevisor, and coffee maker.

I cant say I would trade this all to have a real position of power, because I already have that.

If anything else, this job have given me the perfect opportunity to mend my "broken focus"... which one step had to be, to put blogging, (albeit, addictive and much loved) to total recreational use, so that I can really put my "free hours" at work to use.

what helped is a great CD about finance, freedom and purpose, I can send it to you for FREE... get @ me... the msg is too good not to share!

I feel U babes!
*Click* whenever ready...

Mr.Slish said...

I can't wait to to be the boss..Waiting on something at my job right now. Rumor has it I'm the man for the job. Hope the rumor is true...As for funerals I hate them. I don't go period. Close family members ONLY!!!

Honest said...

I don't want my boss' job, at least right now. The grass is really not greener the more responsiblity the more accountability.

nikki said...

mo money, mo problems. that shit's TRUE.

and your life's calling is to write, luv. luckily, you do it beautifully.

DurtyMo said...

I swear I love this blog! I mean I really, really, really love it! Ok now that I'm done riding ya nuts, let me add my 2 cents.

I feel you on the whole 'do for 1, do for all' thang. I mean let's be real. It's the same thing with farewell luncheons, baby showers and wedding showers. Why must I donate my hard earned money just because you may work on the same hall as me. This DOES NOT mean I have to contribute to your "new and exciting endeavors". Please! Ok I'm a little off subject but that shit burns me up.

I've self published two books (a shameless plug) and guess what? I wrote them both While sitting at work! I used my resources and did the dayum thang! Zed hang in there and use them bitches to your advantage! Write til you can't write no more. Since you gotta put up with all that senseless meaningless drama, continue to allow them to PAY you for entertaining us everyday cuz this shit is PRICELESS!

TRUTHZ said...

come here KZ *hug hug* life is rough from whether you the chief or the indians, huh.

Phoenix said...

Shoot I wish I could blog at work. they got a damn block on issh. by the time I get home some days I don't want to sit in front of another computer. Now that is putting a damper on my writing. As for managing people - check this - I have a case load of 200 or so middle school kids and I work with approximately 20 teacher, 2 administrators and any number of parents on any given day. how is that for juggling personalities and having stress.

Anonymous said...

managing is no fun. i've been at my gig almost two years. i was the only chemist. now with unexpected growth, i'm "supervising" 3 chemists and a lab tech. it's something i'm growing into. i haven't been made the official supervisor, but it's pretty much in the bag.

i hate going to meetings. i almost cussed out the white heifer in the meeting today. i hate keeping my budget in check. i had to design the new lab we're moving into in 2-3 years. i miss the days when it was just me. i prefer to work in the lab. the tradeoff is the increase in salary though. i can't fight that part.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

i watched two and half hours or more of footage of men who were sex addicts today. Had a meeting about whether or not I thought one of them had the propensity to stalk me, talked to someone who pops pills all day and set up an interview with someone who has had four boob jobs....i wish my job was boring!

lyre said...

I am very proud of you being in a position of power. If you are feeling the management angst, maybe it is time for you to branch out and try on some self employment shoes.

Anonymous said...

Don't you hate when folks say stuff like "I wish I had your __________(job, life, man, woman, money... hell it doesn't matter pick one) Because all they think about is the upside of that whatever. They don't think about how that job may require 15 hour days at times and can be quite unmotivating at others. Or how that man/woman may be putting you through hell on the daily with the whining/complaining/cheating/or just plain irritating habits he/she may have. They can't fathom how you can have so much money yet you must constantly stay on your toes to keep it. And as far as life...hey they see what you want them to see, they don't know that you have bouts of loneliness, fits of self doubt, moments of depression. Folks kill me always wanting to be in someone else's shoes...til they find out the person's got Athletes foot. :|

Knockout Zed said...

@Nsane
I been readin' about you. Bad girl!

@BB
I would give anything to be self directed and direct no one else. You wouldn't believe how badly I wanted to be in this position when I was younger. Now you realize you can't beat the shit out of someone when they don't do something fast enough or good enough.

