Thursday, September 21, 2006

Meet Luther

Luther lives in my apartment complex. Like me he's a Black man from Detroit. He's been in Satan's Anus for about 3 years. He's a single father, 51 years old, raising his two kids. Their mother, from whom he was divorced, died a year ago and he's been taking care of them ever since. His son, Luther Jr. is 14, he's mentally challenged. His daughter, Faberge, is 16. She's pregnant by a white dude. He's disappointed, but what can you do?

Luther's been married and divorced 3 times. He's got bad credit and was moving weight in the dope game in the 80's. He works for the state in correctional facilities, and they were the ones that transferred him to Satan's Anus.

He goes to Second Ebenezer Church. The Pastor's country as all get out, but there are a lot of women there. He's getting his fair share, but the women here are missing...something. He can't put his finger on it. He's trying not to fuck our neighbor, the woman that lives next door to him. She's diggin' on him.

How cool are me and Luther? We're not cool at all. You see, I made the mistake of keeping to myself. I went to the gotdamn mailbox and this muthafucka decided he wanted to get to know me, so he came outside, stopped me as I was returning to my house, and told me his fuckin' life story. And I told it to all y'all on the internet. He wanted to know about me. You wanna know what he knows about me? I'm 35, I work for the city, and I drive a blue Chevy Tahoe. That's it.

What part of the game has it become for Black folks to be tellin' all their fuckin' business? I changed the names, but I didn't make up one single element of that story. I know all that information about him from ONE THIRTY MINUTE CONVERSATION. We really need to tighten that shit up.

Stay Cool,


Anonymous said...

Sounds like Luther is looking for a friend.

My neighbors don't pry but they aren't shy about what they let slip: the neighbor across the street has a registered sex offender living in her house. The guy next door to her hits his woman to the point that the cops have to be called. And for some reason a forensics team was parked in front of my next door neighbor's house. I ain't asking no questions but I set the security system every night.

Blah Blah Blah said...

I'm not gonna say your an ass...I'm not.

You complain and complain about the friends, no wquality women, no activities and YET... talk condescendingly about a man that may be feeling just like your big ol' behind. You have women in (minor-Detroit standards) abundance and you listed a whole gang of stuff you did this summer in the Anus. Even if you didn't totally like it OR if it wasn't up to par with Detroits standards...
You don't want to be there, you hate it there...but the only thing you have done to embrace Anus as your home make it comfortable for you...was buy a bookshelf and couch....

*you know I love ya but come on Zed...cut the man some slack... a black man trying to find "friendship" or at least a common ground with another black man is not asking a lot.... hell if nothing else you can live vicariously through him since you "supposedly" ain't getting the ass you want and he is thanks to Ebenezer

1969 said...

Blah has a point Zed. Luther probably was like "Damn, this brother lives close...maybe I should get to know him?"

He probably needed someone to talk to that wasn't female or wanted something.

Besides, you know older folks come from a different generation....they like to talk.

1InTheSame said...

I met a cat in Hooters of all places last week that was pouring out his soul...he was a couple of Miller Lights short of a basically all I had to do was smile and nod..I did ask him with all of the scantily clad women walking around here why are you talking to me...but long story short he said he was just trying to make friends. I don't fully understand this concept of friends with people you just meet, other that Rob Mack this is something I have never experienced and have no desire to. Mutha fukas are too shady these days to tell all of your business to and you havent even gotten past the first name yet, I have to agree with you on this.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

maybe he's not ashamed to be who he is, and although you may think that's his life story if he's 51 he didn't even scratch the surface.

you must live on 666 Bitter Street

neighbors talk and get to know eachother, that' how communities are built. but clearly you're on some other shit...

which seems to be working extremely well for you i might add!

Disco said...

Yeah, but we not as bad as some of the white folks (my boss) at my dayum job!!! They will tell EVERYYYYYYYTHING in bouts of verbal diarrhea, like I have never SEEN before!!! That's why I tell little cutesie stories about my child but that is IT! HA!!!!

Luther..... LMAO!!

Anonymous said...

Interesting Post. Two days ago an opposite opinion - "Fighting for Something" posted about Black Folks being too secretive.

restlessnla said...

