Thursday, July 06, 2006

Soft Serve

So she called me. Again. It's the twelfth call that she's made that I've ignored. I won't pick up the phone. I'd rather be an asshole than to overtly be the bad guy. So I'm letting her call me, unabated. Work is hectic and I'm having shit dumped at my feet because no one wants to think for themselves. I'm seething with anger. My work life and social life sucks.

I check my Comcast e-mail account and there's an e-mail from her. The subject line reads "Am I Being Dissed?". Let me think. I don't know about you, but if I call someone 12 times over the course of a week, leave messages, and they don't call me back, I'd assume I was being dissed. Hell that's just me. But to top it off, you send an e-mail asking if you're being dissed. I think you might be too stupid to live.

I read the e-mail. "I feel like you're ignoring me for no good reason. This is just mean. You're hurting my feelings. I can't believe you'd be so cruel to me."

Right there, my 243 viewings of "American Pimp" and my Too $hort CD collection go out the window. Fuck Knockout Zed, I'm Zedediah, loving son of loving parents. The man with 2 sisters and 4 nieces. The dude that sang "Happy Birthday" to his 3 year old niece in the Grad School library on a pay phone. I'm diggin' in my pocket for the keys to my ice cream truck. I'm Mr. Softee.

"Hey, Shelly, what's goin' on?" "Hey Zeddie! Where have you been? I've been calling and calling..." "Yeah, I know. Shit gets hectic."

And with that, we solidified the plans for her to come see me this weekend.



blue butterfli said...

Awwww... You're so sweet!! (LOL)

While you're in this "soft" mood, can I get...

Just kidding, KZ. I would neva eva eva try to take advantage of you while you're feeling all sensitive and shit. (hehehe)

Be sure to let us know how the visit goes. You KNOW she's g'on get on your nerves IMMEDIATE-LY don't you? You DO know that, right?

La Mariposa Azul

Little Brown Girl said...

I can't fukkin believe your going through with this. *rollin my eyes*

Hope you have a shytie weekend!!!

I'm very FUKKIN disappointed in you Zeddie and don't you dare try to blame this on me...Don't you do it! Shelly hunh? Ain't this some shyt!

BKBajan said...

You will have the weekend from hell and she will neva leave you alone but this proves you're a sweet guy at heart. By the way, I have a bridge for sale at a bargin price when you get to NY.

sj-the-infamous said...

Damn, she got her birthday gift...

Blah Blah Blah said...


...Zed is playing the-wonderful-lovey-dovey-wanna-make-you-have-a-happy-birthday-fake-ass-boyfriend role this weekend....

Have fun my friend.
...and since she's so hard up...SHE might buy you that couch for me to lounge around and fall asleep on, just sing happy birthday to her in that soft "uncle Zed" voice you did for your niece.

yea yea already told me i'm mean

Rashan Jamal said...

Yo, cut my man some slack. It's hard being the bad guy. Y'all women can be relentless sometimes.

That being said, I expect Monday's post to be chockful of "what the fuck was I thinking?" and "this crazy girl did..."

Shit, we all be there, homey!

NegroPino™ said...

Pass the popcorn!!!!!!!!

Prophetess said...

Ooh!Whew! I am so glad you'll be (finally) getting some bootay this weekend, because your moods lately have been depressing, LOL.

The girl was not gonna give up, was she? Damn. Gotta give it to her, tho'; she's finally gonna get her man...

This game we call Love... I'm keeping my hands clean.

1969 said...

You caved? You big softee....LOL

I can't wait for Monday's post!

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's because I just started reading about this situation and am missing some background or something, but I don't get what's so nice about leading on a woman that you aren't really interested in. I also don't get why you just won't say, "I don't like you that much," or something to that effect instead of just ignoring her calls after telling her that she can come visit you for the weekend. Honesty would save you both a lot of time, and it would be the mature thing to do. It would also be a lot less insulting to Shelly than pretending to like her and then mocking her on the internet.

chele said...

Are you freakin kiddin me?????????
You were home free! You were right there! You let her run that guilt BS on you! OMG!

Okay sorry.

First of all, what would have been the worst thing that could've happened if you didn't call her? Hurt feelings? Big deal! She's grown, right? She would have gotten over it, my friend.

Guess what? After you invariably give her the brush-off after this weekend she's going to feel worse.


chele said...

I still love you, but damn!

DramaFree said...

You know you're going to be her man after this weekend, right??

Knockout Zed said...

I'm all gooey for pitiful women. You ain't eligible!!!

She's on my nerves right now.


I'm dreading it already. This is gonna be the worst shit ever.

Would any self respecting woman write an email like that to a dude she's not kickin' it with? She got her present, but at what price to her self respect?

Yeah! She gon' buy me a muthafuckin' couch!

I ain't postin' Monday. I'm gon' act like nothin' happened. "What weekend?"

@Ill Nana
No stories on this weekend.

She ain't gettin' none this weekend. I'mma be on my period.

Trust me. I am not posting on Monday.

Wow! That was food for thought. I think I'm gonna do just that! Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways, kind blogger.

