If you decide or have decided that you are in for a long-term committed relationship, like marriage, there are several obstacles you must overcome. The very least of which is your ideal of marriage, which will likely be shattered within a short period of time. But there is so much more to it.
You have to deal with the fact that if you are over the age of 24, this person is not likely your first choice for matrimony. Unspoken, unfair comparisions of the mate you have to "the one that mercifully escaped your crazy ass" is inevitable and color's one's judgement in the creation of a happy life together. You will never be that African, no matter how cool you are. A memory doesn't scratch his nuts or fart at the boss' dinner party. A memory doesn't nag or go on "pussy strike". The muthafucka who ain't here is the gold standard. The taint of being "settled for" will hover over your relationship like a dark storm cloud.
This is something I call the "What the fuck?" factor. The older you get, relationships get more dangerous. It's like a high stakes game of musical chairs. Muthafuckas fight for that last chair, hoping they're not the one left standing. Anxiety builds everytime a chair is taken away. Your dating pool is shrinking, like a ball sac in cold water. If you win this game of musical chairs, you may find out that you didn't want the fuckin' chair in the first place. The chair you wanted was in a room four doors over. It's too late to start over. What the fuck! I'll just stick with the chair I got.
Then there's the myth of "growing together". People don't actually grow together. That's not even human nature. People get stuck in the same fuckin' rut. That's the best one can hope for. That's what we call a successful marriage. "We go to plays, the opera, concerts, movies, you name it, we do it." I know women tend to like the idea of having a "built in date" for shit, but gotdamn! I gotta share my rut with you too? You know those couples that are always together? Those cute, inseparable couples? Don't leave the back gate open 'cuz one of 'em will escape.
Then there's the idea that you're in a partnership. A one-sided, dictatorial partnership, one in which pussy is the only bargaining chip used to negotiate. Fellas, there's only one pussy in the relationship and you don't have it. That other side of the sack gets ice cold when she's not getting her way.
You'd also be surprised at how much info about your dick is hitting the streets. Shit you'd never tell another dude about your ol' lady is fair game the other way around. Mind you, she don't even like the broads she's gossipin' with, but she's still talking about your every habit, lapse, skill set and shortcoming to this chick. This part of the backlash about you not being the muthafucka that got away, who's idealized because...well he's not you!
You have to deal with the fact that if you are over the age of 24, this person is not likely your first choice for matrimony. Unspoken, unfair comparisions of the mate you have to "the one that mercifully escaped your crazy ass" is inevitable and color's one's judgement in the creation of a happy life together. You will never be that African, no matter how cool you are. A memory doesn't scratch his nuts or fart at the boss' dinner party. A memory doesn't nag or go on "pussy strike". The muthafucka who ain't here is the gold standard. The taint of being "settled for" will hover over your relationship like a dark storm cloud.
This is something I call the "What the fuck?" factor. The older you get, relationships get more dangerous. It's like a high stakes game of musical chairs. Muthafuckas fight for that last chair, hoping they're not the one left standing. Anxiety builds everytime a chair is taken away. Your dating pool is shrinking, like a ball sac in cold water. If you win this game of musical chairs, you may find out that you didn't want the fuckin' chair in the first place. The chair you wanted was in a room four doors over. It's too late to start over. What the fuck! I'll just stick with the chair I got.
Then there's the myth of "growing together". People don't actually grow together. That's not even human nature. People get stuck in the same fuckin' rut. That's the best one can hope for. That's what we call a successful marriage. "We go to plays, the opera, concerts, movies, you name it, we do it." I know women tend to like the idea of having a "built in date" for shit, but gotdamn! I gotta share my rut with you too? You know those couples that are always together? Those cute, inseparable couples? Don't leave the back gate open 'cuz one of 'em will escape.
Then there's the idea that you're in a partnership. A one-sided, dictatorial partnership, one in which pussy is the only bargaining chip used to negotiate. Fellas, there's only one pussy in the relationship and you don't have it. That other side of the sack gets ice cold when she's not getting her way.
You'd also be surprised at how much info about your dick is hitting the streets. Shit you'd never tell another dude about your ol' lady is fair game the other way around. Mind you, she don't even like the broads she's gossipin' with, but she's still talking about your every habit, lapse, skill set and shortcoming to this chick. This part of the backlash about you not being the muthafucka that got away, who's idealized because...well he's not you!
