Monday, July 17, 2006

The Leg Tour

KZ: I don't know what it is. I'm just irritated by everything. I can't fuckin' help it.
Robyn: It's lack of pussy, *African*!
KZ: Ya think?
R: C'mon man. I know you. It's lack of pussy.

Is bludgeoning legal yet? Has anyone marched and protested for our right to beat muthafuckas to death? If not, I think I'd like to organize that rally, because it's a right we are sorely lacking.

I gets (yeah, I said "gets") to the "D" around noon on Saturday. I decided that I'd only be hanging out on Saturday because of this major snafu that the County of Satan's Anus made and the City of Satan's Anus (a.k.a. Zed) has to ficks. (sidenote: I'd like all words that end in "x" to now end in "cks". I'd also like all words that have "ee" in the middle to be spelled with "ea" and vice versa.)

So I drive to Belle Isle, thinking I'd be awash in a sea of Pink and Grean. No such luck. The Rock is fulla church groups and family reunions. No sorority stuff.

So I call Jigga. "Man, what's up? I don't see any AKAs on the Rock." "Aw, man, they're not having a picnic." "When did you find this out?" "Last night." "Well, why didn't you call me?" "We wanted you to come anyway. We knew you would flake out if we told you about the picnic."

Right then I cursed the lack of the rights for the bludgeoner. I'm officially in the pro-bludgeoning camp now.

So Jigga wants me to club and hang with them later that night. I can't. I was only coming for the day, so I'm underdressed and plus I fuckin' hate clubs. I called Three when I got to Cobo Hall, epicenter of the Boule. I'm just watchin' women and being tall and shit. Three and his boys wanna hang, hit some spots to play pool and cuss, and go to a Tigers game. I love the Tigers, but it's 95 fucking degrees outside. So I go to my old standbys.

I call Charlize Theron. No where to be found. I decided to take the Leg Tour. First I called the 5'11" Big Fun. She wants to see me around 4:00 pm. It's only 1:30 so I gotta find something else to do. Then, I called the 5'10" Lillie. She wants me to go to this free concert with her around 8:00 pm. Cool. It's all cool.

I fuck around at Cobo for a little while and bounce to a couple of malls to see if I can find club gear, just in case I decide to hang with my frat brothers. No such luck, but 4:00 pm approaches, so I head out to see Big Fun.

*Icky stuff omitted for your reading pleasure*

I left Big Fun's crib around 7:00 pm. I'm headed downtown and my phone rings. It's Lillie. "Can you meet me downtown now?" "Hell yes!"

I meet her at Orchestra Hall and it's good. Very good. It's a very festive. She's holding on to me and I feel good. Cats is lookin' and ice grillin' me. Honestly, I feel like myself for the first time in a very long time. When I'm ready to head back to Satan's Anus, she walks me to my car in the parking garage. Somehow I discover she's pantyless. Somehow.

*Some other stuff omitted*

I headed back to SA around 9:30 pm feeling much better about finishing half of my two year plan. I know this next year won't be so bad.

Stay Lucid,


Newy said...

*rolling my eyes* you did two chics the same night...uggggggggg you ain't gotta lie craig *neck roll*

Disco said...

two words.



Blah Blah Blah said...

No lucidity...unclear, insane and irrational!

Knockout Zed said...

Where I did I "do" two chicks? I just "saw" two chicks.

I hate them all. Jigga, Mini-Me, et al.


Knockout Zed said...

What did YOU do this weekend? Bad girl!


Disco said...

Honestly, I feel like myself for the first in a very long time.

That line is very telling....

See..... I TOLD YOU ....I know you African!!!!......deny it if ya wanna. I diagnosed THAT shit in 2 seconds flat. That'll be $100 .....(covers my diagnostic service fee... HA HA!!)

And ..uh.... I BET you feel betta don'tcha? LOL (don't say you don't......) :-)

Luv ya Zed!

Blah Blah Blah said...

I no do naw-TING! Naw-TING!!

1969 said...

The sage Chris Rock says "New P*ssy always clears your mind"

Glad you had a good weekend Mr. Z!

onefromphilly said...

