When I wake up on a weekday here in Satan's Anus, I know one thing will happen for sure: I will be angry before I reach my morning destination.
There is no real "rush hour" here. Maybe rush quarter-hour. But that doesn't make driving any less stressful. There are several enemies I've identified. I hate Cotton-head, the bastard with the full head of white hair and wrinkles who is driving around at the crack of dawn for the fuck of it because apparently they have no place to go. Slow driving, two hands on the wheel looking confused and squinting because of the sun in their face. I fucking hate SUV Hillary, who feels safe in her quasi tank all the while making the world less safe. She's driving 2 miles an hour and when I eventually pass her, she's got a phone pushed up to the side of her face, likely talking to the motherfucker she's married to about some petty assed suburban concern of hers, making him regret that cell phones were ever invented. I hate Greenpeace, the slow driving hippie pothead with the Darwin fish plastered on his Subaru and his numerous stickers proclaiming his love for all things eco-friendly. Catch the fucking bus, you fucking burnout.
My unlikely ally in this trek is the NASCAR loving, pickup truck driving, flag waving, Calvin pissin', ribbon sporting hick. Those muthafuckers just drive. I can't complain about that. They apparently have someplace to go just like I do.
I drive on a 5 lane road, two lanes each way with a turning lane, speed limit 50 miles per hour. There have been times too numerous to count where I've been stuck behind a vehicle going 15 miles below the speed limit and found myself trapped because the driver in the next lane is driving DIRECTLY BESIDE ME with no cars in front or in back of him impeding his progress. I have been a victim on numerous occasions of people who stop DURING RUSH QUARTER in the left thru-traffic lane to make a left turn, stopping all traffic behind them, when THERE IS A LEFT TURNING LANE RIGHT NEXT TO THEM UNUSED!!! As insane as that shit sounds, it's not a rare occurrence.
Tomorrow, I will be angry when I come to work. And you'll know why.
Peace,
KZ
12 comments:
OMG...this is hilarious. I came out of the shadows for a second to comment. This is typical rush hour driving in my neck of the woods. I love your blog!
I hate that cat-n-mouse shit. That's what I call it. They drive neck-n-neck with the other driver you're stuck behind then when you see a moment you can "Take" first place them bastards speed up just enough so you can't past them without swiping their shit. It's so time for you to drive out'a that "asshole" like a bat out'a hell! In the meantime, it makes for funny ass reading. At least when you get to work your coffee pot from TAD awaits you and your angry self!
i live 5 minutes away from my current office and sometimes I come in mumbling about traffic...
but it's kinda true. I mean there are only one lane going each way on the street it takes to get me there and sometimes i'm putting on my make up in the car..
Oh never mind, maybe I'm the problem!
i feel your pain.
don't you just love get stuck behind the grannies and grandpas? and they always have the biggest cars.
DUDE YOU NEED TO MOVE!!!! I wasnt convinced before but now it is official LOL!!
I know I been M.I.A. but wanted you to know I am still among the land of the living, just hella busy with life and you know...life!!! Glad to see that the pending nuptials haven't diminished your sarcasam nor your negativity LMAO!! You know that is what I love most about you Zeddie Bears!!!
Oh, I have EXTREME road rage so I feel your pain on this.
LORD, HEY-SEUUUSSS.
I can't believe you're still at it!
WHAT UP BRUH MUNKEE?!!
I stopped having road rage after one of my staff got shot at for honking his horn at some guy for cutting him off. If an idiot driver does something that pisses me off, I just make eye contact, smile and envision myself clubbing them over the head.
...so your saying that the drive intoi work is what makes you angry? Ummm, yea...riiiight!
You'd hate driving in NYC...for total opposite reasons...taxi's alone would make you homicidal.
Chubby? Really? Awesome!
You know that shit happens here in Detroit just like it does in Satan's Anus. Except we got the assholes who pull up on your right at the traffic light and race off when it turns green just to get in front of you. So that stupid ass can make a damn left turn a block later!
SUV Hillary... LOL, we call them beckies where I dwell. We have a LARGE retirement community. Them old folks stay driving suburbans and tahoes...I'm like WTF, you old you are alone why the big vehicle? I think all old folks should drive small cars, because when they plow into someone (and we know they will)they only hurt themselves. Selling a SUV to an old person should be illegal!
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