You think to much. That is why I like reading what you write, b/c of your ability to analyze stuff from the ruta to the tuta (probably did not spell that rigtht). Anyways,your neighbor could be shady or maybe just wanted to talk and get to know you. I find that sometimes when people lay random ass stuff on to me like that I can usually learn something from it. I think what you should have gotten out of that convo. is that your situation ain't that bad, anus and all.Now,
relax, take a deep breath and let it go.

Little Brown Girl said...

I'm sorry but Blah is right. Luter don't sound too different from you...minus the kids and the dope game experience. He's a man dumped in the Anus for professional purposes...he's unhappy there but doing the best he can with what he's got to deal with, he's only mistake was seeing another brother and thinking perhaps he might have found someone with whom he'd have something in common. And he gets cut up for wrong Zeddie *shaking my head* LOL!!

1969 said...

LOL @ 666 Bitter Street (sorry Zed)

aquababie said...

dude you sound really jaded. i agree with the other ladies. even though "luther" might talk too much, he sounds like you, only older. you might not talk to the dude all the time, but give the dude a break.

if you hate it so much there, give up the two-year plan and move on before you start to hate it even worse (if that's possible).

onefromphilly said...

Dayum Zed.....
Blah told you off. And then Miss Ahmad and Royce cosigned.. hhehehehe
Go head, I dare you to say snap back at them.... hehehehe


Knockout Zed said...

@All Y'all
This is pretty easy.

Fuck that dude. That ain't how we do it where I come from. I ain't befriendin' that African and I ain't tellin' him shit about me.

Was that concise enough?


Angel said...

i'm with chele! of course luther is looking for a friend...tell his ass he'd better go find cheryl lynn then! ;-P

nah, but honestly, i think there are more things that give people trouble then we realize. our community is notorious for not getting the professional help we need because of whatever stigmas we've attached to requesting it. yes i know with the faith of a mustard seed...but after that, then what? maybe luther just needed to talk, but the actuality is that you provided him with thirty minutes of therapy for free when he knows good and damn well that he has insurance!

Honest said...

I'm howling fucking hilarious. Next time you see Luther ask him Why in the world he named his daughter Faberge?!?! I'm going to get a chuckle from that one for some time to come. Hilarious!

Knockout Zed said...

I've been living in my complex for a little over a year. I speak to my neighbors and make sure no one's robbing them. I think good fences make great neighbors.

I probably wouldn't have minded a casual conversation that didn't involve being inudated with information OR being stopped to talk as soon as I got off the gotdamn job. Can I take this fuckin' suit off? Please?

I "know" y'all much better than I know him, and I guarantee I don't know as much of y'all personal business, I guarantee that. I left out a gang of shit.

When I get off work, the very last thing I want to do is talk or hear somebody talk. I think that was one of my fundamental issues with marriage. Could you shut the fuck up for like an hour?

Small doses, please!


Knockout Zed said...

I called her Faberge cuz she haulin' around that fertilized egg.


Anonymous said...

Yeah KZ, that was pretty concise. I detect a bit of a swagger.

Miz JJ said...

Lol. Part of me agrees. Luther seems a bit desperate. There is no need to spill all your business the first time you meet someone. You work up to that level of disclosure. If he is that loose with his business imagine how'd he be with your business once he found out some real information you didn't want spread all over the damn place.

Knockout Zed said...

No much. Just a little. This much.

@Miz JJ
Exactly! All these fuckin' Greeks on errbody's actin' like they don't know about discretion!


Honest said...

well damm I thought that was her name for real and since you said he was in the drug game I didn't put it past him. I guess I can stop laughing now.

Isha said...

Folks just wanna' know that they matter to someone or that someone understands their situation. It's call empathy. It's half of the blog thing we all got going. We reach out, tell each other our issues, hopes, challenges, silly stories, successes and failures. I mean, I live 2000+ miles away from you and know you cook interesting looking cheesy dishes, are in politics, have an interesting affinity for woman, are a BIG flirt, are divorced, and have been going through some strange emotional thing over the past few weeks. All of this because you have cared to share it with us and want to identify with folk that are like minded in one way or another.