Don't you just love it when good stuff just falls in your lap??? hahahaha
It makes you fell like skipping. LMAO

Knockout Zed said...

Great diagnosis, but you gets Nathan Quintilly!

I'm ready to conquer the wurld!
(also, world should be spelled with a "u")

When I see you in August remember: a handshake is as good as a hug.

Chris Rock: modern day prophet.

The time away makes everything "new".

Everything even tastes different! Well, not EVERYTHING.


A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

double dipper huh?

and i thought that was only a constellation in the sky:-)

Knockout Zed said...

@Miss Ahmad
My older brother, Geronimo, told me something when I was 12 years old. I used to lie about not being a virgin. He said, "Never lie on your dick 'cuz one day it won't work when you need it to."

That being said, the omitted portions are not me fucking, per se , it's just stuff y'all would probably not wanna hear in any real detail.


The Stiltwalker said...

Dang. You deal with some tall women. But let me know when the Assbeating rally starts. I'm all for that.

Newy said...

You and your freakin words games you may not have dipped in the parking lot per se *eye roll* but lil zed may have still gotten wet...

Knockout Zed said...

Don't get me wrong, I've learned to like women in every shape, height, complexion, etc. But I used to seek out women I could look at nearly eye to eye.

I destroyed my "You must be this tall to ride" sign.

I'm trying to beat muthafuckas like "Invictus".

Ummmm. OK.


aquababie said...

i would like to see the omitted portions of this entry. i know it was some type of bodily exchange. somebody had they mouth on someone else's body part.

BZ said...

Glad you had a good time this weekend and that it didn't entail too many fake titties or stinky pinkies! *kidding*

Rashan Jamal said...

ah shit, yo boy did you dirty!! But at least you were able to salvage the weekend. Glad you are feeling like yourself again.

i like liquor and tv said...

hey, i'm tall..let's do it

Robert L. Mack said...

*hands and arms out in front of computer like .what. *

Come on now Zed, you my man 50 grand, but why you leaving stuff out? You know I'm nasty so I want to hear what happened..

but in any event, sounds like you had a good weekend.

Angel said...

DAG!!!!!!!!!!! when you play, you play HARD, huh???? that's what i'm talkin bout!!!! aint nothing like some toe-tingling and ear-ringing to make a muhfcka feel like SANGIN!!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL

Nika Laqui said...

FINALLY got some secks....
Its about DAMN time...

I wanna hear the icky stuff...

Aren't you glad your frat brothers lied to you to get you there?

Mr.Slish said...

Zed Gimme that gushy ushy stuff. I'm hummin that Shawna song..Hum it with me bruh I was gettin some LOL...

Why you bleep out all the good stuff..C mon Man!!! I have to live vicariosly through you. lol

~ Eclectic Soul ~ said...

Dangit, I'm only 5'7... but I've got some 4-inch stilettos... *horns*

Glad you had a good weekend. ;-b

Butterfly Jones said...

Because you got it like that....!

Knockout Zed said...

There is a woman that will be cross with me if I write in detail. I'm gonna try to be a little less graphic (today).

There was no fakeness in sight.

I'm heated at those cats! I really feel like a live dude again. It gave me some swagger back.

@L and TV
We can do it. You bring the fried chicken, I'll bring the frisbee.

I'm tellin' you, if I spill my guts, I'mma be gettin' hate mail for the next week.

I just need to know I wasn't a complete fuck-up. This weekend served it's purpose. Part of the story I didn't talk about is I got hit on by this fantastic chick at this bar. I feel re-energized.

I'll tell you the icky stuff only if I can whisper it in your ear.

What's that a picture of?

I'm tellin' you, I'mma get dissed if I disclose that part of the story. I'll tell you on August 5th, I promise.

Five seven is good. Heels is better! You bring the Crisco and the Vitamin E, I'll bring the Djarums!


Knockout Zed said...

Hardly! It's attrition. My peer group went off and got married. I'm the only one left!


toneec42 said...

How do you do it?! No, seriously. I wanna know. I need to get that flow too. It's exactly what I need to boost myself up.

DramaFree said...

*doing the cabbage patch* Zeddie got some!!