Hey, didn't you read? AfroChelle just showed me the error of my ways. I'm about to change my whole life and join a Benedictine monastery.

The weekend will be the beginning of the Golden Age of Enlightenment. Won't you join me?


Knockout Zed said...

Nope. I'mma fuck hard and cum fast. That'll teach her!


iron said...

congrats, you're about to have a full-time stalker!

Chubby Chocolate said...

I believe you're pulling our legs (don't go anywhere with that Zed...I blog know you too well!) and by the next post, we'll all read that Zed has returned to his regularly scheduled program of boning, dissing and and dismissing. Can't wait for the VISIT post.

Knockout Zed said...

I hope she's not stalking. I'd hate to have to fuck her to death.

I tellin' you I'm not writing about her visit just like I didn't write about your visit.


Anonymous said...


You are soft.

I cannot believe that you would entertain someone with such low self-esteem and self love, Zed.

She is pathetic. Sorry, but today is apparently 'Judgemental Thursday' in the mind of CG...

chele said...

LOL ... Golden Age of Enlightenment.

You know we're all going to be lined up like hungry puppies on Monday, right?

Anonymous said...

man, i tell you! you shouldn't have done that. quit playing with this chic. but can't she catch a clue?

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

could you pass me some cheese with that WHINE!!

Gee Whiz Zed, using your 3 year old niece as an excuse to bed some crazy bitch who has done everything shy of sending you a text message that reads...

Have I told you that I'm a Crazy Bitch yet?

Get a grip brother!
and get a damn couch!

Knockout Zed said...

CG? Et tu, bootay? Not you too, mama! Whatever you say I should do, I'll do it. You wanna be on the 3 way?

I'm tellin' you I'm not writing on Monday. I'm gonna act like nothing happened.

In high school, my best friend was a 5'2" cat with thick glasses that everybody called "Alien". In college, my homeboy was a insecure, ultra-obnoxious cat that everyone avoided and hated to be around.

I brought both these cats into my circle (which was square, but ultimately popular) because I feel sorry for the underdog.

The fact that she has no one to be with on her fuckin' BIRTHDAY except this bullshit ass *African* who obviously has no regard for her is sad. I'm sorry, I can't help it.


Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
I'm sick of you holding back your feelings!!!


Damn, Miss Ahmad. My niece was (is) cute as hell!

I'll see what I can do. About Shelly and the couch. Kapeesh?


Knockout Zed said...

"...and then Fillmore Slim said, 'Aww that's just my B-Team. My A-Team will be here tomorrow!' And they were."

-American Pimp

Blah Blah Blah said...

BTW~ I like the background color WAY better....

Nika Laqui said...

Why you do her sooo cold and turn around and get soft?...If you do something stick to it....

*lol* "Are you dissin me?"

What the hell does it feel like?

You must be the only man in her life...or the only one that gives it to her good, that she will want it for her b-day...

Knockout Zed said...

Thank you.The green was fuckin' my eyes up on my laptop. This works better for me too.

The more I think about this, the more clarity I need. I just didn't wanna be ripping her fuckin' heart out.

If I'm the only man in her life, that's sad. I haven't "been" with her in at least 18 months. She just wanna get fucked for her b-day.


Honest said...

ohhhh I can't wait until this w/e and I'm not even going to be there. :-). Good Luck dude.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

okay fine Zed! I'm gonna get me a stalker in your honor. Just some random dude that calls me after the thrill is gone and demands more of my time!

Somebody to blow up my phone and email me all kinds of crazy shit, send me pictures of themselves...and then when they come see me, I'm gonna fake like I really like all that crazy shit so that they never ever stop being a stalker of me!

It's gonna be awesome!

Knockout Zed said...

It's gonna be smashing and shit. You'll see.

@Miss Ahmad
How are you gonna get a stalker? I'm your damn stalker!!!

And I want more time!!!

BZ said...

31 comments on the same day as your original post? WHEW! Your popularity would have me disbelieve that your social life is sh*tty at the moment! You got mad people supporting you (and tryin to keep you away from that kryptonite this weekend!). Save yourself! NO more toxic relations! :-)

Knockout Zed said...

Hey, nice initials!

As you can see, these comments are equally me and our fellow bloggers. I like the back and forth dialogue with my cyber-friends.

I tried that avoidance of toxic relations thing. It's tough when you're in the wilderness. You'll take anything that floats by.


i like liquor and tv said...

YOU go boy! ^5

I don't know much about the young lady, but she sounds like a nice, decent, church-going lady. I can tell she's got a good head on her shoulders. Sounds like you found a catch.

Knockout Zed said...

@Likker 'N Tube
Thanks, wiseass!


lyre said...

I dont know what to say. But I have to agree with Afro. You should have, if you truly do not like her or want her, just told her that there is no relationship nor friendship. and gone on and found someone more accepting of your type of attention. I pray she never learns of her mockery on this public forum by other women no less.

Knockout Zed said...

I'll try to clear something up:
At no time have I told her there was more to our relationship than there is. It has always been about sex. I've said, out of my mouth, face to face, it is just a sexual relationship. When she called me a couple of weeks ago in Chicago, talking about the possibility of being lovers, I said it again.