I do recall you walking up to a female just to say hi cause you'd seen her a few times and you just wanted to make a colored folk connection and then got offended when she acted all strange...don't be so quick to push him away or judge. You never know what he may mean to you in the long run.

Be careful
Closed mouths don't get fed
Closed hearts don't get loved and
Closed minds are a waste of time.

Knockout Zed said...

That girl I walked up to? It would've never been a dude. Ask any man on this blog if I'm lying. Rules is rules.

Friendly *Africans* don't get talked to. Remember that one, too!


1969 said...

Zed called the Greeks out??? LOL

I hear you on the discretion tip and I do agree that people need to be more mindful of other people's time and their information being on front street.

I just think he sounded lonely.

Phoenix said...

Watch he's gonna be knocking on your door in a few days wanting to be friendly.

Anonymous said...

Man, I LOVE your readers! The *first* thing I thought after reading your post was, "Cut homeboy some slack, Zed," but I thought surely people would be commenting about how funny you are, and slapping you on the proverbial back, etc. I was so glad (sorry, I was!) to see that people were letting you know they had the same reaction I had.

This experience alone would make me *like* your readers. But the reason why I *love* them is because I literally rolled for three days straight after having the same thing happen with respect to your "Tofurkey Surprise Casserole" entry. I was looking at the pictures of what you cooked, like, "WTF??????". But I thought I would read the comments and everyone would be like, "Damn, and you can cook, too?" When I read the first comment, and it was something like, "Don't ever show us what you cooked, ever again," and then comment after comment, like, "Zed, stay OUT of the kitchen," I thought "These people are so real - I love it!" LOL! (I did not comment because I read the entry waaaay after the fact, and did not want to throw late salt on that wound.).

Anyway, I love it that you keep it real (especially in light of youe recent promise to get back to your roots) and I love it that your loyal fans love you but will also check yo' ass! :)

Damn this was long - sorry! :)

Knockout Zed said...

Shit, he's lonely? At least he's got kids and a grandbaby on the way apparently.

That's my fear, right there! Don't knock on my muthafuckin' door unsolicited!

You see, that's what makes this thing worthwhile. These people love rippin' into my ass. I took that away from them for a while, softening my opinions and shit, but now I'll just write what I think. Fuck the censorship. I know I'll be lambasted everytime, but that's OK. The truth is hardly ever pretty.

Thanks for reading. Nasty!


Robert L. Mack said...

I'm agreeing with Zed here....

What makes you think I would like to sit here and hear your life story? And if you're looking for a friend, he should be more tactical about it...maybe ask Zed if they could go down the Anus Sports Bar and watch the Mich State or Lions game....or hell just start off in small doses, saying hello (the whats up nod) and work your way up to talking about life's ails...

But see I'm a quiet person (I stay to myself) and I dont want people all up in my biz and I'm not trying to know about yours either...

To me it sounds like the ladies are more willing to talk while the men want to get to their house/apt ,close the door, and not open it again unless we're leaving or inviting a lady friend over..

What up "1"..

Knockout Zed said...

Robert Quintilly Mack II, voice of reason.


Rashan Jamal said...

Shit, You know I'm with you. Even if he was tryna be friendly, he aint have to tell you about the dope game and the bad credit. Some shit is just private. Let these ladies meet up with Luther and see how much they like his oversharing.

aquababie said...

zed could have walked away at anytime. after the first five or ten minutes, he could have stopped old jabberjaw. don't just say because we're women we listen more. said...

Sounds like dude is lonely...looking for a buddy to watch the games with on saturday and sunday.
But we BOTH know this is not the type of "friend" anyone would be looking for espically in a neighbor. Them fools be tooooo needy. Next thing you know Jr and Fabrege will be knocking on your door with they burdens or worse asking for LUNCH MONEY!!! LOL!
Damn that MOVE NOW!!!!

Normally black folks don't even think about knowing they neighbors. LOL! Go figure.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

maybe introduce him to Lolo, isn't she talkative!

Mr.Slish said...

Thats fucked up thinking Zed. I half way don't believe you really feel this way.

