Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Slices

Work

I'm walking through the east wing of our office suite yesterday after talking with my senior staff person, and I get stopped by Office Broccoli. "I forgot to order your business cards." "You mean the ones I'm almost out of? The ones I asked you to order three weeks ago? Those cards?" "Yeah. I've been distracted. My son got arrested on carrying a concealed weapons charges last week and I've been trying to help him. "

This breaks down into an extended story that delves into all of her son's bidness. Late child support payments, driving record, etc. and her assistance throughout. Yeah, I'm Black, and I'm supposed to understand and relate to all this ghetto shit. But it has nothing to do with the fact that I asked for these business cards three weeks ago because I saw myself running out. I'm down to around 10.

I interrupt the story. "Please just order the cards. I need them soon."

Gym

I went to the gym after work and before this evening meeting I had. I knew time would be tight. I tried to go during lunch but "Animal" was in there and I didn't need to see her. Animal is a woman who works for the City in HR. She's a little redheaded woman who makes inappropriately intimate noises when she works out. In addition, she tends to favor spandex body suits that show off the physique she works so hard to maintain, the physique of an eight year old boy.

Going after work, I always run into "Louganis", a middle aged Black dude of slight build who only comes to the gym to swim. This African is always in the lockerroom wearing fuckin' Speedos and looking creepy. Ladies, your man could be Mister fuckin' Universe, but if that African wears Speedos, he's a fag.

Louganis walks around the lockerroom greeting muthafuckas. "Hey how's it goin'?" Everytime he speaks to me, I'm short as hell. Muthafucka, step back! There's certain lockerroom etiquette: you don't look at a man below the chin, you don't stand too close and you don't try to strike up a friendship with a naked muthafucka. Louganis, you'z a fruit.

Meeting

I'm sitting at a meeting of historic preservationists. They are pissed because the City allowed the demolition of a "historic" property for economic development purposes and they want assurances that there will be more stringent guidelines on demolition in the future. So all eyes are on me. I talk to them. I don't really bullshit them like I've been known to do. I'm completely straightforward in my assessment. "We might consider this option, but the other option is off the table."

This one particular woman is the head of the historic zealots. She tells me in no uncertain terms that the City should take money set aside for social programs and give it to preservation efforts. So I ask the question, "We should take money from battered women's shelters and low income home ownership initiatives to give to historic preservation programs?" Without batting an eye she tells me "Yes". The others all nod in agreement.

There is a special place in hell for historic preservationists, the same muthafuckas who want to turn former slave quarters into live/work lofts. The same bastards who long for the even more racist era gone by and look at it only as a period where the architecture and craftsmanship was better. History has not been kind to Black Americans. I don't know how sympathetic I was supposed to be to their cause, but I think I might facilitate knocking down more old shit for the fuck of it.


Y'all be cool,
KZ


41 comments:

Blah Blah Blah said...

You should have just walked away as she was going on about her son...then over your shoulder said "Just order my shit OB!"

Gym: Yuck! and Speedos...double yuck!
Meeting: Ok...so that means they are keeping that racist statue in the park huh?... She's probably a transplant and has no idea the history of the Anus... it's your job to teach her...that they are wrong...WRONG!

Knockout Zed said...

@Blah
That racist statue is the bane of my existence. I have to look at it every day.

Almost as bad as the statue is that fuckin' gaybob with the Speedos.

KZ

nikki said...

what the fuck kind of people reside in your city?!? take away from social programs to keep a box made of bricks standing? are they fucking KIDDING ME?

this is why there is no way in hell i could ever work for the government in any kind of "serve the citizens" kind of way. fuck THAT. she'd have gotten some serious sarcasm punctuated with a cuss out.

Ladies, your man could be Mister fuckin' Universe, but if that African wears Speedos, he's a fag.

hehehehehe. what in the world makes a straight guy think speedos is sexy? for real...and for that matter, why would ANY guy think that shit is sexy?

Honest said...

Dude I smh in amazement at the ghetto office people. I used to work at a Federal Gov't agency and the ghettoness amazed me and still does and I left that place 4 years ago.

People will fight for their own cause and not care who gets hurt in the process.

onefromphilly said...

