Friday, October 05, 2007

Everybody Has One

Sometimes assholes are easy to recognize. Sometimes they're speeding past you in a lane that's going to close soon and they'll try to get to the front of the pack instead of waiting. Other times they take four slices of an eight slice pizza you're sharing with friends and tell you they'll chip in later. Other times they're wearing a uniform and people call them "officer".

Sometimes they are harder to recognize, like when they inhabit your skin.

You can't recognize when you're being the asshole in a lot of cases. When you do recognize it, it's because you're purposefully doing it, it's out of spite and you wanna be the asshole. But there are a million other times that you, yes you, are an asshole of major proportions.

I know a woman that loves me. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's fun to be around, everything I ever wanted. But it's not enough. I can't let myself be happy. So I take it out on her.

My inability to be "OK" is making her miserable. My inability to accept love is causing her pain. And my only response is "Well, try harder. I'll know 'good enough' when I see it."

If I had a female friend that had a dude treating her like this, I'd tell her she should be moving on. But here I am, doing the same shit.

I'm making a promise to her and to myself that I will not be that dude. I refuse to not recognize assholish behavior. I will be better or leave her alone.



Blah Blah Blah said...


It's always good to recognize your asshole-ish-ness.

Hoping now that you recognize it...
A change is goin' come....?

Peace Out ASSociate.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

you forgot to mention that assholes also fart!

Just as a side note..

Well hopefully during your meditation and downward facing dog positions you find that part of you that isn't an asshole and never was an asshole and let him come play in your relationship..

Lemme see your yoga pants!

1969 said...

We joke around over here all the time but on a serious tip.....Don't sabotage your future happiness because you

1) think you don't deserve it
2) are scared that you'll eventually f*ck it up anyway
3) are afraid of your past actions repeating themselves
4) are scared of getting hurt and opening up

You and TAD deserve better. Also, if she's made it this far....DUDE, she loves you and vice versa.

onefromphilly said...

Then BE better dammit!

This ain't a dress rehersal. This is the real dayum deal. We have ONE time on Earth to do this shyt. And ain't nobody I know that died come back to tell me differently. (whew...english???)



aquababie said...

it's good to hear this. don't chase away your happiness.

proacTiff said...

I say, own up to your asshole so you don't get fucked in it in return. No one purposely gives their ass to kiss without some subtle issue that's not being dealt with. Either your ass or the other party's. Seriously, Zed, I feel as though I know exactly where your ass-hold-up-ness is coming from. I tried to be an ass to my spouse before we married to no avail. Now, I am in a position of feeling like an asshole based on my feelings and dealings. He doesn't deserve it. Why do I continue: Subconsciously I seek to punish myself and learn from the experience. I long to understnd the world and the way the shit works - shooting for the stars (or, on the negative side, choosing a mate completely wrong for my assholish ways) because it seems to be a part of a bigger plan.

I'm so fucked up...

sj-the-infamous said...

Now that you fully recognize, what are you going to do different, that will be "better?"

Mr.Slish said...

@ Pro you're not fucked up your just like 85 % of the married couples in America...The "How did I get here"

Zed man you will always be an asshole...Its a part of you....Embrace it I had to embrace mine.

Everytime I tried to shake it..I would become frustrated and more angry..So I learned to let the asshole out for Just causes...

If this woman loves you and I mean truly loves YOU. She will see that the asshole in you is a necessary evil.

Unfornatley my ex(BNY) couldn't see that. My current(shawnla) has learned to use it to her advantage...

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

1969 said it best...especially because you feel you may not deserve it...but we all do... we deserve second chances to correct all the fuck ups of the past..we all feel this way at least I do... lets get tshirts "this asshole accepts love, bring tissue" u b alright..the fact you admitted it gave you kewl points...don't leave just be better k? godblessandgoodnight

Angel said...

"I'm making a promise to her and to myself that I will not be that dude. I refuse to not recognize assholish behavior. I will be better or leave her alone."

on behalf of all women--THANK YOU Zed...