Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Hat Post

Well, it's winter in North America, fuck what the calendar says. So that means one thing: I'm trying to find a suitable hat to wear on my big fuckin' head. It's hard to hat shop when you're cranially endowed. It's like having a giant casaba attached to your neck. Even if I shaved my hair off (which is forthcoming) my head is fuckin' too huge to buy a hat off the shelf. Right now, I'm wearing scullies. Scullies and suits? Uncool, brotha!

I checked out the ethnic haberdasher (a.k.a. Suit N!gga) in town and he flaked out like most of Satan's Anus does. I went and got sized for a custom brim, he took down the order, and he said he'd call me in a few weeks. I went back a few weeks later and he said "So you want me to order a hat for you?" "Dude, you measured me for a hat weeks ago. Didn't you place the order?" "I musta forgot." OK, Roy Jones, you win this round.

So now I'm running around looking like JFK and shit, all hatless and whatnot.

There are a few simple truths you must know about hats:
1) Any muthafucka that wears a cowboy hat anywhere other than a cattle ranch is an asshole. A certified, unredeemable asshole.
2) Any woman that wears a big hat anywhere but church or the beach is a bitch. A unsatisfiable uber shrew.
3) Unless you're under 30 or in one of those fancy hip-hop bands, there is no good reason to be walking around in a ball cap with an unbent brim.
4) For men, any hat that is not earth toned should not be worn. Period.

That's all I got.

Peace,
KZ

29 comments:

Blah Blah Blah said...

cranially endowed....niiiice
oh wait...your talking about the head on your shoulders...not the head...

aww, never mind.

be back later once the "endowed" part fades from my memory...so i can comprehend what this post was about.... hats? yeeeaaaaaa *hmph*

Anonymous said...

um ... why you wait until winter to shave your head? you better keep those locs in the event Roy Jones flakes on you again.

DivineLavender said...

Are those rules an amendment to MAN LAW?!


Got dayum it....they should!

BZ said...

"unsatisfiable uber shrew"

I love it! HA! And, your girl over here is cranially endowed as well. The fact that I have so much hair doesn't help matters, either. I have been meaning to go hat shopping for the longest, procrastinatin on the difficult ish. I was unpacking more sh*t the other day and found my ice scraper. I was all geeked like, "Yessss!! I don't have to buy a new one!"

Miz JJ said...

Why are you getting rid of the locs? Boo! That idea is terrible.

Angie said...

I love to see a black man under a nice brim. Not short men though - they should not wear hats. : )

Disco said...

hmmm....i dunno man.....black hats do HAVE their place..... :-)

still laughing at cranially endowed

Knockout Zed said...

@Blah
Why would that matter to you anyway?

@Chele
I gotta do it on my timetable, cold and all. Roy Jones gon' get popped.

@DL
Men shouldn't even have to write these laws down! They should just be adhered to.

@BZ
I think your head is mostly hair. Mine is mostly head.

@MizJJ
I'm going back to basics, that's all. It's time to simplify.

@Angie
Whaddya mean? I'm 4'3"!

KZ

You saved on an ice scraper at least. I gave mine to my ex.

Knockout Zed said...

@Robyn
I'd consider black hats earth toned. Adam's ass was black and God made him of dust and shit, right?

KZ

The Stiltwalker said...

My only hat says "Team Huge Breasts". It's pink of all things.

Mr.Slish said...

I remember one day I bought a baseball cap. My lady at the time was like "why are you bending the brim on that brand new hat"..I laughed and just shook my head...

Everytime I see my boy Clipperman wear a baseball cap without the brim bent..I feel like snatching it of his head and slapping his old ass...Wait! I think I did cause he doesn't do it anymore..lol

Anonymous said...

*fainting* "Cranially endowed"

THANK YOU!!! @ 3...can you sell that to the rest of your species please?

Anonymous said...

Listen at you trying to be cute...you better put that hat on and quit tripping. I believe in wearing a hat...you gone mess around and get sick.

*sign* I know...I sound like my mama. I can't help it.

Blah Blah Blah said...

ok..i'm back.

hats? ok...ummmm....you should wear one.

aquababie said...

it took me a while to find hats when my locs grew out. it was hell. but i love a man in hats. one of my ex-boyfriends wore hats religiously. he look good in them.

i wear cowboy hats, so i hope that comment was for dudes only :)

Rashan Jamal said...