Let me just say this:
IF YOU AIN'T POSING FOR MUSCLE MAGAZINE THERE AIN'T NO REASON FOR WEARING SPEEDOS

This was a flashback to working in City Gov't. The foolish azz knuckle heads were plentiful, inside and outside the offices. And Historic Preservationist..... a rare breed all to themselves.

chele said...

I'm wondering why broccoli really thought her son's criminal activity had anything to do with placing an order for some business cards. Sorry, no sympathy you hag. Order the damn cards.

Speedos? Excuse me while I throw up. That is just nasty and should not be for public consumption.

I can't even comment on the meeting. The preservationists need to get their heads out of their asses.

Little Brown Girl said...

What areas did you work in the gym? I miss your calves man...*sigh*

NegroPino™ said...

Did u know the GYM is a #1 meeting place for a gay man?

Im sure theres enough space in your city for them to build elsewhere


KZ for MAYOR!!!!!!!

Rashan Jamal said...

LMAO @ your description of LouGAYness.

I bet office brocolli was telling you about her son to see if you could pull some strings. There's just some shit you don't tell your boss.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

sounds like a good day to me:-)

Isha said...

I'm with T.Cas. She wanted you to jump in and fix it for her. I'll MAKE you the darn cards if you gotta put up with that shyt.

Re Meeting. I would have just given her the blank empty look and changed the subject. Strange folk in deed.

Miz JJ said...

OB still has me laughing.

It takes a certain type of man to be able to pull of Speedos. They're usually European or South American. When I was in Venezuela this dude stepped to me in a speedo. At first I was grossed out, but then I admired his confidence. I know men are different. They don't like naked or close to naked men anywhere near them.

Well the historic society seems to be a histrionic in response to you. Yah, I know that was dorky, but I had to say it.

Anonymous said...

The fact that these folks work so hard to preserve such sites does make me wonder...

BTW, ditto with Blah on the biz cards. Chick is trying to flash that fellow Cocoa on the Job card.

Shut it down.

Knockout Zed said...

@Nikki
These are the most arrogant people you'd ever want to meet in your life. It's a college town, so the average (non-Black) citizen has a Master's degree. They always want to show-up the African at the meeting. Preserving buildings over people? Really? They're probably "pro-life" too. How's that for irony?

@Honest
I worked in the most ghetto environment possible for four years before I got here (I have lurkers that can attest to that!). I wanna know, seriously, if I can work in a place where the MAJORITY of the Black people conduct themselves in a professional manner? Can I? Is it possible?

I officially hate preservationists.

@OneFrom
Exactly! That cat's a bitch!

Everybody in City Government is pretty weird (me included) but the real weird ones bug the shit outta me.

@Chele
I think it was a ploy to demonstrate to me the white oppression in this town and elicit sympathy. I've had that played to me by staff and residents alike.

Her son, by all accounts, is an asshole and a fuck up. He's the most popular DJ in this town, working all the Black parties. He thinks he's a star. Deluded young jackass.

@RD
I wish my calves were my face!!!

I was on just on biceps, chest and legs yesterday. Today it's triceps, back and abs.

@IllNana
The first gym membership I had when I was 23, I was getting undressed after a workout about to go to the shower. This nekkid dude was by my locker rubbing lotion on and asked me "So, how was your workout?" I vowed never to go into another gym locker room again. I kept that commitment until last year. Now, I'm contemplating doing that again!

@T Cas
What strings could I pull for a dude committing a felony? A parking ticket, maybe, but a felony? Who the fuck am I?

Finish the "Real World" man!

@Miss Ahmad
I wish I coulda had a better day!

@Isha
She's a stone cold nut anyway. She's off kilter all the time.

That lady at the meeting is the unofficial town historian. I shoulda asked her where the slave auctions used to be held.

@Miz JJ
No dude ever better come near me in no fuckin' Speedos. If any dude I'm cool with ever wore Speedos, we're no longer cool. Fuck that. I gotta draw the line somewhere.

You're a word geek!!!

@CG
"Old Caleb W. Pimpsomehoes founded the town outhouse on that very site"

I hate preservationists.

I think I'm a pretty cool boss to have, but that extra familiar shit gotta go. Have you ever been shopping, went up to the cashier and the cashier starts telling you about her day? I hate that shit, it's too familiar. "Hey African, I'm still a customer. Unless you're giving me the proverbial 'hook-up', treat me like a white person."

KZ

K said...

lol @ the fact that white people love putting their business on the street. *shrinking back to my blog and hiding all of my T.M.I. posts* lol

Smooches!

