Everybody Has One

Sometimes assholes are easy to recognize. Sometimes they're speeding past you in a lane that's going to close soon and they'll try to get to the front of the pack instead of waiting. Other times they take four slices of an eight slice pizza you're sharing with friends and tell you they'll chip in later. Other times they're wearing a uniform and people call them "officer".

Sometimes they are harder to recognize, like when they inhabit your skin.

You can't recognize when you're being the asshole in a lot of cases. When you do recognize it, it's because you're purposefully doing it, it's out of spite and you wanna be the asshole. But there are a million other times that you, yes you, are an asshole of major proportions.

I know a woman that loves me. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's fun to be around, everything I ever wanted. But it's not enough. I can't let myself be happy. So I take it out on her.

My inability to be "OK" is making her miserable. My inability to accept love is causing her pain. And my only response is "Well, try harder. I'll know 'good enough' when I see it."

If I had a female friend that had a dude treating her like this, I'd tell her she should be moving on. But here I am, doing the same shit.

I'm making a promise to her and to myself that I will not be that dude. I refuse to not recognize assholish behavior. I will be better or leave her alone.

Peace,
KZ

Advice From A Drunk Uncle

If you are in a relationship that's not quite right, a stronger commitment will make it SO MUCH WORSE.

If you are dissatisfied and a person tells you "After we're married, things will change", you might as well leave right now. Go get the shit you want from somewhere else. People don't act fuckin' better when they're married.

Marriage is the absolute worse institution in which to try to make things right after the fact. People let themselves go, become more obstinate, and generally don't give a fuck. There's no incentive. What's the punishment for fucking up? Being ALLOWED to be single again? HUR-muthafuckin'-RAY!!!

Communication is the key. Talk to people so that they can specifically identify why they hate you so much. Don't be vague. Speak your mind. Don't let people hate you for the wrong reasons.

If you are going to be in a committed relationship, please don't delude yourself. You settled. The chick/dude you really liked is with someone else. "The one that got away" got away from your mate too. Stop frontin', cozy up with your eighth choice, and make some stupid, marginal babies.

Borrowed pussy is better than bought pussy. Bought pussy is better than stolen pussy. I guess this goes for dick, too, though I have no idea why you'd have to buy dick.

Sanity is a special thing. Those that don't have it, don't know it.


Be Safe,
KZ

Beauty vs. The Blind

Talking about a recent liaison in the movie Broadcast News
Albert Brooks: "He must have been really good looking."
Holly Hunter: "Why do you say that?"
Albert Brooks: "Because no one invites a bad looking idiot to their room."

What power does visual beauty have to the blind?

If a beautiful airheaded woman, who is used to getting her way based on her looks, meets up with a blind intellectual man, what's the result?

I would guess that the blind intellectual would find her boring. But is that really the case? Would the pretty airhead be able to find a middle ground with the man, based on her charm and guile, or would it be lost with out visual accompanyment?

I suspect that the beauty would adapt and find a way to work aesthetics back into the picture, somehow and MAKE the blind man realize she is valued by his sighted peers. Because when the only thing you have of value is nullified, you're worthless.

This analogy is going a long way to make a little point. I'm pretty much in the worthless phase of my life. I'm worthless and I've known this for a while now, I'm just now acknowledging it. Not obsolete, but not of any worth in my current incarnation.

I'm not writing this for pity or for any answers, it's a reminder for myself. When I look at this in a year from now, everything will come flooding back and I'll remember this feeling.

Be Safe,
KZ

Lemonade

Lemonade (lem-on-ayde) n - 1. a drink made from lemon juice, sugar, and water; 2. a sham relationship.

Hey peoples, what's crackin'? I hope everbody has been well, doing what y'all do, achieving and what not. Me? I been bored. When I'm bored, I think. A lot. Think about places and spaces, where I'm going, what I wanna do from here. It's tough. I hate my gig thoroughly, I'm dying socially, working out half assed, but I don't have a clear vision of my next steps. I know what I wanna do, but I don't know exactly how to get there. Make no mistake, I'll reach my goal or else. It's the way I was raised. I can't lose. I won't do it.

The way I operate is everything I truly want, I find a way to get it. It might not be exactly what I wanted, but it's a reasonable facsimile. Living with it doesn't make me feel like I settled for second best or I'm somehow "short".

It's always been hard for me to respect anybody who doesn't go all out for the shit they want. My take is either make a legitimate try for your goal or stop talking about it. Motivate, or shut the fuck up.

It's been that way with women, too. I want who I want, and if she doesn't want me, I keep it moving. That's the way it should be. You shouldn't have to feel as though you're being settled for. There are times, my people, when you are that proverbial lemon. And your mate has decided to make lemonade, 'cuz fuck it, it's something to do.

Now, mind you, if that shit is cool with you, be all means, enjoy the journey. Enjoy being a part of that lemonade. Be the tastiest, tartest, coldest fuckin' lemonade in the world. Just understand that you are that lemon. You'll forever be that lemon. After kids, mortgages, hard times, good times, grandkids, you are that fuckin' lemon. For better or for worse.

