My Shit's Still Big and Veiny Like Gerald McRaney

• This dude, advice giver, perm wearer says to me after he stops me leaving a convenience store, says "I like your haircut, it becomes you more than that other style". Thank you perm wearer. Thank you for your compliment on my new hairstyle, perm wearer. I'll be sure to seek out your sartorial advice as I make other changes in my life.

• I spent this week interviewing potential consultants for this big project the city is about to embark on. The consultants are coming in to do the job I do, but of course I don't have the internal capacity to do it. My staff is too small and inexperienced. We had a large panel of stakeholders in on the interviews. Each of these teams had about 5-7 people attend the interviews. One of our stakeholders, after the last interview asks me "Are you the only Black person in your line of work in the State of Michigan?" I laughed. "No, far from it, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed." No, white lady, I'm not the only one, but hiring practices make it look like it most of the time.
  

• I wanna fire my cleaners. Every time I get back a suit or a shirt these days, it has shrunk. No, wait a minute. My bad. My ass is getting fatter. I didn't think it was possible, but it's happening. I think it might be a function of extreme unhappiness, caused by a lack of proximity to my woman and other civilization. I'll be on the track after work today. Fuck this.
  

• Sometimes I just wanna pelt muthafuckas with rotten fruit. Not to punish 'em for any particular offense, but just because. "Why the fuck you look like that?" "What you smilin' for?" "How come your woman's teeth so crooked?" I just wanna fucking inundate them muthafuckas with far flung rage!
  

Other than this shit, there's really nothing going on.

Peace,
KZ

The Proof That Size Matters

I came into work today thoroughly irritated. I finally fell asleep around 2 am, and my alarm clock going off at 6:30 am just set me off. I could barely stay awake. I felt like calling in sick, but I had a gang of meetings, including one at 8:30 am. If I had my druthers (that's right, druthers, muthafucka!!!), there would never be meetings before noon or after 2 pm. Or during lunch. So what's that? An hour window? That sounds about right.

When I parked my car, the stanky flatulent man who doesn't wash his hands was getting dropped off by his wife. I quickened my step. I didn't wanna get stopped by her and invited to their house for dinner again. Plus, she's one of those people with a fat tongue. You know, they always look like they're half smiling because their mouths are always kinda hanging over. And it makes her enunciate like Biz Markie. I abhor talking to that chick. I always wait for her to break out into a beat-box.

I went to a meeting today on regional transportation. There were about 25 people sitting around a big table. One of the engineers, from M.DOT, starting digging up his nose. Not a little discreet pick, mind you, but his whole digit shoved up his nostril and moving around. Ol' school digging for gold. Disgusting, right? You ain't heard the half. This nasty bastard pulled his finger out of his nose, looked at what he wrought, and ATE IT. I know what you're thinking. I'm not lying nor am I exaggerating. After he ate it, he put his finger up his nose again and REPEATED SAID ACTION. Right hand up to G-d.

After that meeting, I got a call from this Executive search firm, vetting me for this position in Miami. I don't necessarily want the position, but I'm pretty much applying for everything that's halfway decent. Anyway, we go step by step through my extensive resume and she's impressed. She loves it. But, she tells me, she's concerned because Miami-Dade is so large and Satan's Anus is so small. I agreed, but I told her that Detroit is much bigger than Miami-Dade and I played a major role there. Who knows how it turns out, I just kinda want to bounce from this scene. I'm not sold or hurricane alley though. We'll see.

Be cool,
KZ

Pretty Gun Talk

Best pic of the ring yet. Finally!

Hey y'all! I know I been slackin' on the blog, but I really ain't got shit to write about for the "real" world. Still working the combinations to the wedding lock. TAD's still doing her damnedest to plan something beautiful and fly without putting us in the poor house. I'm still trying to help, even though it's a long distance situation and all I can really do is offer support. I can't do much of the legwork. Aside from the wedding shit, which will be taking up my conscience (both sub and super) for the next several months, I don't have much shit on my mind.

I'm still job hunting like a beast. I'm dying on this tip. This one city in North Caro.lina just this past Friday offered me a much lesser gig for less than I'm making now. The gig I interviewed for is back up for consideration. They didn't hire anyone for it, but now they wanna hire me for that position's back up. Muthafucka right! My resume is floating around like the murder tape in Menace II Society. I have no idea who might have it.

After my beef with DirecTV, I decided to sign up with Dish Network. It was all set to go, when my apartment complex refused to sign a waiver to allow them to install. They said they changed their policy, and the people who already had dishes could keep them, but their would be no more installed. So if I want digital TV, I gotta stick with sorry ass, piss poor Comcast. I wrote another one of my famous, scalding letters to the owners of the apartment complex. Usually something positive comes out of that shit. At least I dumped their asses for internet service and moved to AT&T DSL.