My focus is all fucked up. I need to get that info, pronto.

@Slish
If you are the man, watch the relationships change. The office fuck-up is funny when he's your peer. When you're counting on him to produce, you'll hate that bastard's guts.

@Honest
There's a guy on my staff, nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Apparently when he's out of the office he's belligerent and rude to the customers. Imagine getting that call from the Mayor asking what you're going to do about it. And simultaneously getting a call from the union president advising you of the legal ramifications of reprimand in this situation. Welcome to my world.

@Nikki
All my serious writing has gone to hell. I think all I can do is blog.

I think I'll just come move to ATL and stay with you. I'll bring a suitcase full of baby oil.

@Durtymo
We have a potluck here tomorrow because one of my staff is having a kid and she just earned her professional certification. Why do I have to participate in a ritual where I gotta eat your nasty ass food? I know the cat be walkin' on their counters and shit. And if I don't participate, I'm being elitist? So now since I don't cook, I gotta come out of loot.

I need to get on the grind and write when I'm here. I'm too busy surfing and shit.

@Truthz
Now I think you fuckin' with me!

@Phoenix
You fuckin' win! I couldn't do it. All those personalities would fuck with me.

@Aquababie
I used to date a chemist. I wrote stories about it at the beginning of my blog last August. I don't think I said she was a chemist, but her egg-headed ass was.

I want to give you one bit of advice. I was thrust into supervision my first go 'round, too. DO NOT supervise like you'd like to be supervised. Make them accountable for everything even when you don't feel like it. It's a way to draw the line between you and them. If the comfort level is there, they'll fuck you everytime. Trust me.

@Miss Ahmad
Whatchu wearin'?

Anyway, I'd like to switch jobs for about a week. I'd get sensory overload and you'd catch up on any lost sleep.

@GBM
It's funny you should say I should be self employed. I'm working on that sort of venture right now.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@MzNewAgenda
Damn that was well said! Are you free to come in for my staff meetings?

KZ

Anonymous said...

i'll take your advice to heart zed. two of the folk i've known for quite a while. the relationships are established. they have no problem taking direction from me. i'm not lazy in the lab...even when i was by myself, i was humping. i show by example and it's being followed. i actually hate doing paperwork. i actually have an experiment to finish today, but i have some online tests i have to finish by today.

the third person? let's just say he's the problem child. he's a white male older than all three of us. all of us are black. and i'm his supervisor. it probably kills him to come to work every day. we've had some incidents and i've had to step in. ugh

Anonymous said...

Damn. I feel you. Tho, I can be a power-trippin B-i, so I maybe would like being boss for a few days.

On another note, it might be worth reconsidering "your calling."

I'm not convinced that this current job is it... Seems like you really want to write, which you can do while you continue to get paid!

I've come to accept the fact that I will not receive a decent salary AND career satisfaction - at least not early in my career.

So, I do what any other New Yorker does who is forced to pay crazy costs for every part of life, yet wants to capitalize on their dreams: I gig (stodgy investment bank) and I write on the side. Just like you, Zed.

Knockout Zed said...

@Aquababie
I'm younger than everybody in my department except 3 of them. There are only 5 or 6 Black people.

They fuckin' hate me, for real. But even for the Black staff, as much as you might be cool with them and have their back, don't let them know it. They'll fuck you and have a new supervisor in your spot.

Some Black people subconsciously (or consciously) hate taking orders from other Blacks.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@CG
I tend to bullshit and not put ideas to paper. I gotta cut that shit out. There's nothing for me to finish my book than to JUST WRITE the muthafucka.

Supa said...

Get to writing, Zeddie.

chele said...

I know what you mean, sometimes I just wish I could sit at the door at Wal-Mart and tell people to have a nice day.

Knockout Zed said...

@Supa
You shoulda sent me some that Yay Area Chronic to help me out.

@Chele
That's funny you should say that. My brother in law says the same thing. He says he can do it when he retires in 8 years.

KZ