Thats the problem with brothas and the reason why were always so fucking agitated all the the time! We don't talk to one another!!! Thats why we go home beat and shoot our loved ones. We ain't got nobody to talk too! Sometimes when I let another brotha chit chit with me about his personal life. Makes me proud he sees something in me that makes him want to open up like that.

Take Luther opening up to you as a compliment. Brotha's need to stop brow beating one another and open up..You might find that what ever you're going through ain't so fucking bad after hearing what they've been through.

Luther needs a friend. You need more wisdom sounds like a match made in heaven...:)

Be kind Zeddy You might be in Luther's shoes one day.

Anonymous said...

I feel a little bad for poor Luther...he obviously needs a friend. But straight up...I feel you!! I walk around my complex with my head down most of the time because I want nobody to talk to me. Sometimes I wish I had a sign that read: no offense...but not right now...K? So I feel you!

DivineLavender said...

A bit much....too soon. Sometimes look at his best intentions...he is from another generation where folks actually talked to one another...instead of "blogging".

Give Luther a bit of slack.

Hey Zed, we ain't to worry about his old ass knocking on our door unannouced either.

Do you!

Knockout Zed said...

@T Cas
Commercial Hip Hop Trivia:

How are women like parents?

They just don't understand.

What part of the game is telling me he used to slang dope? Is he signed to Roc-a-Fella? I know too much of his business and he don't know me at all.

Women don't listen worth a shit, we all know that.

I tried to break conversation 8 times in that time span. That dude said "I know you gotta go..." and kept going.

@Mrs TJ
I don't have buddies to watch the game with. Let me clarify, I don't WANT buddies to watch the game with. I'd like to choose my friends. I don't choose him. Bigmouth African.

I'm not the "favor" neighbor. The most I'd do is sign for your UPS package. That's it.

@Miss Ahmad
People say "You show Miss Ahmad so much love. What gives?" This is why. This is an ingenious solution!

Believe me Slish, I really feel this way!

He could use someone to talk to. He should try that country ass pastor. I'm always looking for more wisdom. He could be an example of what NOT to do, like telling folks his life story in one sitting. That's not wise!

I could be in Luther's shoes one day, and to paraphrase Tony Rich, nobody would know that shit but me!

I'mma get that cat to start a blog and maybe y'all can listen to his ass!

Hey BOB!

Everybody feels bad for Luther. What about me? Whenever I bitch about my life y'all tell me to suck it up. Can't he suck it up?

I honest wouldn't have minded a LITTLE interaction, but damn! I truly hate small talk though, so really would just like to say "Hi" and "Bye".

I'll cut him some slack, if he doesn't stop my ass right after work to tell me his story. That shit's not cool!


Mr.Slish said...

@ Zed Lmaof...Get homeboy blog..Thats not a bad idea...

NegroPino™ said...

I dont know any of my neighbors if i seen them in teh street, iw ouldn't say HI. I like to keep it like that. I know they know im single,I am employed. But they dont know how old I am, if I am involved. My friggin neighbor though he scares me cuz everytime I come home he's out the window staring me down. I think he got a camera in my crib and shit. Got me creeping outta my own crib so he wont see me

Knockout Zed said...

Everybody would know all his business and give him the advice or proverbial shoulder to lean on. I'd be worth it.

That's the shit I miss about big city living. Most people know to respect your fuckin' privacy and leave you alone!


EqualOpportunityCrush said...

you are too hilarious.. i love reading your blog. seriously. Yeah, that was a bit much for him to tell you all of his business in such a short time. I, too, would be turned off. But, he obviously is looking for a friend/ some type of outlet. It's very possible to befriend him without letting him know much about you. I do that shit all the time.

calikim9 said...

Just like you blog the ups and downs of your personal business on the internet, Luther blogged to you. I agree with you, you should introduce Luther to the internet.

Supa said...

I'm still stuck on "Faberge"...

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

Him being a reformed dope man should know better! I see why he's out the game.

sj-the-infamous said...


I'ma need to come back to this. Just when I was getting my reading all caught up....

Nos hablamos pronto amor.