Why the fuck did I buy the world's biggest egg nog shake the day before yesterday? Trying to catch my favorite shake ever at McD before they stopped selling 'em, I stopped by and bought one on Saturday around 12n. My lactose-intolerant ass has been doubled over with bubbleguts ever since. I get stupid with dairy products all the time, but this time it's been a doozy. It's a good thing I live alone.

Be Steady,
KZ

Ain't Nuthin' To Talk About, Really

Ah, Satan's Anus. Bastion of erudition. It cost taxpayers $3000 to fix this fuck up.

My short children's story about a little girl losing her cat, Whiskers, has now been rejected by every major publishing house in America. I know it's good and I'm not changing the title for anybody. If you have a clean soul, "Where's My Pussy?" is not an inappropriate title.

I'd really like Ma.rion Jones, B.eyonce, and Kir.sten Dun.st to form a coalition against the proliferation of baby teeth in adult women.

Cliff, if you can afford to hire bodyguards, you can afford to not own personal guns. I'm just saying...

Too bad Tameka couldn't Xscape.

N.A. is living the Hollywood Dream. God bless that woman.

I was at Homecoming this weekend. What part of "Naw, that's ok." don't you understand?

I think I'm about to buy a single serving coffee maker for my office. So I can drink the good shit without sharing. Yeah, I said it, I'm selfish. No Ethiopian for you!

Now if I can only clean up my freakin' office so I have a place to put the coffee maker. Sheesh.

Sometimes I wonder if my dry cleaner ain't just using Dryel on my shit.

I get paid for 40 hours every week. There's not enough actual work in this town for me to REALLY work 3 hours every week. And you'd have to create and elongate shit just to make it to 3 full hours.

I'm bored. Bored and disgusted. I'm looking for gigs like crazy. The interview process for municipalities is so long, as soon as you forget you applied for a job, they call you.

I've been late to work 5 times in 8 days. I've mentally checked out.

Peace,
KZ

Pieces And Bits

Racial Profiling In the Digital Age
I got a request for an interview from this city in VA on Friday. They sent me a webcam via FedEx and asked that I do a video interview with them through this company called HireVue. I went to HireVue.com with the webcam attached, logged in using the special code they sent me, and I answered the questions they laid out for me. This way their cheap asses don't have to bring me to VA to interview and they can reject my Black ass, ensuring I'm Black by the video footage, and act like I had a fair shot just like everyone else. My stars and garters, this technology is more than a notion. At least I get to keep the webcam. Stay tuned for video blogs!!! (Or not).

Runnin' Trains
Fuck Amtrak. I was supposed to pick up TAD from the train station at 8:50 pm on Friday. The train came at 11:00 pm. Amtrak owes me 2 hours of sex and debauchery. I don't know how this quasi-governmental agency expects to pay me, but I want my shit, Africans. They held up her train for no good reason. This is the second time they've shortened my weekend and had her too tired to give up the goods on Friday. That's foul, Amtrak. Fuck y'all!

The Best Laid Plans
Me and TAD kinda tooled around West Michigan doing Dub shit, over in this artsy, uber gay community, window shopping and shit cuz we broke. We were going to this comedy show in Satan's Anus to see Tony Woods, who's kinda funny. But we got home, got lazy, started drinking and then we were no good to anyone.

Timbo Suit
I forgot about the site visit, and I'm wearing a suit. I gotta look at the specs laid out for a new road to be built in Satan's Anus and I forgot about it. I spent the morning trudging through a heavily forested area because the nearby residents are afraid that a new road will encroach on their ability to enjoy SOMEBODY ELSE'S FUCKING PRIVATE PROPERTY, PROPERTY THEY BOUGHT SPECIFICALLY TO BUILD UPON. But my boss asked me to go, and like a good indentured servant, I went. In my navy blue suit and Cole Haans. Priceless.

I'm out,
KZ

Kin.g Sh.it of Fu.ck Mo.unta.in

Things I know that I know:
When people stop asking you for shit, they are getting it from another source. Pay fucking attention!!!!
Everybody gets more complacent and unwilling to change the older they get.
If you don't believe you're worth it, you won't be treated as such.

Things I didn't know I knew:
People tell you everything you need to know about them, within a few weeks, even when they don't say a word. Pay fucking attention!!!
People are brave in the stupidest ways.
Superstition still outpaces good sense and consideration.

Things I wish I knew:
How do I get what I want from what I got?
How much is enough?
How close am I to getting what I want?
What else do I have to do?
Is this the best I can do?
Why am I waiting for the shit I want when I can get it if I really want it?

Things I used to know:
You can't trust THEM, no matter how cool you think they are.
Don't trust anybody, actually.
Marriage ain't magic.
I always deserve better than I'm getting.
Mediation reveals.
There's always another store open.

Advice From A Drunk Uncle

If you are in a relationship that's not quite right, a stronger commitment will make it SO MUCH WORSE.