This is just my very limited list about my least favorite institution, behind mental, educational, and correctional.
Be Safe,
KZ
60 comments:
FIRST!!!! HA!!!
Ok now that I got the important shyt out the way...what's the deal with you posting such a dark and depressing post on MY FUKIN BIRTHDAY!!!
I'll admit that I am not the biggest fan of the institution of marriage...and I've never even participated in it...but I still hold out in my heart that there is an african out there who will come along and change my perspective. Shyt I know that marriage isn't all peaches and cream but I gotta believe that there is someone out there worth going through the ups and downs with and perhaps in the end...maybe when I'm 80...I'll look over at him as he sits in his rocking chair on our back porch and realize that it wasn't all bad...that the heartaches we went through were worth it because it got us to that very moment.
I guess I am trying to be optimistic because I can honestly say that as much and children and marriage freak me out...I don't wanna experience my whole life without someone else to share it with. Maybe I'll be settling a little...perhaps he won't be "the man of my dreams" but hell dreams can sometimes be nightmares in disguise.
I know you had a fuked up experience with marriage...but maybe it wasn't the marriage that was fuked up...perhaps it was just the two individuals in it that were wrong for each other. You honestly believe there is no chance of you finding someone special to love and be loved by over the long-term?
Damn Zed. Should I slit my married wrists right now and end it all?
@RD
First of all, I thought your birthday was yesterday!!! Happy MF'in Birfday, mama!
Second of all, marriage, the confines of marriage, the preparation for the wedding, the level of compromise and lack of understanding that love, in fact, does not conquer all, SUCKS.
I realized something I didn't know about myself. I've always held out hope that my first marriage was an atypical situation. I didn't realize how badly I wanted to get married again, so I hoped that my experience was just extraordinarily rotten. There was nothing extraordinary about my marriage except my inability to deal with the situation.
I really think I'm too old to compromise in my homelife. It's approaching the same thing in my worklife.
KZ
@69
Not you, Sixy. You're different.
KZ
@RD, again
My bad! I did write this on your birthday (purely coincindental!!!), but I posted it today. I forgot to change the date, so I just did it.
KZ
Zed...you met and married the WRONG woman. Plain and simple.
When you find a woman that is committed to you, your well being, your hapiness, your strength....while still being able to live her life and be herself, not possess you.....you will know it.
Until then, just enjoy being Zed. It's okay to be yourself, the right person will actually like it.
Even though this is a huge generalization, having been married twice I can attest and confirm quite a bit of this. So sad.
I agree that too many comparisons were made and I'm guilty of having gone on strike.
It was impossible to "grow" with my ex-husband because I was already grown and I had to wait for his young ass to catch up. Younger men are good for one thing and marriage ain't it.
I did not (and do not) share information regarding my man's dick with ANYBODY. Fuck that. Some women are too daggone shady and who knows what they will do with that information.
Happy Birthday RD!
Chele...I agree. Who goes around talking about their husband's dick?
That shit is circa Clueless 1992....high school.
...marriage...*blank stare*...
I'm not sure I understand, what's needed to be understood, in order to understand what I am suppose to do/be/act/feel in a marriage.
Everything ain't for everyone... and usually the ones that try and force that shit are the ones to get fucked in the end.
Me and my ex-husband slash baby-daddy slash 9 wasted fucking years are much more amicable now than then.... is it because I live 3000 miles away? lol
@69
I don't think a married the wrong woman. If so, every dude I know married the wrong woman because they're dealing with the same issues. The difference between me and them usually is I didn't fuckin' reproduce with mine, so I had no incentive to stick around.
And believe me when I tell you their wives' homegirls know the extent of their sexual function/dysfunction. I'm the African fuckin' their wives' homegirls! I hear the stories!
@Chele
*waving* Hey mama! Slightly younger man over here!
@Blah
"Everything ain't for everyone."
I couldn't DISAGREE more! Marriage is for NO ONE. I say let the gays marry as punishment!