I don't look right in hats... I guess I'm the short man Angie was talking about.

And I only wear baseball caps when I need a haircut and I'm too lazy to get one, but it gotta be bent, you right about that.

Anonymous said...

be cute or catch pneumonia...you better slap that skullie on and keep it moving....o wait get one of those hats that the ol' men wear to church that they tilt to the side...no wait...I have never seen one of those hats on anyone with a big noggin...only a pea head LOL

onefromphilly said...

"cranially endowed"
At least you're a man, it's ok to have a big head.
I'm so tired of looking for something to fit my big nugget, last year I bought a coat with a hood. *sigh*

Knockout Zed said...

@Stilts
I think that hat forgot the word "Captain", mama.

@Slish
I thought that shit was done when Shine got convicted. Them brims gotta be bent.

@Beauty
You'd think they'd know, but they don't know.

@TS
Yes, mom.

For the record, I do walk around like a damn clown in my scully and a suit.

@Blah
I know you just called me ugly, I just can't prove it.

@Aqua
Girls in cowboy hats are ready to fuck, soon.

@T Cas
You just eclisped the 30 year mark, so if you were a little ambivalent, that would be ok. Me and Slish cannot by any means sport an unbent brim.

Angie would have to meet my boy Pocket Pimp before she made that statement about short dudes and hats.

@Mack
I hadn't even thought about Brokeback! That's another good reason not to just wear one for the fuck of it.

@Newy
I got a big bodacious head. I need stretchable hats until I can get one custom made. There's not a lot of millinery being done for men. So I can't even give you a pic of a big head/big hat.

@OneFrom
Mama, if you got a big head, you wear it well. Shit, that's the last thing I noticed!

KZ

Angie said...

Who is this "Pocket Pimp" you speak of? LOL

No one by the name of Pockets could get a cut of my ass sellin' money!

Little Brown Girl said...

I love hats!!! No matter the season...I think they are a sexy staple on men and women. A hat...NICE!

Knockout Zed said...

@Angie
My boy, The Pocket Pimp, would be an exception. He's only seen with tall beautiful women. He's immaculately dressed and full of Napoleonic rage. He is The Pocket Pimp. He'd steal your heart and take your loot!

@RD
I'm a hat fan too, once one fits. Not big hats, though! I'm a minimalist at heart.

KZ

Anonymous said...

So ... a cherry red cowboy hat with a burgundy and pink feather in the brim is out of the question? Even for a pimp? ROFLMAO.

Isha said...

Ha! If you came to Cali, where it's still 80 friggin' degrees, you would not NEED a hat.

And every man CAN'T wear a hat, so don't go encouraging sillyness. Have folk looking all silly and stuff.

Angel said...

the director of our division wears cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and a tuxedo jacket for all of our fancy events. he calls it his "cowboy tuxedo..." :-/

i feel you on the hats. especially with locs too. i have a lot of those knitted caps to rock 'cause at least that way, i can either tuck all of my hair inside or just leave it hanging down my back. either way, im warm AND im cute! ;-)

Honest said...

I'm dying here dude. Thanks for the rules on hat wearing. I'll venture out and say that NO one should wear a ball cap with an unbent brim. That's just me.

Chubby Chocolate said...

This post was so fitting for a penile slip. I just knew I would come across is before I got the comments section.

Have I lost you, oh fellow of dry, but hilarious filthy sexual innuendos?!!!

I'll await a pic of you in that hat...whenever it gets made.

Nika Laqui said...

Thanks for tha hat tips...*lol*

Knockout Zed said...

@Monica
There ARE no pimp fashion rules!

@Isha
If I came to Cali, I couldn't dress properly at all. You need fall, you know autumn, to sufficiently dress. All summer won't do.

@BTB
Your director is a homo.

I'm sick of all these gotdamn knit, fuckin' neo soul hats I got. I need something to wear with suits. On the weekends, I'm cool. It's the weekdays that are a problem.

@Honest
I'm with you on the nobody should wear an unbent brim, but I'm giving leeway. I'm an old fogey, and we had our "things" too. African medallions, anyone? Cross Colors?
I can let them have their thing as well.

@CC
I wanted to slip it in (hehehe), but I decided to let it go.

It's the lack of sex that makes my little sexual comments more pathetic than anything.

@Nika Boo
You always fly anyway. You gon' wear that hat in hot ass Dallas?

KZ