Anyway, sign me up for bludgeoning protest. I have a few people I want to take out RIGHT now.

Knockout Zed said...

It's simple. Leeve where you are for a period of at least sicks months. Come back. Voila! You're brand new and fresh to def. Enjoy!

Technically I didn't get anything. But good for me anyway, shit!

Oh, I'm ready to leed a mighty and righteous bludgeoning campaign. I'm glad you can join me.


According to Tony said...

Your frat boys slip worked out great for a brother. Two in one night is serious pimping.

BKBajan said...

happy for you that you got some, you were getting real cranky - I thought you hit 2 for 1 in a night too - neva ever leave out the details (all the gushy stuff) - we like to hear everything.

Blah Blah Blah said...

I'm 'fused...
You'll get hate mail if you tell which story...getting the jump-off sex right before the parking lot finger down...OR
meeting the fantastic chick at the bar...
'cause any one of the scenarios made into a blog story is gonna piss the chick off if she ain't the one the stories about....but if the story is about her...well damn...she'll be immortalized on the web...well...anonymously but immortalized all the same, no?

Honest said...

Sounds like you had an excellent weekend having grown folks fun. :-).

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

BBB has a good point, unless the chick has a few good wigs and likes to play dress up, sounds like we have mulitple stars in the galaxy...

blue butterfli said...


When I grow up... Imma be JUST like you, KZ! I'd love to have several dates in one night. All lined up and scheduled down to the minute. NOT!! (LMAO)

Personally, I don't think I could handle it, but it seems to work for you. Ever thought of writing a book about it?

Please note when it becomes a best seller I'll be expecting my check for giving you the idea! (LOL)

~La Mariposa Azul~

Knockout Zed said...

Dude, they are lucky as hell it all worked out for me. I still wanna beat 'em.

I ain't really get none "get none". But it's all good. I'm cool for a minute at least.

I can't win. If I tell the whole story, I'm a disgusting cyber-fuck who should be shot. If I don't, I'm a sucka for letting people run my life.

Doin' the "grown folks" is definitely a better weekend than I'm used to.

@Miss Ahmad
The venom comes from the entirety of the way I spent my weekend, hoe-hoppin'. Whether she wants to be lumped in or thought of as special and individual, the weekend still consisted of me seeing multiple chicks. That's what the problem is.

Be good! Stop trying to derail the Mack Train!

Hmmm. A book. Never thought of that! Maybe I'll try my hand at writing.


ChezNiki said...

Well when you finally get your real couch, dont leave anything out of that story!

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

well last time i heard being single meant you got to hoe hop all you want to!

unless you was promising to wife her while you were getting your hop on, it's the price of playing the game, if you wanna play with the big dogs you can't cry if you get hurt.

chicks that don't have good negotiation skills run into problems like this.

that's probably why I ain't getting none, but that's a whole 'nother story!

EqualOpportunityCrush said...

lol @ the omission disclaimers.. i LOVE it. we can't be mad at you.. you've been aching for some ass in the anus.. it's about time you got some with no drama attached

Nika Laqui said...

What does it look like Zed?

Okay, Imma call you and you can whisper it then...*lol*

Knockout Zed said...

Who the fuck knows if I'll ever get my real couch. Gas is all high and shit! I don't know if I can afford one.

@Miss Ahmad
We probably need to enter into negotiations. *wink*

Completely drama free interactions. That never happens anymore.

I finally clicked on it. Very sexy.

You betta watch out. If you call me, Imma slurp on ya through the receiver!


aquababie said...

sign me up for the bludgeoning petition! this ex mofo of mine is wrecking my nerves. damn him!

nikki said...

lawd...ya dick has been in more inkwells than abe lincoln's quill. LOL

sj-the-infamous said...

This is inspirational, on a couple fronts.

Knockout Zed said...

I say we just go out and do it! Just start battering muthafuckas today!

Not to mention Lincoln's Log!

I ain't been gettin' jack shit lately. I was overdue.

This story probably reinforces your resolve to dis cats who seem remotely like me. It also reinforces the "blind squirrel" theory.


aquababie said...

i've calmed down since i wrote that last night. i have to get my meditation room back together. i need it bad!