KZ
No lie sometimes I get worried about being married to my hubby. I can think of every excuse in the book. We met young 15, and have been together ever since. He will have to go thru his mid life crisis, then what?!?! LOL! He said when he goes thru his mid life crisis he will come back...We laugh! Then I think about it and realize...I really don't care. I love him to death. I just don't care. Shit happens and life goes on. As long as we agree he still pays half of the bills. Crazy but true. While he is talking about sowing his wild oats brotherman is not thinking about what I'M THINKING in the back of my mind. LOL! Holla!
Zed- I truly agree with 'love does not conquer all". That sh*t is true.
When I was married-I realized the error of my ways very quickly.I loved him. But, I wasn't in love with him, wasn't attracted to him, he really wasn't my type at all. He was just a pretty face with no personality. But, I was young and didn't even know myself at the time to even begin to know what I needed in my SO.
However, I do beleive that it was a learning experience for me. Thank God no children were produced from that union.
As far as talking to my girls about his dick..First of all WHAT dick?
To me its like a degree a piece of paper that says HEY U MADE it you ARE GOOD ENOUGH but it dont guarantee anything!!NOTHING!!!!! Im so scared of it sometimes I dont think i want it
@Mrs TJ
Sometimes love beez that way sometimes. I don't get it, I don't agree with it, but I don't disturb it.
@Tjeanise
I struggled with that too. I fell in love with bomb pussy and a phat ass. I know that, I can admit that now.
I was married a year and a half and was put on "pussy strike" twice for a total of ONE YEAR! I fucked for six months as a married man. She had the nerve to complain about my lack of sex drive, basically due to me masterbating, to offset the strike. It pissed her off that I wouldn't press her for sex, there by lengthening the strike. Dumb shit.
KZ
My bad my birthday was yesterday...I thought this post was from yesterday LOL!! I still haven't recovered from the weekend yet...forgive me!
@IllNana
It's scary as hell. You get married and lose all control. If you and your spouse agree to something and they break the agreement, what's your recourse? You don't have any recourse, but anger, sex strikes, and general harassment. My ex-wife bought a car when we made an agreement to wait a year to buy a new one. Just fuckin' came home with it one day. I was heated. What can I do? Can I go all "Harpo" on her? Can I yell? Tell her to take it back and take the loss on the depreciation and the credit score? When I got divorced I had to help pay for a car I never drove and didn't want.
KZ
Oh I knew I wasn't crazy!!!
As for marriage, you, Blah and Chele scaring the living shyt out of me. Is it seriously that bad? I lived with a man for many years and although the relationship when south there was a period where our existence together was good. Everything that is being said (in my opinion) is about relationships and not just marriage...it sounds like relationships at some point will provide the horror and being married only makes getting out of the situation a little more difficult.
your depression slash bitterness slash inability to dream big just oozed out onto my lap top and burnt the my first row of keys.
i won't try to argue with you becasue i think you have insured that you prove yourself correct by being a self prophecy of doom. you don't believe marriage works so it sure as hell won't work for you.
i am glad as hell that i know happily married couples at all stages of the game, newlyweds to old timers who share the truth of what being married means to them...with a smile.
i'm gonna go smile at the world and see if it smiles back because this shit right here is the pits!
@RD
Relationships are hard ass thankless work. I think marriages should only be a collaboration to raise children, 'cuz that shit definitely is better in pairs.
@Miss Ahmad
I'm just jokin', mama. This thing here is just a joke.
heheheheheheheh
See? I'm laughing!
I am not even gonna argue with you guys. Marriage is NOT for everyone. Having kids is NOT for everyone. I agree 100%.
However, I am gonna go home tonight and make out with my hubby, play with my kids and enjoy what I have. It ain't all bad.
I totally agree with Zed. I believe is a contract-plain and simple. Most women and men marry for "security" and they have the built in date and "at home sex". I think married people walk around convincing themselves they are happy and trying to convince us single folks we are really missing something. These contract..oops I mean marriages are non-product yielding and not cost effective. I am going to stop ranting on Zed's comment page.
NAPPY HAIR...FIST UP!
Marriage is really scary. It should be. I think people enter into it entirely too lightly. And, you are 100% right: love does not conquer all. A lifetime commitment to something, someone, anyone or anything, requires maturity, analysis, introspection, evaluation, tact and respect. Honest knowledge of self and the ability to agree to disagree and to put the well-being of the unit before our own personal feelings or interests. It ain't easy. I'm a selfish brawd. And, I don't know if I could ever do it. I can't say I'd never do it. But, it would take a lot for me to get there. Like Blah says, Everything ain't for everybody.
