Wednesday, April 04, 2007

In The Big Scheme

Sometimes a muthafucka has too much time to think. I always have goo gobs of free time. Free time that I shouldn't have because I'm not following through on plans to do big shit. Most of the shit I'm thinking about is irrational and petty, but they're my thoughts so fuck what you think.

Anyway, yesterday I started thinking about "Famous Last Words", the shit I said that for all intents and purposes ended a relationship I was in. Some shit is so innocuous that you don't think about it being as toxic as it is, other shit you wish you could take back the minute you say it.

I got a million of 'em and some of 'em are so fucked up, I can't believe I actually said it.

"Maybe if you lost 20 or 30 pounds it would stay hard."
"You actin' like a hoe, just like your mama."
"That shit sound shady to me."
"I bought the tickets to this bitch and you sweatin' that *African*? You can stay here and see if he'll give you a ride home."
"You know good and damn well I'm not fuckin' her. She's too clingy."
"Yeah, good luck with that."
"Are you sure it's mine?"
"So you stayin' here both nights?"
"Damn. How old is your niece now?"
"If you think that dude is handsome, don't ever call me handsome. Your taste sucks."
"I can't believe somebody gave you a degree."
"What do you mean you never saw that movie? We saw it together!"

Yeah, I was (am) an ass. But in the big scheme of things, I think it's better that I went down the road I did. All this silly relationship shit made me who I am now.

Stay Smart,


Anonymous said...


1969 said...

ROTFLMAO....Thanks Zeddie! Whew...

aquababie said...

you're crazy :) did any of them have a snappy comeback or something?? like they say " never come to a battle of wits unarmed" :)

onefromphilly said...

Him: why can't you just loosen up and try this position

Me: well if you lost some of that fat on your gut, I could

Him: *Silence*

The End....LOL

Knockout Zed said...

Yeah, I know.

Don't mention it.

Well, the chick I called a hoe like her mama hit me in the head with a golf club. Most of 'em were in stunned silence.

I'm like a fat yoga master when it comes to sex. Wouldn't no woman be tellin' me that. If we fuckin', I can do it.


Little Brown Girl said...

*DEAD* @ "so you stayin here both nights?" U r so ignant!!! LOL!!

My favorite last line was...

"I really dont know who you are...and I think I'd rather keep it that way" This was after 7 years together...Ehhhhhhhhh! Good riddens!!

Knockout Zed said...

I know you got some ice cold doozies. I can tell!


Nexgrl said...

Him: Oh, I see, you are like all
of those other women. You
only care about a man with

Me: I'm gonna show you how I
(I stopped calling. He called
two months later to find out
what happend----had the nerve
to ask could we start over---

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Whoa Zed you were bad!

Great post.

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

Please don't evuh evuh evuh show this list to TAD! I can't figure out which line is worst!! I would definitely want to know the come back lines.. I think the first one is soooo let me get this skrait...u got her in bed..then decided it was her weight that was causing your THANGto go limp??? I have no mo words at all!!!

Disco said...

@GG: too late.

"If you think that dude is handsome, don't ever call me handsome. Your taste sucks."

I remember you telling me that one! LOL

You are an unadulterated mess man!!!!

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

ahh you're just showing off!

DivineLavender said...

Aiight a bit of bite of the losing pounds and it staying hard.

Gangstalicious: You know you would be gorgeous if you lost 50 pounds because you have a natural hourglass shape. Lay off the fries and cheese you can't afford an extra large anything.

Me: *Fighting off the tears and holding my esteem together, without smothering him with my ass on his nostrils* Why not fuck skinny chicks then? I see plenty of skinny, bony pussy around. You Bastard!

I have clearly pointed out all the skinny pussy around and how when they nut and their expression when I am giving them head has nothing to do with my weigh.

Assholeness is fitting at times...but remember KARMA Zed, remember it. Its a circle.

Mr.Slish said...

" I'm content if you stay or go" I got punched in my lip for that ONE!!! Blood all over my

calikim9 said...

Him: I love You
Me: Who
Him : Yes I love you
Me: Have you been drinking?
Him: Yeah, just a little beer
Me: Nah man you smell like you had more than beer.
Him: Look! I love you Kim Taylor!
Me: Who in the F#ck is Kim Taylor?

Miz JJ said...

Whoa. No wonder you wanted to start calling women up an apologizing.

Anonymous said...

Just make good Karma going forward, Boo.

Now, Ive heard some zingers in my day...
"Naw, you too fat to f*ck"
(that's the one I later caught with his boyfriend)

"Your p*ssy means nothing to me"
(that's the one I had eating me out less than a week afterwards)

"This is just eggs and grits! There's no meat! Wheres the sausage!"
(I calmly suggested that he had two options: bring groceries or go f*ck himself. I never cooked for that MFer again.)

...see that's why Im still single ((muttering, shaking head))

Knockout Zed said...

Damn! Just like that?

See? And you thought I was a softie.

Yeah, but it all kicks me in the ass.

TAD has seen it. There's only one thing on this list that has her bothered.

Yeah, I was heated about that. My chick talking about how handsome some ugly dude is. I still get heated about it.

@Miss Ahmad
I'm not showing off. None of those relationship survived. I barely did.

When I said that, I was trying to divert attention away from the fact that I got this other girl pregnant and I really wasn't in the mood for sex. I couldn't get hard and I blamed it on her weight.

I don't give a fuck what a chick weigh if she fuckin'.

You got punched for telling the truth. Ain't that always the way?

I've been in the wrong name quandry myself. I can't even laugh.

@Miz JJ
Ya see? This shit is just the surface too. I manipulated this one chick's self-esteem for the entire relationship just so she'd wait on me hand and foot.

I didn't call 'em so I guess I'll try going forward with good karma.

We all lie about our interest in the pussy. That's the shit that makes y'all want us more. Everytime we care about it, we get that shit rationed to us.


Anonymous said...

Ohhh, Okay! Its that Reverse Reverse Psychology...

((taking notes))

The Stiltwalker said...

relationships do invariably suck. that's why I only sleep with married women. they never bite off more than they can

ps- long time no 'see'!

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

no baby you got it all wrong..its only being rationed to man's antique is another man's treasure *wink*

Knockout Zed said...

There ya go!

Where the hell you been?

Don't sleep. Before I was "reformed" I was natural born pussy-getter. All the time. Don't let this blog shit fool ya.


Gemini Girl aka GG said...

TMI but thanks anyways for sharing that tidbit! :P