Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Unpack Your Bag

This has already been a pretty shitty week for me. My boss broke his fuckin' leg in two places this weekend while refereeing his kids' soccer game. That shit leaves me going for delf. I gotta do my shit (which is basically nothing) plus his shit (nothing plus 9 more meetings a week) for the next two weeks. Fuckin' calcium deficient bastard!

Anyway, the weekend had me contemplating some real shit. The prospect of how much happiness, or my interpretation thereof, is important to me. Would I stay and stick with my two year plan, or jet and move somewhere civilized? It was time for reflection and serious evaluation. There was only one thing to do: Grab my favorite porno and beat my meat.

Now I know you're asking yourselves "Why is this muthafucka staving off serious thought by jerking off? Shouldn't he be meditating/praying on this decision he's trying to make?" Ah, mere mortals. You do not understand the proper thought process. Only a foolish man makes a decision without first emptying his ball sac.

A dude will always make the wrong decision about anything if he's got any semen in his body whatsoever. That's the truth. Every decision he makes will be influenced by women. A cat goes to Subway to get a sandwich and a pretty broad is behind the counter with a low cut shirt. The sandwich he picks will have the most ingredients JUST so he can watch her keep bending over. A man with an empty sac just wants to fuckin' eat. If a dude is shopping for a car, the one that will give him the most broads will be the one he picks, regardless of fucked up gas mileage. If that same man has just blasted an outstanding one off, he'll be more sensible in his decision. A man with an empty sac never proposes marriage. Trust me.

The thing is women always find their way into every decision we make, no matter how much we try to keep it rational. We'll always go back to subconsciously thinking about what will get us closer to broads.

So I blasted off on Saturday. And when I did, I decided to follow through on my two year plan. I also decided not to fuck Carmel again and to finish reading this book I just bought. Good rational decisions, all of which would last for the next 20 minutes. I guess it's not the perfect way to go through life, but if you're a dude, I suggest it the next time you go house hunting.

Be Easy,


Superstar Nic said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Prophetess said...

Zed, I thought I had the most boring job in the world, but sounds like your's tops mine by 2 or 3 points. I hear whatcha' saying tho, because I too was thinking about my own 2 Year Plan -which by the way, turned into an 8 year plan ignorantly unbeknownst to me...

Good looking out for yourself concerning Carmel. Two words describe her: "Cuckoo. Cuckoo." With them babies' daddy games and shit. Please don't get me started. I guess she thought you were gonna be floored by that hot ass blow job she put on 'ya a few posts ago...

Good luck with the book. Actually, you may have inspired me to pick up a book and read something interesting for a change. Hey, you and me both might be inspired to get over the writer's block we've been grappling with.

I'd rather you beat 'ya meat than fuck with Carmel. She makes me think of the Glenn Close character in "Fatal Attraction". 'Member the rabbit boiling in the pot? You aint got no small pets Carmel can get her hands on, while you at work, do you? LOL!

Kissy-poo for you. LOL.

Oh yeah: what did the deleted comment above mine say? You know I'm nosy and just gotta know everything, LOL!!!

nikki said...


a man after my own heart! i too must "flick the clit" in order to clear my head before ny major decision is made.

LMAO@a brotha masturbating before proposing. or maybe you're saying he fucks someone else before proposing. then again, i've gotten a couple of proposals after sex, but that was cuz i'd drugged them.

Sangindiva said...

This post was hecka funny!
I love when you give us a glimpse into
your thought process...
I find it quite inciteful!
LOL @ A man with an empty sac never proposes marriage. Trust me.
I am going to take your word for that!!

Disco said...

Ya know....interestingly enough, I BELIEVE ya on most of this shit! If there wasn't SOME semblance of truth to this, there would never have been the phrase coined 'don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head'...... HA HA!

Keep bussin'.....it's your path to salvation!

Honest said...

*SMH* Your navel, your penis, you contemplated something last weekend.

chele said...

That explains a lot.

If nothing else you've inspired me to put together a plan of my own to start/finish my next novel.

The Stiltwalker said...

ok so basically I need to skeet off myself (I can do it, really) before I try and think through anything? hmmm. not a bad idea.

Anonymous said...

Wow! This post has really opened my eyes! Now I understand why I get more from dudes during the pre-sex shopping trips, than I do during the post-sex shopping...I need a bedroom suite, too...I better get that taken care of early in my next relationship, after the third date, but before the first knookie...

((going offline to study the furniture store sales circulars))

Knockout Zed said...

I think that first post was from Sister Cecilia, my childhood parish nun, who admonished against masterbation for fear of going blind. In any case it was gone when I checked my page.

I gotta read more, I gotta write more. I was gon' blog about my weekend adventure in writing, but that shit might get too boring for you.

I've felt like proposing after sex on a couple of occasions. Of course that was only when I wanted MORE immediately!

I got a pretty sick mind, but it works!

