Wednesday, March 21, 2007

When I Think...

about every piece of shit thing that I did, I realize I have no room for self pity in my life. If you don't believe in karma, you really should.

I think about shit like telling women to go to hell when they said they missed me. Dodging 'em when they wanted to see me. And making any women that said they loved me go through an oral exam. Or making women cry when they said they wanted to see me more. In general, being an asshole. 'Cuz man oh man, do you pay when that shit's on the other foot.

I honestly feel like spending my day making phone calls. "How are you? Long time no hear from. Listen, can I talk to you about something? The way I treated you when we were seeing each other, I have to apologize. I didn't take into consideration the way it made you feel. I was selfish and unfeeling. To tell you the truth, I'm apologizing out of selfish reasons, too. I need to feel better, so I sought you out. I hope that doesn't lessen in your mind the profound sadness I feel about the way I treated you. I thought about it from time to time, but I never addressed it. I wanted you when I wanted you. If you wanted me, I didn't think it was important or worthy of addressing. I'm not asking to be forgiven, I'm just apologizing."

Maybe it will be enough to bring them closure, maybe not. But I know the feeling and man, I don't think it could hurt.

Stay Loose,
KZ

27 comments:

BZ said...

FIRST?!?!

Karma can be a b*tch! But, it can be the greatest thing when you change your ways and start trying to live right.

I straddle the fence on the apologies. For some, it will help bring them closure and the thought would be appreciated. For others, it will make them think (no matter how much you try not to let them) that you're trying to get back with them. For them, it's better that they just despise you.

But, analyzing our past, learning of negative patterns and the way they affect our present - - that's some grown man sh*t right there.

*huggs*

Angie said...

My Zeddy's growing up.....weep...cry...tears....tears..LOL
You are going to be an awesome man, father and mate when/if you continue to "allow' yourself to grow and change. I love this shit!

Knockout Zed said...

@BZ
So you really think I should just let it go?

@Angie
I hope it's just a phase. LOL

KZ

calikim9 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
calikim9 said...

Karma is indeed a B*tch, but it teaches you and helps you to respect and appreciate people around you. Karma makes you remember not to do or say things to other people that you don't want done or said to you.

1969 said...

If your heart is telling you to apologize then you must need to do it. Go ahead.

Some of it, you should chalk up to a lesson learned and go forth and "sin no more" according to the good Book.

Hindsight really is a b*tch. We have all done things in relationships that we regret. I live with a few. The best thing is to grow from it and not let the past sabotage our futures.

onefromphilly said...

I agree with BZ.
Sometimes poking around in the past just opens up old sores. It might just be better to let them hate you.

Now if you run into any of these women and you feel like apologizing in person, then by all means. But a cold call from the past is like being blindsided. Now I'm a volatile kinda sista, so I can't speak for everyone. But when the past decides to call me up and apologize for some ole dumb ish from the past.. my most likely reaction will be to want to kick his a$$ all over again. Wasting my time trying to clear your conscience!! *hmph*

But that's me....

Miz JJ said...

Everybody makes mistakes. You learn from them, grow and move on. I had one ex call me to apologize for treating me not so nice. I was so bored. After he was finished I just told him he taught me a lot. Like to never put up with shit ever again. And then I hung up. Hmmm...maybe I was kind of bitter. Good luck!

calikim9 said...

Zed, if you are calling women to apologize because you want a clear conscience, have you really learned a lesson about kindness and unselfishness? Are you informing the women that the same sh*t you pulled on them is now being pulled on you, and you realize how selfish and inconsiderate you were?

Gemini Girl aka GG said...

I would leave it alone..what u've learned about urself is more important, go from this day fixing the karma for the generations in front of u..u can duck, duck, duck, duck, then bam GOOSE all your life and that shit will still come back to bite ya because of something your granmomma on ur daddy's side did to your cousin from alabama while she was pregnant!

Anonymous said...

Wow. For real, if my first husband were to call me and apologize for being a bigamist it would really give me some serious closure. I've already forgiven him but to actually here him say, "I'm sorry" instead of making excuses would be great.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

i have had to make some of those calls and baby lemme tell you it ain't easy and no sometimes your apologies are not accepted with open arms but what does happen is that you get to actually talk it out and learn from your mistakes and get that chip off your shoulder:-)

XOXO!

aquababie said...

for me, it would depend on my connection to that person. when i found out the ex-boyfriend i spent 4 years with cheated on another woman (when the heifer called me), i needed an apology from him. when i learned of that betrayal, i swear i couldn't eat for three days. after i talked to him, cussed him out and heard what he had to say, it's like i was free. i know it was merely psychological.

if you feel the need to make things right, do tread lightly. folk react in different ways.