Knockout Zed said...

@Kris
Ay yo, where you come from? Appreciate you coming by. Glad to see them...uh...I mean, you.

KZ

Disco said...

got your msg...... yes, I would be pissed to.....

stop.fuckin.wit.my.emotions.smokey!

:-)

According to Tony said...

That is some real shit for you right there. I mean we know that this type of thing goes down all the time but to read it from someone that was there just shows how f'd up these people really are and that the murderers, thieves and rapists of Europe that were sent here on ships heart and souls still reside in white america. Oh, you quoted the true Men's guide word for word. Speedos?!?! and he's trying to have conversation with a brother. Keep it moving.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

what's the female equivilent of a speedo?

i spend allot of time naked at the spa does this mean that i should stop looking to see whose waxed and who isn't?

i like liquor and tv said...

these *europeans* are nearly picketing here to save an old hole in the wall coffe shop...one of those joints that would NOT have served me 30-40 years ago.

lol@the fag in the speedos

That Girl Tam said...

1. Miss Ahmad is a phreak...NO LOOKING AT WHO'S WAXED AND NOT!!

2. I didn't know "Africans" wore speedos...lol...

#. You're still my favorite biatch!! :)

Ming Houser, Realtor said...

As soon as I read this post I reached into the cabinet to grab a stack of business cards for my wallet. I was running on empty and been meaning to restock the wallet...good looking out...

I agree with the Speedo philo. I would like to make an addendum to that: if your man wears Speedo's or Tighty Whitey underwear he's gay!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't like overly-familiar black folk either.

The worst is the (ALWAYS) overly-loud, "friendly," middle-aged black woman who talks to herself ALOUD when trying on shoes, buying bananas, or whatever...

"Oooh...chile! I'se didn't realize that these nanas was so 'spensive..."

I mean, c'mon! Who in the F*CK "do they be" talking to????

Knockout Zed said...

@Robyn
It's a shame that the only woman that understands me is married to someone else.

@Tony
Where you been dude?

White America relishes and honors their racist past. I hate it when Black people use Hitler as an example of a horrible person. You wanna see a horrible person? Look at the front of your money.

If you're a man and I don't know you, don't talk to me in a locker room. Ever.

@Miss Ahmad
There is no female equivalent of a Speedo. It's all good in Girly Town.

If you can see the racoon, look as much as you please!

@L and TV
Those same Europeans would move if you moved on their block. They'd also leave you bleeding in the street if you got hit by a truck. They'd lynch you for kicking a dog.

@Tam
If she don't look, how would she know or not?

I didn't know Africans wore them either. That dude's gay!

Alright now! Watch it sucka!

@Dynasty
That tighty whitey shit is the truth too. I bought some underwear thinking they were boxer briefs. Busted 'em open, tighty fuckin' whiteys. Man, I was livid. I haven't worn them bitches since I was too young to buy my own draws.

@CG
That shit happens to me all the time. I think it happens to T Cas too and that dude is more anti-social than I am. I hate that "out loud thinking, hoping to generate a conversation with a stranger" shit.

KZ

BZ said...

LMAO @ "Louganis"! hahaha And go ahead, tear some sh*t down!!! Great read today.

Single Ma said...

Ha Ha! Only in Zed's world...

You have some of the most interesting observations.

Anonymous said...

I guess some folks are just lonely...so I suppose that I can manage to lay off them more.

But, dayum...they freak me out sometimes...

BTW, I finally found a way to notify the neighbor of his loud-ass head board. Check me out...

Angel said...

we have a pocket of historic statues on the main mall of our campus. some of the students lovingly refer to it as "racist row" because they are all white men and a few have slavery ties. and hell no they are not all even associated in some way to the state of texas. statues of cesar chavez and barbara jordan have already been commissioned and are awaiting final approval. both of these statures are going to be placed in areas where student traffic is minimal and the location is not "prime." recently at the opening football game, a statue of earl campbell was revealed at the football stadium. a stadium where hardly ANY of the students of color go because they're disinterested in athletics here. additionally, the university of texas is one of only three schools with a statue of dr. martin luther king jr. we've had it on the campus for about four years and the only way that we got it was from the students agreeing to a $1 fee on their bills. also interesting to note, it continuously gets vandalized right before every dr. martin luther king jr. holiday... i guess what im trying to say is, historic preservationists can kiss my ass!

