Hey peoples, what it be like? I'm just getting back to the office from a doctor's appointment, trying to see if I can stop the woman repeller that is my awful, awful snoring. Looks like I gotta participate in a sleep study to see if I got The Apnea and whatnot, so that'll be splendid.
So as I drive back to the office, I realize, there is no sweeter torture that is being dished out anywhere in the world, not at A.bu Gh.raib, not at Gu.antanamo, not by Ja.ck Bau.er, than that of driving in Satan's Anus. I bullshit you not, I've driven in NYC, Chicago, DC, ATL, and the retiree capital of the world, the great state of Florida, and there are no worse drivers on the planet than the denizens of Satan's Anus. How the fuck are you driving an Impala 10 miles below the speed limit in the far left lane? The only time most of these muthafuckas tap their gas pedals is when the light is yellow and they try to make it. They are inconsiderate, they cut you off, they drive parallel to you for miles or they hover in your blindspot. All in all, they suck. They suck so bad, they almost made me forget what I really want to talk about.
I want to talk about your kids. Yes, your kids. Don't look around thinking I'm talking about somebody else. I'm talking about you. *tappingthemonitorwithmyindexfinger* Hey, proud parent: Fuck your kid!
I have no real tolerance for my sister or my mother telling me about my nieces and nephews little adventures. I feign interest because, hell, I love my siblings and by extention, love their children. That doesn't mean I care a whole hell of a lot if they said something cute or appear to be precocious.
Now, that being said, why the fuck do I give a fuck about some unrelated muthafucka's demon spawn and their ability to wipe their own asses? Or the fact that they know their fuckin' alphabet. I don't give a fuck what little Jasper said to the milkman last Tuesday. Fuck little Jasper! Be fuckin' considerate. How boring is that story to me? Think about me for once, dammit!
And while I'm on the subject, wrangle those little bastards a little better. I don't need your fuckin' kids looking at me like I'm a gotdamn safari animal as I'm waiting for the doctor or eating at a restaurant. The minute you see 'em standing in front of me staring and they're over the age of 2, grab 'em, or I'll be ready to shove 'em back from whence they came.
Wow, I can't believe I had all that stored up in me. As you were.
So as I drive back to the office, I realize, there is no sweeter torture that is being dished out anywhere in the world, not at A.bu Gh.raib, not at Gu.antanamo, not by Ja.ck Bau.er, than that of driving in Satan's Anus. I bullshit you not, I've driven in NYC, Chicago, DC, ATL, and the retiree capital of the world, the great state of Florida, and there are no worse drivers on the planet than the denizens of Satan's Anus. How the fuck are you driving an Impala 10 miles below the speed limit in the far left lane? The only time most of these muthafuckas tap their gas pedals is when the light is yellow and they try to make it. They are inconsiderate, they cut you off, they drive parallel to you for miles or they hover in your blindspot. All in all, they suck. They suck so bad, they almost made me forget what I really want to talk about.
I want to talk about your kids. Yes, your kids. Don't look around thinking I'm talking about somebody else. I'm talking about you. *tappingthemonitorwithmyindexfinger* Hey, proud parent: Fuck your kid!
I have no real tolerance for my sister or my mother telling me about my nieces and nephews little adventures. I feign interest because, hell, I love my siblings and by extention, love their children. That doesn't mean I care a whole hell of a lot if they said something cute or appear to be precocious.
Now, that being said, why the fuck do I give a fuck about some unrelated muthafucka's demon spawn and their ability to wipe their own asses? Or the fact that they know their fuckin' alphabet. I don't give a fuck what little Jasper said to the milkman last Tuesday. Fuck little Jasper! Be fuckin' considerate. How boring is that story to me? Think about me for once, dammit!
And while I'm on the subject, wrangle those little bastards a little better. I don't need your fuckin' kids looking at me like I'm a gotdamn safari animal as I'm waiting for the doctor or eating at a restaurant. The minute you see 'em standing in front of me staring and they're over the age of 2, grab 'em, or I'll be ready to shove 'em back from whence they came.