It's not marriage that is messed up. It is folks looking for what they deem is the "ideal" marriage that is messed up. There is no such thing as ideal but there is a such thing as RIGHT FOR YOU.
When I was younger, I had a bad habit of dropping folks that my "crew" didn't deem as "acceptable in the click". So I was trying to conform, trying to get someone that my crew (society) would accept instead of someone I could accept. Despite his faults, in spite of myself. So I wound up picking the wrong people for the wrong reasons. Not saying there was anything wrong with them, on the contrary, they were just wrong for ME.
I know that marriage is work. After all is said and done, can I see myself going to the ends of the earth for this cat? If no...he is not the one. If yes. I need to work at it.
As far as putting his prowess or lack thereof out in the street...that is so high school. *smh* never tell someone how good your dessert is, because sooner or later, they are going to want to taste a piece for themself. ;-)
@Sixy
I don't disagree that marriage is a great thing if two great people enter into it fully committed. And I understand everything is never peaches and cream in ANY situation. That being said, the comfort of marriage lies in always having someone there for you to share in your life till death do you part. Forever used to be a lot easier when the average human lifespan was 40 years. I think monogamy is outdated.
@DL
Thanks, mama! I think there is an arrogance associated with being married. As soon as I got married, married people started commisserating with me about how truly fucked up their shit was. Before I was married they were really hush mouthed about that shit. As a divorced person, they know I see how the Matrix really works, so they tend not to bullshit me with the glossy stuff.
@BZ
It's probably one of the most serious things you'll ever enter into. I used to wonder why the hell people would have children with someone and not marry them. It's the same thing, right? It's not. It's really not. If you reproduce with someone, your only obligation is financial and for the welfare of your child. When you marry them, you got a whole ball of wax you're responsible for. That shit's not cute. You'll be surprised at what baggage you find hidden.
KZ
Marriage IS a contract, its an agreement, or a series of agreements. If one (or both) of the parties are shady, immature, angry, strung out or dumb, or keeps changing their minds, the agreement is not kept and disaster strikes.
Ive seen the very worst in marriage close-up. But Ive also seen marriages that work. Ive seen folk that are legally married for decades and barely know eachother or spend time together. I know folk that have never legally married but have a healthy, functional long-term relationship. I know it can work, I just dont know if it could work for me...and at this point, I dont know if I am willing to commit to another long term project that may not work (like my career).
Bottom line, Boo? You have fear. Fear that you will put your whole heart and soul (time, money, energy, extra sperm) into something that doesnt work out. I have the same fear (except for the sperm part). When you fall in love again, all that fear will vanish and you will be willing to try again. Love (willingness to commit to something/someone) does conquer all...
I just hope that when the negotiation/ agreement/ compromise part of your next relationship begins, that the woman in question is willing to work hard on that part of the relationship with you. Your ex sounds like she dropped the ball on that part.
...also, this issue is obviously still tugging at you. Your pain is jumping off the computer screen! You obviously have not decided to give up on marriage alltogether, or it wouldnt torture you so bad to write about. You dont want your ex back, but you dont want to be single till you die either. I can feel you on that...
Sorry this is so long. Hang In There, Boo!
@Newy
If you're 30 plus "the one", it's leftover time. Shepherd's Pie. Scrapple. Jungle Juice. Stromboli day in Brody Cafeteria.
If a chick don't have hair under her armpits and doesn't shoplift, she's got a shot.
KZ
...when you come East again, Ill give you (another) hug...you clearly need extra
...but if you mention Dr. Kathy again, I will be forced to throw a book at your nuts!!!
((smootches))
@Chezniki
This post actually wasn't for me. I wrote this to articulate something to a friend of mine. I'd never write about marriage again if it wasn't for that. To each his/her own.
For awhile I wanted to be married again, but honestly, why bother? I think I can cope without having seeds. We all die alone anyway, no matter who's around your deathbed.
I used to say I want a woman I can talk about anything with, tell anything to. Honestly, that's asking too much of anyone. I've seen it attempted and it's not pretty.
KZ
@Chezniki again
OK, OK, I promise!
