Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Can They Smell It?

When I was 19 years old, my girlfriend hit me in the head with a golf club. I don't play golf, but unfortunately, my roommate Hutty did. So when I, as an arrogant undergrad without any apparent reason to be arrogant, decided to tell my girlfriend that hanging out with her girls all the time made her "look like a hoe like (her) mama", she decided to hit me with a club and run.

I grabbed the back of my head and got a sick feeling at how wet my hand got. I ran after her. I was going to beat the fuck out of this woman. There was no doubt in my mind, I was about to put my foot in her ass without remorse.

Just as I caught her, right outside of my dormitory, the campus police were driving by. They slowed down and turned on their sirens just as I reached her, clutching her arm and leaving a bloody handprint.

"Ma'am are you o.k.?" She looked over at me smirking. I looked at her terrified. She had me where she wanted me. I was going to jail.

"Yeah, I'm fine." The police drove away slowly, looking in their rearview.

A year later I proposed to her. My first time. We thought better of it after a while and eventually went our separate ways.

Today I got a call from my secretary. "There's a Tigress Woods on the phone for you." Tigress? Really? That's insane.

"Hello?" "Hey Boot, are you busy?" Boot. I hadn't heard that shit in almost 15 years.

"Tigress? What's up? What's going on with you? How'd you find me?" Google. That damn Google. You can't outrun Google.

She gave me the rundown. Two kids, newly single, living in Northern California, teaching school. I gave her my little 15 year synopsis. Yeah, I was married. No I'm not anymore, but I will be again soon.

She reminded me of a promise we made to each other when we broke up back then. That we'd call each other if we'd ever gotten married and were newly single to see what was up with the other person, to see if there was still that spark there.

Of course I'd forgotten about that shit up until she reminded me. I sincerely meant that at the time, but fuck, we all say and REALLY mean stupid shit when we're young. Like telling her she was a hoe like her mama.

She was sorry she'd "just missed me" in her estimation. And we continued to catch up on small talk.

This isn't the first time in the past few months that I've gotten these "out of the blue" phone calls. They seem to be increasing in frequency. That's a helluva way to start a morning.



Blah Blah Blah said...

I can't be googled.
My name is SO waspy that there are like a bajillion gajillion of me.

However, your the HNIC in the Anus/Dtrait/Michigan area...you can be found just like THAT!

She's lonely after all these 15 years... sad. Who does that shit?

... ooh ooh ooh...lonely girl....

1969 said...

When you get a good thing....the past always tries to rear it's ugly head and veer you off course.

Keep on driving Zed....just keep your eyes on the road.

onefromphilly said...

Yeah that "remember when" shyt is real cute. As long as they speak their piece and keep it moving. As much as I may get tempted to call a former special person from the past, I just can't do it. What if they really don't want to be bothered or don't share the same fond memories??? I don't like getting my feeling hurt!

Aly Cat 121 said...

why you call that girl mama a hoe? Yeah you gotta watch the "outta the blues" you know that's a test don't you? *lookin at you*

aquababie said...

that was nice she wanted to catch up. but to call for booty after 15 years?? LOL dude if you thought they were coming out the wood work...

proacTiff said...

Spooky. Devil don't do no new shit. Lucky for you, nothing is better than p*ssy except for new p*ssy. In Tigress case, she's old news. ITA with 1969. Keep your eye's on the prize (and the road) because all this is par for the course. She can't whack you over the phone, unless you count her "remember what we had said was" line. So glad you didn't break the bitch neck for that shit. BTW, do you have a spot in your head where the hair won't grow?

Beana said...

wow. who goes back and calls someone on a "remember we said lighy years ago".

I like how pro put it. "devil dont do new shit" thats the truth.

Knuckle up dude, its gon get worse before it gets better.

ChezNiki said...

Google says I am a track and field star from the midwest ((shrugging))

Even though I already said it,


And to answer your question, Yes they can smell it, see it and feel it, like an ex-girlfriend, underground sonar or something...

...at least you werent propositioned by an ex over a MySpace message ((shaking head, holding forehead))

Happy New Year!

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

yes we can smell it!

It's just what people do, especially newly single people. sometimes when it's time to get back on the horse and hit the single road, it seems like a better idea to go back to what was once comfortable than to forge ahead and find someone new.

Sooz said...

Newly single + you're getting hitched = crazy calls/encounters. Get ready for more before the big day. It just means that you're on the right road. :)

Devil doesn't try to mess with you when you're already doing mess! ;)

Disco said...

Not the Tigress Woods! WOW!!!! Blasts from the past....why do they have to pop up??? LOL KInda like Ladyday on my end.... lawd!

Shai said...

It's is always like that. The vibrations are pulling them in. You are open and happy and tests are being pulled your way.