Wow, I can't believe I had all that stored up in me. As you were.
KZ
14 comments:
Evil ass. LOL I hope you are blessed with five rugrats.
Okay He's Back. That happiness shit didn't last too long.
@Sixy
And I'll talk about 'em all day. Then I'll try to sell y'all my daughter's girl scout cookies.
@Anon
I'm still happy. Happy I ain't got no kids!
KZ
People who have kids think that their children are fascinating. They could not be more wrong. I use to have interesting conversations with women I went to university with, now all they want to talk about is breast feeding, or little Tommy's first day at school. I agree with you. Think of me. Why would *I* find that interesting? I wouldn't and what's worse is that you know that I wouldn't. Don't joke after you finish telling your loooong ass story how I probably don't care. Bitch, you knew I didn't care ten minutes ago! Ahhh...that felt good. Thanks Zed.
@Miz JJ
See what I'm sayin'? That's what I'm talking about. The funny way your daughter says "Gand-ma"? Not funny. How she took a dump on a tablecloth during a family cookout? Not funny. All I ask is for a modicum of censorship, an internal "would this be funny to a 36 year old childless man?" check before a story is told. That's all.
KZ
So I guess that mellow, happy dude is gone. . .. but you remember this day, remember how you ranted about the kids, cuz when you have your 4 you besta not say a word about what they did or said the day before. By the way, there is no driver on the planet more inconsiderate than a NYC taxi driver. . .its because of them I became the aggressive, wisha muthafuka would driver I am today.
My kids are fascinating, so kiss my ass, Zed.
Off topic: I sense a really familiar voice in the building.
I hope you don't have sleep apnea. It ain't cute. The C-Pap machine you will be connected to every night of your damn life if you do have it is hell on a sex life. I won't say how I know this. Again, I hope you don't have sleep apnea.
The snoring is bad, but pretty easy to take care of (lose weight, sleep on your stomach, less dairy and alcohol, sleep nose strips to open the airways... or you can just buy TAD some earplugs), but actual sleep apnea is dangerous, so Im with Angie, I hope you dont have that.
Cant beat Boston driving where 1.no one signals, ever, 2. everyone driving is either impaired, under 19 or over 90, and 3. they have multiple rotaries, even on the highway! Add that to the Big Dig, the one way streets in the toruist areas and the weekly water main breaks, and well...
I wont even speak on the children's story issue. Just print out this post, save it and pull it out when you come home from the hospital with little Zedrina or Taddeus... so you can laugh at yourself.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
I hate kids too.....and I have THREE .. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
i feel the same way sometimes. but i think when i have my kids, i will totally change that thinking. i think having children, right after falling in love, makes you stupid. LOL
Wow, I'm glad you got all that out of your system...lol And you just wait til you have your own. You will be telling those same stories. And best believe, not everyone is gonna give a damn, just like you don't. Its a circle, hon.
@OSB
I killed off the sedate Zed. It's Knockout, baby!
My kids will be precious jewels, manifestations of God's love.
NYC taxi drivers are most heinous, but they'd explode in SA.
@Chele
I meant to write "everybody but Chele's kids", but I forgot.
Really? Whose voice is it? Is he arrogant and mean-spirited? 'Cuz I think I hear him too. IN MY HEAD!
@Ang
I think it's a distinct possibility.
@Chez
If I talk about my seeds like that, you have permission to hit me with a cast iron skillet.
@OneFrom
Other people's kids are always worse. When you can effectively discipline them, it's better.
@Aqua
I don't like talking about relevant shit to people, and I hate small talk, so I can't imagine it'll change that much when I have kids. Who knows.
@Beauty
I'll bet I don't. I'll bite my own tongue off!
KZ
Hahaha!! So funny! And oh so true!!
I'm all caught up, by the way...beginning to present. You've come a long way. :)
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