Stay Steady,
KZ

Six Questions

1. If your significant other is quick to point out the attractiveness of an actor/actress, an athlete, a model, a person on the street, or his/her sibling's mate, and has never expressed an opinion about your attractiveness, is it safe to assume they don't think you're attractive?

2. Are women happiest when indulging in what I call the "cult of deprivation", when they derive pleasure from denying themselves pleasure? Isn't taking that pleasure in denial a form of indulgence?

3. Do you think you're getting the best part of your mate? Why do you think so?

4. What makes up a healthy sex life?

5. Is foreplay an important part of sex? If your partner doesn't perform oral sex, what constitutes foreplay from them?

6. To paraphrase Donald Ru.msfeld/Gin Rummy (from "The Boondocks"), is the absence of evidence the evidence of absence?

Take a stab at whatever ones you wanna try.

Peace,
KZ

My Fuckin' Head Hurts

What's crackin' y'all? I'm getting ready to enjoy my extra long weekend. It's extra long because I took next week off. I'll be chillin' at the crib, getting fitted for my apnea machine and watching the shameless degrade themselves on TV.

I haven't been writing much this week because I'm in an especially ponderous mood. I can't snap out of it, as much as I try. I can't engage in real world (or cyber world) type joviality, as much as I try.

The one source of frustration is that we all learn everything we need to know after we most need it, especially regarding relationships. Let's say you're kickin' it with somebody. You are giving and kind, putting your best foot forward in the relationship. Yet, the person you're seeing is aloof, standoffish and generally detached. You get no satisfaction from it, so you move on.

In the next relationship you remain reserved and standoffish, hoping not to get hurt. The person you're dating is working under another set of assumptions. They are open and kind to you, perhaps adjusting for THEIR past relationship. This next relationship fails because you're treating the new person like you should have treated the first person. Lesson learned, but too fuckin' late. And you're in this cycle. "Next time, Imma do it differently." Good luck with that.

I've seen a dude scrutinize the shit out of a completely faithful woman because his last chick cheated. She broke up with him and he dated a new chick who he didn't scrutinize at all. She cheated, now he's back to the scrutiny. When's this shit gonna stop?

This shit goes on forever ad infinitum until one day you decide, I'll treat this relationship as if it's any other personal interaction. Just do it, without a predetermined set of behaviors, go into a relationship and react without a script. You might be surprised at how much more fun the relationship is.

Regards,
KZ

In The Big Scheme

Sometimes a muthafucka has too much time to think. I always have goo gobs of free time. Free time that I shouldn't have because I'm not following through on plans to do big shit. Most of the shit I'm thinking about is irrational and petty, but they're my thoughts so fuck what you think.

Anyway, yesterday I started thinking about "Famous Last Words", the shit I said that for all intents and purposes ended a relationship I was in. Some shit is so innocuous that you don't think about it being as toxic as it is, other shit you wish you could take back the minute you say it.

I got a million of 'em and some of 'em are so fucked up, I can't believe I actually said it.

"Maybe if you lost 20 or 30 pounds it would stay hard."
"You actin' like a hoe, just like your mama."
"That shit sound shady to me."
"I bought the tickets to this bitch and you sweatin' that *African*? You can stay here and see if he'll give you a ride home."
"You know good and damn well I'm not fuckin' her. She's too clingy."
"Yeah, good luck with that."
"Are you sure it's mine?"
"So you stayin' here both nights?"
"Damn. How old is your niece now?"
"If you think that dude is handsome, don't ever call me handsome. Your taste sucks."
"I can't believe somebody gave you a degree."
"What do you mean you never saw that movie? We saw it together!"

Yeah, I was (am) an ass. But in the big scheme of things, I think it's better that I went down the road I did. All this silly relationship shit made me who I am now.

Stay Smart,
KZ

When I Think...

about every piece of shit thing that I did, I realize I have no room for self pity in my life. If you don't believe in karma, you really should.

I think about shit like telling women to go to hell when they said they missed me. Dodging 'em when they wanted to see me. And making any women that said they loved me go through an oral exam. Or making women cry when they said they wanted to see me more. In general, being an asshole. 'Cuz man oh man, do you pay when that shit's on the other foot.

I honestly feel like spending my day making phone calls. "How are you? Long time no hear from. Listen, can I talk to you about something? The way I treated you when we were seeing each other, I have to apologize. I didn't take into consideration the way it made you feel. I was selfish and unfeeling. To tell you the truth, I'm apologizing out of selfish reasons, too. I need to feel better, so I sought you out. I hope that doesn't lessen in your mind the profound sadness I feel about the way I treated you. I thought about it from time to time, but I never addressed it. I wanted you when I wanted you. If you wanted me, I didn't think it was important or worthy of addressing. I'm not asking to be forgiven, I'm just apologizing."

Maybe it will be enough to bring them closure, maybe not. But I know the feeling and man, I don't think it could hurt.

Stay Loose,
KZ