At what point does a 30-something year old woman take responsibility for herself. I have neither said nor acted in a fashion consistent with a man that wants to be with her. Yet, I'm being called out for mocking her obviously foolish behavior.

C'mon, GBM. As sorry as I feel for her, she did this to herself.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

there's a term called co-conspiritors it's often used in Law & Order reruns, are you familiar with it?

This chick sounds dumb as rocks when it comes to the relationship department honey, but playing along with her makes you apart of the problem not the solution.

i think she's an example of what women should never ever ever do no matter how lonely or horny, and you're an example of...

it's it's easy take it twice:-)

and i mean all of this in the most loving way possible Zed!

ChezNiki said...

Thank Gawd!!!
Youre finally gonna get some a$$!
(wish it was me...getting some, I mean)

...Look, Girlfriend does sound hella desperate. But like my Gurl back home useta say, "A Frank Beats a Blank"...well youre not getting a frank...I hope, because the only thing worse than a post gastric bypass would be a post op tran, but you know what Im saying... us proud, do good work and get your couch...

What's the word for this weekend?...SCOTCHGARD, My Brother, SCOTCHGARD!...LOL

BKBajan said...

The most anticipated post EVER will be the one you post on Monday and brotha you besta post up about yo chick. No lame azz excuses or ignoring the fact will be tolerated. If you think you got nuff comments today, wait until Monday, I'm tickled already. Damn, this is what our (and I mean all Zed's blogger peeps) life has come too. Zed, you have us hooked. . . . Monday it is baby

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
I know a lot of women, if the situation were reversed and it was money instead of pussy, that would let a fool and his money be parted.

I know what women say, but I'd be a fool not to watch what they do.

I'll tell you what, I'm not going to just say it, I'm gonna do it. I will call her after my community meeting tonight and ask her explicitly what she wants from me. And then I'm going to tell her (if it differs from dick) what she can expect (dick).

Would that settle this once and for all? Because this is no different than 50 other conversations we've ever had.


Knockout Zed said...

A post op tran? Don't wish that shit on me!

I ain't fuckin' and if I do, I ain't tellin'.

We'll see what's up after I call her. I think this weekend will be a bust.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

Zed you are my favorite read I swear! you tell it like it is, but it's just so damn funny to watch someone whose life is just as crazy as mine unfold!

good luck with shelly man. just the way a man will say close to anything when he's close to gettin' some, so will a woman, so no matter what she says just hope she doesn't show up with all of her clothes and try to move in with you!

'cuz I've pulled that move more than once:-) maybe i'm that crazy as chick!

or at least maybe I have been have.

Robert L. Mack said...

You sound like me and my ex southern belle right about now...I'm not ignoring her or nothing but I know the inevitable is coming.....but you trippin if you dont talk about it on monday...come on now...go ahead and crack her "shell"....

DramaFree said...

Oh no, if you fuck her hard, you will have a girlfriend AND a stalker on your hands after this weekend! Good luck with that! lol You might want to put the police on speed dial before she gets there.

Anonymous said...

I know that some women will take advantage of a man for his money or whatever, but that's wrong too. She is either really pathetic or likes you too much to see how stupidly she's behaving, but taking advantage of that for sex or leading her on in anyway is just ugly. I think that if she knew how you really felt about her (like the fact that you don't even like her face and laugh at her online)she would probably stay home. I doubt that anyone, no matter how lonely, would choose to spend their birthday with someone who felt that way about them. You definitely aren't doing her any favors.

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
This is fuckin' incredible. I'm on the phone with her now.

You've never been this crazy!

I hope you haven't ever been in this situation.

I'mma buss as soon as I stick it in. You know, the usual.

Thank you for your kind words.


1969 said...

You absolutely have to post about it on Monday. Now that you've stirred up all this controversy and brought us all this could you not post?

You can't be a softee AND a tease?

Anonymous said...

I hope she doesn't have terrible STD and is trying to pay you back, or anything like that...

Have fun anyway!

Anonymous said...

[insert sinister laugh track here]...

nikki said...

aww DAMN. you should have just stayed mean. now you gonna be bitching about her visit.

wait...that's a GOOD thing.


Anonymous said...

Read your blog all the time, first time posting. Be carefull of this one. I have a friend in Philly who this happens to all the time. One stalker woman after the other. He has actually married two of them, because they hung around long enough to wear him down. They show up for a birthday dinner, or after work drink, or to help him with his computer, next thing we all hear that the broad has moved in,WTF!!!! Watch out, we women are good at this game. Better than you can even imagine. However.....this tactic has never worked for me! LOL

Knockout Zed said...

On Monday it'll be like nothing happened.

I ain't fuckin' her. She could have the super-janklies. It won't matter.

That shit was like kickin' a puppy. I couldn't do it.

I remember marriage too well. I don't take that shit lightly. Forever is a mighty long time.

I get that women in general are smarter than men, especially with shit like this. She ain't got it like that.


Anonymous said...

so what time does she get there? LOL

and i did as you suggested. i spilled my guts and did thefreak meme...all in one week.

Angel said...


"too stupid to live?"