Friday, May 26, 2006

The Softest Things

If a man is raised the proper way is always struggling to find out if his life's journey is the path a "real man" should be taking. One constantly challenges oneself on the purity of their "walk". I've found certain things make you question your manliness quotient (M.Q. copyright, Zed Zednanreh, 1989) more than others.

It seems like everytime I need something for my house to make it more comfortable, I end up in the gayest place on Earth. It's hard to be a tough guy standing in line for throw pillows and a duvet.

Isn't "Hi" a bitch ass greeting? I mean, think about it.

Hi.

Look at how soft that shit looks. Sitting there with that lowercase "i" with that fuckin' gay ass dot over it! Everytime I say it or write it at the top of an e-mail, I die a little inside. As a matter of fact, fuck all letters with dots over 'em. I'm lookin' at you, lowercase "j"!!!

Today I'm wearing loafers. What muthafucka first decided to make shoes with no strings? What kinda punk ass shit is that?

I was at the bank last week signing a check and handing it over to a teller. I waited for her to give me money back. I felt like a real hoe, standing there all passive and shit. Waitin' like bitch. I shoulda jumped over the counter and took my shit!

And what's up with reading and shit? One word following the next and shit. A homo musta invented reading. That's some ol' soft shit if I've ever seen it.

And while we're at it, lets look at typing. What type of heterosexual male sits around typing and shit? I'm cutting that shit out right after this blog entry is written. I'm a man, gotdamn it!

And eatin' pussy....nevermind.

Anyway, I think men as a whole owe it to ourselves to call anything we can't do or understand UNMANLY. Then we should over-use cuss words to show people we're tough. That way we all feel better about our place in society.

That's just my two cents. Muthafuckas.

KZ

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

even the manliest of men must shop for nice shit for the house. just think how sexy you looked holding that duvet. it's even sexy that you know what a duvet is :)

why are your boxers in a twist hun??

chele said...

dude, are you bipolar, or what? who's bothering you?

Mr.Slish said...

@ Chele I was about to ask my blog buddy the same thing. You alright son!!! lmaof

Knockout Zed said...

@Y'all
No, I'm cool. This blog entry is in response to a conversation me and one of my boys had. He got the infamous "why don't you just man up?" shit from a chick. I proclaim that no woman has a right to say that to a dude.

This is just venting on what it means to be a man and have that shit questioned.

KZ

Anonymous said...

i was worried about you. that's why i'm back already! i've said that to one man and damn was he pissed!

it was my ex-husband and i needed to say that shit. he was being really trifling.

putting myself in your shoes, if you're a man or woman of integrity, no one can question your manhood or womanhood. what's the issue between the dude and chic?

*being all nosy*

Knockout Zed said...

@Aquababie
She's trying to get him to move out of state with her. She has a bomb-ass job, he'd be jobless until he can find something. She said she'd take care of him until he found a gig. He said he couldn't let her do that. She said told him to man up and stop being afraid of letting her "hold him down".

KZ

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

She sounds like she has daddy issues. I have said it before and I will say it again..women who want to act like men, don't really want men.

If she can't respect a man wanting to be a man, then she wants to make a punk out of him, then resent him for being a punk, then add him to her reasons for being bitter and alone!

Tell him to put her on pause!

Anonymous said...

she was wrong for the comment. i told my ex that when he was sitting on his ass not wanting to work. this dude sounds like he wants to do his share.

i would never move any place without having a job first, even if i married again. i'm actually having this decision with my guy. i have to be able to take care of myself. she's sounds very selfish wanting to keep up with him.

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
*icanttellhimshitcuzhe'sinluvandhe'slurkingand readingeverywordiwrite*

OK, sweetie, I'll tell him that.

@Aquababie
This will sound sexist, but here goes: I could see a woman moving with no gig, but that's gotta be against the "man code".

KZ

Bitch Get Up Off Me-Hoe Get Up Off Me said...

*lol*

ChezNiki said...

She should go on and move and let him follow when he finds something. I wouldnt give up my job opportunity, but I absolutely would be nervous about supporting a grown, healthy man, for any length of time.