I had to tell you about this theory before. I masterbated before I took this job!

Contemplation is contemplation, no?

I'm glad I could help, even if not personally.

You seem pretty decisive to me already judging by your marriage guidelines.

@On Alli's Phone
If dude was to jerk before the shopping trips, it would be consistent pre and post sex. "Oh hell no! I ain't buyin' that shit!"


DramaFree said...

Heck, do you think self love before making major decisions works for women too??

Anonymous said...

@Knockout-UnHuh, maybe so. But what you need to do is find someone pre-nut to sponsor your couch purchase...Alli should do the same...Do they have Levitz in Satan's Anus?

@Living-I dont know, but Im gonna try it before going to the club...I could write a whole blog about the looney tune dudes I met after a sex drought ((shaking head in shame))

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

Interesting post. So, let me ask you this: What does a woman need to do to clear here mind before making a decision???

i like liquor and tv said...

so THAT's why they're always gone when I wake up? I'm no longer needed?

lol@yall "clearing yall mind". Shoot I usually fall straight to sleep. I don't feel like thinking about anything afterwards.

i like liquor and tv said...

oh and the SUBWAY scenario reminded me of Deuce Bigalow making that chick pick the snails at the BOTTOM of the tank. Dude was even running late one day but he had to go back and see the wet tshirt.

Knockout Zed said...

I don't know. But I'm here if you need an impartial observer, you know, to watch you try the experiment and whatnot. Nahmean?

@On Alli's Phone
Naw, we don't have a Levitt's. We have a Fire And Brimstone Outlet Store. You can't find anything comfortable in there!

Blow her nose. Just kidding!

@Liquor and TV
My boy Three has a very good observation. He says "A horny man's thought process can be likened to a mentally retarded two year old's." I agree wholeheartedly. A hard dick makes a cat do very, very stupid things.

I read an article just yesterday on MSN.COM about a scientific study that found when beautiful women are present a man loses his ability to negotiate. Now science is backin' up Big Michigan!


lyre said...

You are so talented! :-)

And right on point!

A woman shouldnt make any decisions while PMSing either. I have quit jobs, left men, cussed people out, made impulsive purchases ALL in the 3 or 4 days prior to my period. Now that my menses have ceased I am very calm cool and rational. Go figure. It's funny that we are all animals ruled by nature. isnt it?

lyre said...

Oh I must say I am sorry you arent seeing Carmel anymore. I confess I now have told my unmentionable man that I want to "Carmel" him. HA! has him thinkin bout it. ...hahaha

Anonymous said...

da fuck my name get in yours and ChezNiki's conversation?????

and for your knowledge nik....alli got a couch...arrived yesterday!!!!!! niiiiiice.

...and also for your knowledge....alli ALWAYS has a sponsor.

Mr.Slish said...

Bruh you took the words right out of my Fucking mouth.

Usually when im in a relationship and I have to go to the club with the fellas. I usaully bust a quick one before I leave. Why!!! cause if some Buxom fat ass chick catches my eye I'll have a black out!!! and wake up with her titties between my dick or my tongue which ever comes first..

Anonymous said...

"A hard dick makes a cat do very, very stupid things." And a hard dick makes a pussy cat do very, very stupid things.

Little Brown Girl said...

LMAO!!! I knew that...a dude I use to date said the same thing to me and he said whenever he and I made plans to hook up he always masterbated before meeting me. At first I was like GROSS (actually I am still like T.M. muthafukin I) but he explained that it helped him to focus cause otherwise he'd look at me and be like...WHATEVER THE FUK YOU WANT IS YOURS LOL!!

I thought it was sweet, in a sick kinda way. However, now after reading Zed's post I am feeling like it wasn't really about me but just the fact that the semen inside him would have him making irrational decisions and I'd just be in the right place at the right time LOL!!

Great post!

Knockout Zed said...

Every man you've ever gone out on a date with for the first time has masterbated before you've gone out. Think about that. Everytime you go out with a man that has never slept with you, he's masterbated before going out with you. Why? It's not because of his decision making, it's because if you break down and give him the coochie, he doesn't want to bust too fast or appear too eager.

The other time to masterbate is when you go see a woman that you are trying to stop sleeping with so the desire's not there.

When I'm dating multiple women and I tell one that I'm about to go on a date with another one, it's a sure fire way to get sex, head or a handjob. They're trying to eliminate my desire to bone the other chick.



Chubby Chocolate said...

You've just unlocked the secret to why I'm good at making wise, rational, thoughtful decisions....Once again,you've taught me something new.

Thank you, oh, wise Obi-Nut of Lime pants.

Robert L. Mack said...

So not blowing my load explains why I banged out that ugly chick in years past??????

So that explains it!!!! LOL!!!!

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

Have I mentioned that I LOVE your blog? Your bring it. I love it. I wonder if it works for women, too. Anyway, it's good to stick to your original plan and not get caught up.