If you are dissatisfied and a person tells you "After we're married, things will change", you might as well leave right now. Go get the shit you want from somewhere else. People don't act fuckin' better when they're married.

Marriage is the absolute worse institution in which to try to make things right after the fact. People let themselves go, become more obstinate, and generally don't give a fuck. There's no incentive. What's the punishment for fucking up? Being ALLOWED to be single again? HUR-muthafuckin'-RAY!!!

Communication is the key. Talk to people so that they can specifically identify why they hate you so much. Don't be vague. Speak your mind. Don't let people hate you for the wrong reasons.

If you are going to be in a committed relationship, please don't delude yourself. You settled. The chick/dude you really liked is with someone else. "The one that got away" got away from your mate too. Stop frontin', cozy up with your eighth choice, and make some stupid, marginal babies.

Borrowed pussy is better than bought pussy. Bought pussy is better than stolen pussy. I guess this goes for dick, too, though I have no idea why you'd have to buy dick.

Sanity is a special thing. Those that don't have it, don't know it.


Be Safe,
KZ

I'm Convinced...

that I don't realize how unlikeable I can be.

that the way some groups deal with other people's grief is self-serving and unconscionable.

that black men that grow up with their fathers learn what it takes to be a good husband and father, even if they don't do it.

that black women learn from their mothers what it takes to be a good wife and mother but don't abide by it, because they don't value the dudes they're with.

that black women in the music industry could learn a thing or two from Anita Baker. Pretty much the same hairstyle since '85 and still rockin' the set. I'm pretty sure I didn't know what anything but her face looked like until I saw her in person this weekend. It's not the look, it's the talent.

that if I don't fix my fucked up attitude, I'll be stuck in this hellhole forever.

if I was more delusional, I could be a happier person.

that I'll never trust anybody more than 48%. People are fucking dishonest at heart. They'll lie to you on their deathbed. Actually, I think people are so self-delusional they couldn't find the truth if they had a map and a GPS unit guiding them.

that I've gotta be boring. I'm bored with everybody else, so I must be emitting the same shit to other folks.

the best writing I do (off-blog, that is) is when I'm pissed. I need to bring the heat to finish this damn book.

that Petey Greene was the truth. I loved "Talk To Me". Don Cheadle deserves that statue next spring, yo.

that combing one's hair is overrated.


Stay Real,
KZ

America Is Weird, Yo

Yesterday in Detroit, the NAACP buried the "N" word. I'm from Detroit. Trust me when I say some Africans did some grave robbing last night. Them n.igga.s don't play!

I will guaran-fucking-tee you that if you took a poll right now more white people are madder at O.J. Simp.son than Osa.ma Ben La.den. O.J. killed two people.

I'll go you one further. More white people are madder at Bar.ry Bon.ds than at Osa.ma. B.arry Bond.s has killed zero people.

Mark McGuire? Lovable scamp.

How come black people stopped claiming Paula Abdul? If we take 'em fabulous, we gotta take 'em flawed.

I have a new "nanny reality" show to pitch to the networks. It's called "Dr. Black Grandma". She only has one prescription for what ails your kids. "Whup dey monkey ass!"

You know what I never wanna talk about for the rest of my life? My fuckin' haircut.

Attrition is underrated. Good fuckin' riddance from the workforce, baby boomers. Don't let the door knob hit you on the way out.

I was looking at pornography the other day and got bored, which, I do believe, is the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

The shit I hate about small towns? I went to court today for a traffic ticket. The officer didn't show. In Detroit, that means the ticket is dismissed without prejudice. In Satan's Anus? They reschedule your court date. That, my friends, is utter bullshit.

Watch these little pundit shows on cable. The muthafuckas shouting the loudest about "the culture of victimization" among minority groups shout the loudest about being victimized by everybody else. I guess it's all in who's doing the suffering.

Salt is cheap as hell. Can we make cars that run on salt? Just a stupid ass thought.

We need a Bureau of Missing White Women, so the rest of law enforcement energies can be directed on other shit. I'm just saying.

I personally have seen in the past two weeks, in crowded social situation, at least four white men dig up their asses to retrieve errant underwear, then continue in conversation as if nothing is happening. What the fuck is that? What part of the game is that? For real, hustla?

I'm Out,
KZ

Bullets

In no particular order, the shit that has gotten me through the week....

• $2 L.I.I.Ts at Bennigan's
• My glasses
• A-Dub, one of my assistants
• Central air
• Maxwell House
• The Pharcyde's "Otha Fish"
• Common's Like Water For Chocolate CD
• Lunchtime meditation
• The first (and only) season of The Ben Stiller Show DVD
• Sweet, hot pornography
• "Fleshy"
• My new BBQ grill
  
• My boy Hutty complaining about his son
• My dreams
• Indian food
• Friday

Man, I'm glad this week is over.

Tighten it up,
KZ