What if he really liked it and decided to lay on the couch, stratch his nuts and never to go back to work? What if he became resentful and jealious of her success and actively tried to sabatoge her? What if immediately after moving in, he decides to "start his own business" and suck up all her money in some fly-by-night business idea?

Ive seen all these scenarios amongst my friends and family. So IMHO, she should take the job, move, have him come in for interviews and use her address for State jobs. When he finds some work then he should move.

...and BTW eating c**chie is VERY manly!!! LOL

Honest said...

This was laugh out loud, roll on your back and kick up your legs in the air funny.

Isn't world market just fab..such a great cross price wise between Pottery Barn and IKEA.

noagenosexnocity said...

Yo, this was funny son! I had a good laugh. However, "j" is hard! Say that shit out loud, son! when u say that shit a short burst of air erupts from within. Nahmean!

I guess I'll be googling Duvet right after this...or is googling that soft shit...

Prophetess said...

Fuck is wrong withchu, Zed? I aint never heard you talk like this. Secretly, I get off on you blasting fools, but seriously tho', you need to get your ass BACK in the bed and get up on the RIGHT side of that mofo this time! I know you hear me...

Now, I feel you on the word "Hi". But aint a damn thing wrong with reading and typing. And since you aint typing no more, how you 'spect to get that real life novel up and running? You make me sick! Always going off on a tangent, withcho' anti-social ass. Maybe you need some "motivation"... I'm sending Priscilla right now up to the Anus to take care of you and let you buss a few all over her face. She'll like that and you'll like that, too, LOL.

Relax, relate, release. Oh, but then that might be "gay", too.

You need to getcho' shit together and quit with that bullshit of yo's....

lyre said...

Zed,
OMG all of a sudden you are looking kinda sexy mannin up like that. :-))

Little Brown Girl said...

If your boy is reading I have a mssage for him...

An unemployed black man is very UNCUTE!!! You hear me?? I don't give a dayum if it is sexest or not...a black man needs a job PERIOD!!! And if he doesn't have one let it be because he planned properly in life and has been blessed to retire early or some shyt (but has a means for supporting himself).

I get the whole "I'll hold you down" thing, but shortie is wrong...she is being selfish right now. Because at the end of the day no woman wants to wake up and look at their man lying in bed when she is getting up to go to her hustle. That would be cool for about a week and then all hell would break loose. I know I've been there.

I trust that he is a man of honor and pride, so I encourage him to stay that way. Put his foot down and tell baby girl that he loves her and appreciates her willingness to hold him down. But he is making the decision that is best for them as a couple and when the time is right (i.e. he has a job in the new state) he will join her. Patience and proper planning will make their relationship better...rushing to please another person is ALWAYS a recipe for disaster.

Good luck to your boy and FUNNY AZZ POST...what would I do without you Zed????

Mr.Slish said...

Okay Slish has entered the building.

I need to know a few things...

1. Where is your boys lady moving too.

2.What kind of works does your boy do now and does he have the necessary skills to pick up and move elsewhere.

3. Is his lady the type of woman that will throw it in his face if he doean't find a job right away

4.Does he have kids or a strong family unit where he lives now

Personlly if he loves her and I mean truly loves her. He'll move

ZED'S BOY!!!! DO NOT!!! and I repeat DO NOT!!!!! let your ego keep you from being happy. Go with that woman, cause if she leaves and the both of you end up doing the long distance thing you will be MISERABLE!!!! Besides if the shoe was on the other foot I'm sure she would go with you.

@ Royce. Homeboys lady is not being selfish. She found a good job and wants the man she loves to come with her and reap the benefits. Ain't nothing wrong with that. If it were me!!! PEACE I would be oooout. Find my ass a job at THE STOP AND SHOP!!!! lol

Knockout Zed said...

OK, OK, I'm back. I was in Detroit for a couple of days filling up on illicit sex.

Now I'm back to respond.

@Chezniki
I could see any of those scenarios playing out. Some of this shit you'd have to be here to see it. This shit went from tolerating her to full blown love in about 4 months.

@Honest
I can't really admit how much I like shopping for stuff for my house. It's pretty soft. I've never been to Pottery Barn. No, that's a lie. My friend Robyn worked there a few years ago part-time. I went once. I like Ikea though.

@Noage
You can't put a cute little dot over a letter and it remain hard. Now SAYING "j" is different than writing it.