KZ
This is good stuff man...probably one of the best I've seen.. Definitely on point.
Marriage works dog..
My parents been in the game 38 years!!!
My mother gets on my dad nerves daily and vice versa,but like you said it will only work if both parties are committed.
The key is you have to give in to love and know that the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with knows the road traveled will be twisty and full potholes but as long as the both of you read the directions together.
No room for EGO in relationships especially marriage..
@Slish
My parents have been married 37 years. I still don't believe in it.
Marriage is fulla bullshit and fake emotion. The best bet is to have kids, raise 'em, and stay together for the sake of 'em. When they're grown, y'all will be so used to each other and too old to start over, you'll just stay together for the fuck of it. That's the key to longevity: being too fuckin' tired to leave.
KZ
you are a kill joy for your own self i don't think anyone could possibly take your advice without hearing your own pain bitterness and personal experience.
i wish you the best of luck in your journey into being bitter and alone!
@Miss Ahmad
Miss Ahmad! I'm tellin' you I'm just jokin'! Really! I'm practicing for the Satan's Anus Annual Talent Show. These just jokes!
KZ
I don't have great examples of marriages around me but I do know that they exist and are out there. Hopefully I'll find someone who is willing to struggle and sacrifice right along with me to make it work.
I LOVE being married and I don't think that my husband or I settled at all. I think that a marriage is only as strong as the people in it. I have a cousin who is about to divorce husband number 3. She claims that there's something wrong with marriage, but I think that there's something wrong with her.
Dayum Zed! I took a direct kick in the head after 15 years of marriage and I ain't this bitter.
I'm gonna agree with Ms. Ahmad.
And after reading the whole comment section I just came to the conclusion that my emotions never came close to this level of bitter and disillusionment.
@Honest
Hey, I'll be over here waiting for that. Send me an invite. Seriously.
@Afrochelle
As I've stated before, some people love the institution of marriage. Just like some people want to stay in college forever and some people continue to commit crimes to stay in prison. To each his/her own institution.
I'll bet your marriage works because you both compromise enough to make it work. Or one of you completely caved and sublimated your true self for the betterment of the unit.
KZ
@OneFrom
Are you divorced too? I didn't know that.
Y'all don't know bitter. Ask me about my educational experience in grad school. Or ask me about the Mayor of Detroit. This is hardly bitter. This is just my little bullshit opinion. This can be blown off as Zed being immature or the rantings of a depressed African. I'm OK with that.
You will always be able to look at your experience, see your seed(s) and say "At least something good came out of it."
KZ
pathetic!
i expect more from you...but maybe that's my problem not yours!
@ RD: marriage is cool. i actually liked being married...not so much the person i was married to...hehehehe i would get married again...i was even dis close to marrying The Itch!
Zed is sounding a little bitter...bud-da, it's valid...i think.
i'm waiting to here from Robyn so we can get some insight into Zed...
...'cause right now...my big ol' teddybear is ON SOME OTHER SHIT!
*waving and blowing kisses at Zed...lol*
@Miss Ahmad
I'll delete this thing! You want me to delete it?
Don't be like that mama!
@Blah
Et tu, coochay?
KZ
Thou Doth Protest Too Much, Zed.
We're gonna see you in about fifty years in bed removing your dentures, securing your nighttime doo rag and clapping your lights off so you can eat your wife before yall drift off to sleep the night after your fifth great-grand's first birthday party earlier that afternoon...
...well hopefully we wont actually SEE that (some ol freaky old folks sex webcam), but you know what I mean...
It will probably take three years to settle this, but you're right I can look at my offspring and say "it wasn't bad at all, I got a lot out of that deal".
I don't really see the need to get married again (95 % against), I'm not having anymore children. And I'm one of those old fashioned/corny people that believes in getting married and then having children. Even when it's over, I believe in sacrificing and staying married for the childrens sake, as long as you two can get along peacefully. After the kids are 18, then you can both go kick rocks.
yo I can't stop laughing "like a ball sac in cold water." That line is priceless.
Well, as long as you are honest with all of the women in life your life about how you feel about commitment, monogamy and marriage then I say do you. Have no children, don't get married again and die alone. Plenty of people do it. People just usually do not aspire to do that.
