Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Gratis Smack

Niggas don't lie! Don't tell muthafuckas it's yours! Don't even fake it like you thought of it first. When you tell niggas about this, and you will tell niggas about this, give me my proper credit. Just say "This nigga I know named Zed came up with that." I'll know if you did or not.

Now let me get to the brass tax. "What is this cat talking about?" I have an idea that I'd like to propose. One that will revolutionize racial relationships in America. I have a solution for the issue of reparations in this country. All I need to do is to propose it to the Congressional Black Caucus or some shit like that.

I propose the "Gratis Smack" in lieu of reparations. Let me tell you how this would work. Once a month for the rest of our natural lives, we get to smack the shit out of a cracka without any reprecussions whatsoever. One time, each and every month. Sitting at work, the boss comes over to you and asks "Where's that report I asked for?" You can reach back and smack the fuck outta that pink faced bitch! One time every thirty days.

This shit would be free so it wouldn't adversely affect the economy. White people would be more polite to Black folks if they realized there would be some immediate reprecussions to the shit they do WITHOUT ANY RETALIATION ALLOWED. Black people would be much happier knowing they can get some small measure of revenge on the oppressor. A white dude cut you off in traffic and you just used a gratis smack? Follow him home and wait a month. As soon as you have a gratis smack credit, go to his house and knock on the door. Watch the fun ensue.

How would this work? Well, every time you smack a cracka, they'll call the police. You know they gon' call the police. The police checks your record to see the last time you smacked a cracka. If it's a legal smack, you're good. Simple as pie!

You say to me "Zed, nigga you think I can be bought off so cheaply with a monthly slap? My ancestors suffered you fuckin' miscreant!" And I say to you, nigga, "What are you getting right now?"

I know what you're thinking. That black muthafucka has too much time on his hands in Satan's Anus. You'd be right too. But admit it, you like this shit. Tell your family and friends. Maybe we can start a movement.

Peace (or not),


Pamalicious said...

What a way to start the month - now a question what if two come at yah - very close together so it looks like one - can you do a wide reach slap and knock two of the bitches out at one time,lol

As well as can you take on slaps for those who are unable to fulfill their duty to slap - say the invalid. you know go down to the hospital and gather up slap records for the infirmed and then go about your duty making sure they get theirs?

What about teaching your kids - can they get practice slaps until they are say 10 at which time their slap record kicks in and they are responsible for thier own slaps?

Can slaps be carried over or traded for goods and services. "I'll give you my slap if you fix my brakes"

just let a sista know!

Knockout Zed said...

The slaps are non transferrable except for in the case of children and the invalid. You are responsible for using your children's alloted smacks. And you can be granted "power of attorney" to use an invalid relative's smacks. Smacking two people at one time is a violation of the spirit of the Gratis Smack. Smacks cannot be hoarded. You MUST use your smack the month you earn it or it will be forfeited.

Yes, I have thought about this for a long time.


Melle Mel said...

Yes, Zed you have way too much time on your hands... but you have my vote - I'm down with the Gratis Smack!

The_Practitioner said...

Smacking seems a lil feminine to me. Can I upgrade my smack to a Timberland Booted kick in the flat ass region?

Yes, I'd very much prefer the kick in the ass methodology. ;o)

Knockout Zed said...

Trust me when I say the smack is perfect.
1. You can use it equally regardless of the sex of the offender

2. Nothing emasculates a man quicker than slapping him like he's a bitch. "I don't even need to punch your punk ass."

3. It's endorsed by the Pimp community, the most aspired to demographic in the black community.


Blah Blah Blah said...

*shaking my head*

Zed Zed have too much fucking around time in Satan's Anus...and one helluva imagination... (imagine this....*smile*)

This revolutionary and something to be mulled over. If we could tweak it a little...we might can get away with it.

Let me know what happens after you talk to the Black Caucus. Specifically the:
Committee on Law & Justice,
Committee on Business & Finance, and
Committee on Ethics...
President Rep. Mary Coleman (MS) and Vice Pres. Rep. Calvin Smyre (GA) and Sen. McKinley Washington (Special Assitant to Pres...from SC)...might be able to spear-head your cause black man!!!

NameLiar said...

May we include ass kissin' Uncle Toms? There are a few niggas that I think would need a good slap every now and then too.

For example, one of my all time favorite Uncle Toms, Bryant Gumbel/Gumble, however he spells it. His ass wouldn't stand by and let his wife get slapped, so he should get the treatment she gets. Its only fair, they are united in marriage as

Freaky Deaky said...

Sounds like a great idea but by the time it got through Congress it would probably get watered down from being able to legally smack whites to just shaking your fist at them.

~ Eclectic Soul ~ said...

LMAOOOOOOO @ to just shaking your fist at them...


Thinkin I'd have trouble narrowing mine down!!!

DramaFree said...

oh, I hope this becomes law. I'd have a slap reserved every month for our assistant business manager. I bet she wouldn't send me any more nasty emails...

TRUTHZ said...'s good to be back... i've missed your crazy stories

Superstar Nic said...

LOL, you are too much for me!

I just wanted to let you know that all of my friends that reaad my blog always ask me about you and tell me that they think you are hilarious every time they see you comments!

Jameil said...

sorry. i've heard this already. i don't think you can take credit for it. the children's allotted smacks part is new, though and quite hilarious.

twin said...

I agree with your post dog. I have had many a keeblers I would love to smack along with some "We" brothers and sisters. Let go to DC and march. Since we will never get our 40 acres or the mule.

My-Conscience said...

Just stopping by to say hello. I catch up with my daily reads later

brooklyn babe said...

No fair. Everybody would be in line to smack Bush!
I would never get my daily smack in...

Disco said...

Dawg!!! Did you write this ESPECIALLY for ME or what??????

indeed. let's start a movement and callit the "Love Movement" ! HEH HEH!!!!

Cause I would loooooooove to smack the shit outta the damn white-ass mutha's I work with IN PARTICULAR to make me feel better.

Again....did you write this for ME???

Anonymous said...

I LOVE IT!!!! Lets march to Capitol Hill and get that Bill passed and in full effect. IMMEJIATELY.

Can we smack any race if they are acting like the oppressor or just cracker ass crackers?