Dude, duvets are some punk ass shit. I got two of 'em.

@Insanity
You know sometimes I gotta go off on these tangents to keep me sane. I'm alone in this bitch. I got nobody to bounce thoughts off of.

@GBM
All things considered, I'm a pretty sexy muthafucka.

@RD
Thank you for writing the shit I've been trying to say to his ass for days!!!! He insists that she's "different" from the average woman and won't use it against him. He is being delusional.

@Slish
I'll answer the things I think won't piss him off.

2. His skills are portable. He can take them anywhere in the WORLD. I just wouldn't call him particularly ambitious.

4. He has an exceptionally strong family unit and a teenage son.

Maybe he'll listen to what you have to say. Money issues change all relationships.

KZ

Anonymous said...

I like this post.

@ RD: .."blessed to retire early"...like your umma, Tony montana? heeheehee

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

I totally LOVED this entry.. it actually reminded me of Haitian Stagnation who thought everything was "gay." Homophobic, supressed homosexual ass... For example, this negro once turned off my George Michaels song because the "saxophone music sounded gay" and he couldn't listen to a gay man's music. Fucking sexually dysfunctional IDIOT.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Hi...no homo.
Sarcasm looks so good on you. ;)

Anonymous said...

i'm not surprised you said him staying with her is against the "man code". but i don't like having a free ride either.

for me to move with away from where i am, i want to have a gig in place and savings in my pocket. i have bills to pay. i don't trust that shit will last forever, even if you are married. i have one divorce under my belt anyway.

shit happens :)

sj-the-infamous said...

s"j" says....fuck you for hating on the lowercase "j"....

now, World Market is the shit. they have a bit of everything! you can buy batiks, and jewelry, stuff for your house, hell, beignet mix, and they have the best dessert wines on the planet!

"soft" shit ain't so bad, especially if you find some new pussy while you're in there....

Knockout Zed said...

@Up In Harlem
You back? Feelin' good?

@EOC
That cat would have a problem with me and music. If it sounds good, imma listen. Elton John is extra homo, but he ran the 70's. There were so many androgynous muthafuckas in music in the 80's it wasn't funny. He gotta get a little more secure.

@So Wise
LOL! That was funny!

@Aquababie
No matter how much love and devotion is involved a woman will make a man feel like a loser if he can't find work. If she's holding him down, he'll hear about it daily. One day I'll write about my experiences from age 21-22 as a living testament to my theory.

@SJ
YOUR "j" isn't gay. It's sexy. I'll bet your "j" is wearing thongs right now.

I can find old white housewife pussy at the World Market in Satan's Anus.

I don't want that!

KZ

Phoenix said...

Zed - I enjoyed your rant here. Hi sounds wack no matter who says it (male or female)

Anonymous said...

I was at a 1-yea-old's birthday party on Saturday.

The kids were playing musical chairs and one boy (about 5 or 6 years old) got knocked to the floor.

He started to quasi-pout when his pops shouted out "Hey, my n!gga...man up! Naw, n!gga, naw...man the f*ck up...yeah, that's it"

Does anyone know the source of the phrase?

BTW, great post! I just knew that "gayest place on earth" link was going directly to Pottery Barn...LOL!

Supa said...

"And what's up with reading and shit? One word following the next and shit. A homo musta invented reading. That's some ol' soft shit if I've ever seen it."

Laughing my fucking ass off!!!!

Zeddie! Stop it NOW. And dude, Cost Plus is so not GAY. (is it??) No matter, I love that sto'.

PS - Eating pussy is the manliest it'll ever get, yo.

Hi!

TRUTHZ said...

i wish i had read this before the weekend... you are so silly KZ...you make me laugh cuz you ain't got the sense God gave you..ain't nothing gay about saying "Hi" unles you break your wrist when you do it.

The Stiltwalker said...

'gay ass dots' LMAO you are officially stupid as hell.

i like liquor and tv said...

OMG! I LOOOOVE World Market. I'm in there every week buying up glasses and pillows and candles, and furniture and wine, and nasty gourmet cheese and weird pickled Japanese fruits, and big ol bamboo baskets..I love that place.

ROFL@ you waitin like a B* for the teller to give you your money..lol