@Mack
How many married friends do you have? I mean real friends, not acquaintances. If anyone of them engages in "real talk" with you, none of this will even be controversial to you. Not one word. Some people need to believe in the mystical power of the unexperienced. Let them walk into marriage like lambs to the slaughter. But before you take the stroll, talk to me.
@Chezniki
I believe I'll get married again, believe it or not. I'll be on my best behavior and she'll be spectacular.
@OneFrom
Why get married if there are no seeds to be sown? There is no other reason.
@CG
Miss Ahmad has this way of making me feel guilty about shit I haven't even done. It's scary!
@Phoenix
What you know about that? Nasty!
@Miz JJ
You think I don't? My biggest fault is my honesty. I'm trying to get pussy in a world fulla fuckin' liars, so I look bad in comparison.
The thing is, women believe that can change you, God bless 'em, so they poo-poo this shit I'm saying.
Do you think if you get married and have children that will ensure you of not dying alone? It won't.
KZ
Zed: *dap*
BRAVO!!!
I couldn't have said it better...*lol*
DivineLavender, you ain't said nothing but a word.....
I've never been married but I've lived with my child's father, here in Texas, so we were common law married.
That wasn't too sweet and peachy cream, I even shacked with my ex for while....
I HATED IT....
Like Earthquake(the comedian) said, marriage is like not having any cable, having to watch the same show over and over again.
People's attitudes collide, money is an issue, we don't marry for the right reasons, but more as a convienience or business arragement....infidelity also is always a factor, somewhere down the line...
However, those who love each other unconditionally, will make a way out of no way. Will stick around during hard times, honor their vows...may slip up, but if its real...it will last....
But isn't that only in the fairy tales?
Nah, I seen some old school couples, maintain their marriage through good, bad, and ugly. They were able to accomplish more, raising their families, by having a common goal and unconditional love and understanding, its possible....
Besides, every human wants a mate....at some time or another, but forever???
Not while you're young...men anyway....
My homie said "Men should NEVER get married"....Sorry but I had to agree....
It can be worst than jail...
uh...what's got you talking about marriage zeddy? you looking for a proposal? *ahem ahem* (clearing throat) forever is indeed a mighty long time, but i'm here to tell you, there's something else...! ;-)
So... I guess you're sayin'
ya DON'T wanna marry me?
I mean, that's kinda what I think
you're sayin'... DAMN! :)
@Supa
So you wit' me? That's beautiful!
@Nsane
That Earthquake quote is the shit!
Marriage ain't for everybody, but damn if I don't wanna make some shorties in wedlock.
I still remember that sour ass feeling I got in my stomach everytime I had to check with her before my grown ass could say yes to something I really wanted to do.
I'm for small doses of exclusivity. Not that forever shit.
@FA
I know y'all tryin' to see why I'm talking marriage, but I can honestly say I wrote this to support a friend of a friend.
Don't quote Prince to me, damn it!
@SanginDiva
Noooo! Our thing is still on. I got the ring and errthang.
KZ
This is something I call the "What the fuck?" factor. The older you get, relationships get more dangerous. It's like a high stakes game of musical chairs. Muthafuckas fight for that last chair, hoping they're not the one left standing. Anxiety builds everytime a chair is taken away. Your dating pool is shrinking, like a ball sac in cold water. If you win this game of musical chairs, you may find out that you didn't want the fuckin' chair in the first place. The chair you wanted was in a room four doors over. It's too late to start over. What the fuck! I'll just stick with the chair I got.
This is my life. The one I WANTED didn’t get away per se, he was simply not ready. Again, another monkeywrench in the whole “fairytale” theory. If he had been ready, we would probably have been a “storybook couple”…. Ask Zed….but he wasn’t and as the saying goes….. “If, IF’s were FIFTH’S we’d all be drunk”. I tried to give it time. A lot of time……years, but I decided I could wait no longer. I needed and DESERVED to be loved the way that I LOVE, right? So, I was done. I think that MOST people do not grow together and agree with Zed. Men and women are USUALLY VERY different and without a wholllllllle lotta sacrifice on one or BOTH sides, issues ensue, but then you ask yourself “is it worth it to try and find someone ELSE at this LATE stage in the game??” Usually,unless the person is TOTALLY unbearable it is NOT.
