When I was 19 years old, my girlfriend hit me in the head with a golf club. I don't play golf, but unfortunately, my roommate Hutty did. So when I, as an arrogant undergrad without any apparent reason to be arrogant, decided to tell my girlfriend that hanging out with her girls all the time made her "look like a hoe like (her) mama", she decided to hit me with a club and run.
I grabbed the back of my head and got a sick feeling at how wet my hand got. I ran after her. I was going to beat the fuck out of this woman. There was no doubt in my mind, I was about to put my foot in her ass without remorse.
Just as I caught her, right outside of my dormitory, the campus police were driving by. They slowed down and turned on their sirens just as I reached her, clutching her arm and leaving a bloody handprint.
"Ma'am are you o.k.?" She looked over at me smirking. I looked at her terrified. She had me where she wanted me. I was going to jail.
"Yeah, I'm fine." The police drove away slowly, looking in their rearview.
A year later I proposed to her. My first time. We thought better of it after a while and eventually went our separate ways.
Today I got a call from my secretary. "There's a Tigress Woods on the phone for you." Tigress? Really? That's insane.
"Hello?" "Hey Boot, are you busy?" Boot. I hadn't heard that shit in almost 15 years.
"Tigress? What's up? What's going on with you? How'd you find me?" Google. That damn Google. You can't outrun Google.
She gave me the rundown. Two kids, newly single, living in Northern California, teaching school. I gave her my little 15 year synopsis. Yeah, I was married. No I'm not anymore, but I will be again soon.
She reminded me of a promise we made to each other when we broke up back then. That we'd call each other if we'd ever gotten married and were newly single to see what was up with the other person, to see if there was still that spark there.
Of course I'd forgotten about that shit up until she reminded me. I sincerely meant that at the time, but fuck, we all say and REALLY mean stupid shit when we're young. Like telling her she was a hoe like her mama.
She was sorry she'd "just missed me" in her estimation. And we continued to catch up on small talk.
This isn't the first time in the past few months that I've gotten these "out of the blue" phone calls. They seem to be increasing in frequency. That's a helluva way to start a morning.