Thursday, April 05, 2007

Hand Job

Why does it seem like the gayer the shit you do, the more women love to see you do it? I'm not a high maintenance type of cat, which is probably part of my problem, but I really can't stand preening and moisterizing and shit, trying to reach some aesthetic ideal. I'll compromise on the little shit (aka clipping my razor sharp toenails) but the neatly edged beard and unashy knuckles grinds my gears. But since I'm going to see TAD tonight, I thought I'd do something special in her honor. In lieu of doing something extremely gay like fucking a man in the ass, I, Zedediah Zednanreh, went and got an manicure.

I sat in this plush assed spa waiting for my turn, feeling uncomfortable and out of place. After a few minutes this little blonde chick came out to get me. Her body was off the fuckin' meat hook. I think they lure muthafuckas in with that ass in the hopes they believe a cat will get a "happy ending" manicure. No such luck my friends. No matter how much money I tried to shove in her hands, the manicure was all I got.

It was actually a relaxing experience. And for the first time in months, you can't tell I ate Chee-tos a week ago by looking at my nails.

Maybe I could use a little softening up of the rougher edges. Shit, I am getting more mature. Maybe I should open up to a few more things. I don't care how much prodding I get, I draw the line at eyeliner.

See Y'all Monday,
KZ

22 comments:

Sweet Beets said...

i don't see anything wrong with dudes getting the manis and pedis. my boo gets his pedi when i get mine. gotta keep the feet nice.

TAD will thank you. i bet the nails look nice. make a regular routine.

1969 said...

Nothing wrong with a little upkeep.
Ashy knuckles and knees are NOT sexy Zed.

Cheetos huh?

onefromphilly said...

LMAO @ "In lieu of doing something extremely gay like fucking a man in the ass, I, Zedediah Zednanreh, went and got an manicure."

Damn, it ain't no comparison!! LOL

Think of it like this, you work all week long at a sometimes stressful job that you hate sometimes, you live in a city that you hate sometimes so you deserve to pamper yourself. Next time get a facial and a pedicure too. Hell, that feels good having somebody cater to you!

Plus no woman wants her man tearing up her 600 thread count sheet with his alligator feet.
hahahahaha

Knockout Zed said...

@Sweetbeets
TAD has tried and tried to get me to go with her for a pedi. No haps. If I break down and do it, she owes me big. *eyebrowsmovingupanddownrapidly*

@Sixy
Ashy knuckles are what built this nation. Who picked your cotton and baled your hay? Who built your roads and worked in your factories? Who took your virginity? A man with ashy knuckles, that's who!

@OneFrom
They are kind of similar. I felt so dirty afterwards!

No facials, no pedis, the hands is as far as it goes.

My feet are atrocious though!

KZ

Angie said...

I think you could carry the eyeliner off. heeeheeeheee! But seriously, I love a man with nice hands. It's very erotic. I think I'm obsessed with them. I'll date a butt-ugly man if he has nice hands and lips. : )

Knockout Zed said...

@Angie
In that case, I definitely qualify!

KZ

proacTiff said...

Last week Cheetos? Eww. Seeing how I enjoy man-hand-jobs from time to time, that would not be a good look. Cleanliness is next to hot nekkid secks-n-this (thought I was gonna say Godliness, huh).

I see you keep looking at your damn hands, thinking 'the next time I'll get a clear top coat.'

[LOL] Enjoy your weekend...

aquababie said...

nothing's wrong with a nice mani :) sooner or later, you will have to grease those hands...i promise! LOL

Little Brown Girl said...

Dayum she got u getting mani's and shyt...she must be the one!!!

Next thing you know you'll be getting facials and pedicures, buying expensive lotions and going to spa retreats for spanish mud baths. I see you Zeddie...no mater what you say, you are falling in love my friend. Love makes you do shyt you never thought you'd do. Thats so HOTT!!!

Nexgrl said...

You might want to try the pedi, I promise, you will get more.

I was once able to convince someone as reluctant as you to try a parafin wax pedicure. He refused the manicure, but he had to admit how good that parafin wax made his feet feel.

Anonymous said...

Pedicures are very relaxing and erotic... If you are worried about looking uncool, get it done in another (dub) neighborhood or on vacation. Make sure to get the vibrating chair while they soak your feet... Go with TAD so she can get a gratuitous look at your calves and feet ((nodding and grinning))

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

okay the cheetos got me!! You just made me not want to suck another mans fingers!! YUCK...TAD will appreciate you going the extra mile..in your case kilometer but at any rate she'll notice TRUST ME..did you buy a new shirt or at least clean the one that was the recipient of your last hand job??
ya I remember that shit!!!! nice hands, clean button down..it's ON!!

@1fromphilly..not alligator feet!! I'm DYING over here!! LMAO!!

1969 said...

For the record, I was 17 and so was he...the ash on his knuckles hadn't built up to man status yet.

LOL

Disco said...

If you tried "pruning" them "razor-sharp-talon-like hoofs" you have you might find THAT relaxing too.....it's not gay, it's simply paying somebody to perform a service that you would choose NOT to do (if for no other reason than you CAN pay for them to do it!)

Get them hoofs and nails done at LEAST once every other month....you'll be a better "african" for it! lol

Anonymous said...

Clearly, I'm in the minority because if my man went to a salon and got anything done I'd accuse him of being on the DL.

Me like a manly MAN.

Shai said...

Good hygiene is not gay. LOL. SMH.

I remember a group of my co-workers discussed how women are visual too. We want a clean, good looking man.

We don't want rough skin against ours when we get our sex on, or have nasty nails in our female parts.

Ashy is not attractive AT ALL. Dirty nails, yuck don't touch. Men want a good looking woman, men need to look good to and not just the visible parts.

It is a turnon for many women to have a smooth body, good smelling body approaching them in the bedroom. LOL. Some just don't know or get it. SMH.

Shai said...

I agree with everyone. The manly man part? Give me a break, dirty hands, rough skin ain't manly, its uncomfortable. LOL.

@ZED And who was along side ya, picking cotton, cleaning homes, building families, maintaing homes? Us women. Yet, we found a way to get fresh and clean. Washing dishes, wiping azzes and other stuff doesn't leave us looking too great either but we maintain.


I agree with Robyn, you'll be a better "african" for it! lol

Miz JJ said...

Nothing wrong with a little upkeep. It is nothing compared to what we go through.

nikki said...

a manicure isn't gay-ish. plenty of straight guys get manicures. meanwhile, no straight guy i know takes a dick up the ass. then again, i doubt they'd tell me if they did.

Anonymous said...

Puffy was on Conan OBrien last night (Thursday) encouraging folk in the audience to touch his "very soft" skin, after describing his beauty routine which involved long bubble baths, air drying (dancing while naked), moisturizing and whatnot. Everyone commented that his skin was really soft... poor Kim.

I want to say right here, I am in favor of general upkeep and self care, but excessive bubblebaths and shaving below the neck is taking it too far!

Clean Nails and Feet = That Hotness
Hairless Nuts? = Dateline Special

sj-the-infamous said...

Giggles....

Not a thing wrong with manis and pedis. But if YOU were waxing eyebrows or something, I'd be suspect....

Supa said...

I see you are still.a.fool! Cheetos. Lawd...

Hey Zeddie