Women. Most of us were taught that you “find a good man, get married, have a baby” inTHAT.ORDER. Though some us do NOT, I think that dayum near ALL of us strive FOR that ideal of “perfection”.
And once you get that which you THOUGHT was so rosey, you get stuck with the thorns. I thought that I was in love, I was not. I was in search of. In search of someone to make me feel loved (because the last guy though we were alike in MANY ways) he did not and COULD NOT give totally to the growth of a “true relationship” because he had too much “baggage from his childhood and his previous enrapturement. So……as I was getting older, I was running out of time. I met someone, a nice person, and was soooo desperate for someone to love me and TOTALLY commit to me that I didn’t see us for what we were. Two totally different people. We have different values, different likes & dislikes and are just ….. different, and I mean REEEEALLY different. Of course I was too “caught up” in the beginning to see this and was sooooooooo geeked to have someone INTO ME and LOVING ME the WAY I wanted to be loved and STEPPING UP and being a man that I lost sight of the value of taking your time. And opposites do NOT always attract. I eventually came down off that initial “high” of what I THOUGHT was being in love to reality and found out he was not the man I HOPED he was, but the man I wish the OTHER person had been.
And that is just being real. Maybe because I have all these differences with him I can’t have a positive take on marriage. Maybe that’s it. Maybe for some of YOU, you CAN find the one and be that shining example in the darkness that I think marriage on some days. Or maybe for MOST people (like Zed said) life in a marriage is just like that. Do I think about cheating? Yup. Have I done it? No. Why? Simply because my husband is inspector-fucking-gadget and I am too afraid he would find out and we’d be divorced for SURE then. Why do I care you say? Because I do like him and love him. And no one wants to be alone. So, I continue to try to WORK my way through this. I continue to try to make a dolla outta 15 cents and get it “together” and make a way “out of no way”. But it’s hard. Are all marriages like this? I expect not, but do MOST marriages go this way at some point? I would say I think at least ½ of them do. Call me cynical or bitter. But that’s my take onit.
And I do NOT think that I am some “rare-you-just-married-the-wrong-person” type of person. I think this happens more than you think. And forever IS a long time.
We now have a child and I find myself feeling like it’s just better to stay in it and make it work because he DOES love me and he WILL be there and who wants to be alone. The fact is that you will have to make sacrifices and I, like Zed, HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE it when I have to ASK permission to do ANYTHING with my money or time! It bugs the SHIT outta me!! But that’s the married life. Sacrifices and the occasional doldrums of marriage. That’s the “green grass” you saw on the other side of the fence.
Yes, some (and I think very few) couples are soooooooooooo alike that they have very few problems and see things just like the other does and grows right along with the other one, but I think that is rare. And NO, love does NOT conquer all as we were TAUGHT. It is hard to come to the realization that not EVERYTHING we were taught to aspire to or believe in as children is FACTUAL In the real world. It’s depressing, so we keep hope alive and keep on fooling ourselves into believing that “if we looooooove each other enough, his dirty draws on the chair or her brushing her teeth and leaving the toothpaste cap open” won’t bother you if it happens 365 days a year for the next 50 years. That’s not reality folks. You DO get irritated, you DO get in a “rut” as Zed calls it which is just the “everyday things” that are cyclical and are mundane. Unless you are rich let’s face it, your day has a routine and that routines will eventually wear you down, bore you and consequently make you less “enthused” at the end of a day. And as people we NEED excitement. But how much of that do you have a chance to experience on a regular day? There are only SOOO many hours in a day and like I said unless you are wealthy and have a staff of folks to do a whole lotta shyt for you keeping stuff “fresh and new” all the time just doesn’t happen. So what do you do? You work through it as best you can and try to make a way outta no way. Or you give up.
Also, when you get ‘used’ to someone, you let your hair down and THEN, my friends, the “real” people come out.. My husband says to me (when we get in fights) “you are TOTALLY different than what YOU acted like before…. I thought you LIKED watching me play tennis, come to find out you hate it and that’s part of ME”. Well, I did “act like” I like watching him play. Why? Because you know (women) that if you really let a man know that you do NOT like certain things that man won’t even stay AROUND long enough to get to know the GOOD parts of you and look past the fact that you may not like something about them. Women will sacrifice MORE in the beginning of a relationship (and for the most part throughout a relationship) than a man and that’s the real.