Knockout Zed said...

@BZ
I'm grabbing the bulldozer right now.

@CG
I'm alone 99.342% of the time. I don't do that shit!

I'm curious about the resolution of the headboard situation. I'll check you out.

@FA
At least they didn't drag the statue behind a truck.

I bet they don't touch the Earl Campbell statue.

KZ

1969 said...

"Wow. Sound slike your son is going through it right now. Is he comfortable with you sharing all of his personal business like that? And by the way, I need those cards ASAP"...said as you stroll away from her.

Speedos....YUCK....next

Historic Preservationists....no comment.

Mr.Slish said...

So what are you gonna do African..How are you going to divert those funds back into the programs..I know you have a plan...Shyt I would... I Beat the city for their money all the time for Pts that need the help...

aquababie said...

speedos = unsexy!

i'm so glad i don't work with the public. i want to kill some of the folk i wrote i with all the time. those historians are ignorant with a capital I.

Robert L. Mack said...

As soon as you named him Louganis, I knew where you were going...lol...I hate dudes like that...

What's funny to me is how you fight with these white people then turn around and have a black person accuse you of not being for the people. Its a life, huh Zed?

sunshine said...

I wish you could have bitched slapped "Becky" and gotten away with it..

ChezNiki said...

Here in Boston, they want to preserve the sky. The City of Boston has stiff, per-floor, square footage fines/fees for any developer who wants to build over ten stories. As a result, insurance companies and international banks are the only companies that have enough dough to build tall buildings.

In other words, even though there is a desperate need for low and middle income, multi family housing, businesses and affordable parking in Boston, this zoning ordinance remains in place to preserve "the view of the sky-line?!??!" It contributes to the housing crunch and the astronomical cost of living in Eastern Mass, and also helps to keep many middle class and People of Color out of Boston.

Im from New York, where we stack em high, charge em rent, and make that money!

But its ridiculous the lengths white folk will go to to preserve "the good old days" and economic segregation. Cutting off their nose(s) to spite their faces.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

how am i gonna open up my awesome bed and breakfast if you tear down all the historical buildings.

you will sentenced to repeat your history by destroying it....

Just a thought!

Knockout Zed said...

@1969
She came in the office yesterday to confirm my title. WTF?

@Slish
Why would I subsidize bullshit? They trippin'! I couldn't sleep behind that bullshit.

@Aqua
In my profession, even if I were to go to the private sector, I'd still have to work with residents. It's fucked!

@Mack
You are witnessing the classic "no-win" situation.

@Tjeanise
I'd be writing this shit from jail. They lock African's up for smiling too hard here.

@Chezniki
That shit should be illegal! We can't charge shit like that in Michigan. It would be perceived as an "impact fee" and that's completely disallowed here.

At the very least the shit in Boston does have historic significance to the City's development, the Commonwealth and likely this corrupt ass nation. The shit they wanna save here is bullshit.

You wanna hear something funny? The first Black family to settle in this city had a house that was still standing, built in 1876. Last year, when I first got here, they used that house as a place to train firefighters and burned it to the ground. That's a true story.

I hate preservationists.

@Miss Ahmad
A building's a building. History is subjective.

But I promise I'll save a building for the Bed and Breakfast, OK?

KZ

Newy said...

so you aren't letting folks comment on today's post but err um that is the definition of "being real". Don't change you blog to suit other folks. This is your damn blog if they don't wanna read it...let em keep it moving.

Anonymous said...

Oh...so you thought you was gonna stop fools from commenting today, huh? LOL

Do you, but keep in mind that "you" doesn't have to be one writer, one style.

I personally like the new style b/c with the "clutter" gone, your talents shine through. Now, should you give a damn what I think? Hell no. But, I'm just letting you know why I became a bigger fan of the new 'you.'

Like any great lyricist, you're an amazing story teller. And just like with the greats, you don't need all the extra hoes and bitches to make your flow tight (my personal two cents).

YET, at the end of the day, you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

DivineLavender said...

Zed....loving me some you. Just invite me to one of your meetings please... I will bring the tea and fruit tray!

TTD said...

work: what does her son have to do w/ ur business cards? personal life & work life are 2 different things

gym: you may need to find a new gym! lol

meeting: all i can say is WTF! are they serious?