BZ said...

Yes, I think you should just let it go and start new. I know 12-step programs require you to apologize to the people you've hurt. It's one of the ways you acknowledge the damaging nature of your behavioral patterns. But, you already know it was damaging and that it was wrong. And you want to change. And, somehow, I think that you working to alleviate the guilt will only result in reopening old wounds for some of the women. Bring new karma with a new path. That's my advice.

Anonymous said...

I heard in a song once that "Karma is a true avenger." I believe that shit whole heartedly.

DivineLavender said...

It all depends...everyone said it already....I want you to answer


*Are you informing the women that the same sh*t you pulled on them is now being pulled on you, and you realize how selfish and inconsiderate you were?*


That will help you dig in deep and plant in nourishing ground, ya dig? (figuratively and literally)


-DL

Mr.Slish said...

HOLD UP!!!!! You guys don't see whats going on here!!! Thats right Its Slish In the HOUSE!!!!!

WOMEN wake up!!!!!! The only time a brotha starts thinking about all the triflin shit he did to women is when he is currently in love with a woman. Thats whats going on here!!!! Zed is in love and he wants it to last....: )

Go ahead call those broads. It won't make you feel better. Believe me I know. Just pour all this emotion into your future. Your past is your past. We all do fucked up shit. Why feel sorry now when at the time you weren't sorry..Feel me.

Go call your sweetie. Tell her Daddy's home and he's here to stay...

Anonymous said...

@Slishy - Great minds think alike.

@Knockout - Yeah, Boo. You are definitely in love!
;-P

Apologies to unstable women can cause stalking. Negative Karma bites those who engage in repeated intentional negative behavior... do good from now going forward, build some good Karma, dont look back.

calikim9 said...

Zed, the fact that you are in love is very obvious,so what are you going to do about it?

Knockout Zed said...

@Calikim
Karma is a dog, fed daily. How it treats you depends on what you feed it.

@Sixy
Another one for not apologizing.

@OneFrom
Yet another for not apologizing.

@Miz JJ
And another one...

@Calikim, again
I'm not informing them of shit. I'm telling them "my bad" and hopefully they'll be cool. If not, I'll feel like I tried to make amends. So yeah, it's really all about me.

@GG
Damn, you brought back the psychological horrors of duck, duck, goose back so vividly! Just don't torture me with a musical chairs analogy. I can't take the pressure.

@Chele
You really have forgiven him? He'd be Clint Eastwood up in this bitch if it were me. (That was a reference to the new western classic "Unforgiven" in case you missed it.)

@Miss Ahmad
Is that another "no"?

@Aqua
One for "yes".

@BZ
Stay consistent, mama! Thanks.

@Anon
Karma surely rules the day.

@DL
How about inviting me to your blog? How'z about that?

It's not that the same shit is being pulled on me. I just realized that if someone has a soft spot in their heart for you, you gotta be more careful with how you deal with them. Especially if they aren't being rude or overbearing.

@Slish
Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend, Mr. Slish! I can't believe my eyes!

This ain't love talkin', this is realizing how everything hurts more when you're emotionally vulnerable. It seems like an obvious fact, but somewhere along the line I'd forgotten that.

You votin' for me to call? That's a good sign.

KZ

Knockout Zed said...

@Chezniki
Can you convince that great mind to start blogging again?

I'm not in love!

@Calikim
I'm not in love!!!!!!

KZ

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

you are so in love it's almost comical and that was a vote to make the call...do something take action make a move, you won't regret it!

aquababie said...

i actually would vote no...
and yes..you've got it bad....that's cute!

calikim9 said...

Zed, You only live once. I hate to see love wasted, be that Grown Azz Man that you are and make a move.

Shai said...

You had Slish coming out and commenting. Wow!

It is good you are seeing the big lesson here. Too bad it took getting hurt to see it.

I can say if a guy that hurt me said he was sorry, I would have to see if he was sincere.

We all make mistakes, ironically when we nonchalantly do it, we get the boomerang smacked back.

Anonymous said...

I already tried.

Me: Please Slishy, at least open a MySpace! For Gwad sakes throw us a bone!
Slish: NEVER!

But you know he hardheaded. He'll come back when he's good and ready... probably next month just before his birthday... d*mn Tauruses!
:-P

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

Kudos, Zed.

Get it out of your system. Go on and give them a call. You get a clear head, and they get closure. It all works itself out. As long as they know upfront, you're not trying to rekindle anything, everything should be good to go.