Then there's the idea that you're in a partnership. A one-sided, dictatorial partnership, one in which pussy is the only bargaining chip used to negotiate. Fellas, there's only one pussy in the relationship and you don't have it. That other side of the sack gets ice cold when she's not getting her way.
About this: I do not totally agree, but I will say this: I do not practice this, but if I am pissed off at you, I do NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU, so I guess, this is partially true for me. I am not a let’s have “angry sex” and make up kinda person. You’d better leave me rthe FUCK alone until I am NOT upset anymore. ***shrug*** So, no I am NOT perfect either.
All in all, I say that Zed is right about 99% of this and that a “good “ marriage is what you make it. For me it’s harder to “make it” because I didn’t start out with a real solid foundation.
Be careful and don’t let it happen to you. That’s my advice.
WOW!
I have missed a WHOLLLLLE lotta shit being a hebrew and what not. I will say this: Marriage is not all good and not all bad. And being similar to the one to whom you are betrothed DOES help. I can honestly say that the issues me and my husband have are due to the ways in which we are dissimilar. It's hard work. That's what no one told me. I thought that shit would just "flow" naturally and just "be good".
Uh.uh......
I do think that it is possible for a FEW select folks to find that "unique" situation where EVERYTHING is peaches and cream, but I agree with a LOT that KZ says. I do. And I CERTAINLY agree that people do NOT necessarily grow together.
There are trials and tribulations and people are fallible. Take for example, I have a male friend whose parent have been married for like ever. Well, they have 4 kids and have what I have always thought was a GREAT marriage. But he let me in on a little secret. They've been married for about 40 years since like the ages of 18 & 19 or something. Well apparently, when they were like 10-15 years in...he cheated on her. Hmm.... perfect huh? No, human. Crrrrack. that was the sound of the perfect image of THEIR marriage and what "marriages can be" shattering. It's like realizing that your parents are human and can and DO make a whole LOTTA mistakes. I was floored. Because they were one of the ONLY successful long-term marriages I had seen. That was the start of me being brought back down to REALITY instead of floating around the clouds of "cinderella" and "sleeping beauty". I mean, here were these two successful africans who SEEMINGLY had no problems and were PERFECT, but a-ha! they HAD had problems and they DID fuck up, but they were ENOUGH alike and ENOUGH in love to persevere. If you have a good foundation, you CAN persevere and find that happy medium. But it was still hard to believe that there were skeletons in their closet like that LOL!
I believe that you CAN make a relationship work, but it is just that. WORK. Don't be fooled into thinking that it comes soooo easily and I will say that for some it might. I am not saying that wanting to get married is bad, because if you are in a good marriage, you can work out the kinks or just have faith.
And for the record. Your situation was DOOMED from the get. I say that because your wife was just a dayum BITCH (you know it....). It would have NEVER worked with HER ass anyway. I remember you telling me about the alternate "pussy/dick" strikes. I couldn't believe it had come to that.......
@Anon
I opened the anonymous option just for you, ma, and you used it!
Damn you're verbose (articulate? wordy?), but you basically agreed with my assertions so it's all good. That shit was intense.
@Robyn
And where the hell you been?
*tappingmyfoot*
People been askin' for your take on this.
Marriage is a wonderful vehicle for raising seeds. There is no better way to do it. Marriage for marriage's sake? That shit's for the avians.
Am I bitter? Was Catherine just a bitch? How much is my fault? Who left the damn gate open?
@ Anon: *dap*!!!!
damn...damn...damn at this post. i am one of those divorced people. my ex and i had issues. that's why we aren't together anymore. i am all for marriage again, with the right person for me.
i also agree with whoever has said that marriage isn't for anyone. just like some folk don't need to be parents, some folk don't need to be married. i know in my heart, i do want that bond of marriage with a man. but sometimes i think i will never marry and that i had it that one time. i don't fixate on it though.
being in love and marriage isn't all fun. being in a relationship isn't too. i'm finding that out right now.
Hahaha. that is so funny!! And oh so true.
Except for the witholding sex part. Contrary to popular belief a lot of women DON'T use it as a bargaining chip. But, if we don't feel an emotional connection, why give it up? What have you done to deserve it?? If it's nothing...then you get nothing. Ha.
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